Jan 16th.... Celebrating and Learning

I can’t believe it’s been this long since I last posted. Oh well. 2019 was a rough year, health wise. But somehow (to my amazement and gratitude), I’ve finally passed the 200 lbs lost mark. 

206 to be exact. Highest weight 460. Current weight 254. Final goal 199.

Gee. That amazes even me. It took years, but I’m finally there. I was thinking today… at first I felt really proud of myself. Yet found there was also a sadness. If I had only done this sooner….You know, all those regrets.

 So please, kiddos, don’t do as I did. Do it sooner, not later. I need to just accept that disappointment over waiting so long, and then get on with being happy about the progress. What’s the cliche we throw around? Progress, not perfection. 

No Time to Monkey Around

by Retta

I discovered a lovely new artist on FB that I am following. Pat Butynski is her name. She is going through some rough times herself, but still makes wonderful art. She has this ability to be in touch with and honest with her feelings  (grief over losing her Mother last week, and her own heath issues).

Honestly, I don’t think I’ve really learned how to integrate the down times, and feel them, and still have the Joy. So I tend to focus on only the Joy, and try to ignore the hard stuff.

 But she writes beautifully of this. I’m listening Lord. Teach me.

 Grabbing a cuppa sunshine - 6” x 8” mixed media rough sketch study 

by  Pat Butynski

https://www.instagram.com/patbutynskiarttalk/

 Later Gators,

Retta

Edited to add: I realized today (Sunday the 19th) that I wrote here I had "waited so long". Uh,,, no. I tried repeatedly all my life. Just with methods that didn't work for ME. So, let's just say I regret not having found MY way sooner. It's true. And I like that better. :-)

May 11th... Slower than Slow and Gratitude

It’s been going glacially slow for me these last months. Just when I get going, seemed like I hit another speed bump in the road. 

I feel like Tim Conway in this funny video. Everything is slow motion!!

38 seconds of Slo Mo Tim Conway

Still bouncing around 261. Still haven’t busted through to that fun goal of 200 lbs lost. Well, I suppose 199 lbs lost ain’t bad… ha ha, ya think?!

But it IS frustrating to be stuck again. Been hard lately.

• Had a sad, sad event. My big brother, Phil, passed away in February. I miss him so much. It catches me unawares at times, and hurts all over again.

• Had minor foot surgery. Ended my "get up and move more" plan.

• Had a bad fall that injured both shoulders. One is better, the other has a date with an xray soon.

• Had bad news for Joey. She was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. Needs insulin twice a day. She is so small, and to check her blood glucose from the tiny veins in  her itty bitty ears is very stressful… for her and for me. We almost lost her, she got so emaciated before we got it under control. She is slowly getting her mojo back, gently and carefully.

• Had a minor stroke a couple of weeks ago. Affected vision, hearing and speech. Vision and hearing back to normal. Speech better, just a stutter occasionally when trying to say words now. 

But... I am truly thankful it was minor. My brain has a date with an MRI soon. I, too, am slowly getting my mojo back. Gently and carefully, too.

Joey, our girl Mini Schnauzer, 

laying against Jim's pillow, her

favorite place

My goodness! This is the first time I’ve put all the "drama" together in one list like this. Holy cow, no wonder I’ve been crying at the drop of a hat. Sean Anderson wrote in his blog today: 

This pain intolerance or intense pursuit of feeling "normal" again reminds me of the pattern I've had with emotions, stress, and food my entire life. Not wanting to feel uncomfortable or flat out refusing to feel uncomfortable or feeling any feelings if those feelings create resistance to feeling "okay," makes sense to me.My deeply ingrained pattern involves avoiding all conflict and accompanying feelings. Avoiding natural feelings of life stunts emotional growth. Avoiding the feels doesn't make 'em go away, it just sets 'em on simmer, below the surface--constantly bubbling up in everything we do. Feeling feelings and working through them instead of around them, changes things dramatically because it encourages real solutions instead of band-aids.” (please go here for the complete post) 

I sure can relate to what Sean wrote. Totally. I’m not gaining weight over all this, but it makes for some rocky feelings to process.

I have a verse I am trying to memorize thanks to all this drama. 

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”   (Philippians 4:6,7)

I must admit, the hardest part for me is to avoid getting stuck in the problem, and to focus on that Thanksgiving part. But when I do… the Peace comes. And I so want more of that Peace. 

Joy Comes in the Morning

by Retta Stephenson

Continuing the Journey with a (most of the time) grateful heart,

Retta

Sept 16th... Wild Ride and Doing Great

A quick update to let the world know I'm still alive n kicking.












The surgery went just fine.
Was a wild ride for awhile, but I'm doing very well now.








I recently realized how close I am to cracking the "lost 200 lbs" mark, and I'm starting to get excited about that. I'm sitting at 271 right now, having started at 460. So only 11 more pounds to go for a fun number to achieve! Still mostly doing the ketogenic diet. Trying to move more, now that I don't have as much to haul around, ha ha.

It's been hard. And I still goof up now and then. But overall, things are going in the right direction. I'm so very thankful.

Still on the Journey,

Retta

=^..^=

Aug 30th Finally, Progress!!

Just popping in to say hello. 

I am finally scheduled to have my surgery for endometrial cancer this Friday. At last! I’ll be glad to have it over with, and get on with the healing. It’s going to be Robotic assisted laparoscopic surgery. Smaller holes drilled into the tummy, faster healing time, so that’s cool. 

I’ve been working hard these last few months on weight loss and getting healthy for the surgery. I can gratefully say that for the first time in THIRTY THREE YEARS, I am in the 2’s!!!!! This last Monday I busted through the barrier and hit 297. Barely into the twosies, but if it has a 2 in the front… I’ll take it!!!!

Good news also about that leg wound that was being stubborn to heal. There were 2 wounds, and I started going to the Wound Clinic a YEAR ago. The littler one has finally closed up 2 weeks ago, and the bigger one is now only about 1 1/2 inch diameter. Huge progress. Yay!

One of these days I’ll get a new progress pic put up. Just not been a priority. I’ve not really had much to say. I’ve been watching a tv show that both irritates me (cuz I see my own flaws in the behavior of the people on it) and inspires me, called My 600 LB Life. And today the doctor on the show, Dr Nowzaradan said to a lady who was still in the “excuse phase”: 

She can SAY whatever she wants, but I’m interested in what she DOES.

Ouch. I think that is why I’ve been so quiet on my blog. What’s to say??? I just needed DO it, not jabber about it. (Edited to add: that's aimed at only ME, no one else. I needed to DO, not just talk about it. I think that since I was writing/talking about it, I somehow felt like I was DOING something. I finally got the message that they are not the same, ha ha!)

Anyway, that’s about it from smokey Oregon. Hugs to all,

Retta

Jan 12rd.... Not Dead Yet - Every Day is a Gift.

If you ever want to be humbled a bit, just go back and re-read something you wrote years ago. When things were a little easier. When you were still losing weight, albeit slowly.

Photo credit HERE

I did that today. Ugh. What I read was true, and I still agree with it. But... it felt shallow. Like written by a sincere newbie. Oh...... oops. That's what I was. :-}

So, I'll cut myself some slack, and just learn from true parts. It's HERE in case anyone has some time on their hands.

It's called "What's Wrong with Hard?". Good article. Except if you ask me today, after almost 2 years of one serious medical thing after another, and being totally exhausted over it all, I'd say:

Enough already!! I'm ready for a break!! I've had enough of Hard. Give me some Easy for a change!!

I read this line and found myself irritated: "I think that when something is hard, we have to perceive that WE ARE STRONG ENOUGH TO MEET THE CHALLENGE."

And I've felt so worn down, I realized when I read that sentence, that I was NOT thinking of myself that way.  I was NOT being thankful and appreciative. I was NOT leaning on the Lord for strength and patience and endurance.

I was just NOT... you name it, I was not.

I have another birthday looming on the horizon. For my birthday, I am going to do an internal inventory. And change those attitudes that need changing.

Every Day is a Gift. 

Photo credit HERE

With gratitude I still have another chance at this journey,

Retta

PS: around here in Southern Oregon are several farms that raise alpacas. So we are trying to find one with winter hours where we can see these adorable critters in person.

Dec 22nd Ending the Year with Hope & Peace

So many changes, so much to feel thankful about. 

Very busy, like everyone else. :-)

I'm feeling encouraged and hopeful. Lots to think about, lots to learn, lots to do.

Do.

That's the key. Consistently do.

I'm still working on my SERF practices. That stands for Spiritual, Exercise, Rest, and Food Plan. Simple, yes, but easy for me to remember.

In case anyone missed it, I wanted to offer a Christmas present to ya'll: 

a free e-book from Dr Marty Lerner (link below). 

It's the one that I feel God used to show me some pieces to the puzzle that I had been missing. It's not just a bunch of theory. Anyone on this journey to health very long has had it up to HERE with theory, yes?!

It's action oriented. Short. Practical. Sure... work on the Whys all you want. But in the meantime, DO. That's the book in a nutshell. In fact, in his 30-ish years of running an addiction clinic (Milestones in Recovery), Dr Lerner has been convinced that until we get our behinds fully into DO mode, we will be side-tracked and stuck forever in the WHY mode. That we will have the cart before the horse. 

So his solution: DO. Then once rolling in the right direction, we can work on the other stuff.

Highly recommended. Here is the link to the free ebook, no strings attached. 

Merry Christmas!

My book quote for today: "You make a daily choice in how the rest of your life goes, and it can be great. The rules are straightforward: exercise hard and you will grow younger. Care about other people and you will grow happier. Build a life that you think means something and you will grow richer." --Crowley and Lodge, Younger Next Year for Women

My verse for today: "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."

My quote for today:"Be like the bird who, pausing in her flight on limb too slight, feel it give way beneath her, yet sings, knowing she hath wings." --Victor Hugo

Retta

=^..^=

Nov 10th Surgery All Over.... NOT!!!

Hi guys. I’m alive and kicking. But struggling to have a good attitude. It has been a grueling 3 days, and an emotional roller coaster. Honestly, I just want to cry.

My surgery was canceled. I am home now. I was ON THE OPERATING TABLE, they were getting to put me under. I was all set to either wake up to see the face of Jesus, or wake up to see my Sweetie’s face. Either way would have been a good thing.

Then, I went into AFib. That is a heart on overdrive, like a runaway train. It hit 170 before they got meds into me; brought down to the 130’s, then 120’s, but wouldn’t go lower.

They did an ekg, tried sedatives, etc etc. Wouldn’t budge for hours. Obviously, the operation was canceled. I was sent home to take meds and “get better”. Come back when it’s “safer”.

Well gee… it’s not like this is elective cosmetic surgery!! It's for cancer. Which is progressive!!

I’ve been all over the map emotionally; mostly down. I thought this “diet” was over. I thought the surgery would be over. I thought the pressure to perform, weight wise, was over. 

I was so confused, frustrated, angry and depressed. The anger, which I had to face that I had, was because of all the mistakes that were made. Like… my records from THREE different docs down here were never faxed up north, and it took hours to find them. The cardiologist who saw me after the event never bothered to look at my medical records, and prescribed a med for me that would have been harmful to me. Duh! I had to catch it myself, and call my regular provider once I was home to get it changed.

I won’t bore you with the rest of the screw ups. Suffice to say, this "good little girl" actually does NOT feel bad for having anger over the mess ups. That is one positive. 

But the bottomline… I feel exhausted. Emotionally, physically, even spiritually. I need me some serious Recovery time. As in extended vacation time. From life. From stress. From disappointments. 

I called my Pastor this evening, and since he himself went thru cancer surgery last year, he understood the situation. Basically, he said I may never know WHY my surgery was “interupped” at the last minute. But I am to focus on the positives. And that is this: if the AFib had hit DURING surgery, the doctors had said I would either be dead, or had a stroke or heart attack. 

Period. 

This is real life. This is how it is. At one point, I even felt like saying "Oh screw it", and just eat and eat and eat and eat....

As I looked at the vending machine full of candy at the hospital (!!) I said to my hubby "Oh, I'd give anything for some M&M's!!

And he asked: "Even your life?"

Riiiggghhhtttt. I quickly moved myself far away from said vending machine.

So... the journey to wellness continues. Life goes on. And I want to regain an attitude of gratitude. Not there yet... but it's getting closer.

Life is precious. Life is short. Love one another.

Retta

Nov 6th Gratitude, Service & Surgery

Still studying the book from Dr Marty Lerner I talked about in this post. 

It's short, more of a booklet. But packed with years of experience and wisdom. I've been stuck on this sentence in Chapter 3:

"The true nature of the problem, especially with respect to addictions has to do with almost total self-absorption and self-consciousness."

And: "...most of our struggles have to do with repetitive and obsessive self-centered thoughts".

I used to call it navel watching... remembering the old cartoon of the guy sitting and staring at his own belly button. And I've actually wondered at times if continuing long term with my blog was navel watching! Or, as Dr Lerner more eloquently puts it: self-absorption and self-consciousness.

Four statues of satyrs in the Louvre, depicting omphaloskepsis - navel gazing -  as an aid to meditation

I mean... I know all the "how it got started in my life" stuff. I've made peace with it. It's not about blame. Rather, it's about understanding. 

I've found a way of eating that is healthy and I can do for life: low carb, sugar free.

Now I am left with just one thing, according to Dr Lerner: DO IT. Do the next right thing. Focus on recovery, not weight loss. And the weight loss will follow as I DO the right things. What's left to talk about??

Shortly after I read this page in Dr Lerner's book about all this self-absorption, I read a blog post from Sean Anderson. In passing at the end, he mentioned Gratitude and Service. And those words lit up in neon for me! 

Gratitude and Service. I had used this phrase for years as a reminder: Love God, love others. It's truth, yet somehow it seemed a little bit lofty or esoteric. But if you put feet to it, action to it... it turns into Gratitude and Service!

Now it's no longer just "I am grateful to God for....". Me, me, me. I, I, I.... Yes, I am totally grateful, and want to be aware and express that gratitude. But now it doesn't stop with ME. As in that self-absorption and self-centered thoughts. (Now please don't go and misinterpret that; having a gratitude journal is life changing, and highly recommended!!!! I'm talking about MY hang-ups here).

But for me, now adding Service to the equation takes my thoughts beyond myself, and the arrows are not stuck constantly INWARD. I want to learn to get them to aim OUTward. I can ask myself how I can be of Service? Is there a gift I have been given that can be used as a blessing to others? To be of Service?

The day before all these thoughts hit me, I read something about Benjamin Franklin. He began each day with this question: "What good shall I do this day?" 

And he ended the day with "What good have I done this day?" He obviously had a heart to be of Service.

So... that's what I have been studying. That's where my journey is taking me. Some of it can feel uncomfortable. But I feel good about the direction.

Still on the journey,

Retta

A Big PS: I didn't want to make a huge post about medical stuff, making it into a big deal. But thought it would not be very courteous to just disappear without explanation. I'm not God. I can't predict the future, or when it's my turn to die and go to Heaven. But I was recently diagnosed with Endometrial Cancer. It's still only Stage 1; the prognosis is excellent, and my surgery is on Wednesday, Nov 9th. 

The doctors are still fretting over my weight. It does not count how much I have lost; it counts what I am NOW to them. I was 310 this morning, and that still puts me in the high risk category. But quite a few things have been happening in my favor the last couple of months that make me feel like God is looking out for me, and encouraging and reassuring me. So... I am hopeful. If you are so inclined, I would appreciate prayers. Thanks ya'll, and see you in a few weeks! =^..^=

A Kitty for Nancy 

Sept 19th Dandelions and A New Focus

Having seriously contemplated my own mortality lately I have noticed some things.

Now, when I think a nice thing about someone I am with, I want to I tell them.

Now, when I think of someone, I try to call them.

Now, I try to bite my tongue when tempted to be snippy, and instead appreciate and love my Sweetie. Let go of the unimportant, and cherish the important.

Now, I notice little joys around me. Like colors, flowers, cerulean blue skies, white puffy clouds, the way my Pup plays and laughs and barks with joy… for no reason other than the sheer joy of being alive.

Last Thursday I went to the hospital for a test. I’ve been there several times over the years. For various tests, or visiting others. 

This time, I NOTICED that in the middle of the parking lot, was a beautiful little park!! Fir trees, Pines, Blue Spruce; tall blooming pink flowers, deep red large blossoms, lowly green ground cover, a large green lawn with wrought iron benches circling the lawn to sit under the tall shade tree, and shrubbery leaves turning into vivid fall colors. 

And right there, amidst all the manicured loveliness: a small herd of Dandelion puffballs, defiantly waving in the breeze! I LOVED IT!

No matter what, they won’t be denied. They will bloom and not just survive, but THRIVE. I was cheering on those little plants that most folks call weeds. They chose to bloom where they were planted, in spite of what anyone else wanted. Yay for the Dandelions of the world. :-D

In the support group A Better Weigh that I joined a few months ago, often people share how awareness and feelings are different now that they aren’t numbed up with food. It took me awhile, but I think I get it now.

Before Recovery, food was the great “mood shifter”:

Bored? Eat

Mad? Eat

Lonely? Eat

Tired? Eat

Disappointed? Eat

Scared? Eat

Just… uneasy? Eat

The more intense the feelings, the more I ate. Until I was numb.

Food would dampen those feelings, allowing escape from uncomfortable sensations.

Now I am learning not to focus on weight loss. On another diet. I am learning to focus on Recovery. Recovery from that whole mis-use and abuse of food.

After starting Recovery, I am learning to really believe (not just head knowledge) that feelings won’t kill me. I must feel and deal. It’s a part of life, the ups and downs. And to not fear feelings and bury them under a mountain of food. 

It’s scary sometimes. For me, at times the feelings seem stronger now. Like… my anger can feel like RAGE. Or, my sadness like horrible grief and regret. But the joys are also more clear and pure, and feel precious, and seem to touch me more deeply.

I’m wondering if this “food sobriety” is allowing me to notice those things now I have been missing. Methinks… yes.

Still on the Journey,

Retta
=^..^=

Aug 31st A Turning Point & Why I Was Wrong

Sorry in advance this will be long. It feels like I’ve turned a corner, and I want to get it down here.

I’m 65 years young. Put on my first diet at age 10. Fought this wt thing all my dang life.

(can click to enlarge)

I tried to do everything “they” told me to do. Spent thousands over the years, including going into debt from a hospital based Dr/nutritionist program in the 80’s. Liquid fast of 400 calories a day. Ended up in hospital with mini-stroke and gallstone attack. You get the idea. Only reason I never did wt loss surgery was my insurance refused to cover it. 

I believe “they” meant well. Most just gave some form of “eat less, move more” advice. But nothing worked for this food addict. I finally discovered, that FOR ME, I needed to let go of sugar. I went low carb and sugar free several years ago, which finally released me from the physical food cravings.

Yet… the emotional part was still there. A lifetime of using food to “mood shift”, to try to fix feelings. That ingrained habit persisted.

Over the years I’ve tried about every book/CD/video/course out there. Secular, Christian, psychology, behavior modification, power of positive thinking with all it’s various offshoots. Private counseling, various alternative herbal, alternative therapies. Investigated rational emotive therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, and some I can’t even spell.  

I still think there is merit in some of that. But…

I think now, I was wrong. For some issues, all that is great. For this food addict… it didn’t work. Believe me, I sincerely tried. I wasn’t playing around. I would plunge in and give it my all, with high hopes. Only to be painfully disappointed when I eventually crashed once more.

Through the private support and accountability group A Better Weigh, I was introduce to the little free e-book from Dr Marty Lerner. He has run an in-patient addiction recovery clinic for many years, and knows a few things. I’ve been studying his book for weeks. I had to be teachable, since a lot of what he says is the opposite of other stuff I’ve read! Yet as I read, then re-read, thought about it, prayed about it… I finally understood some of it.

Thank you, Dr Lerner, for showing me why I was wrong. Why I had the “cart before the horse”. I sincerely believed what “they” all said: Change your thinking, change your life. That was the whole premise of my former approach. I mean, all the big name writers/teachers said so, each in their own way. 

Yet, for the food addict… there it is again. For the addict, Dr Lerner says that approach doesn’t work, in his years of experience.

And he explains why that is BACKWARDS for the addict. His approach finally, finally has penetrated this hard head. In a nutshell, he says to obtain recovery from an addiction (in my case, using food as my drug of choice) one must DO the right thing regardless of how one feels. In his words:

“Recovery is about transcending our  need to fix how we feel and doing the next right thing no matter what we’re feeling.”

“The cart is placed before the horse when we get it backwards by insisting we fix our feelings first. Believing our feelings and thoughts must be changed before we’re able to change our behavior can be a very costly mistake.”

I still believe in the truths about the power of our words; of what we choose to consistently think upon… all that. But thanks to Dr Lerners explanations, I can see that for this food addict to obtained and KEEP recovery, the answer lies first in the DOING, regardless of feelings. AFTER recovery is when those therapies have merit. I had the cart before the horse.

Feeling very thankful today. 

If you would like to read Dr Lerner’s e-book, he is generously offering it free online HERE. Just put in your first name and email addy, and they will send you the link. Truly, it’s life changing.

Still on the Journey,

Retta

Time for a Funeral

I did my usual first of the month weigh in thing: lost 7 lbs last month. Not exactly Rabbit speed, but a nice respectable Turtle. That much closer to regained health.

That makes 27 lbs since the beginning of Feb this year. In the past, I would dampen that joy with regrets:

I wish I had done this sooner.
Why did I re-gain?
I've been at the weight before.
Etc etc etc.

No more. I embrace the joy and hope.

Today I attend a funeral. I'm holding a ceremony, and saying goodbye to a presence that has been with me as long as I remember: 

Regrets. 

Today I lay them to rest.

Eulogy for My Lifelong Regrets

Today I say goodbye to My Lifelong Regrets. We’ve been together a long time, but now it’s time I let you go.

You taught me a lot.

You taught me about Humility, because my life didn’t turn out as I thought it would, yet I still have much for which to be thankful.

You taught me about Compassion, because I know how it feels to struggle and fail, repeatedly.

You taught me about Determination, because though I fell - a LOT - somehow by God’s grace, I got up again and kept going.

You taught me about Focus, because though there is pain in life, I can still choose to focus on the beauty, joy and goodness that is there also.

You taught me Gratitude, because though I didn’t get all I wanted, such as children and grandchildren, I got Love. 

But one thing you did not teach me was Brevity. 

No one is perfect. ;-)

Enjoying the journey, and letting go of regrets,

Retta

June 2nd Still Squishy Concrete

I've talked so much about learning Consistency here because it was on my "to do" list. I wanted to learn it, apply it, master it.

But I never did.

Oh, I would be consistent "for awhile". Then I would let life interfere. 

Read: EXCUSES

Consistency needs to be welded together with Time for positive results.

That is one of the big things I've been learning from the accountability/support group that I joined recently. I am now officially re-upped for another 8 weeks. And I NEED it!

The things I've been learning don't feel rock solid yet. More like poured concrete that is still setting up, still squishy. But Consistency is a biggee to me.

I know WHAT to do. My plan is simple, but for it to work, I need to be Consistent. Hit and miss doesn't cut it. I'm too old, too broke down, tried this too many times. 

I can't play around, and think half-a$%ed efforts will get me anything other than half-a#@ed results!

I did my "official" monthly weigh-in on June 1st. Lost 9 lbs last month. For the 10 weeks I've been with this support group, that's now a total of 16 pounds down. Not because I didn't know what to do before. But because the Group helped me learn to HONESTLY be consistent. 

I think there are still some spots left for this next 8 week session. They keep it small so you don't get lost in the crowd, but get the support and personal attention as needed.

If you are stuck like I was, or need help in learning consistency - or anything else from the trained Coaches, then check out Sean Anderson's post about it, here.

Like Sean says: Consistency beats intensity!

The weight loss numbers are motivating and made me smile. But what I am HUGELY thankful for are the things I am learning that will KEEP me consistent, and going in the right direction for life.

Quote for the Day: "We must embrace consistency... defend it from your emotions and circumstances at every turn." --Sean Anderson

Enjoy the journey,

Retta

One More Chance

Desperation can be a good thing sometimes.

I was put on my first diet at 10 yrs old. Since then it feels like I've tried 'em all. 

Me at 10 yrs old

Yet I remember one time saying "I'll give up anything, except my Best Foods Mayo!" And I was serious.

I didn't think I should have to sacrifice; that was too Spartan; I refused to go on yet another "diet", because after all, it was a lifestyle change, so why couldn't I keep my mayo? And of course, it wasn't fair...etc etc etc. All that squirrely thinking stuff.

So...I lost, regained, lost, regained, lost, regained...

 Then, at 460 lbs I finally WAS willing enough to give up ANYTHING, even my favorite drug, my mayo (which I slathered on almost everything, of course). It took a long time to find my path. I lost over 150 lbs over the course of a few years.  Then I got stuck, and regained about 50 lbs. I came so close to permanently giving up. I was losing hope.

All that to say: desperation can be a good thing. 

I recently joined Sean Anderson's support/accountability group, yet I wasn't sure it would work one more time for me. I mean, come on, I'm now 65! But I finally was willing to try, one more time. I was again desperate.

My desperation has fueled my willingness to be teachable, to be honest with "strangers", to try again. To out myself when I see Me making excuses. 

More to the point: I'm just plain skeered to go off plan at this point! When I catch myself negotiating (out of habit, I now think, since it feels almost automatic), it shakes me up to think I could blow it that easily. 

I'd like to re-label that fear as a "healthy respect". A respect for the level of importance I need to put on STAYING on track, since I don't know how many do-overs I have left in me.

But for this day, I feel really grateful to have been given One More Chance.

Still on the journey,

Retta

JAN 4th Ain't Got No Rezolooshuns!

I'm still alive an' kicking!

And I finally have something to say. So... here I iz.

The one advantage of being sick ALL of December is that I had no energy or desire to get all philosophical and analytical, and make up a bunch of optimistic and high-flying New Year's Resolutions. Nope, not this year. Not interested.

They're great if they help you. But I discovered something as the new year rolled around, and I noticed all the pro and con resolution talk: that was I was content. I didn't have any desire this year to shake things up, or make huge dramatic changes. 

What I've been doing seems to be "okay". There is no drama, no angst. Me and my Lord are just truckin' along, with Him leading and me trying to stay on the right path. When I wander off into the weeds now and then, He lovingly helps me scramble back on track. It's the no drama part I'm enjoying... the peaceful part.

Okay, the weight thing for 2013?? My highest during 2013 was 366, my lowest is currently 340. So, net loss of 26 pounds for the year. Better than a gain... I'll take it. End of story.

"Detail from Moonlight Rendezvous"

More than that, I've found Peace on this journey. And had one big eye opening revelation a few months ago that rocked me. Okay, if you are one of those that roll your eyes when the fat person talks about "aha" moments that are obvious to all around her... well tune out now, cuz here it comes. ;-)

It's this: I REALLY saw that I've believed a LIE all my life. I've thought about it before, but now I SEE it, know it. I get it. I don't know how to put it into one tiny sentence, so here is how the LIE worked out into my life:

• I felt had to lose weight to be taken seriously, to deserve respect, both personally and in my art business
• until I lost the weight, which is how I believed "mature/responsible" people behaved, I felt I was not good enough
• this LIE side-tracked me all my life, invading all areas, and holding me back from being who I was meant to be
• I kept thinking "as soon as I lose the weight" I can <fill in the blank>
• I allowed this Quest To Lose Weight to be number one, to get too much continuing focus

There's more, but you get the idea. The Weight Loss Thing sat on the throne. Got all the attention, all the energy, and drained me.

"Uphill, Peruvian Style"

These last few months when I've pulled back from the weight loss focus have so... NICE. I've already paid my dues to learn the physical/nutritional parts of what I need to do. I spent the time and effort to ask hard questions of myself, to look inside and do the Heart work. So to finally NOT make weight loss the Number One Thing all the time has been refreshing!

I asked God to help me see how to better spend my time; how to be who He meant me to be; how to not waste this gift of time; to learn to Love better.

"Time, Our Companion"

So, no big weight loss to brag about this year.

But there is one thing that I AM excited about, and proud of myself in a goofy way. At the beginning of the year I joined an online art group, the Virtual Paintout. I wanted to participate for the entire year. Each month we virtually traveled to a new place in the world, via google street view, and painted from a location there. And even though I was sick as a DOG all December, I finished December's painting in Venice, Italy!

"Are You Here, My Love?"

That was a big deal for me. It's as though something in me that I almost lost, that got buried and kicked to the side, and I almost gave up on, has come alive again. I have no allusions as to being some kind of "great painter", and changing the world or anything like that. But I do want to be who I was meant to be. To paint joy, and hope, and beauty, and put my Heart onto the canvas with that paint.  I almost lost that due to the LIE, believing that I had to do the weight loss thing first.

But the Lie has been exposed now. 

If I never lost another ounce, I will still paint. If I never sold another painting, I will still paint. I will paint with love, with joy, with passion and with hope. And with much gratitude, hoping that it can be a blessing to others.

May you all be blessed with a most wonderful and peaceful New Year!

"Hope and a Future"

Enjoying the Journey, 

Loretta

OCT 24th Heartfelt Update

This last Monday my Sweetie and I celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary. 35 years! That translates to over half my life. We looked at each other, and just couldn't believe it. 

In our hearts, we are still those two young lovers holding hands as they walked around the flea market. We stopped at a booth, and Jim bought me a stuffed animal. It was two puppy dogs, their paws held together with velcro. As we left, the vendor saw WE were holding hands, smiled and said: "Puppy love!"

My sister Karen,   in addition to being a writer, is a talented musician. For our wedding, she wrote and sang a song for us. It was a promise from God, and the main line said: "This gift give I to you, to love one another." It went on to promise that even through floods of trouble, our love would never be washed away.

Well, if you think you can make it for 35 years without going through troubles, you haven't been married long! :-)  But, we made it. Neither of us is perfect... far from it. Yet that promise has held, and I think I am finally learning what love really is.

Love is to give without expectancy of return. To love for loves sake alone. A return is just icing on the cake, but it's not the motive for the giving. Love is. Do I DO that all the time?? Nope... but I'm learning.

I'm thankful for that promise all those years ago... that Gift of Love. 

Oh... and I still have that stuffed animal!
Edited to add: I dusted off the puppies and added their Portrait at the beginning of this post. :-D

Cry of My Heart, by Terry Butler

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

Day 1158

SEPT 23rd A Thought for Sunday

Just a little something for which I am thankful...

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

Day 1127 

SEPT 14th Coming Full Circle

I recently spent a little time reading some of my own back posts.  It hit me two ways: both ENcouraging and DIScouraging. I get to choose which one to embrace!

See, I thought by now I would surely be at my goal. So when I read some of those older, positive, confident and upbeat posts, sometimes I cringe a little bit. Okay, a lot! I battle  thoughts that say:

 

See? You are all mouth, no action.

See? You thought you had some answers, and really don't. They are only pieces to the puzzle.

See? You are kidding yourself. It's too late, you'll never get there.

See? You are losing ground physically. The clock is ticking, and before you fix one problem, you get a new one.

So, I answer each of those attacks. Some days that's easier than others, to be honest.

Here is one example,  from my post about a year ago.  

It was about a meltdown I had, and how it was resolved thanks to some kind words from MyGuy. And the quote I used at the end once again hit me hard:

 "Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure, and separates the victim from reality.." --John W Gardner

Ouch! A whole year has passed, yet I feel no farther down the road than that post!

Photo by Jenny Kaczorowski

On to this one,  written around the same time. 

I talked about treating myself with respect; attitude; not settling; I am worth it... 

The post was hard enough to read, but then blamo! I get smacked with my own quote yet again! This one from Muhammed Ali, who knows a little something about struggle, overcoming, and victory:

"Champions aren't made in gyms. Champions are made from something they have deep inside them--a desire, a dream, a vision. They have to have last-minute stamina, they have to be a little faster, they have to have the skill and the will. But the will must be stronger than the skill." 

And there it is. In that last sentence. "The will must be stronger than the skill." 

And I come full circle back to my source of strength, to DO that will. To make those good choices. To choose to be encouraged, uplifted and keep going, no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT.

And here it is, the last quote from that page that reminded me of HOW to do the DOING part:

"I lift up my eyes to the hill-- where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth."

Photo by Melissa Bowersock

Today, I am encouraged. 

Today, I embrace gratitude.

Today, I decided not to bash myself for not being at my goal yet.

Today, I choose to embrace hope and determination.

And who knows... by the end of the day, I might even FEEL it! 

:-}

Enjoy the journey (it's better than the alternative!)

Loretta

Day 1118