MAY 13th Musings on My 1000th Day Since Blogstart

Good morning Journal,

Today I went to China and watched Jeffrey Hessing paint! Well... through the magic of video. :-) 

I adore Jeffrey and his paintings. His love of color and life and beauty. The way he sees and FEELS a painting.

If I had the means and opportunity to take only one workshop in my life, it would be with him as my mentor.

(A detail from my favorite painting of his, titled "Lijiang"; 

the complete painting may be seen Here, 

under Example paintings/China) 

As I watched the video titled Hessing in Hangzhou on his website, showing Jeffrey float along the shoreline painting at an easel rigged up on the little boat, I kind of envied his ability to travel so much. He loves painting on location. Being influenced by the LIFE of his surroundings... absorbing that life into himself and then out it comes onto his joyfully colorful canvases!

Right now, until I gain strength, I spend most of my days in my power chair. I currently can't go anywhere unless Jim is there to help load and unload my chair, and take me. So my life, my world, is here at home most of the time.

But guess what? With Jim and Joey gone camping, it's been quiet and peaceful, and I've gone out into the backyard and just sat, looking.

And absorbing MY surroundings. 

Hearing at least 6 different bird calls. 

Seeing all the spring growth, and the riot of colors in nature. 

Our backyard is huge to me, surrounded on all sides with a privacy fence and many tall trees and shrubs in site. It felt like I was in a park!

And I was overwhelmed with gratitude for this wonderful and beautiful home. 

It was a miracle the way it worked out that we could actually buy it about 4 years ago, with no money down, and I am very aware of how blessed we are. 

Here is my "park", from left to right. (can click pics to enlarge)


We have nice neighbors on all three sides who also appreciate their privacy. Oh, and Joey loves it too, because all three neighbors have doggies that come out to "talk" and play with her through the fence. :-D

Left corner (edge of house at left of pic)

This is where Joey greets a little girl Maltese daily.

Middle of left side; Joey hides her 

best chews behind this huge bush.

Farther down to left corner of yard.

Looking up above the back fence, and

a little to the rt of the little storage shed.

Smack in the middle of the back fence.

Beyond this fence lives half a dozen little
black and white Boston Terriers that race 
around and get Joey totally jazzed every 
day! And if she needed any MORE reason

to be excitable, in that reddish bush, about 
7 feet above the ground, is a birdie nest 
with 3 baby Blue Jays and noisy 
protective Mama Blue Jay!

And this is the rt corner and rt side fence. 
Beyond this fence live 2 HUGE dogs who 
wag their huge tails when tiny Joey bounces
over to greet them every day. So funny!

Even the kitties get to come outside in their

"playpen" and enjoy the grass and sun.

I wish my Mom could have seen my dream home... she would have loved my backyard.

Happy Mother's Day, Momma.

Loretta

on Day 1000

APRIL 5th Feelin' Feisty Yet Trying To Be Kind

Hi to Journal, Friends & Soon-To-Be-Ex-Followers,

For all of you who tend to be opinionated-- like me -- dontcha just love having a blog where you can spout off... and it's okay, cuz it's YOUR blog??!!  ;-)

 

Okay... I had this all written up about 4 hours ago. But didn't post it because I just KNEW it was written out of exasperation! So... I tried to tone it down without losing the meaning.  We shall see if I succeeded. :-}

When I was "younger" I had a big mouth. My Mother called it a sharp tongue. It's taken me a looonng time to dull that point a teensy bit... and I still forget at times. But at least NOW I am aware how much our careless words can cut someone, and I don't forget as often.

Recently I read a blog that I could relate to. As you regulars readers know, my Dad died on March 7th of this year.  I wasn't able to attend the funeral, so at the appointed time I lit a candle and held my own "ceremony".

The little ceramic cat-shaped planter on the left as

 you look at the candle was given to my parents when 

I was born, and represents me. The hour-glass on 

the right is out of sand, and represents my Dad. 

Like I've mentioned before, I've been struggling with my feelings, and trying not to use food as a source of comfort. While I haven't had any binges like the old days... I've still overeaten at times. I can only imagine my reaction if someone had jumped down my throat and decided it was their job, unbidden, to "call me out" and chew tail, because I hadn't handled it perfectly.

Well, in my blog visiting, I recently read where Blogger #1 (I shall respect their privacy, okay?) posted about the recent death of a dearly loved relative. Someone they were so close to, and they were dealing with the pain of this loss. They were processing their feelings, being honest and vulnerable about the struggle... and one of the ways was through blog writing, and their particular craft.

I, and others, left comments of support... just trying to touch, heart to heart. I know grieving is a personal thing. Back in 2004 when my Mother died, I  was so devastated. We had been so close, and there are days even now I dearly miss her and it gets to me. 

One of the kindest things the Hospice nurses did was to let me talk to them, and they taught me about grieving. That it is a very personal and unique thing for each person. NO ONE has any business telling another how to grieve, or when, or how to process it. They made a huge difference in my life, and I am so grateful for them. They encouraged me to do it MY way, whatever was right for me.

Grieving is a dark tunnel for one. We go in alone, we come out the other side alone. Others extend love and comfort and support. But the processing, the "grieving", is a solo experience. Well, you and your God. But you know what I mean, right?

Back to Blogger #1.

So... Blogger #2 comes along and leaves a comment telling Blogger #1 that they are feeling sorry for theirself, and proceeds to "kick butt"... offering what they perceive, I am sure, as "tough love."

Remember, this is to someone who has newly lost someone nearest and dearest to them! 

Let me repeat myself: NO ONE has any business telling another how to grieve. 

How to handle it... how long to feel it... what kinds of rituals or remembrances to have... how to process their feelings. Yes, share from your own experiences, perhaps what helped YOU. That would be kind and compassionate.

But KICKING BUTT????? I was appalled and angry.

If anyone reading this is of the "tough love" camp... please feel free to "unfollow" me. I will not be offended. It's easy to offer tough love, to throw out a quick sharp comment, then move on to the next blog, feeling smug and pleased with yourself. After all... YOU get it and They don't... and you just "helped" them get it. Uh huh... just keep telling yourself that. 

It's harder and takes MORE strength to offer kindness, patience, understanding, and to feel pain with another. To just BE there. To wish you could do more, but to accept that this is their own journey, and all you can do is offer support. The reason I say that is harder and takes more strength, is because you don't go away "feeling" better about yourself like you do when you leave a TOUGH LOVE comment... all smug and feeling like you really did something to be proud about... that you "helped" someone by kicking their butt. 

If you are asked to fill that role, fine.

If you are given permission to blast someone, fine.

If someone wants that kind of feedback from you for accountability, fine.

Otherwise: STUFF A SOCK IN IT!!!!!!

This applies to how others handle their grief...

This applies to what kind of "diet" people follow to achieve their weight loss...

This applies to the kind of exercise (or not) that people choose...

We are here to support each other... and sometimes that comes in the form of acceptance, because not everyone will do it "my" way. So... try to be kind. You can tell the truth... but be kind.

"Speak yer mind... but ride a fast horse."  --Cowboy proverb 

From Dr Phil's book: "Be kind when you can, but firm when you must. You alone are responsible for what you put in your mouth, and what you do to get in shape."

My verse for today: "...clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience."

My quote for today: "Just because an animal is large, it doesn't mean he doesn't want kindness; however big Tigger seems to be, remember that he wants as much kindness as Roo."  --Winnie the Pooh

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 599

JAN 19 Tuesday's Real Post... A Day Late

Hello Journal & Friends,

Like I've said before... the things I write are just things I want to read. 

Yesterday... I was tired of "serious". 

Yesterday... I just wanted to run away from serious. 

I didn't want to face something that I allowed to hurt me deeply. So, I drew a cartoon, and grazed my way through the day and through hundreds of extra calories. Knowing what to do does not equal DOING it. That takes choosing.

If I had written the following, maybe I wouldn't have chosen such a dumb thing!

So here is yesterday's post... a day late.

Some of the deepest hurts I've experienced came from unexpected sources.

Some of us tend to go through life wearing our protective clothing... armour to keep us from being hurt. 

Oh, on the outside we smile and are friendly. But we don't like too many people getting too close, because of our past experiences with what can happen when we let our guard down.

Time goes along, and we relax. We are in a place, a group, a setting, where we feel safe. We let our guard down. And WHAMMY!  We get it. And because we weren't expecting it, we didn't even duck or put up an arm to deflect the blow. We just get it full in the face, so to speak.

And it hurts deeper, right to the core. Because we felt betrayed by someone we trusted, or a setting, or a group. Then we feel foolish for being idealistic, for being credulous, for expecting too much from flawed humans. For we are all full of flaws.

(can click pic to enlarge)

This oil painting, done when I was 15 years old, was the first painting of mine that was ever framed. My Mom looked at it, and recognized it came from my heart. And she drove me to downtown Los Angeles, to Aaron Brothers Framing, and had it professionally framed.

The framer oohed and awwed over it... the emotion, the rawness... then asked her who the artist was. She said it was her daughter, and introduced me. And when he looked me up and down and saw this overweight teenager, his whole demeanor changed. I will never forget that. And no, it was not my young imagination.

But *I* knew. I knew I had something inside that others did not see. They were stuck with the outside package, and most people couldn't see past it. And I've had that all my life. And it's chipped away...

Now I believe with all my heart we are all like treasure chests, full of untapped treasure. 

(detail from "Treasure", 

one of my paintings 

from a few years ago)

Others won't open us and bring it forth... that is up to us to do. No one will do it for me. It's MY job. 

To do the work. 

To dive deep. 

To believe in me. 

To open up and RISK being hurt. 

To have the courage to put my heart out there. 

To believe that I have something of value.

We need to be celebrating who we are, not who we are not. We need to be encouraging each other. 

You may be on a different road than I am, but we are all trying to reach the same destination:

To improve our lives 

To get healthier 

To live our best lives 

To reach our fullest potential 

To grow, to give, to celebrate life!

And that's all I have to say about that. ;-)

From Dr Phil's book:  "Deal breaker... your weight will never be lower or healthier unless and until you stop emotional overeating."

My verse for today: "Who is a God like you... who pardons sins and forgives... you will have compassion on us."

My quote for today: "The greatest deception men suffer is from their own opinions." --Leonardo da Vinci

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 524

DAY 503 Roasted Mouse, Anyone?

Hi Journal & Friends,

First, thank you for the nice comments from yesterday's grumpy post. My hand is much better now. No more throbbing...unless I am careless and bump it! Another round of general antibiotics, while waiting for the results of the culture, so we can specifically target these little resistant buggers!!

On with today's thoughts (it doesn't hurt to type now... yippee).

Last April, shortly after losing our 16 year old Dusty, I wrote a post called Things I Learned From a Cat (here).  Dusty was special, and had her own way of communicating with me.

Well, on Christmas day it seems my two current furbabies, Butterfly and Vevie (rhymes with Stevie), had another thing to teach me.

This Christmas day was the first time in many years that Jim actually had off work. And I was so not used to it, it didn't even occur to me to plan a special meal. I just spaced it! 

So there we were, Christmas Eve, and it finally dawned on me that it's not the usual, just me eating left-overs. Jim would be here! 

What to cook?? What's in the fridge? Anything in the freezer I can thaw? Eek! All the grocery stores were closed, and I wasn't sure which might be open on Christmas day.

Oh sure, there was a lot of food in the house. The "usual" stuff. But... it wasn't right. It wasn't special. It just wasn't "Christmas-y". 

Huh??

So it got me thinking... why was I all in a dither over what I was going to fix?? 

Then I looked at Butterfly and Vevie. They were not fussing over their "special" Christmas meal. To them, it was just another day, just another meal. A little kitty chow, and we're good to go. They weren't throwing a hissy fit because they didn't get Roasted Mouse for Christmas.

And I realized that for me it wasn't about the food itself. We decided to try to find a store open and buy ribs to make BBQ spare ribs for our special Christmas day meal. But why?? Cuz I was lusting for BBQ ribs??

And I was kind of happy to realize that no, it really wasn't about the food--for once! It was about tradition.

All growing up, my Mom would cook a special meal for Christmas. Something we didn't have all the time. Well, with 4 kids to feed on a blue collar workers salary, lets face it... ya don't have prime rib every week! And she would make something special to go with it, like yummy side dishes, and Indian Pudding or homebaked pie for dessert.

The point is... it was special. And I realized THAT was what I was longing for. Not the food itself... but the feeling of "special". Of tradition. Of nice memories. Of nostalgia.

So yes, after we played Santa and enjoyed visiting my sister and my nieces, we discovered an open store and found sugar-free punky pie and spare ribs. 

We rented a cool movie from Blockbuster, Inception, and had our traditional "special" meal after all. 

It was nice... a "normal" feeling, that it was not about the food. It was about tradition and memories and all that.

So thank you, Butterfly and Vevie, for reminding me what's really important. 

From Dr Phil's book: "You now have a concrete plan of action in place for living a healthier, richer, and fuller life. When it comes to managing your weight for a lifetime, make use of everything you've been given..."

My verse for today: "Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light."

My quote for today: "If you don't see yourself as a winner, then you cannot perform as a winner." --Zig Ziglar

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 396 Three Questions

Hi Journal & Friends,

I have been mulling over 3 Questions that Chris at A Deliberate Life  asked me several days ago. I hadn't forgotten... it's just that I didn't have an answer to the first one (I never claimed to be a deep thinker, LOL!).

Okay, on to the Three Questions.

1. If you could ask God three questions, what would they be?

Honestly, I've thought about that almost every day since asked. When I think of a question, I get embarrassed that it seems so petty to ask of the Creater of the Universe! 

And... I keep changing my questions. I think I have TOO many questions, maybe that's the problem. Then again... I also know when I get there, I will have all the "time" in the world to ask, listen and understand the things that I must accept by faith now. 

If I HAD to choose one, it might be: is there a better way to know your will... what you want of me, what would please you, make you smile?? How to better tell when it is just me, or if it is really You speaking to my heart?? I guess this has to do with knowing Him better, knowing His voice so intimately, that there is no mistaking that small still voice within. "...his sheep follow him because they know his voice."

2. If you could go back in time and have dinner with a famous person, which person would you choose. 

Viktor Frankl

1905 - 1997

Biography Here 

3.  What was the mistake you learned the most from?

Not losing the weight sooner. 

Time passes faster than you would believe. It is precious, and once gone, it's gone.

I distinctly remember on my 30th birthday, moaning about how I had always wished I had learned to play the guitar. 

Then it hit me: I would BLINK, and I would be 40. So stop wishing for it, and DO it. 

So I did. 

I bought a used guitar, strung it with new strings, learned to tune it, bought some books and taught myself to play it. I was never really very good, but that didn't matter. I DID it.

But... I didn't apply that lesson to the weight loss. I "dieted"... lost weight... then regained it and then some. Repeatedly. I had a "diet mentality". 

And time marched on. And my life took a detour from what it could have gone.

And I blinked again... and now on my next birthday, I will be 60. I still can't wrap my brain around that. In my heart, the Inner Me, I only feel about 40, if that. Weird, I know.

So that is why I am so determined now. I FINALLY get it. On this earth, time is finite. MY time here is finite. I don't want to waste any more of it on losing weight than is necessary. I want to LIVE my life, my best life. To BE the person I was always meant to be. To make this time of my life Grand and Glorious.

That was the mistake I feel I learned the most from. 

Moral of story: 

Time is the coin of your life... spend it wisely.

DO IT NOW.

Today's Peek at the Past (this was a deeply personal post, with pics of my Momma.)

From Day 35, September 13, 2009:

Full of memories today...I stayed up most of last night reading a small book by Geneen Roth, titled "The Craggy Hole in My Heart and The Cat Who Fixed It." (about the book here)

I hadn't intended to once again wreck my schedule...but once I started reading, I NEEDED to keep reading. I cried my way through the book...there was something in there for me, and I knew I had to keep reading.

It was a good cry...a healing cry...and I am smiling today, flooded with memories. They are not phoney "the way I wanted it to be" memories. But sweet and real...full of love, acceptance and forgiveness.  Nice...peaceful..."warm and fuzzy" type memories.

(For complete post "Full of Memories " click HERE) 

From Dr Phil's book: "When you kill time, remember you can't resurrect it."

My verse for today: "Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom."

My quote for today: "Lost time is never found again." --Benjamin Franklin

Enjoy the Journey in spite of the hard times,

Loretta

=^..^=