May 2nd Determined to Never Quit

Just a quick check in. Still alive an' kicking.  But also frustrated. Haven't figured out a work-around yet to the effects of this medication.

It's a hormone that suppresses tumor growth. But they warn you it... makes you gain weight. Say what?!!

I naively thought "Well, that won't happen to ME". All good intentions aside, it did. So now I'm back UP to where I was a year ago, at 337. 

I've decided not to play victim or make excuses. I'll keep experimenting, and looking for solutions. It will soon be warm enough here in Oregon to get my little outdoor therapy pool up and running. Maybe that will tip the balance in my favor, towards progress! One can hope. :-)

Hangin' in there,

Retta

=^..^=

Mar 22nd...One In A Million, Again!

Sometimes I think I need to go back and re-read my own posts! Like... a sentence from this post: 

In our own lives, this means "choosing to live your life intentionally and acting with purpose rather than mindlessly falling victim to whatever comes your way."

I just realized this morning that I have been doing exactly what that line says  NOT to do. Sheesh. It feels as though every time I get some traction going in this weight loss/health thing, along comes something to kick me to the curb.

How does that sound to my own ears?? Whine whine whine, excuse excuse excuse, victim victim victim.

Yet, sometimes we don't hear ourselves! A little while ago I was on the phone talking to my sweet, empathic Sister. She said something that really stopped me, and helped me very much. She said it sounded like I was allowing excuses to stop me from making progress. Ouch! But she was right. I just hadn't been listening to what I was saying. I really appreciated that truthful reminder said in love.

So, I'm going back to basics... again. And what was the first line that I read???!! This sentence from Dr Marty Lerners free booklet:

"I would encourage anyone with an eating disorder, 

or any addiction for that matter, to measure progress 

in terms of how one is doing rather than how one 

may be feeling at a given time."

Wow, how could I have forgotten that?!

Doing? Lousy. Inconsistent. Poor choices.

Feeling? Frustrated. Discouraged. Angry.

Why? I looked at circumstances, and fell victim "to whatever comes your way", as it said above.

My title for this blog post came from something a doctor told me years ago right before a medical procedure. "Oh, it's safe. It's one in a million that anything ever goes wrong."

Uh huh. That day I was that one in a million.

Back to present day. Went in for what was to be my LAST dental surgery. I was so excited to be at the end of a long process. And so what happened??

Again, I was that one in a million. Aaarrrgghhh!

They sliced open the upper gum and peeled it back to work on my brand new shiny implants, to get ready for my permanent dentures. Part of the work involved placing a tiny "torque test" tool inside the implant, to test how strongly it was bonded to the bone. I've had this little test done many times before. No biggee.

Except, this time it was a biggee. The tiny tool broke off INSIDE my implant!!!! It felt like they were pick-axing to China as they desperately tried to get it out. No go... wouldn't budge.

So they sewed me back up with the broken part still inside me!! That was last week. No teeth, no dentures, no chewing. Waiting for the manufacturer to send a special "retrieval" tool, and then I get to go back and repeat the whole surgery all over again.

I'm not mad at the dental surgeon at all. He's very skilled, and has been great these last couple of years. And he's refusing to even charge me for this go around (and he told me that BEFORE the fiasco). 

It's just these thoughts of... "Come on, now what??!!!" And "I can't believe this happened to me!"

And so I pouted and ate and complained and allowed stinkin' thinkin' to make me discouraged. Funny thing is... I had forgotten that when I can't chew anything, and it's all mushy or liquid, I don't seem to ever feel satisfied. Never full. Never satiated. Always want MORE. So I ate more. Now I weigh more. Sigh....

My action plan?? Back to basics. No huge changes, other than my thinking. Just DOING what I should be doing.

SERF

S = spirituality

E = exercise

R = rest

F = food plan

Plain. Simple. Doable. I dunno... there is something comforting in a simple plan. So that's what I'm DOING now. 

And the cancer surgery?? Still waiting. It's actually taken, literally, months to get appointments with the various specialists I've been told to see. Ooh la la, they are so elite and elusive. 

In the meantime... I'm off to go SERFing. :-}

Still on the Journey,

Retta

July 13th I Finally Did It!

I did it! I stepped outside of my comfort zone, and joined a Tai Chi class. And I LOVE it! I started yesterday, and am already hooked.

"Take care of yourself." 

This is something my Tai Chi instructor said in class yesterday. There were new people in the back rows who could not see her. She saw this, and tried to move back and forth; then suggested they move until they had a clear view. 

Then she STOPPED trying to do this for everyone, paused, and just said to everyone: “Take CARE of yourself.”

We need to not be victims. To wait for someone else to take care of us. To be pro-active and make healthy choices. 

To say NO when needed. 

To say YES when needed. 

To stand up for ourselves when needed. 

To let it go when needed.

To take care of ourselves.

My book quote for today: "So how do we keep ourselves from decaying? By changing the signals we send to our bodies. The keys to overriding the decay code are daily exercise, emotional commitment, reasonable nutrition and a real engagement with living. But it starts with exercise." -- Younger Next Year for Women, by Crowley and Lodge

My verse for today: "A cheerful heart is good medicine."

My quote for today: "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone." --Neale Walsh

Enjoy the journey,

Retta

=^..^=

PS: for anyone interested in Tai Chi, here is a very nice demo on youtube.

AUG 23rd Enough is Enough!

Today, I write what I know. Not what I've read. Not what I've heard others say. But what I KNOW.

Here's what I know:

I know there are times I am too hard on myself.

I know there are other times I am too easy on myself.

And I know I vacillate all along that spectrum, from too easy to too hard, depending on what outcome I want to get. Yep... I manipulate the system! I tend to think that's kinda normal for most of us, actually.

But I'll speak for myself. It's time I stopped being too easy on myself. I mean, poor me, it's been so hard. A painful surgery, where the novocaine and versed wouldn't take. They finally dumped in valium to the mix just to get me out. Fine with me, I was tired of the pain. I was supposed to be "out" and yet I'm hearing them and feeling it... aarrgghh!

When I woke up, I had no more teeth and 2 new implant posts. The first week was torture. I'm okay now, physically.

But I was surprised at how devastating it was to look into a mirror. "But that's not me!!" It will be months before all is finished, and my new "teeth" are finished. My dentist and surgeon said my case was "complicated", and wanted me to heal awhile before impressions and dentures were made. Sigh... okay, whatever.

Ha ha, little did I know. This has ripped at the heart of who I thought I was. Inside, I don't feel like I look. Jim has been so kind. He took off work for a week to help out, and has been emotionally supportive. Even when I bit his head off! Poor guy...

I finally realized why I was feeling so resentful and frustrated. It had to do with food. Naturally.  I eat low carb. I LIKE the way I eat. It's nutritious and delicious, and has allowed me, for the first time in my life, to keep off (with some bumps along the way) the weight I lose.  And now, even that diet is out the window. It's got to be all liquid/soft/melt in your mouth stuff. And this is it for quite awhile. Oh sure, liquids can be low carb. I'm talking steak, or a hamburger, or crunchy veggies... all the good stuff is out.

I'm working hard to get in adequate nutrition, but it's hard to keep it balanced. And I resented it!!! 

I pouted. 

I cried. 

I felt sorry for myself.

I indulged.

I was too easy on myself. "Oh poor me" was my excuse.  Between the hunger, the pain and the self-pity, I was a mess!  

So I endulged. If you could blend it up, I did. Oh, not sugar, I've learned my lesson there. But too much "on plan" food is still gonna get you fat!! Oh the games we play in our heads.

Time to require more of myself. Time to go forward. Time to keep going.

Recently I read again that quote from Winston Churchill:

"If you're going through hell, 

keep going."

I'm going. I'm going.

I'm off the heavy duty painkillers. I'm playing again with my art. I'm making future plans. I even, once in a while, think of someone else besides myself. (ha ha, you think I'm joking...)

Whether you are on the Up side or the Down side of life.... keep going. 

Just keep going.

Feeling thankful,

Loretta

JULY 30th Self-Pity is a Dangerous Thing!

It's a fact of life that some people insist on pointing out the flaws in others. Oh, they think they are helping, and are so sure about their insights. But the vibe can be one of judgement... a critical spirit. 

Then there are those who, while recognizing realities, still choose to UPlift others. To believe the best, to offer encouragement. They don't coddle, they don't enable. But they offer the one who struggles the sense that someone actually believes in them.

That's a powerful thing.

When we find hope and belief slipping through our fingers like sand... to have someone come along side and see potential in us is... well, it reaches down and grabs us, and pulls us back up. We stand again, shake it off, and go on. 

We stop indulging in self-pity, we stop playing the martyr, we stop acting like a victim.

We... as in... ME.

This is on my mind because I WAS indulging in self-pity today. The fires here in Oregon have gone crazy, the air is full of particulates, and breathing outside is hard for me. For a couple of days now I haven't been able to go outside and do my pool exercises. Boo hoo, poor me. :-}

So I was cleaning out old computer files, deleting stuff, and came across something that stopped me in my tracks. And it changed my whole attitude.

It was written for me in 2010 by my sister, Karen. She hadn't started her writer's blog yet , so she had left this in the comments on my blog:

Dear Sister:

I've seen you when you cried,

And when you tried to hide;

You'd always say you failed,

When the desired boat had sailed.

But that was yester-year,

After you shed many a tear;

A swan song now you sing,

Grasping on to everything!

You will not be put down,

Nor will you cast the frown,

You push away the strife,

And plunge straight into life!

For this you will prevail,

Though some might see a snail,

But the tortoise beat the hare-

On the race that was a dare!

Wow.... it felt like it was written for me NOW. Here. Today.

Thanks, Sis. I needed that.

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

JULY 14th Where's That Delete Button?!!

If I went with how I'm feeling right about now, I'd delete about 85% of my past posts!!! 

WHY??

Because of pride. 

I wrote what I was thinking about at the time, but after just reading a fantastic post  by Marion at Affection for Fitness, I think I'd be embarrassed to go back and re-read them now. In fact, I just noticed one of my tags says "victim mentality". Aargh... I am NOT going to go back and re-read them!

It all started with a comment Marion wrote on another of her posts. I asked her about it, since I didn't really understand her thinking. 

That comment was: 

"Overeating is a clear sign 

of acting victimized."

OUCH.

Which, of course, made my pride bristle, since I never thought of myself as a victim! But I really DO want to be teachable, so asked her to explain. And Marion, being the caring person she is, DID!

I'm not going to recap her whole post here. It was just too good, and would not do it justice. But I will give you the main topics: 

• What is a victim?
• Do you think you are a victim?
• Are you BEHAVING like a victim, even when you don't THINK you are one?
• The negatives to living with a victim mentality
• How NOT to think like a victim
• The ultimate benefits of ditching the victim mentality

ha... even my bullet points kinda fall short.

Really, truly, honestly... if you are at all still struggling to get this weight thing totally figured out, please consider budgeting the time to go and read Marions post. I most definitely think it could be a huge piece of the puzzle for many of us. 

There is gold there!!

Loretta

MAR 16th The Headless Husband

Hello Journal & Friends,

Well, I gone an' dun it. I bit his head off this morning! Yep, MyGuy went to work headless. 

See, JUST LAST NIGHT I decided to memorize a verse. Yep, you know what's coming. Now folks... you don't have to be a Bible thumping Christian to benefit from the wisdom of this verse. Here she be:

Whatever is true, 

whatever is noble,

whatever is right,

whatever is pure,

whatever is lovely,

whatever is admirable

-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-

think about such things.

Well OF COURSE I had my commitment tested this morning. Of course. Sigh. And I failed this first test. 

After said husband did the typical annoying Husband Stuff, I was in the kitchen fixing his two meals to take to work. I was grumbling to myself and thinking on what was NOT right, what was NOT noble, what was NOT admirable, etc etc etc. Yep.

Then it struck me what a coinkydink it was that we haven't had a fight in ages, and now it happens the morning after I decide to clean up my thinking! Just great. 

What does this have to do with weight loss? Everything!! It's my thinking that gets me into trouble. My thinking, not my circumstances, leads me down the drain. And that used to lead me to the kitchen to soothe or escape it all. That's why I thought, hey, I'll memorize this great verse, and it will magically transform me. 

Okay, so I didn't expect it to be effortless. But it still comes down to choice. I didn't have to sit there stewing in my own juices, rehearsing all his flaws. I did it because I felt hurt and justified doing it, and was feeling such the martyr! I was polishing my own halo. 

What's my point? This journey takes effort. Choices. Commitment. And if anyone thinks they will get there and not make any mistakes, they're delusional. :-D

Oh yeah... and Chris, at A Deliberate Life,  talked about me in her post on Wednesday! :-O

Okay, not really. But I saw myself in her pattern analysis. I was tired of counting those pesky little calories, and for two weeks I tried to tell myself I didn't need to. But... I do. So I'm back at it. It's a useful tool and I probably won't have to do it forever. So instead of grumbling about it, I'm working at feeling thankful to have a helpful tool.

Thanks, Chris. ;-)

My book quote for today: "I can only be defeated if I give up or die." --Richard Machowicz, Unleash The Warrior Within

My verse for today: "The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love."

My quote for today: "Work each day on your thoughts rather than concentrating on your behavior. It is your thinking that creates the feeling that you have and ultimately your actions as well." --Wayne Dyer

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 942

DEC 11th If I Don't Get Tuff... I'm Gonna Die Fat??

Hidy Ho Journal & Friends,

Ever read or hear something that you LOVE... and HATE at the same time?!! 

You love the parts you agree with, and hate the parts you are convinced he got wrong? You find youself arguing with your iPod as you listen to the interview?

You'd love to "straighten this guy out" so his message could be improved, and that way he could help more folks. But he is convinced that those that are upset by his message are "just making excuses".

So... he has closed his OWN thinking off, to seeing a different perspective that might have validity, which could actually improve his message. 

Sigh... I debated even writing about all this, since it's so frustrating. But I will. :-D

Because I decided, FOR ME, to be teachable and "eat the meat and spit out the bones."  This guy has some good stuff. Really good stuff.

He does have good ideas, albeit presented in a blunt way. I don't think he's trying to be mean or mocking, like some internet bullies I've crossed swords with... no, to me his heart seems in the right place.

Enough vagueness. His name is Steve Siebold, and he makes his living as a motivational speaker. The core of all his messages have to do with MENTAL TOUGHNESS.

And this time, he wrote a book after he gained 40 pounds, then lost it. It's called

Die Fat or Get Tough: 

101 Differences in Thinking 

Between Fat People and Fit People.

Yeah, he likes to use shock value to "break through the walls of self-delusion". I suppose that works with some personality types. His main idea is to smack you in the face with the differences between how Fat People think versus how Fit People think. Unfortunately his blunt approach repulses as many people as it reaches. The poor guy has even had death threats!!!

Disclaimer: I have not read the book. Why?? Because after reading a ton of reviews on Amazon.com, reading excerpts at his website (you can get the first 5 chapters for free), and listening to several interviews with Steve, I get the gist of it. I get it. I really do. And agree 100% with the mental aspects of his message. My own summary of his book would be something like: You made the choices that broke it, and you have the power to fix it. It's time to grow up, and make healthy choices. You can DO this!  

To me, that message is empowering, and I can get behind it. The part that drives me NUTSO in his approach is that he doesn't take into account that we were told by all the authorities for a LIFETIME that eating a certain way (low fat and lots of "healthy" whole grains and high carbs) was THE way to lose weight and get healthy. And now we are a fatter, sicker nation, with a raging diabetes epidemic. That's no excuse. It's the truth. Some of us tried for years, but it was like swimming upstream against a hard current... exhausting and not making much progress.

I was put on my first diet at age 10. That's FIFTY YEARS AGO!!!!! :-O  I searched and searched for a sustainable "diet", and tried, literally, several dozen. It's not just a matter of being fat and lazy. Some of us really tried. But were working with the wrong information. Did we go through times of despair, and just give up for a time?? Did we choose to eat food to affect our emotions, to bring relief, escape, or a thousand other reasons? 

Yes, we did. Or we wouldn't be fat. 

Yes, *I* did, or I wouldn't be fat.

Do you have any idea how hard it is not to be sucked totally down the drain of hopelessness and self-loathing, after trying and failing that many times??? 

But to our credit, we didn't give up permanently. We tried to learn. We got up and went ON. 

He seems to know nothing about metabolism or the science behind weight loss. The best book I've read on that lately is by Gary Taubes: Why We Get Fat and What To Do About It.  It's not a rah rah motivational book. It's full of solid science and facts. I highly recommend it.

Do any of Steve's arguments apply?? Yes, of course. But I'm just saying, he's too simplistic, that's all. Anyway, back to the part of his message that I DO agree with, the mental stuff. 

Basically, after all the legitimate factors are accounted for, we are left with: NOW WHAT?? What am I going to DO about it? 

And I agree with him, that it takes mental toughness. (Now for all you Christians out there, cool your jets. :-) My Rock, my Strength comes from God. I'm talking here not about the spiritual foundation we all need... but about what we allow ourself to think about, which plays out in our actions. Now that we have THAT cleared up...)

Mental toughness

Hmmm...  that's actually a term I've puzzled over for many years! Long before it became sort of popular now, and the topic du jour of todays motivational speakers.

So... I decided to be teachable. To not get offended. To not accept the parts he missed the mark on, and accept the parts where he hit the bullseye. He lost his weight in his late 30's, and is still learning. So in time, I'll bet his message is tempered with experience and wisdom. 

In the mean time, here are some quotes I transcribed directly from an interview with Steve Siebold that I heard on HCL BlogTalkRadio, hosted by Audley Stephenson (no relation to moi).

• Make a decision. 
• Make a decision you're going to do this... if you do the work, you'll see the results. 
• This is not complicated... make a decision and take responsibility.
• If you're going to program yourself for success, you've got to do what successful people do.
• Don't feel bad about yourself, don't beat yourself up. Just make a decision that you're going to solve it.
• There's really no staying neutral. You're going to either have to solve it, or you're probably going to die fat.
• Study how fit people think, they really think differently that fat people.
• Study as many world class experts on health and fitness as you can.
• Beginning today, invest 15 minutes a day studying an expert you respect.
• When your beliefs start to change, your behavior starts to follow your beliefs.
• Self-talk is very powerful.
• This is not about being comfortable. This is about being successful. There's a difference!

You can go to Amazon.com  and click on Look Inside, and read several pages for yourself. I'd be curious to read what others in our online wt loss community think about it. I mean, we are already working on it, or we wouldn't be here. So I have to wonder if our reaction would be different than someone who is NOT actively working on it. I kinda think it would sting!

So in summary: 

I do NOT agree with him when he denies there are legitimate factors that affect our weight loss attempts. 

I DO agree we can't be successful if we allow those factors to make us victims. 

I DO agree we need to ask NOW WHAT? and get on with solving it. 

I DO agree that how we think is absolutely crucial, and that's where I can learn from him.

To be fair, here's Steve's website,  so he gets the last word. 

;-)

From Dr Phil's book: "Change your thinking to change your weight."

My verse for today: "Praise be to the Lord my Rock, who trains my hands for war, my fingers for battle."

My quote for today: "You must do the things you think you cannot do." --Eleanor Roosevelt

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 847

NOV 19th My Choice Today is LIFE

Howdy Journal & Friends,

The fire is back, baby!!

I just spent close to an hour hunting high and low for an article I had kept to back up the opinion I'm about to spout off... no such luck... couldn't find it... zippo.

So... take it or leave it. :-D This will be just one person's opinion (and you know what they say about opinions, right?) Here goes, a message going out into the ether, no one person in mind:

Stop it. 

Just. STOP. IT. 

Stop repeating, ad nauseam, those mythological "statistics" that tell how HAAARRRDDD it is to lose weight and KEEP it off. I am totally over it! I am exasperated. Irritated. TIRED OF READING ABOUT IT. 

CUZ IT AIN'T TRUE!!

Who was it that said if you tell a lie enough times, it will eventually be taken for truth? Hitler??

Anyway, for years and years people have quoted and requoted those old stats about how only 5% can lose weight and keep it off. Blah blah blah. And since all the Quoters are only quoting other quoters, no one bothers to go back to The Source of these damaging statistics that have influenced an entire generation of dieters into accepting the inevitability of regaining weight.

Enough already!!!

The study I read (yes, the one I can't seem to find right now) exposed those tired old statistics.

 They were base upon numbers reported from a weight loss clinic full of people who had chronic problems losing weight and keeping it off, who had already failed over and over... that's why they were there in the first place. 

Their statistics were not from a cross section of the general "weight loss dieters" population. That is why their study outcome was SKEWED, and not applicable to the general "average" population. 

Dang, I wish I could find that study! I KNOW most people need authorities with credentials after their name in order to accept it as the "gospel".

Anyway, with the usual headline and soundbite reporting, the original study was taken out of context over and over and over, until now all we hear are things like: most people fail at their weight loss attempts, and of those that do lose weight only 3 to 5% of them keep it off... etc etc etc.

STUFF A SOCK IN IT!!

I realize we all do this, me included. We repeat stuff we've "heard", trusting that it's true. Well, newsflash: this one is NOT true.

And I am tired of our whole weight loss community being continually bashed over the head with misinformation and LIES. 

Yes, LIES.

Lies that we accept and internalize.

Lies that influence our subconscious.

Lies that cause us to impose limits on ourselves.

Lies that make us cower in the face of what the "authorities" tell us is supposed to be true.

Lie that set us up to fail before we even get started.

Lies that become self-fulling prophecies.

Please note: I am not stooopid. I get it that we are individuals, and we each must work with the hand we've been dealt. Example: I am now 60. I am in a wheelchair. I live with a few medical conditions. So... I'm not gonna stupidly set a goal to run a half marathon. I need to find the best plan for ME as an individual, and give it my best and honest effort.

So while running a marathon will, for ME, be unrealistic, I CAN set as my goal to live a powerful, joyful and triumphant life.. the best one FOR ME that I possibly can achieve. And I believe God has a plan for me, if I'll just get with the program!

I may not control the outcome, but I certainly control my EFFORTS (thank you, Coach Dayne  for that). 

I'm not talking about pie in the sky, unrealistic expectations. I AM talking about refusing to let others steal our dreams. About not laying down and allowing statistics to walk all over us, as if we were victims with no choice.

Have you ever played around with archery?? We did when I was growing up. Compound bows, wrist guards, arrows, targets, the whole nine yards. And the one thing you learned right away was this:

 In order to hit the bullseye, 

you had to slightly AIM HIGHER than the bullseye.

 And the farther away your target, 

the higher you had to aim in order to hit the bullseye. 

So if we start out this weight loss trip with LOWERED expectations, we are totally setting ourselves up to NOT hit our goal. This is hard enough without sabotaging ourselves from the get go!!

Aim high. 

Kick fear to the curb. 

If I goof up... so what??!! 

Get up, dust off, learn from it, and get my rear in gear again.

Am I feeling feisty? Uh... ya think?? ;-)

From Dr Phil's book: "Be kind when you can, but firm when you must. You alone are responsible for what you put in your mouth, and what you do to get in shape."

My verse for today: "O Lord, you are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand."

My quote for today: "Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars." --Les Brown

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 825