Hi to Journal, Friends & Soon-To-Be-Ex-Followers,
For all of you who tend to be opinionated-- like me -- dontcha just love having a blog where you can spout off... and it's okay, cuz it's YOUR blog??!! ;-)
Okay... I had this all written up about 4 hours ago. But didn't post it because I just KNEW it was written out of exasperation! So... I tried to tone it down without losing the meaning. We shall see if I succeeded. :-}
When I was "younger" I had a big mouth. My Mother called it a sharp tongue. It's taken me a looonng time to dull that point a teensy bit... and I still forget at times. But at least NOW I am aware how much our careless words can cut someone, and I don't forget as often.
Recently I read a blog that I could relate to. As you regulars readers know, my Dad died on March 7th of this year. I wasn't able to attend the funeral, so at the appointed time I lit a candle and held my own "ceremony".
The little ceramic cat-shaped planter on the left as
you look at the candle was given to my parents when
I was born, and represents me. The hour-glass on
the right is out of sand, and represents my Dad.
Like I've mentioned before, I've been struggling with my feelings, and trying not to use food as a source of comfort. While I haven't had any binges like the old days... I've still overeaten at times. I can only imagine my reaction if someone had jumped down my throat and decided it was their job, unbidden, to "call me out" and chew tail, because I hadn't handled it perfectly.
Well, in my blog visiting, I recently read where Blogger #1 (I shall respect their privacy, okay?) posted about the recent death of a dearly loved relative. Someone they were so close to, and they were dealing with the pain of this loss. They were processing their feelings, being honest and vulnerable about the struggle... and one of the ways was through blog writing, and their particular craft.
I, and others, left comments of support... just trying to touch, heart to heart. I know grieving is a personal thing. Back in 2004 when my Mother died, I was so devastated. We had been so close, and there are days even now I dearly miss her and it gets to me.
One of the kindest things the Hospice nurses did was to let me talk to them, and they taught me about grieving. That it is a very personal and unique thing for each person. NO ONE has any business telling another how to grieve, or when, or how to process it. They made a huge difference in my life, and I am so grateful for them. They encouraged me to do it MY way, whatever was right for me.
Grieving is a dark tunnel for one. We go in alone, we come out the other side alone. Others extend love and comfort and support. But the processing, the "grieving", is a solo experience. Well, you and your God. But you know what I mean, right?
Back to Blogger #1.
So... Blogger #2 comes along and leaves a comment telling Blogger #1 that they are feeling sorry for theirself, and proceeds to "kick butt"... offering what they perceive, I am sure, as "tough love."
Remember, this is to someone who has newly lost someone nearest and dearest to them!
Let me repeat myself: NO ONE has any business telling another how to grieve.
How to handle it... how long to feel it... what kinds of rituals or remembrances to have... how to process their feelings. Yes, share from your own experiences, perhaps what helped YOU. That would be kind and compassionate.
But KICKING BUTT????? I was appalled and angry.
If anyone reading this is of the "tough love" camp... please feel free to "unfollow" me. I will not be offended. It's easy to offer tough love, to throw out a quick sharp comment, then move on to the next blog, feeling smug and pleased with yourself. After all... YOU get it and They don't... and you just "helped" them get it. Uh huh... just keep telling yourself that.
It's harder and takes MORE strength to offer kindness, patience, understanding, and to feel pain with another. To just BE there. To wish you could do more, but to accept that this is their own journey, and all you can do is offer support. The reason I say that is harder and takes more strength, is because you don't go away "feeling" better about yourself like you do when you leave a TOUGH LOVE comment... all smug and feeling like you really did something to be proud about... that you "helped" someone by kicking their butt.
If you are asked to fill that role, fine.
If you are given permission to blast someone, fine.
If someone wants that kind of feedback from you for accountability, fine.
Otherwise: STUFF A SOCK IN IT!!!!!!
This applies to how others handle their grief...
This applies to what kind of "diet" people follow to achieve their weight loss...
This applies to the kind of exercise (or not) that people choose...
We are here to support each other... and sometimes that comes in the form of acceptance, because not everyone will do it "my" way. So... try to be kind. You can tell the truth... but be kind.
"Speak yer mind... but ride a fast horse." --Cowboy proverb
From Dr Phil's book: "Be kind when you can, but firm when you must. You alone are responsible for what you put in your mouth, and what you do to get in shape."
My verse for today: "...clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience."
My quote for today: "Just because an animal is large, it doesn't mean he doesn't want kindness; however big Tigger seems to be, remember that he wants as much kindness as Roo." --Winnie the Pooh
Enjoy the Journey,