Aug 30th Finally, Progress!!

Just popping in to say hello. 

I am finally scheduled to have my surgery for endometrial cancer this Friday. At last! I’ll be glad to have it over with, and get on with the healing. It’s going to be Robotic assisted laparoscopic surgery. Smaller holes drilled into the tummy, faster healing time, so that’s cool. 

I’ve been working hard these last few months on weight loss and getting healthy for the surgery. I can gratefully say that for the first time in THIRTY THREE YEARS, I am in the 2’s!!!!! This last Monday I busted through the barrier and hit 297. Barely into the twosies, but if it has a 2 in the front… I’ll take it!!!!

Good news also about that leg wound that was being stubborn to heal. There were 2 wounds, and I started going to the Wound Clinic a YEAR ago. The littler one has finally closed up 2 weeks ago, and the bigger one is now only about 1 1/2 inch diameter. Huge progress. Yay!

One of these days I’ll get a new progress pic put up. Just not been a priority. I’ve not really had much to say. I’ve been watching a tv show that both irritates me (cuz I see my own flaws in the behavior of the people on it) and inspires me, called My 600 LB Life. And today the doctor on the show, Dr Nowzaradan said to a lady who was still in the “excuse phase”: 

She can SAY whatever she wants, but I’m interested in what she DOES.

Ouch. I think that is why I’ve been so quiet on my blog. What’s to say??? I just needed DO it, not jabber about it. (Edited to add: that's aimed at only ME, no one else. I needed to DO, not just talk about it. I think that since I was writing/talking about it, I somehow felt like I was DOING something. I finally got the message that they are not the same, ha ha!)

Anyway, that’s about it from smokey Oregon. Hugs to all,

Retta

Jan 11th... Learning to Love this Process

Today I read a fascinating article by writer James Clear. He told the story of a German philosophy professor who had moved to Japan in the 1920's to learn Kyudo, which is the Japanese martial art of archery. 

The German man, Eugen Herrigel, also eventually learned Zanshin: a state of relaxed alertness. 

"Zanshin is being constantly aware of your body, mind, and surroundings without stressing yourself. It is an effortless vigilance."

In our own lives, this means "choosing to live your life intentionally and acting with purpose rather than mindlessly falling victim to whatever comes your way."

I LOVED that I read this article this morning! I had just finished trying to hammer out a new, simplified daily schedule. I need more hours in the day! I have goals and dreams, yet need to fulfill the daily practical chores and commitments. And for health's sake, that must include time for Spirituality, Exercise, Rest and a healthy Food Plan.

Later in this article (which I hope you'll read in full HERE) James Clear writes: 

"The point is not to worry about hitting the target. The point is to fall in love with the boredom of doing the work  and embrace each piece of the process. The point is to take that moment of zanshin, that moment of complete awareness and focus, and carry it with you everywhere in life."

For me, I would re-word one part this way: To fall in love with the process. His sentence about that struck me hard. I absolutely LOVE the process of imagining, planning, researching and creating a new painting. Love it!

Yet, have I applied that to the PROCESS of getting healthy?? Uh, I don't think so. I'm pretty sure I usually have the final goal in mind! As in... lose this weight, get all health-i-fied, and get on with the rest of my life!

In fact I was just complaining this very morning to MyGuy that I needed to simplify. It's just getting too darn complicated! 

In addition to tracking calories, I was trying to keep up with grams of protein, carbs and fat; exercise; supplements; prescriptions; doctors appointments; support group meetings; and now per the doctors, the micrograms of Vitamin K in every bite, and to eat those same micrograms each day. Yeesh!! Tooooo much!

Ummmm.... I need to change my attitude.

I plan to re-read this article, and see how I can do that. How I can apply "effortless vigilance" - Zanshin -  to this process of gaining Health.

My book quote for today: "People don't fall off track because they do the wrong exercises at the gym. They fall off track because they stop going, just for a day or two, and then never go back. I've worked on this with thousands of patients, and it's the habit and routine of exercise that leads to success." --Younger Next Year for Women, by Crowley & Lodge

My verse for today: "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!" from Isaiah 43

Enjoy the journey... which I finally realize means to fall in love with the process!!!!

Retta

=^..^=

June 6th I'll Do ANYTHING... just not that.

I've written about this before. How I was "willing" to make changes, but I also had boundaries. Things/favorites/foods/routines etc, that were off limits. 

Whenever I got desperate enough to let go of something that was actually a hinderance to my progress... gee, guess what?? I'd make progress. You'd think I would figure out to let go easier and sooner, right?

During my weeks with Sean/Gerri/Kathleen's support group (it has no official name, so I never know what to call it) I realized I needed to once and for all let go of a LIFETIME habit: being a Night Owl.

I've given every justification in the book, and some even now sound legit to me: it's my biological clock; I enjoy doing my art then, it's quiet and peaceful; there are no interruptions; the phone never rings; the Husband is asleep and won't ask for this or that; it doesn't bother me to sleep in the light... etc etc etc.

Problem with all that is this:   It. Kept. Me. Fat.

I would end up tired and/or hungry, and eat too much. Again. After all regular meals were already done. Over and over I would try to come up with a solution to that. A compromise.

Now I accept and embrace this truth: 

There can be NO COMPROMISE 

with anything that is destroying my health.

It's that simple. Some things can be adjusted, changed a little, tweaked. 

Not this, not for me.

This is one of those things in life that truly is all or nothing. 

And I accept that. 

I surrender to that. 

I embrace my new identity as "a Morning Person." 

(okay, that last one was said with an eyeroll and cringe, I'll admit!)

When I started with this support group back in March, I committed to going to bed each night at 11pm. 

This I can control.

I don't control how well I sleep, so I allowed that I can sleep in if needed. But I CHOOSE to go to bed at 11:00. I might tweak that later, but for now, that's my rule.

For all you Early Birds shrugging and thinking "So what's the big deal???"...  this is a Big Deal to a lifelong Night Owl. A huge shift in body rhythms, timing, scheduling, thinking patterns. I'm surprised at all it seems to affect. 

But I am willing.

The result: for these last few months, though it does not feel "natural" yet, is that I have not binge eaten ONCE at night. 

Not. Once. 

If you don't struggle with night time overeating, then you don't realize how significant a change this is. It's a big deal to me. 

And I am extremely grateful for this breakthrough. More than I can get across here...

Today's quotes:

"You cannot rely on your feelings... you can act your way into feeling long before you can feel your way into action. If you wait until you feel like doing something, you will likely never accomplish it." --John C. Maxwell, How Successful People Think

"Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way." --II Thess 3:16, Bible

Today I am feeling Hopeful.

Retta

=^..^=

Sept 7th Back to the Beginning

When I started this blog, I was studying some principles of change from Dr Phil McGraw. He can be annoying to some, I know. But that doesn't mean the principles aren't true and useful!

Over the years, I've tried all sorts of approaches. The last one, focusing on my art, turns out to NOT be the answer either. As much as I'd like to not "put in my time" here, it looks like I still need to. I'm still pursuing my art, for sure. But... here I am. On THIS blog. Again. Sigh...

I haven't gained ALL the weight back that I lost since the start , but enough that I'm skeered: 349. 

So... I'm starting over, taking a refresher course, and trying to have a teachable heart.

The quotes:

"Nothing will stop you from being anything other than healthy, vibrant, in shape, and fully in charge of yourself and everything you think, do and feel. This will happen because you MAKE IT HAPPEN. It will happen because you have made the DECISION to step up and DO what it takes to have what you want." (Pg 4 of The Ultimate Weight Solution by Dr Phil McGraw; emphasis mine)

"For I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength." (Philippians 4:13 New Living Translation Bible)

My thoughts:

I've found out the How, now I need to DO it. 

It's not a matter of can't in my case. It's a matter of won't. 

That needs to change. I get so far, then back off. 

Lots of factors involved, but that's not the point.

To get what I want healthwise, I need to CHANGE.

And for me, bottomline, that's a choice.

No excuses.

"Run when you can, walk if you have to , crawl if you must, just never give up."

--Dean Karnazes

Loretta

=^..^=

NOV 12th No No No NO NO NO!!

yes........ yes...... yes.....yes.... yes.

But I don't WANNA be a student again. 

To have to do more reading, studying, learning, measuring, weighing, and focusing on this Weight Loss Thing. Yet again. 

Do. Not. Want. To.

Well... that's life. We don't always get what we want. 

Having gone through a crummy year, healthwise, has forced me to look for answers. I suppose if I wanted to be Chirpy Positive, I could call that the silver lining. Or as Michael Beckwith calls it, the Blessing (from his teaching of Looking for the Blessin or the Lesson in all of Life's Circumstances).

So.  I haven't given up, I was just tired of writing about it. Had no answers, just questions and problems. 

And then some kind soul (sorry, can't give credit since I didn't write down the name) suggested a link to a Facebook group that was "different". 

And they were. And they were incredibly supportive and helpful. And I think I just might be, finally, coming out of the "sick" tunnel and into the light... soon, very soon. :-}

Background: sick for months last winter; some of the food and medications advised to eat had sugar; craving monster awakened; then heart trouble; then tests; horrible sleep; more tests; massive infection in teeth; dental surgery, all remaining teeth removed; complications, 2 more dental surgeries scheduled; no "teeth" til next spring; hard to get adequate nutrition; finally oxygen added to cpap at night; yay, better sleep.

Repeat: better sleep. I can't begin to describe how much better just getting that made me feel. Half of my heart is not able to do it's job now while I sleep, and the oxygen is giving it relief, so I am getting deep, restorative sleep now. Blessed sleep!

I finally wanted to "try" again. I cared again. I didn't feel despair, but hope started to glow again. Like a tiny ember you carefully blow on to get going again, until the fire is finally burning stronger and stronger.

Back to the new Facebook group that was "different". 

Again, background needed for this to make sense: I've been doing low carb now for years; read the science; believed it; it worked; I lost weight; kept it off - mostly - for the first time in life. But kept getting stuck. Things shifted in the low carb community, and Fat became king, over protein. Low carb/high fat was promoted as THE way. People started promoting Fat Bomb recipes and bragging as to how they would drown their meal in sticks of butter. I had red flags, sure. But I figured they were the experts, and surely knew more than ME.

And it DID work. In the short run. And especially for those younger, healthier, and more physically active.

But I'm ME. I am NOT younger, healthier, and physically active. So when all that Stuff hit me earlier this year, I tanked. I started gaining at a ridiculous rate, and the only answer the high fat crowd had was "eat more fat".

Eating more healthy fat took away hunger, yes, absolutely. But at the cost of eating enough protein to heal my broken body. At the cost of healthy nutrition. And you can lose weight, especially at first. But was it fat loss? Or was it fat AND muscle loss?

I had so many questions.

So in desperation, I clicked on that suggested link to the "different" low carb group. The one that believes that the body needs protein to repair and be healthy, to lose weight and build muscle and support thyroid. All that jazz. And that if you still have your own "supply of body fat" you wish to lose, then you don't need to be going crazy with smothering your meals with sticks of butter.

"Fat burning is turned on by carbohydrate restriction. And eating Optimal Protein is a KEY to build health and metabolism." 

--Raymund Edwards

Yes, they believe in eating healthy fats. But they teach how to moderate that according to your goals: 

• Lots to lose = eat less healthy fat. 
• Want to maintain = eat moderate healthy fats. 
• Want to gain = eat healthy fats at the high end of the chart.

• But ALWAYS eat the right amount of protein for YOU, to be healthy, protect metabolism and build muscle.

They have an easy reference chart to help get you started. And they were/are incredibly patient with all my newbie questions... which are ongoing! (not claiming to have any answers here, so please don't ask ME nuthin... am still learning myself).

The focus of this group is to be HEALTHY, not lose the weight at a record pace. Weight loss can be achieved many ways, but losing fat and keeping your muscle mass - or even growing it - is a whole different animal.

It was encouraging to have a few answers, and a path to follow. It's taken months to get this de-railed train back on the tracks! My progress is slow, but at least it's in the right direction once again. Finally.

So... I am a student. Again. 

But I also have hope. I have not given up. Came close, yes indeedy. So I'm grateful for a few answers to my prayers.

And for anyone else who is struggling, who finds their current way of eating has conked out on them and no longer works, may I suggest at least considering another stab at it, with a shift in emphasis? 

From weight loss first TO Health first, and then the weight loss will follow. From high fat/moderate protein, TO moderate fat/high protein. 

And yes, this group will answer all your questions. The same ones I had, such as "what about gluconeogenesis?" (too much protein turning to glucose) and "but so-and-so-the-expert says to lose fat you need to eat MORE fat?", etc etc.

Here is the link to said group: Optimal Ketogenic Living (OKL)

If you decided to join, just put in a request to join; it's a closed group, which is good. It keeps out the riff raff (spammers, trolls and argue-ers).

I don't claim they are perfect, but if you go there with a teachable heart, I believe they will fall all over themselves to help you. Really, they've been very kind and encouraging to me. Be ready to do some reading, to at least re-consider some stuff.

And please DO read the links they offer, to assure yourself of the hard science behind it. Well, as far as we can know for now, that is. We are always learning and discovering. At the top of the site is a "pinned" post, with tons of info. You've got nuthin else to do, right?? ;-)

I know this is long and dense, and not "entertaining". But I felt it's important, and if it helps someone else, then I'm happy with that. :-)

And if you got this far, I applaud you! And thank you for visiting me, even though I rarely post now.

Keep hope alive in the journey,

Loretta

July 7th I Can Do Better

What's that emo we see on the interwebs? Face palm?

(photo credit)

That's what I feel like doing today. I JUST finished visting a blog I read once in a blue moon. And scrolling down past posts, one jumped out and smacked me right between the eyes. The post title is: 

How to Succeed at Weight Loss 

(And Anything Else) 

(Link to whole post Here) 

Sounds like an infomercial, right? But here's the thing... the blog writer, Bryan Ganey, has lost nearly 400 pounds, no surgery. 

You read that right: LOST 400 lbs. So, I have to give the man some respect, and at least be open to new ideas.

But that was the problem. What he went on to say was NOT a new idea to me. Ouch... it was all too familiar, in fact.

I looked up from the computer screen, and saw the little yellow sticky note I had stuck where I could see it every day. It was slightly curling at the edges, and dated 7/30/12.  I felt rather... I don't know... foolish feels about right... as I read it:

Make a Schedule... and FOLLOW IT!

Make a Menu.........and FOLLOW IT!

Yep, it was exactly what Bryan Ganey had posted about. Exactly.  Have a routine, and then follow it. Sigh...

The problem is, without the "doing" part, having a cute little sticky note with good advice doesn't do a bit of good. If I had taken CONSISTANT ACTION when following the instructions on that sticky note, I would have been at my goal weight now, and a lot healthier.

Consistent Action. That sounds familiar to me, too, as I type it out. Must've done a post about that, too. :-}

I've kept a daily "to do" list for decades. 

Planned my projects.

Made lists.

Made plans.

And here I sit, admitting it is just wasted ink without the follow through.

I can do better.

I can follow through. Like Mr Ganey writes, if we do that day after day after day... we will eventually see results. It will add up. 

I know I've written about this before. I've even "tried" before. But I think we must learn in layers... in levels. Hard to explain. But maybe we just have to ready for that next step. Be willing for that next step.

I'm not going to get all jazzed up and write out yet another plan or list or program. I've done all that. I'm just going to DO the part I haven't been consistent in doing:

FOLLOW IT.

I highly recommend Mr Ganey's post. Very good kick in the tush if you are struggling.

Never quit,

Loretta

JULY 1ST Flashbacks & Facebook Attacks

Sitting here shaking my head at myself. Not with disgust, but more with a sort of compassionate amusement. Hope that makes sense. I'm a lot more kinder to myself these days than I used to be. People around me should be glad... cuz I also tend to be kinder towards THEM now, too. :-)

Anyway, it all started with a comment I read yesterday in a Facebook group I belong to (won't say which one). A new guy pulled out his "MD" credentials, and proceeded to say snarky mean stuff about someone I highly respect in the low carb world. 

He made his harsh judgment based SOLELY on a photo of said person. A photo!! He proceeded to defend his expert ability to make such evaluations based upon scant evidence because he was a medical doctor. Say what??!!

I admit it... I fumed. I fussed. I talked to my computer. MyGuy said he was a troll, and don't give him the attention he wanted and he would go away. 

I waited. 

But the next day, the conversation was still on, and I gave in and joined it. Here's what I wrote, minus the names involved:

"Have to admit I was really pissed off at [******'s] arrogant and harsh judgmental comment re [*****]. And THEN to justify it by claiming to be an expert at analysis with little information??? I wanted to box his ears in defense of [*****].

I am sooo tired of that kind of attitude. I started out at a higher weight myself. Years later, and doing LCHF, I've LOST 159 lbs, with more to go. But if someone like [******], who claims to be an MD, looked at my photo, I would still get the same harsh judgement, based soley on looks, as [*****] did!! He would still call me "substantially overweight, poorly muscled... with metabolic dysfunction." Well, DUH??!! 

One who started out very large WILL have more challenges. Come on, applaud [*****] for being physically active, continuing to learn and experiment at what could work for him, and for generously sharing his info with us. [*****] is a class act. [******].... not so much. Ban him? Not my call. I'd say let [*****] decide!"

(A little weird with names blanked out, but that's out of respect for privacy)

I could have said a lot more, but it's Facebook, ya know? Short and sweet. I was still thinking of the whole attack earlier today, as I was thumbing through an old journal I used to keep. And guess what I read, from 1996.

That's 18 years ago.

I had been making a "must do" list that I felt I had to learn to do in order to be successful at this weight loss thing. Further down on the page I wrote:

1) Decide you are willing to do whatever is necessary to change your life, no matter what, no excuses.

 2) Decide how hard you are willing to work, which will determine how long it will take you to reach your goal.

Blush.... did I mention that was 18 years ago?

I'm still here, plugging away. I know I believed that when I wrote it. But I didn't have a clue HOW to do it. How to implement those great ideas. Obviously "just do it" didn't work for me. So, here I am, still learning. Still working on it. 

I don't think I realized how deep I'd have to go, how deep I needed to change. Or maybe how hard it was going to be to change from the INSIDE out. Oh, I'd lost weight before, and regained it back and then some. But I knew I wanted true and permanent change this time.

The above "MD" guy on Facebook who slammed my low carb friend doesn't have a clue how hard it can be for an exceptionally large person. I mean, you don't get REALLY large without having really large inner problems that need addressing. 

WAIT, let me say that differently. Because it's not about the numbers. I've learned that ANYONE who finds it a real struggle to change must have really large inner problems. And that can take time. Sometimes lots of time. 

Falling down on our face and getting up Time.

Getting discouraged and having to gather up our courage to try again Time.

Making mistakes until we find the right way for US Time.

Learning to treat ourselves with respect, love and kindness Time.

Just... lots of Time.

So please, be patient with yourself and never give up.

Is it awful of me to be glad that others in that Facebook group came out swinging in defense of their low carb buddy at the unfair judgment?? (I don't think so... )

Never quit,

Loretta

APRIL 19th A Different Point of View!

For all those who roll your eyes whenever I post a new "aha" moment... get ready to rock an' roll 'em! 

I read a post by Marion at Affection for Fitness that stopped me in my tracks. It's titled: Why I Don't Believe In Willpower for Weight/Fitness. 

Now, I've been  looking for answers for YEARS, trying this and that, going down many dead end paths, reading umpteen different books and trying to learn from the "experts". Everyone has an opinion. But I can't recall reading THIS idea before, from quite this angle, that Marion wrote about.

I highly recommend you read the whole post yourself, but for the sake of discussion, here is what I got out of it, in a nutshell:

Stop trying to find ways to stay all excited/highly pumped up/motivated every single day as a way to get you to your goal, or you will burn out!

 

That's my summary... she said it better. But I had to stop and think about it. Cuz I've been doing the OPPOSITE of what she is saying. Trying to find ways to keep that "motivation" level all hyped up; to "feel" motivated. But Marion made the point that NO ONE can "feel" highly motivated for long periods of time, without ending up feeling tired and wanting to take a rest, a break from it all. 

She said what we need is STAYING POWER, not will power. And we get that by not depending upon "feeling" all excited and motivated, but from just having a plan of what we need to do, day in and day out, then DOING it regardless of how we "feel". 

Bingo! That's when I saw she was right... that IS how I've been feeling lately, tired and burned out. Actually, for a long time! I just never saw it in quite this light before. I won't repeat her post here, but she does explain the answer to all that, so if you find you are feeling kinda burned out, I really do suggest you read her post HERE.

After thinking of all the posts I've written here about motivation, attitude, determination, energy, passion, positive thinking, getting strength, being a Warrior, willpower, blah blah blah... I wonder if I've made it clear that I am a SEEKER, not an expert??

 I don't HAVE the answers, I am SEARCHING for the answers. I know that I've said that before, but not with every post. And I suspect that I must come off as some kind of know-it-all, due to some "feedback" from certain folks. For someone who has turned that corner and has finally "gotten it", I guess I can see why they might feel impatient or frustrated with those of us still trying to "get it". I mean, even *I* get tired of feeling like all I do is talk it, not walk it!

Let me make it reeeeaaalllly clear: I am ON this journey to wellness. I have NOT arrived! I am still learning, and I like to write about stuff that I am interested in, and that--at the time--I am excited enough about to want to put it into a post. Yes, I hope someone else might find it helpful, too. And I'm sorry--truly-- if my communication skills make it sound like I'm thinking I have all the answers, or that I'm saying everyone should do it "my" way. Cuz that's the opposite of what I think! All plans do NOT work for everyone. We all have to find what works for us.

But there are some overall "principles" that do seem to apply to most everyone. And I'm thinking that this post by Marion is one of those. At least... it rings true to me. So I'm pointing it out, in the hopes that others might also find it helpful. If it contradicts anything I've previously written, then definitely ditch what I said, and listen to someone who IS successful at this journey to wellness!

 I really mean it when I say... do yourself a favor and take time to read her post. It's a keeper!

My book quote for today: "All inputs contribute to who you become as a person! Nothing is neutral. Every exposure either overtly or discreetly influences your personality, your character, and the choices you make during the day, even though you are consciously unaware of most of them." --Tommy Newberry, The 4:8 Principle

My verse for today: "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer."

My quote for today: "The reason why you aren't interested in "deep motivation" is because you know that success in the long run is about pacing yourself and not emotionally exhausting yourself." --Marions daughter

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

PS: As of April 2013, the Comments are turned off. 

Please enjoy just reading, no pressure to respond. 

I hope something Encourages you, or sparks Hope or interest. Or not. 

But either way, I want to continue to document my Journey to Wellness. 

 

SEPT 28th Always Keep Going & Decisions

It's been a hard few days... well, weeks actually. Lots of ups and downs. Lots of tears, lots of soul searching. I'd have a few good on plan days, then go over my calories. Rinse and repeat. 

I finally slowed down, got honest with myself, and listed what the major thorns were, including what I might do about them.

1) I was re-visiting my spiritual roots, and asking a lot of questions, and trying to learn what it really means to do this thing in God's strength, not my own limited supply. I felt like such a failure... Answer: Admit defeat; accept God's compassion, mercy, and grace. Trust in His love. Rest in that love.

2) I was fed up with so many thoughts about ME, and this weight loss struggle, and always feeling like success was just around the corner; it was just out of reach; it was teasing me, illusive and slippery. Answer: see Answer #1 :-}

3) I was frustrated to realize that I was STILL doing the "as soon as" thing with regards to my art. "As soon as this weight thing is solved, I can concentrate on my true passion."  I thought I had gone beyond that, only to find I had fallen right back into the same muck. Answer: change where I spend my time, my energies.

4) My health has been acting up and causing so much physical pain, that I fell into the most deadly of all thinking: self-pity. It drained my energy, and I found myself many times saying "oh what's the use?" Answer: Be honest with my feelings. Remember gratitude. Then go back again to Answer #1

5) And with the health problems, I thought about Time. None of us are guaranteed more Time. And I came to the conclusion I didn't want to spend all my focus on this weight thing. Yes, I will keep going, and working at it. But I am tired of talking about it for now. I want to spend what computer time I have over at my art blog instead. Answer: obvious!  :-D

So I think this (too long) post will be it for awhile here. I was recently asked to join a book project, which was subsequently postponed. But it got me to thinking, and I've decided to close out here with some of those thoughts... it sort of sums it all up:

Fat baby. Fat child. Fat teenager. Fat adult.

Until I started my blog, I rarely talked about it. I smiled. I answered "I'm fine" when asked. But how "fine" can you be when your highest weight was 460 pounds??

Why talk about those early years?? Because they were the foundation. No blaming, simply for understanding. Wearing leg braces due to a birth defect, I first learned to walk as a chunky 3 year old. 

Upset, scared, crying? Food. 

Mad, sad, glad? Food. 

Reward, bribe, celebration? Food. 

You name it, Food was the solution.

This foundation set me up for a lifetime struggle. Not being taught food was for nutrition, but could be a comforter, soother, escape, even friend. That's what I "heard", anyway. How I wish I had been taught a healthy way to process feelings. Instead, I was told "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about." 

Except for a couple of teenage attempts when I "dieted" to an almost normal weight, I've spent a LIFETIME with this weight thing. It invaded, affected and tainted EVERYTHING. I was put on my first "diet" at age 10, which taught me I was viewed differently, even by adults. 

I felt like a target. Cruel words and treatment, based upon external appearance, cut deeply. It was hard to develop self-confidence when I was constantly made to feel I was "less than." 

I've loved art as long as I can remember. But didn't believe in myself enough to seriously pursue it until recently. Have I mentioned I am 61 years young?? I may be a late bloomer, but I now want to bloom audaciously!! 

Yet when asked to join this project, I was embarrassed and ready to decline. I did NOT feel worthy of it! I've been struggling a LIFETIME, and yet am still not to goal. As of this writing, I have lost over 100 pounds, but am still barely even halfway there!

Then it hit me. I DO have something to say. ONE THING! The most important lesson I've learned along the way:

 NEVER QUIT. 

Ever. No matter what. 

Always ALWAYS 

keep going. 

Over the years I've tried or wanted to try just about everything, including weight loss surgery. But my insurance denied coverage. Which turned out a blessing in disguise, because losing that last hope made me desperate enough to be willing to change.  I had lost weight repeatedly in my life... but never kept it off. It always came back, and then some. I didn't want another diet. I wanted true inner change. 

For my lastest attempt in 2009, I had a simple plan: 1) Don't eat sugar or flour 2) Do some kind of exercise 3) Positive mental input, all on the foundation of my relationship with God.

That's it. Nothing complicated, and I tailored it for me. I could have anything, anytime, as long as it wasn't sugar or flour, which affects my blood sugar. Going sugar-free/gluten-free removed the insane physical cravings, giving me a fighting chance. Now I concentrate on the mental/spiritual issues. I have some medical issues that I have to work around, but this change made it possible for the first time in my life to KEEP OFF the pounds lost, with an occasional bit of bouncing. I know for it to be permanent, I have to change INside. My progress has been turtle slow, but I have hope and determination. 

Do I ever want to give up in frustration or discouragement? Yes! But feeling like doing something and DOING it are two different things. My source of strength is my relationship with God. He has never given up on me, so I won't either. Period. 

We all have the ability to choose. Sure, I was taught poor coping strategies as a child. But I was the one making those unhealthy choices as an adult. Me. That's GOOD news, because now I can choose to make BETTER choices. 

It's not easy, at for me. I aim for progress, not perfection. I am undoing a LIFETIME of damage, poor habits, early programming, and bad choices. It's been a long, hard road, and it's taken a long time to find pieces to MY puzzle, unique to me. I encourage others to seek what is right for them, and NEVER GIVE UP until they find it. 

My nutritional choices have gradually improved over time. I still struggle with quantities, and have decided to go back to what I did in the beginning: calorie tracking. I've studied and experimented, and that's just what seems to work best for me.

Same with exercise. I've tried lots of way to get movement, believing it's important to my health. My goals include walking again! Building strength, getting lighter, getting out of my wheelchair. It will happen one day, I'm convinced. All I have to do is NEVER QUIT! And a huge part of that relies upon that daily healthy mental/spiritual input. In fact... I'd say most of it.

"Sometime in your life you will go on a journey. It will be the longest journey you have ever taken. It is the journey to find yourself." --Katherine Sharp

At 61, I think I am finally finding the real me.

Enjoy the journey,

Loretta

PS: If interested, I invite anyone here to visit me at my Art By Retta blog. That's where I'll be hanging out most of the time, at least for now. 

AUG 30th My Choice & My Bracelet

Some people call it delusional.

Some people call it pollyanna.

Some people call it spin.

Some people call it denial.

I call it MY CHOICE  to view the world with optimism and hope.

I call it MY CHOICE as to which colored glasses I will view the world:

Dark and dismal... or... light and bright and open to possibilities.

My belief: optimists have more fun

(Joey always has a party goin' on!)

We optimists may have the same amount of junk hit us as everybody else, but we choose not to wallow in it or stay focused on it. Learn and move on is my current mantra.

We choose to focus on things for which to feel thankful.

"Our ultimate freedom is the right and power 

to decide how anybody or anything 

outside ourselves will affect us." 

--Stephen Covey

All this "choice" talk brings me to the other part of this post: my bracelet came! 

In my sidebar is a pic of Sean Anderson's book (which I totally loved) called Transformation Road (can click on the book to go to his website). 

Sean is the real deal. He's not some slick phoney out to sell you a manufactured "story" just to make a buck. I've followed his journey ever since I started my blog, about 3 1/2 years ago, and I trust his heart and his motives. Sean lost about 280 lbs, and is passionate about encouraging others that they, too, can choose to change.

Sean made it. He busted out of his self-made mental shackles and CHANGED. He CHOSE to change, before the change came and chose him.  

That's his mantra: 

Choose change 

before change chooses you.

So as you can see, Sean is big on this idea of Choice. I clicked with that right away. I may not be as lickety-split fast on this journey as he was (ha ha, what an understatement!), but I understand what he's saying, and agree. That's why when he offered his leather bracelets recently, I snapped one up from his website HERE!  

Here's mine:

It's stamped with: I'M CHOOSING CHANGE

I rarely buy or wear bracelets because they are usually too small. Heck, who needs to be reminded that they still have a fat wrist, right?! Well, Sean made his bracelet a generous adjustable length, and it fits great! If you're dinkier than me, you could even wear it as an anklet, LOL!

It's just a little tangible reminder to make those good choices. Yes, I struggle at times. I lose focus and zone out. Or get discouraged and lose sight of my goal. So this is a good thing for me to wear. It reminds me I am NOT a victim. I DO have a choice. And I will never EVER quit, til I get there.

Thanks, Sean... I love my bracelet!

My book quote for today: "What you persistently think eventually but inevitably crystallizes into the words you speak and then the things you do." --Tommy Newberry, The 4:8 Principle

My verse for today: "The precepts of the Lord are right, giving joy to the heart."

My quote for today: "You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself." --Jim Rohn

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 1103

AUG 3rd Regaining Focus

From the start of my blog, my intention was to always be honest and open. Lately, I've felt like I have been going in circles, with nothing to say... so I haven't said much. :-}

But I don't want to give the impression that I'm trying to hide anything, or mislead. I just really didn't know what to say. Or that what I thought of to say wasn't worth saying. I hadn't changed anything that I was aware of, yet the scale was creeping UPwards. My conclusion is that it was a combination of several things, that all added up.

So... the last few days I've been doing a lot of praying, thinking, praying, reading, praying, and more praying! If you don't believe in prayer, or in a relationship with the living God, that's okay, I respect that. But I do, and I've been met with kindness, graciousness and encouragement.

And I really did need that encouragement! I'm looking for the answer to one question: "What now?"

And for me, it starts with my relationship with my God. Back to basics, if you will. Programs are fine. Books are fine. Plans and lists are fine. Blogs, dreams, goals... all this is fine and has a place. They are great tools.

But for me, they need to come AFTER the relationship. I don't want to get the cart before the horse. Get so busy that I forget that love relationship with my Lord, the one who loves me best.

How do I do that? Hey, I'm not the expert here, that's for sure. All I can say is, it's about focus... priorities... the intention of my heart. 

If you loved a person, but forgot to include them in your day, your plans, your thoughts, your TIME... how loved would they feel? Wouldn't they think "Gee, you're getting kind of self-absorbed, dontcha think? Remember me??"

I don't feel guilty, condemned, or anything like that. I feel quite loved, actually. :-) But I'm just working on getting my priorities in line. 

(Image credit)

And this morning I listened to a podcast that confirmed to me that I'm on the right track. It was Dr Loyd (author of the Healing Code book I've talked about HERE  a little) and he was asking the question: are you doing things to GET love, peace and joy, or are you doing things OUT OF love, peace and joy??

He said if you are doing things to GET love, peace and joy, then it can get hard; you can get tired, burned out and feel like you are always chasing it and it's just out of reach. It will just seem so HARD! Um... kind of how I was feeling about this weight loss journey.

But if you are first filled up with that love, peace and joy, then it flows OUT from you to others. That thing you are doing, working towards, or the goal you want to reach will not feel so hard; you will have that energy that comes from being full, not running on empty. And it will seem a lot easier, not an uphill battle. You will be working out of a place of love, peace and joy, not chasing after it.

Well, like I said, I'm no expert on all this. I feel like it's time to dig deeper. I've gotten too comfortable; stalled in my journey. That's weird to say, that I got "comfortable", seeing as how I have such physical pain right now. 

Yet, I got comfortable in my mindset, not wanting to make harder changes. Not wanting to shine the light into the corners where I held on to the "familiar" and safe stuff. But to make progress, I need to do that now. To trust that even while uncomfortable, it will be okay. Because I don't walk alone. My God is leading the way into those dark corners, shining the light and showing me what to do next. 

It's an inside job, this journey. Always has been. The rest follows. How did I forget that??!

My book quote for today: "Research indicates that the average person thinks approximately fifty thousand thoughts per day. This is either good or bad news because every thought moves you either toward your God-given potential or away from it. No thoughts are neutral." --Tommy Newberry, The 4:8 Principle

My verse for today: "I will restore them because I have compassion on them."

My quote for today: "They say I'm old-fashioned, and live in the past, but sometimes I think progress progressess too fast!" --Dr Seuss

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 1076