Just Too Sad

Hi again,

Wow... no post for days, then two in one day. But I wanted to share why I just feel deflated, and don't even know when I'll post next. Oh, I'm sure I will... it's just I don't even feel like thinking about it right now. 

News... more heartbreaking news. As you know, only 5 weeks ago my Dad died. I felt like I was just getting my legs under me again. And now... more sadness. 

My dear nephew-in-law died last night, at home in his sleep. My niece and nephew-in-law are wonderful people, solid believers, with 3 daughters. He wasn't even 50 yet. I admire the man he was... solid, trustworthy, generous and kind. I feel like... it's just not fair...

He had a biopsy for his brain tumor just a few days ago... and we were all of the mindset of waiting for the results, and going from there... so this was an unexpected punch.

I sat out on my front porch this morning after I got the call... looking at the new growth, the buds, green leaves, little flowers. The cycle of life, like from that song in The Lion King. I feel so incredibly sad... again.

And yes, I wanted to eat... again. But I've been doing an experiment this week with my plan, and had made a promise to a friend to be accountable to her. That slowed me down during the day, giving me time to think instead of react. It's helping... with the eating, but not with the sadness. I did eat a little more than normal this evening... but even that has lost it's allure now.

In the grand scheme of things, this "diet" thing is so incredibly unimportant, in and of itself. It's only a means to an end, a way to get back what I've lost, so I can go on and focus on what's really important in life... what matters most. 

I don't want to spend any more time than necessary on this part of the journey...the mechanics of it. The process of weight removal... the regaining of health and strength. 

I don't need another hobby! I don't need to dabble around, and get all comfy being a "weight loss" blogger, allowing that to become my identity. I am NOT that. This is a temporary part of my life, a necessary thing I need to do in order to get PAST this hurdle, this hindrance, this weight. Yes, being careful in this area will most likely be with me for life... but it doesn't have to BE my life.

Life is short. I don't want to waste it on things that don't matter in the long run. In honor of this wonderful man, my nephew, I will stay on my plan. He had no choice that his life was cut short. I have a choice, as to whether or not I goof around and make stupid choices, which will shorten my life. 

I feel grateful for mercy... for the chance to make healthy choices. And a responsibility to make this time I've been given count, to live it in a way that matters.

(photo credit)

"Lost time is never found again." 

--Benjamin Franklin

"Time is the coin of your life. 

It is the only coin you have, 

and only you can determine how it will be spent. 

Be careful lest you let other people spend it for you." 

--Carl Sandburg

"Whether we like it or not, the clock keeps ticking 

so live fully, every single second of every single day. 

Learn the true joy of doing less and having more 

as you experience each day as priceless. 

Fill your life with as many precious moments and 

experiences of joy and passion as you humanly can."  

--Marcia Weder, excerpt from 

Dreams Are Whispers From the Soul

"My times are in your hands... " 

Psalms 31:15

Loretta

APRIL 14th Gaining Peace & Too Busy!

Hello Journal & Friends,

I was surprised when I glanced at the date of my last post... I hadn't realized it had been that long! Is that a good thing? Too busy living to obsess on weight loss?? Or maybe just too busy, LOL!

This last Monday I had a wonderful visit family members. We met at a local eatery, and shared our memories of my Dad... and to some of them, their Grand-Dad. The youngest was 3, Dad's great-granddaughter. 

I enjoyed it so much...it was sort of closure. Since I don't have permission to post photos of everyone, I'll just show Jim and myself:

My brother had generously sent us a gift card to this restaurant, which happened to be the buffet type. I liked that! I get to be picky, and stay on plan. Though I must admit, I came within 3 seconds of going back for a huge chocolate frosted brownie I spotted while looking for the sugar-free desserts. 

I was pouting because they used to have more choices. And I ALMOST huffed and puffed over that, and went for the brownie. Thankfully, sanity prevailed. ;-) But it sort of shook me to have come that close. Sigh... I'm not as solid as I'd like to think. And I need to remember that.

Each year when we use the gift card from my brother and sister-in-law, we bring a cardboard cut-out stand-up of Weebles with Phil and Fay's names on it. We set it on the table like they are there having the meal with us. It's funny to us... and then we send it to them afterwards with the photo. 

This year I included a cut-out of my Dad. This was my and my sister's favorite photo of Dad. We had a sweet time of sharing, laughing, remembering, and telling stories on each other. :-)

From Dr Phil's book: "Gain emotional closure... refuse to live with unfinished emotional business."

My verse for today: "Be stilll, and know that I am God."

My quote for today: "May you live as long as you wish and love as long as you live." --Robert A Heinlein, Time Enough for Love

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 608

APRIL 5th Feelin' Feisty Yet Trying To Be Kind

Hi to Journal, Friends & Soon-To-Be-Ex-Followers,

For all of you who tend to be opinionated-- like me -- dontcha just love having a blog where you can spout off... and it's okay, cuz it's YOUR blog??!!  ;-)

 

Okay... I had this all written up about 4 hours ago. But didn't post it because I just KNEW it was written out of exasperation! So... I tried to tone it down without losing the meaning.  We shall see if I succeeded. :-}

When I was "younger" I had a big mouth. My Mother called it a sharp tongue. It's taken me a looonng time to dull that point a teensy bit... and I still forget at times. But at least NOW I am aware how much our careless words can cut someone, and I don't forget as often.

Recently I read a blog that I could relate to. As you regulars readers know, my Dad died on March 7th of this year.  I wasn't able to attend the funeral, so at the appointed time I lit a candle and held my own "ceremony".

The little ceramic cat-shaped planter on the left as

 you look at the candle was given to my parents when 

I was born, and represents me. The hour-glass on 

the right is out of sand, and represents my Dad. 

Like I've mentioned before, I've been struggling with my feelings, and trying not to use food as a source of comfort. While I haven't had any binges like the old days... I've still overeaten at times. I can only imagine my reaction if someone had jumped down my throat and decided it was their job, unbidden, to "call me out" and chew tail, because I hadn't handled it perfectly.

Well, in my blog visiting, I recently read where Blogger #1 (I shall respect their privacy, okay?) posted about the recent death of a dearly loved relative. Someone they were so close to, and they were dealing with the pain of this loss. They were processing their feelings, being honest and vulnerable about the struggle... and one of the ways was through blog writing, and their particular craft.

I, and others, left comments of support... just trying to touch, heart to heart. I know grieving is a personal thing. Back in 2004 when my Mother died, I  was so devastated. We had been so close, and there are days even now I dearly miss her and it gets to me. 

One of the kindest things the Hospice nurses did was to let me talk to them, and they taught me about grieving. That it is a very personal and unique thing for each person. NO ONE has any business telling another how to grieve, or when, or how to process it. They made a huge difference in my life, and I am so grateful for them. They encouraged me to do it MY way, whatever was right for me.

Grieving is a dark tunnel for one. We go in alone, we come out the other side alone. Others extend love and comfort and support. But the processing, the "grieving", is a solo experience. Well, you and your God. But you know what I mean, right?

Back to Blogger #1.

So... Blogger #2 comes along and leaves a comment telling Blogger #1 that they are feeling sorry for theirself, and proceeds to "kick butt"... offering what they perceive, I am sure, as "tough love."

Remember, this is to someone who has newly lost someone nearest and dearest to them! 

Let me repeat myself: NO ONE has any business telling another how to grieve. 

How to handle it... how long to feel it... what kinds of rituals or remembrances to have... how to process their feelings. Yes, share from your own experiences, perhaps what helped YOU. That would be kind and compassionate.

But KICKING BUTT????? I was appalled and angry.

If anyone reading this is of the "tough love" camp... please feel free to "unfollow" me. I will not be offended. It's easy to offer tough love, to throw out a quick sharp comment, then move on to the next blog, feeling smug and pleased with yourself. After all... YOU get it and They don't... and you just "helped" them get it. Uh huh... just keep telling yourself that. 

It's harder and takes MORE strength to offer kindness, patience, understanding, and to feel pain with another. To just BE there. To wish you could do more, but to accept that this is their own journey, and all you can do is offer support. The reason I say that is harder and takes more strength, is because you don't go away "feeling" better about yourself like you do when you leave a TOUGH LOVE comment... all smug and feeling like you really did something to be proud about... that you "helped" someone by kicking their butt. 

If you are asked to fill that role, fine.

If you are given permission to blast someone, fine.

If someone wants that kind of feedback from you for accountability, fine.

Otherwise: STUFF A SOCK IN IT!!!!!!

This applies to how others handle their grief...

This applies to what kind of "diet" people follow to achieve their weight loss...

This applies to the kind of exercise (or not) that people choose...

We are here to support each other... and sometimes that comes in the form of acceptance, because not everyone will do it "my" way. So... try to be kind. You can tell the truth... but be kind.

"Speak yer mind... but ride a fast horse."  --Cowboy proverb 

From Dr Phil's book: "Be kind when you can, but firm when you must. You alone are responsible for what you put in your mouth, and what you do to get in shape."

My verse for today: "...clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience."

My quote for today: "Just because an animal is large, it doesn't mean he doesn't want kindness; however big Tigger seems to be, remember that he wants as much kindness as Roo."  --Winnie the Pooh

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 599

APRIL 1st Foolish Thinking & Continuing On

Hi there Journal & Friends,

People are interesting...

I remember once having a friend from church that I looked up to. She was older than I was, had quite the high IQ, and we had a weight problem in common. One day we were talking about some topic--I don't remember which--and we disagreed.

Then she said something that I never forgot...

 When I asked her WHY she insisted she was right, she said: "It MUST be true... because I believe it."

Alrighty then! But really, isn't that how we are? We get stuck in our own opinion, and just keep building our body of evidence. I'm including myself here.

So... lately I've been challenged to rethink a position, to acknowlege there might, just might be a different way to look at it!

Okay, here was my big opinion:

If you want to lose weight and KEEP it off, you can't have a Diet Mentality. And my definition of a Diet Mentality was: a diet is something you go ON, then later you go OFF of it. And you go back to your old ways, and regain your lost weight, along with some of it's buddies.

I believed that because I DID that too many times in my life to count! It was disheartening... demoralizing... devastating.

Now, if you're just skimming this post in a rush, you are going to go away thinking that's my main point, to not have a Diet Mentality. Nope, it's not.

My main point is this: I was wrong. I was foolishly narrow minded. There IS a Diet Mentality, don't get me wrong. I lived it, I proved that. 

But I'm beginning to see there is a Parallel Truth there. You know... when a different point of view is ALSO true. Doesn't make one NOT true... it just means there is more than one way to reach the goal... more than one approach that can work.

What am I babbling about?? 

When I started on this final weight loss effort, I told myself that I WILL NEVER GO ON ANOTHER DIET AGAIN IN MY LIFE. That's IT. I've HAD it. If it's not something I can do for life, then it's a "diet", and I just won't do it.

Well, I stubbornly, pridefully, clung to that belief, and foolishly thought it should apply to EVERYONE. I supported anyone's chosen path publically, but inside I would be worried for them... about what would happen to them when they ended their "diet" and went back to real food. I assumed the same thing would happen to them, that happened to ME. 

But my premise had a flaw. I was assuming that anyone who was losing weight on a "diet" had that same Diet Mentality that I used to have. Ooops.

I've finally had my eyes opened, I think. I've been reading many different blogs, and can see a few who are different. Oh sure, there are some who are still hunting for that "easier, softer way" as they say in OA and AA. Who still hope for a magic quick fix, and all that.

But I was watching carefully as people like Anne at Carb Tripper experimented with Liquid Protein drinks. And others, like Margene and her Hub,  who have successfully lost about 250 lbs together, using Medifast. And she is at GOAL NOW!! Margene has a whole terrific website, with photos showing healthy ways to put together nutritious Lean n Green meals. She is obviously planning on eating healthy for life! (Really, if you want ideas for simple healthy meals, check it out here).

But the icing on the cake (sorry for that!) was when I read an old post by Lyn at Escape from Obesity. It was titled: For the Rest of Your Life: Diet, or Lifestyle?

What a zinger! It was the final nail in the coffin of my know-it-all opinion on the subject!! 

No, I haven't rushed out to buy Medifast (I don't do soy, it messes with my thyroid function). But I'm rethinking my position. What Lyn, Anne and Margene said made a lot of sense. Sometimes we need a tool, a method, to shake things up, and get going. So... I've just been trying to be more open minded  about this topic, and been a-thinking...

This was a hard month for me, for sure. My Dad died on March 7th. I didn't do bingeing like in days of old. But I didn't try very hard, either. I was "comfortable" with portions. Which for me means too much too often. Hence this mornings weigh-in: 344. Up 7 pounds from last month. Siiighhhh. Bloggers who enjoy slicing and dicing those who struggle will have fun with that one. *shrug*

But... I am trying. This past Monday morning I was 347. That was so discouraging, it helped me face reality. We will always have "life" to deal with. I've let it become an excuse, and that needs to stop.

So... onward with the Great Spring SlimDown to Summer. I will never quit. I may have to adjust... rethink... or try a better approach, but I'll never quit. 

From Dr Phil's book: "Change your thinking to change your weight."

My verse for today: "I will praise your name, O Lord, for it is good. For He has delivered me from all my troubles."

My quote for today: "Looking back you realize that a very special person passed briefly through your life--and it was you. It is not too late to find that person again." --R. Brault

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 595

MAR 29th A Different Kind of Toon Tuesday

Hi Journal & Friends,

First, thank you, everyone, for such kind and supportive comments yesterday. It was very very nice. Even though grief is something we must do ourselves... it's comforting to know people understand.

I did something for Toon Tuesday that is more symbolic to me, than anything else. This is a photo of me and Dad, from 1954. I was 3 years old, and Dad was 32.

Design: a complicated design, for a complicated relationship. 

After my parents divorce when I was 10, my relationship with Daddy got complicated. Also, the busy design was like Dad... energetic and always busy living a full life. 

Sunrise: symbols our renewed relationship, when I turned 25. I met Jesus for myself, and learned about love, forgiveness, understanding, and appreciating Dad for who he WAS. As an adult myself with my own flaws, I could finally understand and accept that my Dad was human, and did the best he knew how, and loved us.

Flowers: for the high points, the good memories

Hearts: obviously for the Love

Spiral design and woven lines: Daddy is forever woven into the fabric of my life; never ending

Sharp points: the rough times in our relationship; yet there are dots over those points; love and forgiveness softening the sharp points, protecting

Sepia tone colors: the original photo was black and white, here:

With time and love, our memories are softened, choosing the good times to treasure; the harshness of black and white softens into a sepia glow.

Stars: Dad was a great example of one of my favorite quotes: "Shoot for the moon, and even if you miss at least you'll land among the stars." It took him until his seventies, but he finally made it to his "moon"... and was appointed a Judge.

Loretta

Daughter of Frank Ray Brown

1921 - 2011

DAY 592

MAR 28th Just Sad

Hi,

If you want to read a chirpy, happy post, please feel free to skip this one.

I'm feeling very sad. My Dad's funeral is on April 1st, and due to the physical consequences of carrying around all this extra weight for so long, I can't go. And it hurts. 

How ironic that the funeral is on April Fools Day. I feel like such a fool. I did this to myself, by all my foolish choices over the years. I looked back over my calendar... and I've wasted so many months, bouncing around basically the same weight since last summer.

One thing I have learned... or AM learning, is that feelings are transient. And even though right now it hurts very much... it will pass. It's like passing through a tunnel... eventually I will come out the other side.

I just don't want to eat over it. I've done that all my life... and look where it got me. Here, crying because I can't attend Daddy's funeral. So... for Daddy, I'll just feel it... and cry... and not eat over it. 

Right now, that does nothing for me, attitude-wise. But I know eventually I'll be glad I did it that way. Eventually.

Loretta

Daughter of Frank Ray Brown

1921 - 2011

DAY 591