May 27th Me n My Little Yellow Car - back on the road again!

Time to return to my original blogging purpose:

1) To help keep me focused

2) To keep a record of things I'm learning and/or thinking about

If anyone is still reading, I sincerely hope no offense is taken that the comments are disabled. It's not meant to be unfriendly or unappreciative of you. But for now my focus needs to be on the writing part. Thanks for understanding. :-)

Okay. I just completed what feels like the healthiest thing I've done in years: I finished all 10 weeks of the online support group I mentioned here a few weeks ago.

And it was fantastic! 

In a nutshell: I learned a bunch of stuff, and also lost 13 pounds. Yippee!

The Group is co-facilitated by online blogger Sean Anderson, from Daily Diary of a Winning Loser. Also Life Coach Gerri Helms, and soon to be certified Life Coach Kathleen Miles.

I can highly recommend it... The Coaches will be starting another session soon. Watch Sean's blog for details.

Overview:

-The group runs for a specific length of time, in my case it was 10 weeks. 

-We had a weekly tele-conference call with the Coaches and members. We went over our week, found ways to improve our progress, addressed any trouble spots, learned from one another.

-There is a private Facebook page, which was so valuable. We could share anything in private, and get feedback and encouragement from the group and Coaches.

-Most of us posted our daily goals on the private FB page, which lent a strong degree of accountability and helped me start to re-establish good habits. It really got me going again!

-We could call, text, or PM each other any time we wanted/needed to. The members were terrific; all there for the same reason, to get healthy, and to encourage and support one another. They made me feel welcome, even though some had been there before. There were no cliques; they were open and supportive to all.

-The group was not so large as to "get lost" in, and not get to know anyone. Yet enough members so there was always someone to contact if you needed to talk. I think that was wise on the part of the Coaches (about 23 participants that time, I think).

For the next few weeks, I plan to review things  from my time with the group. To refresh my memory. I don't want anything to slowly evaporate. I want to apply the things that are right for ME, and not lose them.

To visualize this leg of my journey, I used the analogy of a little yellow car on a road trip to Health. I had been stuck in a ditch, stalled out, and this group pulled me out and got me going again in the right direction.

Still on the Journey,

Retta

One More Chance

Desperation can be a good thing sometimes.

I was put on my first diet at 10 yrs old. Since then it feels like I've tried 'em all. 

Me at 10 yrs old

Yet I remember one time saying "I'll give up anything, except my Best Foods Mayo!" And I was serious.

I didn't think I should have to sacrifice; that was too Spartan; I refused to go on yet another "diet", because after all, it was a lifestyle change, so why couldn't I keep my mayo? And of course, it wasn't fair...etc etc etc. All that squirrely thinking stuff.

So...I lost, regained, lost, regained, lost, regained...

 Then, at 460 lbs I finally WAS willing enough to give up ANYTHING, even my favorite drug, my mayo (which I slathered on almost everything, of course). It took a long time to find my path. I lost over 150 lbs over the course of a few years.  Then I got stuck, and regained about 50 lbs. I came so close to permanently giving up. I was losing hope.

All that to say: desperation can be a good thing. 

I recently joined Sean Anderson's support/accountability group, yet I wasn't sure it would work one more time for me. I mean, come on, I'm now 65! But I finally was willing to try, one more time. I was again desperate.

My desperation has fueled my willingness to be teachable, to be honest with "strangers", to try again. To out myself when I see Me making excuses. 

More to the point: I'm just plain skeered to go off plan at this point! When I catch myself negotiating (out of habit, I now think, since it feels almost automatic), it shakes me up to think I could blow it that easily. 

I'd like to re-label that fear as a "healthy respect". A respect for the level of importance I need to put on STAYING on track, since I don't know how many do-overs I have left in me.

But for this day, I feel really grateful to have been given One More Chance.

Still on the journey,

Retta

AUG 11th See Ya Later Alligator

Hello Journal & Friends,

I've had something on my mind for several weeks now.

Finally, I have made a decision. One that is best for ME. I'm "unplugging" for the rest of the month of August. A Blogcation, if you will. 

"After 'while, crocodile"

I've been feeling more and more pressured lately, but couldn't put my finger on why. I finally figured it out. Simple really...

 I am so far behind with necessary projects, that I was feeling overwhelmed, and ended up doing NOTHING. Paralyzed by the sheer size of the list... classic procrastination behavior!! And naturally, as the stress built up, I started reverting to old deeply ingrained habits... of trying to relieve it with eating. Too many calories, whether on plan food or not, will STILL throw a monkey wrench in the works!! I remembered doing a post on "instinctual drift",  and looked it up. Wow... just what I needed to read! Obviously, I still haven't mastered that one yet. :-}

Ever see a duck gliding along on the water, and it looks so peaceful? Yet underneath that water, it's little webbed feet are paddling for all it's worth! That's how I felt... paddling like crazy, but never catching up.

(Photo credit)

I made my decision this morning, and already feel soooo much more relaxed and optimistic. I plan to take a day or two for strategizing, and am even feeling like it will be a fun goal to see just how much I can get done by the end of August. 

An example of one of the projects?? Okay... I hardly have anything to wear for the summer that isn't falling off my shoulders due to being too big!! I can sew, I have a machine, and I plan to go through everything that still has life in them, and sew them smaller. Buying all new stuff at this point is not in the budget, and I think tackling this project will help me feel spiffier, rather than sloppy.

Another example?? I have all the material and hardware, yet haven't finished curtains for two windows yet. And we've lived here 2 years! 

There are several more projects, including the fabric side walls for a "sun cabana" I'm making for my backyard. Fun, wild Hawaiin flower material. I'll post pics when it's done. Now, do NOT picture this in your imagination, LOL, but I want a little sun room so I can go outside and show a lot of skin, and soak up some liquid Vitamin D and RELAX. Can't do that if I am on edge wondering if or when my neighbors are walking up to the fence for a chat!! :-O   Hence, my idea for a Sun Cabana... a frame with cheerful fabric sides and no roof, so I can sit inside and soak up some rays.

Stay cool, friends. I'll see ya in a few weeks.

From Dr Phil's book: "Ultimately, only you--and you alone--are responsible for getting your weight under control."

My verse for today: "The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever..."

My quote for today: "I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do the something that I can do. What I can do, I should do. And what I should do, by the grace of God, I will do." --Edward Everett Hale

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

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DAY 725

JULY 19th Cruisin & Willing to Change

Hi Journal & Friends,

About time for an update on this Carb Conquest Cruise!

I've been spending so much time counting, figuring, entering data, juggling numbers, etc etc, that by the time I'm done, I don't have the slightest interest in spending MORE time on the computer. That's the bad news. 

The good news is... it's going great!!

I joined Deb on the Carb Conquest Cruise a few days ago, and decided to once and for all learn to accurately count carbs. I've been dragging my feet for 2 years, resisting it. But after I finally gave in and started, I discovered that percentages counted, too. You know... how much of your food comes from where... from carbs, or fats, or proteins. I know this time-intense focus is temporary, but necessary. Kinda like learning to drive. You have to really focus for a bit, then it becomes second nature later.

Well, I used to concentrate on staying within a calorie range, and just pick all my choices from low carb foods. Meaning no sugar, or stuff that quickly turns to sugar in the body (grains, starches, potatoes, over doing the fruit, etc). That worked... for awhile.

Also along this Cruise, I've had to face some truths about myself. Ouch! 

What truths?? Well... that it's been EXTREMELY hard to let go of my night time eating habit! I was embarrassed to find it still had such a vise grip on me!! Even after all the progress I've made. 

I would hoard calories, and have a "legal" Munch-fest in the evening. After all, I still had calories left, and ate on-plan food... so I was being good... right??? Uh... no. Dress it up, decorate it however, give it a spin, call it whatever... but it's still a load of Junk! I was just justifying a fun behavior I didn't want to stop.

See... I deliberately PLANNED to have those extra 800 or so calories left for the night. Yep, I felt nervous if it fell under 500. :-} I had my categories of "legal" treats all planned out. My sugar free chocolate, my tea with cream, my homemade whatever-was-freshly made, and usually a low carb pseudo-food treat (ie, low carb junk food!). I did well all day, and have given up so much, don't I deserve these "legal" treats??? I have the calories, and am being Good. Riiiigggghhhhttt... just keep telling yourself that, Loretta.

And I did for 2 years, since March 2009. Then Deb started writing these "annoying" posts, with stuff like:  You heard it here first--Deb's Binge Monster Sanctuary and Overeating Preserve is in business.

It took me MONTHS of trying to ignore it... but there was something for me there. And I knew it. Because it kept annoying me! And one thing I have learned (much to my annoyance! ha ha ha) is that if something keeps annoying me, I'd better find out WHY. 

And that brings us to this Carb Conquest Cruise!!! Take a bow, Deb, it's all yer fault, ha ha ha... 

Seriously, I'm very thankful Deb DID talk about it. Because it was time. Time for me to face that I really did need to let go of my treasured "treat" of saving up calories and abusing food at night... for that's what it was for me. My way to unwind, treat myself, soothe after a hard day, whatever. I didn't NEED to look for a reason, there was always a reason. :-}

I've wound it down to my sugar free chocolate, and hot tea--no cream... IF I still have the calories in the budget. Or, one diet soda sweetened with splenda, or just herbal iced tea. Maybe some day I will get to the "nothing" stage. We'll see. :-) But for me, this is a HUGE change. Progress... progress.

If you are struggling with night time eating that is interfering with your progress, do yourself a favor, and go read these two "annoying" posts by Deb, Part 1 and Part 2. Go ahead... leave her an Annoyed comment. She won't mind... mwa ha ha ha. ;-)

From Dr Phil's book: "If you continue to eat the way you've always eaten, you will continue to stay the way you've always been."

My verse for today: "You are my lamp, O Lord; the Lord turns my darkness into light."

My quote for today: "You change for one of two reasons: you learn enough to want to... OR... you've been hurt enough you have to." --Author unknown

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

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DAY 703

JUNE 14th Strawberries, Sharks & Tears of Joy

Hello Journal & Friends,

For some of you, being told you needed a Size 3X dress would bring on tears of horror!! 

But for me... I had tears of joy. Yesterday was Jim's day off, and we went shopping and goofing off together. I got all dressed up and tried on a new lavendar dress, to see if it fit yet. YES!! It was a 3X. 

I've been buying clothing occasionally on clearance, but always in sizes too small for me yet. And I got this one a couple of months ago. It's been 26 YEARS since I've been able to wear a 3X!! When I was 460 pounds, I could barely squeeze into the largest 6X's that the Lane Bryant catalog sold. So... this is extremely encouraging to me.

While we were at WalMart, I spurged on some silly party plates to eat my lunches on.

For lunch today Tinkerbell and I had a small piece of the sugar free pie we also bought there.

And we couldn't forget Joey! Here is her new squeaky toy, which she loves:

We also picked strawberries yesterday...our barrel planter is overflowing with ripe strawberries, finally. Yay!

You know how you work hard, and wait, and expect results from your efforts...yet sometimes those results are not always exactly what you expected?? Hmmmm...

It's been a whole month since I started my Secret September Challenge. Wow... and we have both benefited so much! We've hit and overcome that "wall", where the honeymoon phase is over and the routine sets in. 

We've discovered some weaknesses we each need to work on, and I've had some new realizations that I think are going to help me go forward and make progress.

One of them is that my perceptions are skewed. REALLY SKEWED. Remember, I started up there pretty high, at 460 pounds. And when you are that overweight so long, I think it messes with your head... at least it did for me. 

What *I* think is normal, is not. 

What *I* perceive as bigger or smaller, is not.

What *I* feel is more or is less, is not the same as other people.

A perfect example: my new lavendar dress. I am sooo excited to be "down" to a 3X. Yet most of you would be aghast if you found yourself in a 3X. It's all in the perceptions. 

And... I think that's been working against me. 

Both my Secret Challenge partner and I have been having trouble ratcheting down the calories. And I finally realized just recently it's because, TO ME, the 1600 I was aiming for SEEMED VERY SMALL. But that was because I was--without realizing it--comparing it to what I USED to eat.

What I USED to eat was abnormal, not normal. Okay... intellectually, that's obvious. But I'm talking here about feelings... senses... perceptions... emotional reactions, whatever you call it.

I was using an ABNORMAL YARDSTICK as my comparison. I need to change my perceptions. To compare to a healthy, normal, moderate amount. 

I have the same trouble with portion sizes. A "normal" portion seems mighty tiny when I am hungry!! Yet invariably afterwards I am satisfied. But beforehand, it didn't "look" like very much. Again, I was comparing to the amounts I USED to eat. Skewed perceptions.

I know this will take time... to get so used to a new thing that it becomes my New Normal. But that's what I'm working on. Visualizing, accepting, enjoying, embracing and celebrating a Healthy New Normal. 

From Dr Phil's book: "Having specific, carefully mapped out, vividly envisioned goals is an absolute requirement for success."

My verse for today: "...put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love."

My quote for today: "If children have the ability to ignore all odds and percentages, then maybe we can all learn from them. When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope? We have two options, medically and emotionally: give up, or Fight Like Hell." --Lance Armstrong

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

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DAY 669

DAY 508 The Boring But Useful CHECKLIST

Good Afternoon, Journal & Friends,

When I had my first hand surgery back in October of 09, they did something I found amusing... yet I was glad they did it. 

Each person along the chain of events initialed my hand/wrist in ink... right on my skin. Including me, the nurses, and even the surgeon, all prior to the surgery. They were absolutely determined to get it right! Or, in this case left... it was on my left hand. ;-)

They had a checklist, and this was one way to make sure they didn't slice and dice the wrong body part. They didn't leave it to chance, to memory, or even to "procedure". They followed a checklist, and that checklist said that each person had to initial the body part to make sure it was the RIGHT body part.

Well... recently I read about a book written by Dr Atul Awande, titled "The Checklist Manifesto: How to Get Things Right." It was fascinating! And had a lot of the truths I could apply to my own journey.

Here are some excerpts, bolded emphasis mine, that I found interesting. It's long, but worth it:

"Despite showing (hospital) staff members of the benefits of using the checklist, 20% resisted stating that it was not easy to use, it took too long and felt it had not improved the safety of care. Yet, when asked an additional question - would you want the checklist to be used if you were having an operation - a full 93% said yes." 

"In a world in which success now requires large enterprises, teams of clinicians, high-risk technologies, and knowledge that outstrips any one person's abilities, individual autonomy hardly seems the ideal we should aim for. ..what is needed, however is discipline...

Discipline is hard - harder than trustworthiness and skill and perhaps even than selflessness. We are by nature flawed and inconstant creatures. We can't even keep from snacking between meals. We are built for novelty and excitement, not for careful attention to detail. Discipline is something we have to work at." 

"We don't study routine failures...when we look closely, we recognize the same balls being dropped over and over, even by those of great ability and determination. We know the patterns. We see the costs. It's time to try something else. Try a checklist." 

"We're obsessed in medicine with having great components, the best drugs, the best devices, the best specialists - but pay little attention to how to make them fit together well"" 

"It somehow feels beneath us to use a checklist, an embarrassment. It runs counter to deeply held beliefs about how the truly great among us - those we aspire to be - handle situations of high stakes and complexity. The truly great are daring. They improvise. They do not have protocols and checklists. Maybe our idea of heroism needs updating." 

So, being one always on the lookout for useful tools along this journey, I made myself a Checklist template with the stuff I'm working on each day. Like I mentioned before, I don't expect perfection each day. But I know me: if I have it written down, easily accessible, and can check it off as I go, I will accomplish MORE than if I were to try to remember it all hit and miss. (can click pics to enlarge)

I have the big size I want to keep, one for each month, in a notebook. But I also printed out a small "working" copy to stick in a pocket, or doodle on, throughout the day. Just to make it practical and doable. 

And there is something in me that enjoys checking stuff off a list! So there is that fun factor, that sense of accomplishment. 

At the end of 2011, I expect to look back and say "Wow! What a great idea that was... look at all I have accomplished. All these small daily goals added up to big changes at the end of the year!"

Try it, you might like it.

From Dr Phil's book: "It's about changing yourself from the inside out."

My verse for today: "Praise the Lord, for the Lord is good; sing praise to his name, for that is pleasant."

My quote for today: "If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good." --Dr Seuss

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

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