Mar 22nd...One In A Million, Again!

Sometimes I think I need to go back and re-read my own posts! Like... a sentence from this post: 

In our own lives, this means "choosing to live your life intentionally and acting with purpose rather than mindlessly falling victim to whatever comes your way."

I just realized this morning that I have been doing exactly what that line says  NOT to do. Sheesh. It feels as though every time I get some traction going in this weight loss/health thing, along comes something to kick me to the curb.

How does that sound to my own ears?? Whine whine whine, excuse excuse excuse, victim victim victim.

Yet, sometimes we don't hear ourselves! A little while ago I was on the phone talking to my sweet, empathic Sister. She said something that really stopped me, and helped me very much. She said it sounded like I was allowing excuses to stop me from making progress. Ouch! But she was right. I just hadn't been listening to what I was saying. I really appreciated that truthful reminder said in love.

So, I'm going back to basics... again. And what was the first line that I read???!! This sentence from Dr Marty Lerners free booklet:

"I would encourage anyone with an eating disorder, 

or any addiction for that matter, to measure progress 

in terms of how one is doing rather than how one 

may be feeling at a given time."

Wow, how could I have forgotten that?!

Doing? Lousy. Inconsistent. Poor choices.

Feeling? Frustrated. Discouraged. Angry.

Why? I looked at circumstances, and fell victim "to whatever comes your way", as it said above.

My title for this blog post came from something a doctor told me years ago right before a medical procedure. "Oh, it's safe. It's one in a million that anything ever goes wrong."

Uh huh. That day I was that one in a million.

Back to present day. Went in for what was to be my LAST dental surgery. I was so excited to be at the end of a long process. And so what happened??

Again, I was that one in a million. Aaarrrgghhh!

They sliced open the upper gum and peeled it back to work on my brand new shiny implants, to get ready for my permanent dentures. Part of the work involved placing a tiny "torque test" tool inside the implant, to test how strongly it was bonded to the bone. I've had this little test done many times before. No biggee.

Except, this time it was a biggee. The tiny tool broke off INSIDE my implant!!!! It felt like they were pick-axing to China as they desperately tried to get it out. No go... wouldn't budge.

So they sewed me back up with the broken part still inside me!! That was last week. No teeth, no dentures, no chewing. Waiting for the manufacturer to send a special "retrieval" tool, and then I get to go back and repeat the whole surgery all over again.

I'm not mad at the dental surgeon at all. He's very skilled, and has been great these last couple of years. And he's refusing to even charge me for this go around (and he told me that BEFORE the fiasco). 

It's just these thoughts of... "Come on, now what??!!!" And "I can't believe this happened to me!"

And so I pouted and ate and complained and allowed stinkin' thinkin' to make me discouraged. Funny thing is... I had forgotten that when I can't chew anything, and it's all mushy or liquid, I don't seem to ever feel satisfied. Never full. Never satiated. Always want MORE. So I ate more. Now I weigh more. Sigh....

My action plan?? Back to basics. No huge changes, other than my thinking. Just DOING what I should be doing.

SERF

S = spirituality

E = exercise

R = rest

F = food plan

Plain. Simple. Doable. I dunno... there is something comforting in a simple plan. So that's what I'm DOING now. 

And the cancer surgery?? Still waiting. It's actually taken, literally, months to get appointments with the various specialists I've been told to see. Ooh la la, they are so elite and elusive. 

In the meantime... I'm off to go SERFing. :-}

Still on the Journey,

Retta

Sept 19th Dandelions and A New Focus

Having seriously contemplated my own mortality lately I have noticed some things.

Now, when I think a nice thing about someone I am with, I want to I tell them.

Now, when I think of someone, I try to call them.

Now, I try to bite my tongue when tempted to be snippy, and instead appreciate and love my Sweetie. Let go of the unimportant, and cherish the important.

Now, I notice little joys around me. Like colors, flowers, cerulean blue skies, white puffy clouds, the way my Pup plays and laughs and barks with joy… for no reason other than the sheer joy of being alive.

Last Thursday I went to the hospital for a test. I’ve been there several times over the years. For various tests, or visiting others. 

This time, I NOTICED that in the middle of the parking lot, was a beautiful little park!! Fir trees, Pines, Blue Spruce; tall blooming pink flowers, deep red large blossoms, lowly green ground cover, a large green lawn with wrought iron benches circling the lawn to sit under the tall shade tree, and shrubbery leaves turning into vivid fall colors. 

And right there, amidst all the manicured loveliness: a small herd of Dandelion puffballs, defiantly waving in the breeze! I LOVED IT!

No matter what, they won’t be denied. They will bloom and not just survive, but THRIVE. I was cheering on those little plants that most folks call weeds. They chose to bloom where they were planted, in spite of what anyone else wanted. Yay for the Dandelions of the world. :-D

In the support group A Better Weigh that I joined a few months ago, often people share how awareness and feelings are different now that they aren’t numbed up with food. It took me awhile, but I think I get it now.

Before Recovery, food was the great “mood shifter”:

Bored? Eat

Mad? Eat

Lonely? Eat

Tired? Eat

Disappointed? Eat

Scared? Eat

Just… uneasy? Eat

The more intense the feelings, the more I ate. Until I was numb.

Food would dampen those feelings, allowing escape from uncomfortable sensations.

Now I am learning not to focus on weight loss. On another diet. I am learning to focus on Recovery. Recovery from that whole mis-use and abuse of food.

After starting Recovery, I am learning to really believe (not just head knowledge) that feelings won’t kill me. I must feel and deal. It’s a part of life, the ups and downs. And to not fear feelings and bury them under a mountain of food. 

It’s scary sometimes. For me, at times the feelings seem stronger now. Like… my anger can feel like RAGE. Or, my sadness like horrible grief and regret. But the joys are also more clear and pure, and feel precious, and seem to touch me more deeply.

I’m wondering if this “food sobriety” is allowing me to notice those things now I have been missing. Methinks… yes.

Still on the Journey,

Retta
=^..^=

Aug 31st A Turning Point & Why I Was Wrong

Sorry in advance this will be long. It feels like I’ve turned a corner, and I want to get it down here.

I’m 65 years young. Put on my first diet at age 10. Fought this wt thing all my dang life.

(can click to enlarge)

I tried to do everything “they” told me to do. Spent thousands over the years, including going into debt from a hospital based Dr/nutritionist program in the 80’s. Liquid fast of 400 calories a day. Ended up in hospital with mini-stroke and gallstone attack. You get the idea. Only reason I never did wt loss surgery was my insurance refused to cover it. 

I believe “they” meant well. Most just gave some form of “eat less, move more” advice. But nothing worked for this food addict. I finally discovered, that FOR ME, I needed to let go of sugar. I went low carb and sugar free several years ago, which finally released me from the physical food cravings.

Yet… the emotional part was still there. A lifetime of using food to “mood shift”, to try to fix feelings. That ingrained habit persisted.

Over the years I’ve tried about every book/CD/video/course out there. Secular, Christian, psychology, behavior modification, power of positive thinking with all it’s various offshoots. Private counseling, various alternative herbal, alternative therapies. Investigated rational emotive therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, and some I can’t even spell.  

I still think there is merit in some of that. But…

I think now, I was wrong. For some issues, all that is great. For this food addict… it didn’t work. Believe me, I sincerely tried. I wasn’t playing around. I would plunge in and give it my all, with high hopes. Only to be painfully disappointed when I eventually crashed once more.

Through the private support and accountability group A Better Weigh, I was introduce to the little free e-book from Dr Marty Lerner. He has run an in-patient addiction recovery clinic for many years, and knows a few things. I’ve been studying his book for weeks. I had to be teachable, since a lot of what he says is the opposite of other stuff I’ve read! Yet as I read, then re-read, thought about it, prayed about it… I finally understood some of it.

Thank you, Dr Lerner, for showing me why I was wrong. Why I had the “cart before the horse”. I sincerely believed what “they” all said: Change your thinking, change your life. That was the whole premise of my former approach. I mean, all the big name writers/teachers said so, each in their own way. 

Yet, for the food addict… there it is again. For the addict, Dr Lerner says that approach doesn’t work, in his years of experience.

And he explains why that is BACKWARDS for the addict. His approach finally, finally has penetrated this hard head. In a nutshell, he says to obtain recovery from an addiction (in my case, using food as my drug of choice) one must DO the right thing regardless of how one feels. In his words:

“Recovery is about transcending our  need to fix how we feel and doing the next right thing no matter what we’re feeling.”

“The cart is placed before the horse when we get it backwards by insisting we fix our feelings first. Believing our feelings and thoughts must be changed before we’re able to change our behavior can be a very costly mistake.”

I still believe in the truths about the power of our words; of what we choose to consistently think upon… all that. But thanks to Dr Lerners explanations, I can see that for this food addict to obtained and KEEP recovery, the answer lies first in the DOING, regardless of feelings. AFTER recovery is when those therapies have merit. I had the cart before the horse.

Feeling very thankful today. 

If you would like to read Dr Lerner’s e-book, he is generously offering it free online HERE. Just put in your first name and email addy, and they will send you the link. Truly, it’s life changing.

Still on the Journey,

Retta