DAY 130 Choosing NOT the Abyss

Hello Journal & Friends!

I've been in a coma! And just woke up!!

Well, that's what it felt like for a split second, anyway. Yesterday I experienced such a bizarre feeling while talking to a relative that I haven't seen in... well, 14 years?! I am helping to arrange a family get-together, doing the flunky work of making the phone calls.

We chatted a bit, getting caught up, and she mentioned her daughter. In my minds eye I was picturing a toddler. I asked how old her daughter was now? When she said 13 years old, I about fell out of my chair... no way!! Honestly it was surreal.. I really felt like a time warp had hit... or I had just been awakened from a coma. 

We continued to chat, she sharing her goals and dreams, and how she was actively pursuing them. After the phone visit ended, I was slammed with this fleeting feeling of fear...almost of anguish. It really was like an abyss opened up in front of me. I could look down into this dark place and see...

--wasted years because of being fat 

--my health taking a downward spiral

--regret for missing out on family events

--time passing by so fast yet what did I have to show for it?

--shame, regret, self-recriminations, guilt

--panic that it was too late

--sadness over the career that never was

Then I stepped back from that abyss.

 I really, truly knew I had a choice to make, right then and there. 

It was so tempting to come closer to that edge, to just check it out, to reach over and stick a toe down into it, to check out how the Self Pity would feel. To just crumple down into it, and relax my resistance awhile. To take a break from being "strong".

Instead, in my minds eye, I turned my back on that abyss. I could still almost hear it's soothing call, to just try it out... to mull it over... To "rationally" consider its message.

Yeah... right, like I really need to indulge in Oh-Poor-Me thinking!!  But if I want to succeed, to change, to have victory, I cannot afford that indulgence. It may feel good short-term, but it will ROB me, it will steal from me. It will destroy my progress.

Yes, drowning my emotions in food all these years IS sort of like being in a coma. But is it too late?? I refuse to accept that. I refuse to go back to beating myself up for past less-than-healthy choices. I've dealt with all that before, and what's done is done.

I can't change ANY of that. But I CAN change my tomorrows, by my choices today. 

If this "scare" had to come, I'm glad it came around Christmas. Christmas is when we celebrate the birth of Jesus. His birth brought good news, a message of forgiveness and hope.

I have been forgiven, and I have forgiven myself, also, for messing up a lot of years with wrong choices. And I have hope that my good choices now are creating a healthier future for me.

So nope, sorry ol' abyss, I won't go backwards and focus on you and your destructive message. 

I will focus on my healthy Todays, which will birth my wonderful Tomorrows.

From Dr Phil's book: "That's your priority. You must hold yourself to a higher standard now, you cannot be wishy washy."

My verse for today: "Struggling with all his energy, which so powerfully works in me."

My quote for today: "There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them." --Denis Waitley

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

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