APRIL 15TH CHANGE O DIRECTION IN MY LIFE

Buckle your seatbelts… change of direction coming.

From now on this blog Is just going to be about me today and where my last journey is taking me around A new corner. I can no longer type with both hands so I'm using a dictation app which is sort of goofy doesn't work weLL BUT BETTER THAN nothing please forgive typos and clunky formatting

If you would prefer ALL upbeat BETTER SCHOOCH ALONG there're a lot of others out there who are wonderful at that

But this is just my story :

I’m a left-handed artist who is now Learning to except complete loss of Left sidE. Yeah I'm still in the HEY THIS AINT FAIR PHASE. And my dear sister Karen SAID something to me the other day that really helped : she said it's okay to cry ITS OKAY TO CRY! And I said well that's good because I've been CRYING A LOT lately.

SO there you go the last gRAND adventure.

My heart is broken for so many people HURTING  around the world right now. PLEASE BE Aware now, THAT IF TALK OF GOD makeS YOU UN comfortable that's okay I understand BUT YOU ARE Still welcome here WITH open arms right now GOD is the only thing SOLID that I have to hold onTO.

GODs been so kind to me and Never rejected me but always been there for me NO MATTER HOW much I GOOF UP.

THIIS  is so hard on my sweetheart OF 43 years Jim. He is taking such good care of me AND DOES everything everything everyday LATE INTO MANY NITES. I am so blessed to Have been married to him all these years what a guy.

 A Couple of days ago HE WAS so tired, AND I said a prayer, God how can I love him betteR, he deserves better. And I was so surprised to instantly get a reply OH,I didn't hear a voice I'm not that crazy but I DID heAR an IDEA: I was reminded OF AN old hYMN CALLED Learning to lean…  the whole point OF THE IDEA IS TO LEARN TO  LEAN ON JESUS, NOT SO HARD ON MY JIM. IT MADE ME FEEL LIKE GOD WAS REALLY RIGHT THERE AS I SAID MY REQUEST , AND IT WAS SWEET THAT I GOT SUCH A FAST ANSWER 

Learning to lean

I'm learning to lean on Jesus

Finding more power than I've ever dreamed

I'm learning to lean on Jesus

Learning to lean

Learning to lean

I'm learning to lean on Jesus

Finding more power than I've ever dreamed

I'm learning to lean on Jesus

Sad, broken-hearted, at an alter I knelt

I found peace that was so serene

And all that He asks is a child like trust

And a heart that is learning to lean

Learning to lean

Learning to lean

I'm learning to lean on Jesus

Finding more power than I've ever dreamed

I'm learning to lean on Jesus

Learning to lean

Learning to lean

I'm learning to lean on Jesus

Finding more power than I've ever dreamed

I'm learning to lean on Jesus

Finding more power than I've ever dreamed

I'm learning to lean on Jesus

I'm learning to lean on Jesus

Songwriters: Jeannie Vee Clattenburg

PLEASE, LORD LET ALL THE SCARED AND HURTING PEOPLE ALL OVER THE WORLD KNOW THEY CAN LEAN INTO YOU, AND YOU WILL HOLD ALL O F US, ME TOO, AND FIND COMFORT AND HOPE.  

HUGS, 

RETTA

Mar 22nd...One In A Million, Again!

Sometimes I think I need to go back and re-read my own posts! Like... a sentence from this post: 

In our own lives, this means "choosing to live your life intentionally and acting with purpose rather than mindlessly falling victim to whatever comes your way."

I just realized this morning that I have been doing exactly what that line says  NOT to do. Sheesh. It feels as though every time I get some traction going in this weight loss/health thing, along comes something to kick me to the curb.

How does that sound to my own ears?? Whine whine whine, excuse excuse excuse, victim victim victim.

Yet, sometimes we don't hear ourselves! A little while ago I was on the phone talking to my sweet, empathic Sister. She said something that really stopped me, and helped me very much. She said it sounded like I was allowing excuses to stop me from making progress. Ouch! But she was right. I just hadn't been listening to what I was saying. I really appreciated that truthful reminder said in love.

So, I'm going back to basics... again. And what was the first line that I read???!! This sentence from Dr Marty Lerners free booklet:

"I would encourage anyone with an eating disorder, 

or any addiction for that matter, to measure progress 

in terms of how one is doing rather than how one 

may be feeling at a given time."

Wow, how could I have forgotten that?!

Doing? Lousy. Inconsistent. Poor choices.

Feeling? Frustrated. Discouraged. Angry.

Why? I looked at circumstances, and fell victim "to whatever comes your way", as it said above.

My title for this blog post came from something a doctor told me years ago right before a medical procedure. "Oh, it's safe. It's one in a million that anything ever goes wrong."

Uh huh. That day I was that one in a million.

Back to present day. Went in for what was to be my LAST dental surgery. I was so excited to be at the end of a long process. And so what happened??

Again, I was that one in a million. Aaarrrgghhh!

They sliced open the upper gum and peeled it back to work on my brand new shiny implants, to get ready for my permanent dentures. Part of the work involved placing a tiny "torque test" tool inside the implant, to test how strongly it was bonded to the bone. I've had this little test done many times before. No biggee.

Except, this time it was a biggee. The tiny tool broke off INSIDE my implant!!!! It felt like they were pick-axing to China as they desperately tried to get it out. No go... wouldn't budge.

So they sewed me back up with the broken part still inside me!! That was last week. No teeth, no dentures, no chewing. Waiting for the manufacturer to send a special "retrieval" tool, and then I get to go back and repeat the whole surgery all over again.

I'm not mad at the dental surgeon at all. He's very skilled, and has been great these last couple of years. And he's refusing to even charge me for this go around (and he told me that BEFORE the fiasco). 

It's just these thoughts of... "Come on, now what??!!!" And "I can't believe this happened to me!"

And so I pouted and ate and complained and allowed stinkin' thinkin' to make me discouraged. Funny thing is... I had forgotten that when I can't chew anything, and it's all mushy or liquid, I don't seem to ever feel satisfied. Never full. Never satiated. Always want MORE. So I ate more. Now I weigh more. Sigh....

My action plan?? Back to basics. No huge changes, other than my thinking. Just DOING what I should be doing.

SERF

S = spirituality

E = exercise

R = rest

F = food plan

Plain. Simple. Doable. I dunno... there is something comforting in a simple plan. So that's what I'm DOING now. 

And the cancer surgery?? Still waiting. It's actually taken, literally, months to get appointments with the various specialists I've been told to see. Ooh la la, they are so elite and elusive. 

In the meantime... I'm off to go SERFing. :-}

Still on the Journey,

Retta

Nov 10th Surgery All Over.... NOT!!!

Hi guys. I’m alive and kicking. But struggling to have a good attitude. It has been a grueling 3 days, and an emotional roller coaster. Honestly, I just want to cry.

My surgery was canceled. I am home now. I was ON THE OPERATING TABLE, they were getting to put me under. I was all set to either wake up to see the face of Jesus, or wake up to see my Sweetie’s face. Either way would have been a good thing.

Then, I went into AFib. That is a heart on overdrive, like a runaway train. It hit 170 before they got meds into me; brought down to the 130’s, then 120’s, but wouldn’t go lower.

They did an ekg, tried sedatives, etc etc. Wouldn’t budge for hours. Obviously, the operation was canceled. I was sent home to take meds and “get better”. Come back when it’s “safer”.

Well gee… it’s not like this is elective cosmetic surgery!! It's for cancer. Which is progressive!!

I’ve been all over the map emotionally; mostly down. I thought this “diet” was over. I thought the surgery would be over. I thought the pressure to perform, weight wise, was over. 

I was so confused, frustrated, angry and depressed. The anger, which I had to face that I had, was because of all the mistakes that were made. Like… my records from THREE different docs down here were never faxed up north, and it took hours to find them. The cardiologist who saw me after the event never bothered to look at my medical records, and prescribed a med for me that would have been harmful to me. Duh! I had to catch it myself, and call my regular provider once I was home to get it changed.

I won’t bore you with the rest of the screw ups. Suffice to say, this "good little girl" actually does NOT feel bad for having anger over the mess ups. That is one positive. 

But the bottomline… I feel exhausted. Emotionally, physically, even spiritually. I need me some serious Recovery time. As in extended vacation time. From life. From stress. From disappointments. 

I called my Pastor this evening, and since he himself went thru cancer surgery last year, he understood the situation. Basically, he said I may never know WHY my surgery was “interupped” at the last minute. But I am to focus on the positives. And that is this: if the AFib had hit DURING surgery, the doctors had said I would either be dead, or had a stroke or heart attack. 

Period. 

This is real life. This is how it is. At one point, I even felt like saying "Oh screw it", and just eat and eat and eat and eat....

As I looked at the vending machine full of candy at the hospital (!!) I said to my hubby "Oh, I'd give anything for some M&M's!!

And he asked: "Even your life?"

Riiiggghhhtttt. I quickly moved myself far away from said vending machine.

So... the journey to wellness continues. Life goes on. And I want to regain an attitude of gratitude. Not there yet... but it's getting closer.

Life is precious. Life is short. Love one another.

Retta

Nov 8th Crawling Forward

My last post had this quote from Dean Karnazes:

"Run when you can, 

walk if you have to,

 crawl if you must, 

just never give up."

Since that post I've been so sick and so discouraged, that I seriously considered "What the heck?! Why try... just accept that this is the way it is, and get on with the rest of your life."

Well, I'm finally NOT sick, and a couple of days ago I read something by Tommy Newberry that jerked me up short and made me realize that I had a serious case of Stinkin Thinkin.

Tommy Newberry is doing a 40 day "joy challenge", and I've been reading some of his posts on Facebook (link HERE). And yep, if my thoughts these last few months were to be given a grade, I'd most assuredly deserve an F!!

Here are some of the things he wrote that I found so encouraging, and helped me face my need to change my thoughts:

-The words you use today will create the world you'll experience tomorrow.

-Life will always have shortcomings but when you focus on your blessings life will feel abundant.

-In order to live a joy-filled life start thinking about what you want, not what you don't want.

-There is no need to cling to thoughts that haven't produced joyful fruit in your life.

There were many more, but that last one really stopped me in my tracks. 

See, the reason I've been so sick is because the medical specialist I saw back in August did an office procedure on my foot, and he was not careful enough, and cut me. Three days later I realized I had a raging systemic infection! I am just now finally about 98% over it. I've been indulging in anger, resentment, pouting, and fussing over the "unfairness" of it. And where did that take me?? Nowhere except to Miserableville.

So... I'm over it. He was not careful, true. But he didn't do it on purpose. It was a mistake. And by me holding onto resentment is just making me worse.

I'm now trying to remind myself of this verse:

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."  

I've been thinking a LOT about that first phrase, where it says to BE. Be joyful. If I can BE something, I must have some kind of choice in the matter. It kind of goes along with what Tommy Newberry has been saying in his 40 Day Joy Challenge.

I like what Tommy says here: "Joy is an outward sign of inward faith in the promises of God."

Well, methinks focusing on all these kinds of thoughts will make me a lot happier and peaceful than my grumping continually about "what that doctor did to me." 

"Each moment is a fresh start." --Tommy Newberry

  

Choosing joy,

Loretta

=^..^=

Loretta

=^..^=

But What if I WANT to give up??

Been sick.

Not sleeping well.

Ready to give up.

DID give up... stopped trying... what's the use?

Went to doctor.

Got medicine.

Finally SLEPT well.

Feeling better.

Gee... maybe this giving up thing is not such a good idea.

Ya think?!

Reminder to self (and anyone else who happens to read this):

Good Sleep is our friend! 

Good Sleep is a good thing.

Good Sleep is to be protected, planned for, prioritized, FOUGHT for.

A good night's sleep, done over and over, will change how our brains function!

Like, giving us the energy to try once again. 

To hope once again. 

To believe once again.

I was making up answers in my head to my doctors usual question he always asks: "How are you today?" 

I was all set to answer honestly with: I just feel like giving up.

The day before my appointment I saw a little sketch by a fellow artist, done of her bestie in the kitchen cutting up onions. The smiling lady was wearing a cheerful apron and funny "onion goggles".... and was on oxygen, connected to a tank. The caption read:

No matter how you feel:

Get up

Dress up

Show up

and

Never Give Up

I cried when I read that. 

I wanted to agree. 

I wanted to WANT to agree. 

But I was so exhausted, so wiped out, I just "wished" I could agree.

Now, after a 9 solid hours of sleep, I can smile and agree.

I think sometimes it's not just all "mental", but physical too.

Get yer ZZZZZZZZZ's! :-)

Happy Sleeping,

Loretta

AUG 23rd Enough is Enough!

Today, I write what I know. Not what I've read. Not what I've heard others say. But what I KNOW.

Here's what I know:

I know there are times I am too hard on myself.

I know there are other times I am too easy on myself.

And I know I vacillate all along that spectrum, from too easy to too hard, depending on what outcome I want to get. Yep... I manipulate the system! I tend to think that's kinda normal for most of us, actually.

But I'll speak for myself. It's time I stopped being too easy on myself. I mean, poor me, it's been so hard. A painful surgery, where the novocaine and versed wouldn't take. They finally dumped in valium to the mix just to get me out. Fine with me, I was tired of the pain. I was supposed to be "out" and yet I'm hearing them and feeling it... aarrgghh!

When I woke up, I had no more teeth and 2 new implant posts. The first week was torture. I'm okay now, physically.

But I was surprised at how devastating it was to look into a mirror. "But that's not me!!" It will be months before all is finished, and my new "teeth" are finished. My dentist and surgeon said my case was "complicated", and wanted me to heal awhile before impressions and dentures were made. Sigh... okay, whatever.

Ha ha, little did I know. This has ripped at the heart of who I thought I was. Inside, I don't feel like I look. Jim has been so kind. He took off work for a week to help out, and has been emotionally supportive. Even when I bit his head off! Poor guy...

I finally realized why I was feeling so resentful and frustrated. It had to do with food. Naturally.  I eat low carb. I LIKE the way I eat. It's nutritious and delicious, and has allowed me, for the first time in my life, to keep off (with some bumps along the way) the weight I lose.  And now, even that diet is out the window. It's got to be all liquid/soft/melt in your mouth stuff. And this is it for quite awhile. Oh sure, liquids can be low carb. I'm talking steak, or a hamburger, or crunchy veggies... all the good stuff is out.

I'm working hard to get in adequate nutrition, but it's hard to keep it balanced. And I resented it!!! 

I pouted. 

I cried. 

I felt sorry for myself.

I indulged.

I was too easy on myself. "Oh poor me" was my excuse.  Between the hunger, the pain and the self-pity, I was a mess!  

So I endulged. If you could blend it up, I did. Oh, not sugar, I've learned my lesson there. But too much "on plan" food is still gonna get you fat!! Oh the games we play in our heads.

Time to require more of myself. Time to go forward. Time to keep going.

Recently I read again that quote from Winston Churchill:

"If you're going through hell, 

keep going."

I'm going. I'm going.

I'm off the heavy duty painkillers. I'm playing again with my art. I'm making future plans. I even, once in a while, think of someone else besides myself. (ha ha, you think I'm joking...)

Whether you are on the Up side or the Down side of life.... keep going. 

Just keep going.

Feeling thankful,

Loretta

APRIL 5th Oh So Close to the Two'sies!

 "I didn't have any desire to shake things up, or make huge dramatic changes." 

That's from my last post, back in January. All I have to say about that is:

What a winter I've had! Seven different medical conditions, one piled on top of the other... good griefus! I'm better now, and truly thankful. 

But honestly, when in the middle of all that, it's hard not to get discouraged and start feeling sorry for yourself. At least, that's what I struggled with. 

One of the conditions caused me to have severe... ahem ... diarrhea FOR 75 DAYS!! Yes, you read that right. 2 1/2 months. I almost ended up hospitalized. We never did discover what set it off, but they had me trying everything to stop it. 

From the BRAT diet, to heavy duty prescriptions. NOTHING WORKED. I honestly wondered if this was the way I going to go out... cr**ping myself to death. :-O

I finally said phooey to all the doctor's guesses, did some research, and put myself on a special, extremely strict elimination type diet designed by a doctor, for people with intestinal issues.

Tough to follow?? Not if you are desperate enough and facing medical complications. The dehydration and electrolyte imbalance played havoc with my congestive heart failure, and it was dicey for awhile. So yeah... I was willing to get extreme. 

The program is for people who struggle with Crohns, Ulcerative colitis, Diverticulitits, Celiac disease,  and more. I don't have those, but it DID help me stop the cycle, and heal.

I have to admit, though, that I was ticked off for awhile. You see... I was originally ordered to go on the BRAT diet, which is TOTALLY HIGH CARB stuff. Um... I have been extremelly low carb for 5 years!! That was so hard for me to do. And I was even surprised to find that some of the stuff I secretly expected to enjoy (like potatoes, white rice, toast, juice, pudding, etc) didn't even taste good to me anymore. Yet the high starch diet, which turns to sugar in my system, set me up once again for powerful cravings that I'd been free from for 5 years. Soooo frustrating.

Moral of story: I can't ever say I am "cured" of being susceptible to cravings, if I am once again exposed to the sugar and starches. I had to go through actual withdrawal again. And yes, it was very hard. My mind played all kinds of games with me, just like the first time. sigh... And I STILL am struggling a bit with it, even now. Like a lingering scent, catching your attention when you aren't expecting it, and triggering memories and longings. Don't know if that makes sense, but... it's a powerful thing.

Another thing I thought about during all this: that super strict diet was difficult and exacting to follow. To start out you only eat about 4 simple, plain items, plus homemade electrolyte solution. But I was totally willing, because I was desperate and ready to try anything. 

Which made me I think about all the times over the years I had thought "Oh I am so desperate to lose weight", yet I was NOT willing to try something. 

I was willing to try SOME-things, but not ANY-thing. 

Case in point: about 20 years ago when I first heard about the idea of not eating sugar and starches, I was NOT willing. I made all kinds of excuses, and argued that it should be "moderation in all things." Yeah, right. Tell that one to an alcoholic. It might work for some people, but not for me. But I wasn't yet willing to admit that.

It wasn't until I got desperate enough, and nothing that I tried had worked, that I was finally willing to even consider giving up sugar and starches. I spent 3 months reading, studying, learning about it. I had to be convinced it would be healthy, for me. That this was what would be the healthiest way for MY body. I mean, it was the opposite of what had been pounded into my head for decades... so yeah, I was a little skeered. 

I figured I would use my old "all or nothing" tendencies TO my advantage. So once I was fully convinced, I plunged totally in. 

Against my husbands preferences.

Against the preferences of anyone I knew.

Against most of society's preferences.

I was determined, I was committed, I was willing.

It's not been easy. Heck, at times it's been VERY HARD. There have been times I was so discouraged, and wanted to give up.

But I didn't. 

I'm convinced God had mercy on me, and brought this information to help me.

I can't begin to tell you how excited I am to see the 2 hundreds getting close. My highest weight a few years ago was a humiliating 460 lbs.

When I weighed in on April 1st, I was 304 lbs.

That's a total loss of 156 lbs!!! I still find it hard to relate to that... it doesn't seem real. It's still hard to stand, to move, and still a lot of pain. Sometimes I wonder if I am imagining it??

But it's real. 

And on the journey goes. Day after day. Just doing the little daily stuff. Not perfect... not by a long shot. But just continuing on, no matter what.

Enjoy the journey,

Loretta

Updated to add: since some have asked about the diet that helped me recover, I thought I'd put it here.

The book I bought is "Breaking the Vicious Cycle, Intestinal Health Through Diet", by Elaine Gottschall, B.A, M.S. It gives her story (the amazing recovery of her young daughter, who the doctors basically gave up on), the science behind the diet, and recipes. It's on Amazon, and for me, was totally worth the price.

One site that was helpful to me was SCD Lifestyle.
The "official" SCD site Here.
Lots of links for SCD related info, including recipes.
There is also an active Yahoo group called BTVC: the Specific Carbohydrate Diet. I picked up lots of useful tips here.

Hope this helps!

JULY 30th Self-Pity is a Dangerous Thing!

It's a fact of life that some people insist on pointing out the flaws in others. Oh, they think they are helping, and are so sure about their insights. But the vibe can be one of judgement... a critical spirit. 

Then there are those who, while recognizing realities, still choose to UPlift others. To believe the best, to offer encouragement. They don't coddle, they don't enable. But they offer the one who struggles the sense that someone actually believes in them.

That's a powerful thing.

When we find hope and belief slipping through our fingers like sand... to have someone come along side and see potential in us is... well, it reaches down and grabs us, and pulls us back up. We stand again, shake it off, and go on. 

We stop indulging in self-pity, we stop playing the martyr, we stop acting like a victim.

We... as in... ME.

This is on my mind because I WAS indulging in self-pity today. The fires here in Oregon have gone crazy, the air is full of particulates, and breathing outside is hard for me. For a couple of days now I haven't been able to go outside and do my pool exercises. Boo hoo, poor me. :-}

So I was cleaning out old computer files, deleting stuff, and came across something that stopped me in my tracks. And it changed my whole attitude.

It was written for me in 2010 by my sister, Karen. She hadn't started her writer's blog yet , so she had left this in the comments on my blog:

Dear Sister:

I've seen you when you cried,

And when you tried to hide;

You'd always say you failed,

When the desired boat had sailed.

But that was yester-year,

After you shed many a tear;

A swan song now you sing,

Grasping on to everything!

You will not be put down,

Nor will you cast the frown,

You push away the strife,

And plunge straight into life!

For this you will prevail,

Though some might see a snail,

But the tortoise beat the hare-

On the race that was a dare!

Wow.... it felt like it was written for me NOW. Here. Today.

Thanks, Sis. I needed that.

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

Mar 12th A Peach Tree Named Frosty

This journey to health is not a "success only" deal. Well, at least not for me. And from what I read out there in Bloggyland, not for lots of ya'll. We have our ups and downs. But WE. KEEP. GOING.

Three years ago in my back yard we planted a little peach tree. We had such high hopes for Frosty (yes, we actually named her; and yes, she's a girl). The first year, we had 3 absolutely DIVINE peaches. No comparison whatsoever taste-wise with store bought. Heavenly!

Then, the trials started. 

My husband had worked in a peach orchard as a teen, and thought he knew "enough" to successfully do this. Uh, it was harder than we thought. 

Long story short: surprise low temps killed most of the buds one year; some bugs ate up others one year; we didn't prune correctly and lost some key branches another year... on it goes.

But we haven't given up on Frosty. While she doesn't look very lush and promising on top, under the ground her roots are growing deeper. We feed and water her, and do our best with what we know at the time. And have hope for improvement in fruit yield, this coming year.

And so it goes with this weight loss journey. 

I had done this weight loss thing SO many times in my life, I thought I knew "enough" to successfully do it this time. But yes, it was harder than I thought. I won't repeat all the set backs here... that's not the point.

The point is: I haven't given up. 

I'm working on "feeding and watering" my mind, body and spirit, and have hope that in due season, I will have some good fruit.

In the meantime, I've made mistakes; had setbacks; detours; weight regains; weight losses; then regains... sigh. I've been sorting out some "stuff", with not a lot to say here. :-}

Yes, I've been discouraged lately. But I can stay there, wallowing in self-pity. Or, I can replace those thoughts with good stuff... and choose to Believe. 

Not much else to say. I gotta just keep going.  Because some days the Fear Dogs nip at my heels, barking at me that it's too late, and I'm just fooling myself. And that's scary.

Please, God, give me what it takes to keep going, to Believe, and to succeed.

My book quote for today:  "Discouragement destroys hope... When discouragement  tries to overtake you, the first thing to do is to examine your thought life. What kinds of thoughts have you been thinking lately? ... You become what you think. Think discouraging thoughts, and you will get discouraged. Change your thinking and be set free!" --Joyce Meyer, from Love Out Loud

My verse for today: "You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance."

My quote for today: "What is to give light must endure the burning." --Viktor Frankl

Enjoy the Journey (or at least, don't QUIT the journey til you can enjoy it again!),

Loretta

=^..^=

NOV 6th The Wall & The Pig

Smack!! 

What was that?? Oh... the Wall I ran into. sigh...

I realize that it's not acceptable behavior in "motivational" circles to admit struggle. But unless I face a thing and am honest with myself, how can I deal with it? It feels like I hit a wall recently... got so far, and then splat! Can't seem to regain my footing and continue.

I say "seem" because I know that's not true. It just feels that way. And while my feelings have been bouncing all over the place lately, a part of me is still determined not to be ruled by them. Not to let them dictate my future. They are good for finding clues, but not for making decisions. I suppose it's these kind of times when I see if I truly believe the stuff I spout on this blog, eh??

For several years now I've related to the image of the Flying Pig. I once posted this picture: 

The idea of a flying pig is such an over-the-top figure of speech as to imply the impossible. But to me, it speaks of POSSIBILITIES.  Of overcoming the impossible. Of a hope so powerful that is acts like fuel for my determination. I LOVE the idea of the little pig defying all odds, and FLYING! He's sort of been my little mascot, sitting above my computer.

I see him every time I come to the computer. And I remember that all things are possible with God. So I refuse to let the discouraging thoughts put down roots into my mind.  I just can't dwell on them, and let them grow; it's too dangerous. 

All I can do is to DO what I know to do, and trust that eventually I will be back on track and see progress. I WILL fly. I refuse to let go of hope, to let go of my dreams and give up.

Sometimes we get so close to that edge. You know that edge... the drop off of despair... the cliff of total discouragement... the gulf of giving up. I don't know about you, but it's scary to me. While it's tempting to just give in and take the easy way out, full of excuses and self-pity, it's also terrifying how easy it is to slide back and go the wrong way!

So no... I refuse to go there. I don't care what anybody says... even my own mind. I WILL fly. I get to choose, and that's my choice. I wish I could say, like some do, that "it is easy". Well, right now it AIN'T easy for me. 

I admit that sometimes I whine "it's not fair". But remember what they say? The fair only comes once a year, and usually out in the country. (Ha ha on me; I just read that this morning, and said "ouch!")

Some days we just have to choose to keep going in spite of "life". And eventually, it gets better. I really believe that. No, I don't "feel" that right now... but I do believe it.

My book quote for today: "Unfortunately, most people struggle to change or renew their circumstances (lose weight, fix their marriage, make more money), when they should be asking God to help them renew their minds." --Tommy Newberry, The 4:8 Principle

My verse for today: "Seek the Lord and his strength; seek his presence continually!"

My quote for today: "There is no use trying," said Alice; one can't believe impossible things."  "I dare say you haven't had much practice," said the Queen. "When I was your age, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast." --Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

Gazelle photo courtesy of Stig Nygaard

Wings & Poster courtesy of Moi

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 1171

SEPT 28th Always Keep Going & Decisions

It's been a hard few days... well, weeks actually. Lots of ups and downs. Lots of tears, lots of soul searching. I'd have a few good on plan days, then go over my calories. Rinse and repeat. 

I finally slowed down, got honest with myself, and listed what the major thorns were, including what I might do about them.

1) I was re-visiting my spiritual roots, and asking a lot of questions, and trying to learn what it really means to do this thing in God's strength, not my own limited supply. I felt like such a failure... Answer: Admit defeat; accept God's compassion, mercy, and grace. Trust in His love. Rest in that love.

2) I was fed up with so many thoughts about ME, and this weight loss struggle, and always feeling like success was just around the corner; it was just out of reach; it was teasing me, illusive and slippery. Answer: see Answer #1 :-}

3) I was frustrated to realize that I was STILL doing the "as soon as" thing with regards to my art. "As soon as this weight thing is solved, I can concentrate on my true passion."  I thought I had gone beyond that, only to find I had fallen right back into the same muck. Answer: change where I spend my time, my energies.

4) My health has been acting up and causing so much physical pain, that I fell into the most deadly of all thinking: self-pity. It drained my energy, and I found myself many times saying "oh what's the use?" Answer: Be honest with my feelings. Remember gratitude. Then go back again to Answer #1

5) And with the health problems, I thought about Time. None of us are guaranteed more Time. And I came to the conclusion I didn't want to spend all my focus on this weight thing. Yes, I will keep going, and working at it. But I am tired of talking about it for now. I want to spend what computer time I have over at my art blog instead. Answer: obvious!  :-D

So I think this (too long) post will be it for awhile here. I was recently asked to join a book project, which was subsequently postponed. But it got me to thinking, and I've decided to close out here with some of those thoughts... it sort of sums it all up:

Fat baby. Fat child. Fat teenager. Fat adult.

Until I started my blog, I rarely talked about it. I smiled. I answered "I'm fine" when asked. But how "fine" can you be when your highest weight was 460 pounds??

Why talk about those early years?? Because they were the foundation. No blaming, simply for understanding. Wearing leg braces due to a birth defect, I first learned to walk as a chunky 3 year old. 

Upset, scared, crying? Food. 

Mad, sad, glad? Food. 

Reward, bribe, celebration? Food. 

You name it, Food was the solution.

This foundation set me up for a lifetime struggle. Not being taught food was for nutrition, but could be a comforter, soother, escape, even friend. That's what I "heard", anyway. How I wish I had been taught a healthy way to process feelings. Instead, I was told "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about." 

Except for a couple of teenage attempts when I "dieted" to an almost normal weight, I've spent a LIFETIME with this weight thing. It invaded, affected and tainted EVERYTHING. I was put on my first "diet" at age 10, which taught me I was viewed differently, even by adults. 

I felt like a target. Cruel words and treatment, based upon external appearance, cut deeply. It was hard to develop self-confidence when I was constantly made to feel I was "less than." 

I've loved art as long as I can remember. But didn't believe in myself enough to seriously pursue it until recently. Have I mentioned I am 61 years young?? I may be a late bloomer, but I now want to bloom audaciously!! 

Yet when asked to join this project, I was embarrassed and ready to decline. I did NOT feel worthy of it! I've been struggling a LIFETIME, and yet am still not to goal. As of this writing, I have lost over 100 pounds, but am still barely even halfway there!

Then it hit me. I DO have something to say. ONE THING! The most important lesson I've learned along the way:

 NEVER QUIT. 

Ever. No matter what. 

Always ALWAYS 

keep going. 

Over the years I've tried or wanted to try just about everything, including weight loss surgery. But my insurance denied coverage. Which turned out a blessing in disguise, because losing that last hope made me desperate enough to be willing to change.  I had lost weight repeatedly in my life... but never kept it off. It always came back, and then some. I didn't want another diet. I wanted true inner change. 

For my lastest attempt in 2009, I had a simple plan: 1) Don't eat sugar or flour 2) Do some kind of exercise 3) Positive mental input, all on the foundation of my relationship with God.

That's it. Nothing complicated, and I tailored it for me. I could have anything, anytime, as long as it wasn't sugar or flour, which affects my blood sugar. Going sugar-free/gluten-free removed the insane physical cravings, giving me a fighting chance. Now I concentrate on the mental/spiritual issues. I have some medical issues that I have to work around, but this change made it possible for the first time in my life to KEEP OFF the pounds lost, with an occasional bit of bouncing. I know for it to be permanent, I have to change INside. My progress has been turtle slow, but I have hope and determination. 

Do I ever want to give up in frustration or discouragement? Yes! But feeling like doing something and DOING it are two different things. My source of strength is my relationship with God. He has never given up on me, so I won't either. Period. 

We all have the ability to choose. Sure, I was taught poor coping strategies as a child. But I was the one making those unhealthy choices as an adult. Me. That's GOOD news, because now I can choose to make BETTER choices. 

It's not easy, at for me. I aim for progress, not perfection. I am undoing a LIFETIME of damage, poor habits, early programming, and bad choices. It's been a long, hard road, and it's taken a long time to find pieces to MY puzzle, unique to me. I encourage others to seek what is right for them, and NEVER GIVE UP until they find it. 

My nutritional choices have gradually improved over time. I still struggle with quantities, and have decided to go back to what I did in the beginning: calorie tracking. I've studied and experimented, and that's just what seems to work best for me.

Same with exercise. I've tried lots of way to get movement, believing it's important to my health. My goals include walking again! Building strength, getting lighter, getting out of my wheelchair. It will happen one day, I'm convinced. All I have to do is NEVER QUIT! And a huge part of that relies upon that daily healthy mental/spiritual input. In fact... I'd say most of it.

"Sometime in your life you will go on a journey. It will be the longest journey you have ever taken. It is the journey to find yourself." --Katherine Sharp

At 61, I think I am finally finding the real me.

Enjoy the journey,

Loretta

PS: If interested, I invite anyone here to visit me at my Art By Retta blog. That's where I'll be hanging out most of the time, at least for now.