June 6th I'll Do ANYTHING... just not that.

I've written about this before. How I was "willing" to make changes, but I also had boundaries. Things/favorites/foods/routines etc, that were off limits. 

Whenever I got desperate enough to let go of something that was actually a hinderance to my progress... gee, guess what?? I'd make progress. You'd think I would figure out to let go easier and sooner, right?

During my weeks with Sean/Gerri/Kathleen's support group (it has no official name, so I never know what to call it) I realized I needed to once and for all let go of a LIFETIME habit: being a Night Owl.

I've given every justification in the book, and some even now sound legit to me: it's my biological clock; I enjoy doing my art then, it's quiet and peaceful; there are no interruptions; the phone never rings; the Husband is asleep and won't ask for this or that; it doesn't bother me to sleep in the light... etc etc etc.

Problem with all that is this:   It. Kept. Me. Fat.

I would end up tired and/or hungry, and eat too much. Again. After all regular meals were already done. Over and over I would try to come up with a solution to that. A compromise.

Now I accept and embrace this truth: 

There can be NO COMPROMISE 

with anything that is destroying my health.

It's that simple. Some things can be adjusted, changed a little, tweaked. 

Not this, not for me.

This is one of those things in life that truly is all or nothing. 

And I accept that. 

I surrender to that. 

I embrace my new identity as "a Morning Person." 

(okay, that last one was said with an eyeroll and cringe, I'll admit!)

When I started with this support group back in March, I committed to going to bed each night at 11pm. 

This I can control.

I don't control how well I sleep, so I allowed that I can sleep in if needed. But I CHOOSE to go to bed at 11:00. I might tweak that later, but for now, that's my rule.

For all you Early Birds shrugging and thinking "So what's the big deal???"...  this is a Big Deal to a lifelong Night Owl. A huge shift in body rhythms, timing, scheduling, thinking patterns. I'm surprised at all it seems to affect. 

But I am willing.

The result: for these last few months, though it does not feel "natural" yet, is that I have not binge eaten ONCE at night. 

Not. Once. 

If you don't struggle with night time overeating, then you don't realize how significant a change this is. It's a big deal to me. 

And I am extremely grateful for this breakthrough. More than I can get across here...

Today's quotes:

"You cannot rely on your feelings... you can act your way into feeling long before you can feel your way into action. If you wait until you feel like doing something, you will likely never accomplish it." --John C. Maxwell, How Successful People Think

"Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way." --II Thess 3:16, Bible

Today I am feeling Hopeful.

Retta

=^..^=

But What if I WANT to give up??

Been sick.

Not sleeping well.

Ready to give up.

DID give up... stopped trying... what's the use?

Went to doctor.

Got medicine.

Finally SLEPT well.

Feeling better.

Gee... maybe this giving up thing is not such a good idea.

Ya think?!

Reminder to self (and anyone else who happens to read this):

Good Sleep is our friend! 

Good Sleep is a good thing.

Good Sleep is to be protected, planned for, prioritized, FOUGHT for.

A good night's sleep, done over and over, will change how our brains function!

Like, giving us the energy to try once again. 

To hope once again. 

To believe once again.

I was making up answers in my head to my doctors usual question he always asks: "How are you today?" 

I was all set to answer honestly with: I just feel like giving up.

The day before my appointment I saw a little sketch by a fellow artist, done of her bestie in the kitchen cutting up onions. The smiling lady was wearing a cheerful apron and funny "onion goggles".... and was on oxygen, connected to a tank. The caption read:

No matter how you feel:

Get up

Dress up

Show up

and

Never Give Up

I cried when I read that. 

I wanted to agree. 

I wanted to WANT to agree. 

But I was so exhausted, so wiped out, I just "wished" I could agree.

Now, after a 9 solid hours of sleep, I can smile and agree.

I think sometimes it's not just all "mental", but physical too.

Get yer ZZZZZZZZZ's! :-)

Happy Sleeping,

Loretta

NOV 12th No No No NO NO NO!!

yes........ yes...... yes.....yes.... yes.

But I don't WANNA be a student again. 

To have to do more reading, studying, learning, measuring, weighing, and focusing on this Weight Loss Thing. Yet again. 

Do. Not. Want. To.

Well... that's life. We don't always get what we want. 

Having gone through a crummy year, healthwise, has forced me to look for answers. I suppose if I wanted to be Chirpy Positive, I could call that the silver lining. Or as Michael Beckwith calls it, the Blessing (from his teaching of Looking for the Blessin or the Lesson in all of Life's Circumstances).

So.  I haven't given up, I was just tired of writing about it. Had no answers, just questions and problems. 

And then some kind soul (sorry, can't give credit since I didn't write down the name) suggested a link to a Facebook group that was "different". 

And they were. And they were incredibly supportive and helpful. And I think I just might be, finally, coming out of the "sick" tunnel and into the light... soon, very soon. :-}

Background: sick for months last winter; some of the food and medications advised to eat had sugar; craving monster awakened; then heart trouble; then tests; horrible sleep; more tests; massive infection in teeth; dental surgery, all remaining teeth removed; complications, 2 more dental surgeries scheduled; no "teeth" til next spring; hard to get adequate nutrition; finally oxygen added to cpap at night; yay, better sleep.

Repeat: better sleep. I can't begin to describe how much better just getting that made me feel. Half of my heart is not able to do it's job now while I sleep, and the oxygen is giving it relief, so I am getting deep, restorative sleep now. Blessed sleep!

I finally wanted to "try" again. I cared again. I didn't feel despair, but hope started to glow again. Like a tiny ember you carefully blow on to get going again, until the fire is finally burning stronger and stronger.

Back to the new Facebook group that was "different". 

Again, background needed for this to make sense: I've been doing low carb now for years; read the science; believed it; it worked; I lost weight; kept it off - mostly - for the first time in life. But kept getting stuck. Things shifted in the low carb community, and Fat became king, over protein. Low carb/high fat was promoted as THE way. People started promoting Fat Bomb recipes and bragging as to how they would drown their meal in sticks of butter. I had red flags, sure. But I figured they were the experts, and surely knew more than ME.

And it DID work. In the short run. And especially for those younger, healthier, and more physically active.

But I'm ME. I am NOT younger, healthier, and physically active. So when all that Stuff hit me earlier this year, I tanked. I started gaining at a ridiculous rate, and the only answer the high fat crowd had was "eat more fat".

Eating more healthy fat took away hunger, yes, absolutely. But at the cost of eating enough protein to heal my broken body. At the cost of healthy nutrition. And you can lose weight, especially at first. But was it fat loss? Or was it fat AND muscle loss?

I had so many questions.

So in desperation, I clicked on that suggested link to the "different" low carb group. The one that believes that the body needs protein to repair and be healthy, to lose weight and build muscle and support thyroid. All that jazz. And that if you still have your own "supply of body fat" you wish to lose, then you don't need to be going crazy with smothering your meals with sticks of butter.

"Fat burning is turned on by carbohydrate restriction. And eating Optimal Protein is a KEY to build health and metabolism." 

--Raymund Edwards

Yes, they believe in eating healthy fats. But they teach how to moderate that according to your goals: 

• Lots to lose = eat less healthy fat. 
• Want to maintain = eat moderate healthy fats. 
• Want to gain = eat healthy fats at the high end of the chart.

• But ALWAYS eat the right amount of protein for YOU, to be healthy, protect metabolism and build muscle.

They have an easy reference chart to help get you started. And they were/are incredibly patient with all my newbie questions... which are ongoing! (not claiming to have any answers here, so please don't ask ME nuthin... am still learning myself).

The focus of this group is to be HEALTHY, not lose the weight at a record pace. Weight loss can be achieved many ways, but losing fat and keeping your muscle mass - or even growing it - is a whole different animal.

It was encouraging to have a few answers, and a path to follow. It's taken months to get this de-railed train back on the tracks! My progress is slow, but at least it's in the right direction once again. Finally.

So... I am a student. Again. 

But I also have hope. I have not given up. Came close, yes indeedy. So I'm grateful for a few answers to my prayers.

And for anyone else who is struggling, who finds their current way of eating has conked out on them and no longer works, may I suggest at least considering another stab at it, with a shift in emphasis? 

From weight loss first TO Health first, and then the weight loss will follow. From high fat/moderate protein, TO moderate fat/high protein. 

And yes, this group will answer all your questions. The same ones I had, such as "what about gluconeogenesis?" (too much protein turning to glucose) and "but so-and-so-the-expert says to lose fat you need to eat MORE fat?", etc etc.

Here is the link to said group: Optimal Ketogenic Living (OKL)

If you decided to join, just put in a request to join; it's a closed group, which is good. It keeps out the riff raff (spammers, trolls and argue-ers).

I don't claim they are perfect, but if you go there with a teachable heart, I believe they will fall all over themselves to help you. Really, they've been very kind and encouraging to me. Be ready to do some reading, to at least re-consider some stuff.

And please DO read the links they offer, to assure yourself of the hard science behind it. Well, as far as we can know for now, that is. We are always learning and discovering. At the top of the site is a "pinned" post, with tons of info. You've got nuthin else to do, right?? ;-)

I know this is long and dense, and not "entertaining". But I felt it's important, and if it helps someone else, then I'm happy with that. :-)

And if you got this far, I applaud you! And thank you for visiting me, even though I rarely post now.

Keep hope alive in the journey,

Loretta

JAN 19th Autopsy, Change & Upward Spiral of Success

Good afternoon Journal & Friends,

So... howz it going? The new year, your new energy, the fresh start... all that?? I know just by having traveled around the sun a few times that by now a few folks might be disappointed that they goofed up a couple of times... or more.

I did, too. But see, it's different now. My perception of it is different now. I'm not stopping to wallow in it, or beat myself up, or do the old all-or-nothing thinking any longer. Oh sure, I had a nanosecond or two of exasperation with myself. But really, that was all. I did a quick behavioral autopsy on it, learned, and moved on. 

And guess what? That feels good! In fact, I wanted to share something fascinating that I realized this week. I had an "oreo cookie" set of days. You know, the crummy day in the middle with two great days on either side. On that crummy day I ate 2600 calories... ack! Yes, it was on plan food. But the quantities were NOT on plan. 

But in my behavioral autopsy, here's what I learned:

-I didn't get much sleep the night before the crummy day. I was tired. I ached. I didn't want to put forth the effort to focus my thoughts. I let them drift. And they drifted right into the kitchen!

-The two days on either side of the crummy day were fantastic days! I did get enough sleep... I did make the effort to direct my thinking intentionally, instead of drifting. And one of those days I was having a ball learning how to video myself drawing, to make a vlog with it. It was a blast! I learned how to add music and everything. And guess what? I forgot... gasp... to eat! Then, when I realized I was hungry, I was annoyed at having to stop and grab something.

Me! Not wanting to eat! That happened on both those good days, when I was so wrapped up in fun and fascinating projects, that I was NOT INTERESTED IN EATING.

Okay, so what's the takeaway for YOU in all this? 

1. We CAN change. We really can. It may take awhile. It may take repeated falling down and getting up. You might have to experiment to see what works for YOU. But if you never quit, if you always keep going NO MATTER WHAT... you will make progress. You CAN change. I believe that with all my heart. I don't care what research insists. I don't care what your mama says. I don't care what "they" say. We CAN change.

2. Perception is key. I've always loved that little poem: Two men looked through prison bars; one saw mud and the other saw stars. I'm not bummed by my poor choices recently, because I can see my progress. I see that I'm learning. I see change, real change. In my sidebar I have a badge that says "Upward Spiral of Success". Just for fun, under it I'm tracking 100 days, and noting how many of them are On Plan days. Just because I have a goof-up day, I don't perceive this as going in circles. Because I'm learning and getting better, I see it as going UPward. Hence the name of the badge.

My plan is to post that new vlog next Tuesday for Toon Tuesday, and offer the pattern in black and white as a free download. If anyone is interested, they can join me in playing with it by coloring/changing/collaging it... whatever. Adding your own stuff to it. And then the following Tuesday we can post our results (if you want to) on our own blogs, linking to each other. I might be playing in this sandbox all alone, but that's okay... I had a blast doing that project, and was surprised and delighted to feel what it was like to be free from the obsession of food. To feel "normal". To feel like the Bully--that push to eat when not hungry--was banned from the playground.   I want more of that! :-D

(Photo source with excellent essay by Dr Dave)

PS: Some of you participated in a survey recently about what kinds of topics you'd like Coach Dayne  to talk about... just an update: It's still in the works! He's been sick, but will work on it when he's up to snuff again. I'll keep ya posted. 

From Dr Phil's book: "Your thoughts powerfully program you."

My verse for today: "Those who trust in the Lord are like Mount Zion, which cannot be shaken but endures forever."

My quote for today: "Everything is hard before it is easy." --Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 885

NOV 10th Yawn yawn, Grump grump, Choose choose...

Hi Journal & Friends,

It's about 2:00 pm here in Oregon, and I sit here still in my jammies. I'm on my second cup o' joe (unusual for me), and I still feel like this:

Well, quit yer b*tchin, and just go back to bed, you say. 

Good idea, I say. 

But... here is why I can't:

Joey and my noisy hubby are also the reasons I didn't get enough sleep... grump grump. ;-)

For the last week or so, it's been hard to put a post together. I have one I started... even took photos for it. But I ran out of steam. It just doesn't seem very important. Maybe tomorrow.

I suppose I'm still thinking about my friends death, and time and priorities. And I have to face the truth that I waste so much of this precious thing we have been given called Time.

I learned from Jack Sh*t that we don't always have to go around moaning and groaning and being so super serious. We can enjoy this journey, even as we learn. But... right now that seems hard to do. Maybe I just need a good nights sleep??  :-}

Tomorrow will be better, I'm sure. Come to think of it... today can better, too. I just remembered... Life is Now. 

Yesterday I was reading a library book called The Alchemist, and liked this sentence:  

"Life is the moment we are living right now." 

Funny how I seem to forget that I have a choice. :-}

From Dr Phil's book: "There is rarely a time in your life when all is at peace and balance. That's neither good nor bad; it is simply the ebb and flow of how life works."

My verse for today: "But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble." 

My quote for today: "Happiness isn't something that depends on our surroundings. It's something we make inside ourselves."  --Corrie Ten Boom, survivor of Ravensbrook Concentration Camp during WWII, author of The Hiding Place

Enjoy the Journey (trying),

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 816

JUNE 1st Feelin' Spunky!

Hello Journal & Friends,

Time for Updates!  First... dun da dun dun... the Monthly Weigh in results: down 3 pounds.  Hmmm.... time to require more from myself, yes?!

And that brings me to the next update... on how my Secret September Challenge is going: GREAT! 

For the challenge, I've been focusing on 4 areas that needed addressing, and have been feeling encouraged over the results. I know without a doubt, that if I hadn't committed to checking in EACH day with my Secret Partner, I would have made excuses. 

I only had 4 things on my goals list:

-Go to bed at midnight

-Track calories, stay on plan

-Exercise daily

-Attitude input (Bible and one other)

The results? 

Well, with much reluctance and grumbling, I dragged myself to bed on time almost every night for the past 19 days, since this started. And the "late" nights were like 12:24am, or 12:05am, etc. I would grumble that I'm not sleepy yet... or I have to finish this or that... but I did it anyway. I'm hoping that someday it might even feel "normal", LOL! 

And I finally had something happen that I hadn't had in a couple of years: one day this week I was hit with a BURST OF ENERGY  for a few hours!! When it's been so long, you forget what it feels like. And now I want more! So... this going to bed at a consistent time will be a permanent thing. 

I had let calorie tracking get sloppy... but thanks to this challenge, I'm getting back into the swing of it, and didn't miss a day. The next thing in that department is to rachet them DOWN lower. :-O

The exercise... need to try harder here. I did do something almost every day... just not vigorously enough. Yesterday I dusted off my rebounder and used it, gently, for the first time in months. Feeling encouraged and motivated here.

Attitude? Finally got consistent with my "mental input". And it DID help. I think it's one of those things I tend to think I can skip if I am busy, and think I'll just catch it the next day. Funny... we don't think that with physical food! Oh, too busy to eat, I'll just eat some tomorrow instead. Uh huh... yet for some reason I think that way about spiritual and mental food! So, I'm glad I included this in my challenge.

Overall... I'm feeling encouraged, and challenged to up my efforts. I recently visited Princess Dieters blog, Two Years To Happy Weight After. She's lost 103 lbs so far, and her progress photos inspired me to require more from myself. 

My Secret Partner is doing well and still making progress, in spite of some set-backs due to illness. You know... we all have a story. We all have "life" happen to us, and we can use it as an excuse to give up, or we can just get back up and keep going... and never quit. 

I will never quit. This next leg of my Secret September Challenge, I am determined to increase my efforts... to see better results due to better choices. 

Next month I want to be so excited I can hardly stand it, as I report the results from my efforts. It's on!

From Dr Phil's book: "There is strength and power in support."

My verse for today: "You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in your word."

My quote for today: "People become really quite remarkable when they start thinking that they can do things. When they believe in themselves they have the first secret of success."  --Norman Vincent Peale

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 656

MAR 19th I Was Misled!

Hi Journal & Friends,

Joey is supposed to be a Mini Schnauzer. Not so... I have come to find out that she is that rare breed known as Greased Lightening!! 

Blink, and she is gone. 

Blink and she has gone potty on the rug. 

Blink and she is chewing that-which-causes-you-to-gasp-when-you-see-it being-chewed!!

Okay, in all seriousness, Joey is a doll... but lightening fast. I am exhausted! Jim is off work this weekend, and HE has Puppy Patrol all weekend. I am OFF!! I actually got enough sleep last night, and feel so much better. I can sit at the computer and concentrate enough to make sense.. I hope. :-)

Okay, here it is:  

Lessons from a Puppy #1

It's been quite a few years since I've had a puppy this little. I'd forgotten that everything... and I mean EVERYTHING goes into their mouth! She is a chewing machine. 

In five seconds she can be chewing stuff she shouldn't be chewing! It is taking constant monitoring, all her waking hours.. replacing the wrong stuff with the right chew toy (they already know Jim and Joey by name at the pet store... she goes along riding in the front pocket of his work apron, LOL!). Anyway, that constant monitoring of her is a lot of work!

Sounds like my mind... if I don't constantly monitor my thoughts... I can end up chewing stuff I shouldn't be chewing! Kind of embarrassing to realize my mind can be as undisciplined as a little puppy! If I don't replace those defeating thoughts with the right thoughts, down I go. 

This week I was sooo tired, and that's when I get really susceptible to defeatist thinking. All the sad news out of Japan... all the posts on the heartbreaking events... and then I feel guilty for focusing on something so "American" as a new puppy. Then I question why I am even blogging... then I think why do it, I'd be fine without it, and it would be less stress. 

Like right now, Jim and Joey just returned from another run to the store. And out the window goes my concentration. Sigh... 

Deb recently had a wonderful post,  talking partly about people who fool themselves. Hmmm... naturally, reading that this week when I was sooo tired, I questioned if she was talking about me... sorry Deb. Just my squirrelly thinking, all wrapped up in myself as though I were the center of the universe. 

Actually, I think it's a good thing to be challenged by friends who care (not saying she was, just taking the lesson from it). That's different than being attacked by people who slice and dice you. At least for ME, it feels different. It comes from a place of caring. And it helps to have the light shined on us at times.

Because I think one of two things can happen: either I find something I need to work on that I hadn't seen before; or, I pass the examination, causing me to be stronger and firmer in my position, which can only help me.

So, thanks for that, Deb.

As for which effect it had on me this time... ha ha ha... don't know yet. I tend to think it's the former... next time Joey is asleep and I can think on it, I'll give it more thought. :-D

From Dr Phil's book: "When you choose your behavior and your thoughts, you choose the consequences that flow from those choices."

My verse for today: "Choose my instruction instead of silver, knowledge rather than choice gold, for wisdom is more precious than rubies, and nothing you desire can compare with her."

My quote for today: "Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try." --Dr Seuss

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 582