Jan 12rd.... Not Dead Yet - Every Day is a Gift.

If you ever want to be humbled a bit, just go back and re-read something you wrote years ago. When things were a little easier. When you were still losing weight, albeit slowly.

Photo credit HERE

I did that today. Ugh. What I read was true, and I still agree with it. But... it felt shallow. Like written by a sincere newbie. Oh...... oops. That's what I was. :-}

So, I'll cut myself some slack, and just learn from true parts. It's HERE in case anyone has some time on their hands.

It's called "What's Wrong with Hard?". Good article. Except if you ask me today, after almost 2 years of one serious medical thing after another, and being totally exhausted over it all, I'd say:

Enough already!! I'm ready for a break!! I've had enough of Hard. Give me some Easy for a change!!

I read this line and found myself irritated: "I think that when something is hard, we have to perceive that WE ARE STRONG ENOUGH TO MEET THE CHALLENGE."

And I've felt so worn down, I realized when I read that sentence, that I was NOT thinking of myself that way.  I was NOT being thankful and appreciative. I was NOT leaning on the Lord for strength and patience and endurance.

I was just NOT... you name it, I was not.

I have another birthday looming on the horizon. For my birthday, I am going to do an internal inventory. And change those attitudes that need changing.

Every Day is a Gift. 

Photo credit HERE

With gratitude I still have another chance at this journey,

Retta

PS: around here in Southern Oregon are several farms that raise alpacas. So we are trying to find one with winter hours where we can see these adorable critters in person.

June 18th Finally Feeling a Little Hope

Don't have a lot to say. Still struggling with the medication side effects.

It's finally warm here in Oregon, and I've been able to do pool exercises almost every day in my little backyard therapy pool. Just that change alone has been very encouraging. Our trees are in bloom and the bees, bumblebees and butterflies are fun to watch while I exercise.

Was cleaning out some old files, and found this prayer from a 17th century Nun. It really tickled me, so I thought I'd pass it on, in the off chance that I'm not the only one that can relate to it. ;-)

Lord, Thou knowest better than I know myself, that I am growing older 

and will someday be old. Keep me from the fatal habit of thinking I must

say something on every subject and every occasion. 

Release me from craving to straighten out everybody's affairs. 
Make me thoughtful but not moody; helpful but not bossy. 
With my vast store of wisdom, it seems a pity not to use it all, 
but Thou knowest Lord that I want a few friends at the end. 

Keep my mind free from the recital of endless details; 
give me wings to get to the point. Seal my lips from aches and pains. 
They are increasing, and love of rehearsing them is becoming sweeter 
as the years go by. I dare not ask for grace enough to enjoy the tales 
of others' pains, but help me to endure them with patience.

I dare not ask for improved memory, but for a growing humility and a 
sureness when my memory seems to clash with the memories of others. 
Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally I may be mistaken.

Keep me reasonably sweet; I do not want to be a saint - 
some of them are so hard to live with - but a sour old person 
is one of the crowning works of the devil.

Give me the ability to see good things in unexpected places, 
and talents in unexpected people. 
And give me, O Lord, the grace to tell them so. 
Amen.

Still on the journey,

Retta

Mar 22nd...One In A Million, Again!

Sometimes I think I need to go back and re-read my own posts! Like... a sentence from this post: 

In our own lives, this means "choosing to live your life intentionally and acting with purpose rather than mindlessly falling victim to whatever comes your way."

I just realized this morning that I have been doing exactly what that line says  NOT to do. Sheesh. It feels as though every time I get some traction going in this weight loss/health thing, along comes something to kick me to the curb.

How does that sound to my own ears?? Whine whine whine, excuse excuse excuse, victim victim victim.

Yet, sometimes we don't hear ourselves! A little while ago I was on the phone talking to my sweet, empathic Sister. She said something that really stopped me, and helped me very much. She said it sounded like I was allowing excuses to stop me from making progress. Ouch! But she was right. I just hadn't been listening to what I was saying. I really appreciated that truthful reminder said in love.

So, I'm going back to basics... again. And what was the first line that I read???!! This sentence from Dr Marty Lerners free booklet:

"I would encourage anyone with an eating disorder, 

or any addiction for that matter, to measure progress 

in terms of how one is doing rather than how one 

may be feeling at a given time."

Wow, how could I have forgotten that?!

Doing? Lousy. Inconsistent. Poor choices.

Feeling? Frustrated. Discouraged. Angry.

Why? I looked at circumstances, and fell victim "to whatever comes your way", as it said above.

My title for this blog post came from something a doctor told me years ago right before a medical procedure. "Oh, it's safe. It's one in a million that anything ever goes wrong."

Uh huh. That day I was that one in a million.

Back to present day. Went in for what was to be my LAST dental surgery. I was so excited to be at the end of a long process. And so what happened??

Again, I was that one in a million. Aaarrrgghhh!

They sliced open the upper gum and peeled it back to work on my brand new shiny implants, to get ready for my permanent dentures. Part of the work involved placing a tiny "torque test" tool inside the implant, to test how strongly it was bonded to the bone. I've had this little test done many times before. No biggee.

Except, this time it was a biggee. The tiny tool broke off INSIDE my implant!!!! It felt like they were pick-axing to China as they desperately tried to get it out. No go... wouldn't budge.

So they sewed me back up with the broken part still inside me!! That was last week. No teeth, no dentures, no chewing. Waiting for the manufacturer to send a special "retrieval" tool, and then I get to go back and repeat the whole surgery all over again.

I'm not mad at the dental surgeon at all. He's very skilled, and has been great these last couple of years. And he's refusing to even charge me for this go around (and he told me that BEFORE the fiasco). 

It's just these thoughts of... "Come on, now what??!!!" And "I can't believe this happened to me!"

And so I pouted and ate and complained and allowed stinkin' thinkin' to make me discouraged. Funny thing is... I had forgotten that when I can't chew anything, and it's all mushy or liquid, I don't seem to ever feel satisfied. Never full. Never satiated. Always want MORE. So I ate more. Now I weigh more. Sigh....

My action plan?? Back to basics. No huge changes, other than my thinking. Just DOING what I should be doing.

SERF

S = spirituality

E = exercise

R = rest

F = food plan

Plain. Simple. Doable. I dunno... there is something comforting in a simple plan. So that's what I'm DOING now. 

And the cancer surgery?? Still waiting. It's actually taken, literally, months to get appointments with the various specialists I've been told to see. Ooh la la, they are so elite and elusive. 

In the meantime... I'm off to go SERFing. :-}

Still on the Journey,

Retta

Jan 11th... Learning to Love this Process

Today I read a fascinating article by writer James Clear. He told the story of a German philosophy professor who had moved to Japan in the 1920's to learn Kyudo, which is the Japanese martial art of archery. 

The German man, Eugen Herrigel, also eventually learned Zanshin: a state of relaxed alertness. 

"Zanshin is being constantly aware of your body, mind, and surroundings without stressing yourself. It is an effortless vigilance."

In our own lives, this means "choosing to live your life intentionally and acting with purpose rather than mindlessly falling victim to whatever comes your way."

I LOVED that I read this article this morning! I had just finished trying to hammer out a new, simplified daily schedule. I need more hours in the day! I have goals and dreams, yet need to fulfill the daily practical chores and commitments. And for health's sake, that must include time for Spirituality, Exercise, Rest and a healthy Food Plan.

Later in this article (which I hope you'll read in full HERE) James Clear writes: 

"The point is not to worry about hitting the target. The point is to fall in love with the boredom of doing the work  and embrace each piece of the process. The point is to take that moment of zanshin, that moment of complete awareness and focus, and carry it with you everywhere in life."

For me, I would re-word one part this way: To fall in love with the process. His sentence about that struck me hard. I absolutely LOVE the process of imagining, planning, researching and creating a new painting. Love it!

Yet, have I applied that to the PROCESS of getting healthy?? Uh, I don't think so. I'm pretty sure I usually have the final goal in mind! As in... lose this weight, get all health-i-fied, and get on with the rest of my life!

In fact I was just complaining this very morning to MyGuy that I needed to simplify. It's just getting too darn complicated! 

In addition to tracking calories, I was trying to keep up with grams of protein, carbs and fat; exercise; supplements; prescriptions; doctors appointments; support group meetings; and now per the doctors, the micrograms of Vitamin K in every bite, and to eat those same micrograms each day. Yeesh!! Tooooo much!

Ummmm.... I need to change my attitude.

I plan to re-read this article, and see how I can do that. How I can apply "effortless vigilance" - Zanshin -  to this process of gaining Health.

My book quote for today: "People don't fall off track because they do the wrong exercises at the gym. They fall off track because they stop going, just for a day or two, and then never go back. I've worked on this with thousands of patients, and it's the habit and routine of exercise that leads to success." --Younger Next Year for Women, by Crowley & Lodge

My verse for today: "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!" from Isaiah 43

Enjoy the journey... which I finally realize means to fall in love with the process!!!!

Retta

=^..^=

Nov 10th Surgery All Over.... NOT!!!

Hi guys. I’m alive and kicking. But struggling to have a good attitude. It has been a grueling 3 days, and an emotional roller coaster. Honestly, I just want to cry.

My surgery was canceled. I am home now. I was ON THE OPERATING TABLE, they were getting to put me under. I was all set to either wake up to see the face of Jesus, or wake up to see my Sweetie’s face. Either way would have been a good thing.

Then, I went into AFib. That is a heart on overdrive, like a runaway train. It hit 170 before they got meds into me; brought down to the 130’s, then 120’s, but wouldn’t go lower.

They did an ekg, tried sedatives, etc etc. Wouldn’t budge for hours. Obviously, the operation was canceled. I was sent home to take meds and “get better”. Come back when it’s “safer”.

Well gee… it’s not like this is elective cosmetic surgery!! It's for cancer. Which is progressive!!

I’ve been all over the map emotionally; mostly down. I thought this “diet” was over. I thought the surgery would be over. I thought the pressure to perform, weight wise, was over. 

I was so confused, frustrated, angry and depressed. The anger, which I had to face that I had, was because of all the mistakes that were made. Like… my records from THREE different docs down here were never faxed up north, and it took hours to find them. The cardiologist who saw me after the event never bothered to look at my medical records, and prescribed a med for me that would have been harmful to me. Duh! I had to catch it myself, and call my regular provider once I was home to get it changed.

I won’t bore you with the rest of the screw ups. Suffice to say, this "good little girl" actually does NOT feel bad for having anger over the mess ups. That is one positive. 

But the bottomline… I feel exhausted. Emotionally, physically, even spiritually. I need me some serious Recovery time. As in extended vacation time. From life. From stress. From disappointments. 

I called my Pastor this evening, and since he himself went thru cancer surgery last year, he understood the situation. Basically, he said I may never know WHY my surgery was “interupped” at the last minute. But I am to focus on the positives. And that is this: if the AFib had hit DURING surgery, the doctors had said I would either be dead, or had a stroke or heart attack. 

Period. 

This is real life. This is how it is. At one point, I even felt like saying "Oh screw it", and just eat and eat and eat and eat....

As I looked at the vending machine full of candy at the hospital (!!) I said to my hubby "Oh, I'd give anything for some M&M's!!

And he asked: "Even your life?"

Riiiggghhhtttt. I quickly moved myself far away from said vending machine.

So... the journey to wellness continues. Life goes on. And I want to regain an attitude of gratitude. Not there yet... but it's getting closer.

Life is precious. Life is short. Love one another.

Retta

Mentally Tuff Stuff

Read a wonderful article called "8 Things All Mentally Strong People Do", from Tommy Newberry.  The complete article is HERE.

Sometimes I "know" something is true intellectually, yet don't "feel" it is true. My emotions haven't caught up with what I say I believe. Maybe because I don't believe it deep in my heart? I still have doubts? 

When push comes to shove, we always act on the stuff we truly believe, not what we "say" we believe. In other words, our actions will usually "out" us as to what we really believe, deep down inside (I call it believing in my Heart; your terminology may vary).

Here is a great quote from the article:

"See yourself as a child of God. You are God’s special enterprise! Work to recognize that fact emotionally—not just intellectually. If you keep thinking of yourself the way you used to be, that is exactly what you will continue to be." 

--Tommy Newberry

The article is written from a faith-based point of view, namely Christian. Yet even if you have a different belief system, the values are still extremely healthy and useful.

I've been reading different thoughts about so-called mental toughness for years. Probably because I see that it's something I need more of! Hope this helps someone else, too.

Still on the journey,

Retta

Nov 8th Crawling Forward

My last post had this quote from Dean Karnazes:

"Run when you can, 

walk if you have to,

 crawl if you must, 

just never give up."

Since that post I've been so sick and so discouraged, that I seriously considered "What the heck?! Why try... just accept that this is the way it is, and get on with the rest of your life."

Well, I'm finally NOT sick, and a couple of days ago I read something by Tommy Newberry that jerked me up short and made me realize that I had a serious case of Stinkin Thinkin.

Tommy Newberry is doing a 40 day "joy challenge", and I've been reading some of his posts on Facebook (link HERE). And yep, if my thoughts these last few months were to be given a grade, I'd most assuredly deserve an F!!

Here are some of the things he wrote that I found so encouraging, and helped me face my need to change my thoughts:

-The words you use today will create the world you'll experience tomorrow.

-Life will always have shortcomings but when you focus on your blessings life will feel abundant.

-In order to live a joy-filled life start thinking about what you want, not what you don't want.

-There is no need to cling to thoughts that haven't produced joyful fruit in your life.

There were many more, but that last one really stopped me in my tracks. 

See, the reason I've been so sick is because the medical specialist I saw back in August did an office procedure on my foot, and he was not careful enough, and cut me. Three days later I realized I had a raging systemic infection! I am just now finally about 98% over it. I've been indulging in anger, resentment, pouting, and fussing over the "unfairness" of it. And where did that take me?? Nowhere except to Miserableville.

So... I'm over it. He was not careful, true. But he didn't do it on purpose. It was a mistake. And by me holding onto resentment is just making me worse.

I'm now trying to remind myself of this verse:

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."  

I've been thinking a LOT about that first phrase, where it says to BE. Be joyful. If I can BE something, I must have some kind of choice in the matter. It kind of goes along with what Tommy Newberry has been saying in his 40 Day Joy Challenge.

I like what Tommy says here: "Joy is an outward sign of inward faith in the promises of God."

Well, methinks focusing on all these kinds of thoughts will make me a lot happier and peaceful than my grumping continually about "what that doctor did to me." 

"Each moment is a fresh start." --Tommy Newberry

  

Choosing joy,

Loretta

=^..^=

Loretta

=^..^=

AUG 23rd Enough is Enough!

Today, I write what I know. Not what I've read. Not what I've heard others say. But what I KNOW.

Here's what I know:

I know there are times I am too hard on myself.

I know there are other times I am too easy on myself.

And I know I vacillate all along that spectrum, from too easy to too hard, depending on what outcome I want to get. Yep... I manipulate the system! I tend to think that's kinda normal for most of us, actually.

But I'll speak for myself. It's time I stopped being too easy on myself. I mean, poor me, it's been so hard. A painful surgery, where the novocaine and versed wouldn't take. They finally dumped in valium to the mix just to get me out. Fine with me, I was tired of the pain. I was supposed to be "out" and yet I'm hearing them and feeling it... aarrgghh!

When I woke up, I had no more teeth and 2 new implant posts. The first week was torture. I'm okay now, physically.

But I was surprised at how devastating it was to look into a mirror. "But that's not me!!" It will be months before all is finished, and my new "teeth" are finished. My dentist and surgeon said my case was "complicated", and wanted me to heal awhile before impressions and dentures were made. Sigh... okay, whatever.

Ha ha, little did I know. This has ripped at the heart of who I thought I was. Inside, I don't feel like I look. Jim has been so kind. He took off work for a week to help out, and has been emotionally supportive. Even when I bit his head off! Poor guy...

I finally realized why I was feeling so resentful and frustrated. It had to do with food. Naturally.  I eat low carb. I LIKE the way I eat. It's nutritious and delicious, and has allowed me, for the first time in my life, to keep off (with some bumps along the way) the weight I lose.  And now, even that diet is out the window. It's got to be all liquid/soft/melt in your mouth stuff. And this is it for quite awhile. Oh sure, liquids can be low carb. I'm talking steak, or a hamburger, or crunchy veggies... all the good stuff is out.

I'm working hard to get in adequate nutrition, but it's hard to keep it balanced. And I resented it!!! 

I pouted. 

I cried. 

I felt sorry for myself.

I indulged.

I was too easy on myself. "Oh poor me" was my excuse.  Between the hunger, the pain and the self-pity, I was a mess!  

So I endulged. If you could blend it up, I did. Oh, not sugar, I've learned my lesson there. But too much "on plan" food is still gonna get you fat!! Oh the games we play in our heads.

Time to require more of myself. Time to go forward. Time to keep going.

Recently I read again that quote from Winston Churchill:

"If you're going through hell, 

keep going."

I'm going. I'm going.

I'm off the heavy duty painkillers. I'm playing again with my art. I'm making future plans. I even, once in a while, think of someone else besides myself. (ha ha, you think I'm joking...)

Whether you are on the Up side or the Down side of life.... keep going. 

Just keep going.

Feeling thankful,

Loretta

JULY 1ST Flashbacks & Facebook Attacks

Sitting here shaking my head at myself. Not with disgust, but more with a sort of compassionate amusement. Hope that makes sense. I'm a lot more kinder to myself these days than I used to be. People around me should be glad... cuz I also tend to be kinder towards THEM now, too. :-)

Anyway, it all started with a comment I read yesterday in a Facebook group I belong to (won't say which one). A new guy pulled out his "MD" credentials, and proceeded to say snarky mean stuff about someone I highly respect in the low carb world. 

He made his harsh judgment based SOLELY on a photo of said person. A photo!! He proceeded to defend his expert ability to make such evaluations based upon scant evidence because he was a medical doctor. Say what??!!

I admit it... I fumed. I fussed. I talked to my computer. MyGuy said he was a troll, and don't give him the attention he wanted and he would go away. 

I waited. 

But the next day, the conversation was still on, and I gave in and joined it. Here's what I wrote, minus the names involved:

"Have to admit I was really pissed off at [******'s] arrogant and harsh judgmental comment re [*****]. And THEN to justify it by claiming to be an expert at analysis with little information??? I wanted to box his ears in defense of [*****].

I am sooo tired of that kind of attitude. I started out at a higher weight myself. Years later, and doing LCHF, I've LOST 159 lbs, with more to go. But if someone like [******], who claims to be an MD, looked at my photo, I would still get the same harsh judgement, based soley on looks, as [*****] did!! He would still call me "substantially overweight, poorly muscled... with metabolic dysfunction." Well, DUH??!! 

One who started out very large WILL have more challenges. Come on, applaud [*****] for being physically active, continuing to learn and experiment at what could work for him, and for generously sharing his info with us. [*****] is a class act. [******].... not so much. Ban him? Not my call. I'd say let [*****] decide!"

(A little weird with names blanked out, but that's out of respect for privacy)

I could have said a lot more, but it's Facebook, ya know? Short and sweet. I was still thinking of the whole attack earlier today, as I was thumbing through an old journal I used to keep. And guess what I read, from 1996.

That's 18 years ago.

I had been making a "must do" list that I felt I had to learn to do in order to be successful at this weight loss thing. Further down on the page I wrote:

1) Decide you are willing to do whatever is necessary to change your life, no matter what, no excuses.

 2) Decide how hard you are willing to work, which will determine how long it will take you to reach your goal.

Blush.... did I mention that was 18 years ago?

I'm still here, plugging away. I know I believed that when I wrote it. But I didn't have a clue HOW to do it. How to implement those great ideas. Obviously "just do it" didn't work for me. So, here I am, still learning. Still working on it. 

I don't think I realized how deep I'd have to go, how deep I needed to change. Or maybe how hard it was going to be to change from the INSIDE out. Oh, I'd lost weight before, and regained it back and then some. But I knew I wanted true and permanent change this time.

The above "MD" guy on Facebook who slammed my low carb friend doesn't have a clue how hard it can be for an exceptionally large person. I mean, you don't get REALLY large without having really large inner problems that need addressing. 

WAIT, let me say that differently. Because it's not about the numbers. I've learned that ANYONE who finds it a real struggle to change must have really large inner problems. And that can take time. Sometimes lots of time. 

Falling down on our face and getting up Time.

Getting discouraged and having to gather up our courage to try again Time.

Making mistakes until we find the right way for US Time.

Learning to treat ourselves with respect, love and kindness Time.

Just... lots of Time.

So please, be patient with yourself and never give up.

Is it awful of me to be glad that others in that Facebook group came out swinging in defense of their low carb buddy at the unfair judgment?? (I don't think so... )

Never quit,

Loretta

JULY 30th Self-Pity is a Dangerous Thing!

It's a fact of life that some people insist on pointing out the flaws in others. Oh, they think they are helping, and are so sure about their insights. But the vibe can be one of judgement... a critical spirit. 

Then there are those who, while recognizing realities, still choose to UPlift others. To believe the best, to offer encouragement. They don't coddle, they don't enable. But they offer the one who struggles the sense that someone actually believes in them.

That's a powerful thing.

When we find hope and belief slipping through our fingers like sand... to have someone come along side and see potential in us is... well, it reaches down and grabs us, and pulls us back up. We stand again, shake it off, and go on. 

We stop indulging in self-pity, we stop playing the martyr, we stop acting like a victim.

We... as in... ME.

This is on my mind because I WAS indulging in self-pity today. The fires here in Oregon have gone crazy, the air is full of particulates, and breathing outside is hard for me. For a couple of days now I haven't been able to go outside and do my pool exercises. Boo hoo, poor me. :-}

So I was cleaning out old computer files, deleting stuff, and came across something that stopped me in my tracks. And it changed my whole attitude.

It was written for me in 2010 by my sister, Karen. She hadn't started her writer's blog yet , so she had left this in the comments on my blog:

Dear Sister:

I've seen you when you cried,

And when you tried to hide;

You'd always say you failed,

When the desired boat had sailed.

But that was yester-year,

After you shed many a tear;

A swan song now you sing,

Grasping on to everything!

You will not be put down,

Nor will you cast the frown,

You push away the strife,

And plunge straight into life!

For this you will prevail,

Though some might see a snail,

But the tortoise beat the hare-

On the race that was a dare!

Wow.... it felt like it was written for me NOW. Here. Today.

Thanks, Sis. I needed that.

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

JULY 14th Where's That Delete Button?!!

If I went with how I'm feeling right about now, I'd delete about 85% of my past posts!!! 

WHY??

Because of pride. 

I wrote what I was thinking about at the time, but after just reading a fantastic post  by Marion at Affection for Fitness, I think I'd be embarrassed to go back and re-read them now. In fact, I just noticed one of my tags says "victim mentality". Aargh... I am NOT going to go back and re-read them!

It all started with a comment Marion wrote on another of her posts. I asked her about it, since I didn't really understand her thinking. 

That comment was: 

"Overeating is a clear sign 

of acting victimized."

OUCH.

Which, of course, made my pride bristle, since I never thought of myself as a victim! But I really DO want to be teachable, so asked her to explain. And Marion, being the caring person she is, DID!

I'm not going to recap her whole post here. It was just too good, and would not do it justice. But I will give you the main topics: 

• What is a victim?
• Do you think you are a victim?
• Are you BEHAVING like a victim, even when you don't THINK you are one?
• The negatives to living with a victim mentality
• How NOT to think like a victim
• The ultimate benefits of ditching the victim mentality

ha... even my bullet points kinda fall short.

Really, truly, honestly... if you are at all still struggling to get this weight thing totally figured out, please consider budgeting the time to go and read Marions post. I most definitely think it could be a huge piece of the puzzle for many of us. 

There is gold there!!

Loretta

JUNE 28th Compassion & Respect

I'm about to share one of the many MANY events that occurred in my life caused by me being Fat. 

Wait... no. 

Caused by the REACTION of others to me being Fat. It's a personal story, that I haven't told often. You'll soon know why. (If you are offended by a little too much information, please skip this post.)

And I have a reason for sharing... it has to do with a TED Talk I watched yesterday, given by a young doctor named Peter Attia. Here's the link  to the 16 minute video, but I know most are too busy to watch. So in a nutshell, here is my synopsis of it:

Dr Attia is a surgeon. Young, strong, healthy. Called to the ER to check on a diabetic woman who had an infected foot, to decide if she needed an amputation or not. He gave her quality medical care, but now admits that back then he judged her harshly for "being Fat", and basically bringing this on herself. 

Fastforward a few years.This strong, exercising, Food-Pyramid "healthy" eater started gaining weight and discovered he was Insulin Resistant. He finally started questioning everything he had been taught about Diabetes, and realized his lack of compassion and empathy for that diabetic woman and indeed, all those "fat people that just didn't care enough to take care of themselves better" (paraphrasing him).

The end of the TED talk touched my heart. He looked into the camera and said if that woman was somehow watching, would she please forgive him for his attitude towards her. For while he did his best as a physician, he had failed her as one human being to another.

This TED talk triggered a flood of memories for me. I've had my share of run-ins with doctors and so-called Experts over the years. I've tried all my life to get a handle on this weight thing. I've done what They prescribed, yet gained weight. I've gone to "counselors" who, as it turned out, were more messed up than I was. I've paid thousands of dollars over the years, trying this and that... I'm sure many can relate to that.

The event with a doctor that hurt me so badly happened when I was about 22 years old. I was trying to be responsible, so went down to the Free Clinic (I was low income) to get some birth control pills. They wouldn't prescribe them without an exam. You ladies know which exam... THAT one. For you gentlemen... it's where you strip buck nekkid, put on a flimsy paper gown open in the back, lay on your back on the exam table, put your feet up into stirrups, and open your knees apart to expose yourself to a total stranger. Yes.... THAT exam.

Bad enough for most of us, on any given day. But when one is already ashamed of their body, it's beyond humiliating. Got the picture so far??

The nurse had me all set up, then in comes a young male doctor, in a hurry, businesslike. The first time I meet him is in this exposed position. He says little, and starts. As he struggled to get the instrument inside me, he mutters loudly "you're just too damn fat"... and...  "are you sure it even goes in??" referring to my partners anatomy.

I lay there in stunned silence. On the outside, I just froze. On the inside, I was dying of humilation. He left, I got dressed. I left. As I drove home the dam finally burst, and I sobbed all the way home. I couldn't stop. When I got home my partner was alarmed and finally got out of me what had happened. It took all the persuasion I had over him to stop him from going down to the clinic and beating the s*%t out of that man, or worse. And yes, back in those days, that definitely would have happened if I hadn't been able to stop him.

My point?? Even if we think someone "brought this on themselves", they are human beings with feelings, hearts, hopes and dreams. No one wakes up each day thinking "oh boy, today I want to be hugely Fat and in pain, and have people treat me like crap and judge me". 

No... we all deserve to be treated with compassion and respect.

Maybe if I hadn't gone through a lifetime of my own struggles I would be one of those who looked down their nose on the "pathetically weak" people. I dunno. But what I do know is... EVERYONE deserves love, acceptance and forgiveness. Everyone can use some encouragement. Everyone has dreams and hopes and are worthy of our respect. Not for what they "do", but for the fact that they ARE. 

We tell ourselves we are "doing them a favor" by blasting others with what is "wrong" with them. Like a fat person doesn't KNOW they are fat?? Like that doctor was letting me in on some little secret as I lay there in that vulnerable position?? 

Well... everyone has a story. 

It sounds cliche, sure, but we ARE all fighting our own battles. I'm thinking if we tried to remember that, maybe we could muster up a little more compassion and respect for others on this sometimes rocky path we call Life... I'm sure those of us still on this journey to health would appreciate that. Well, for that matter, EVERYbody would. :-)

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

DEC 26th Improving Focus & The Hanging Neck

I loved this POST by Jules, in which she recalled her accomplishments from 2012. It made me realize I had started to focus too much on that fact that I was ending this year heavier than when I started.  

Yes, I needed to learn from it and make course corrections. But after I read her post, I started thinking about making my own "accomplishment list". In fact, I was toying with calling it "What I Learned In 2012". Just remembering some of it was encouraging! And that brought it home to me how much focus I had been putting on my disappointment in the weight loss... or lack thereof. 

My focus was aimed in the wrong direction! I want to focus, instead, on where I am going, and what I WANT, not on what I don't want... on my goals and dreams, and not get stuck in my mistakes. Also, on NOW... to LIVE in the present.

I had to remind myself that what I focus on GROWS! So I'd better take careful aim. I must admit, I'm feeling hugely  encouraged since I've been working on that consciously.

One of the comments on that post from Jules was from June, at The Path to Health.   I visited June's blog, and was set to giggling over the ending of THIS POST  of hers. It tickled my funny bone, because I knew just what she meant! 

She had posted a photo of herself... taken lying down! And made reference to a certain episode of The Golden Girls, and how that was the only position (laying down looking up into the camera) from which she wanted to take the photo, feeling old at the moment. 

Why could I relate?? Because just a few days ago I had to renew my drivers license. Yes... a new photo was required... aargh. It was... not what I had hoped!  (I was going to write ghastly, but that doesn't sound too positive, does it?!) :-D

The guy taking the photo kept saying "just relax". I thought I was relaxed. Later, as I was moaning about how awful it looked, MyGuy said: "He TOLD you to relax, and was trying to help, because you had your lips pursed!"

Well, THIS IS ME! Pursed lips, hanging neck and all! The alternative is to be under a tombstone, so I might as well "be thankful in all circumstances".

Instead of writing out my "accomplishment list for 2012" here today, I'd really rather include something I stumbled upon Christmas eve. I'd read it before, but maybe the timing is just right this time, and it struck a chord in me. 

The verses below were found written on the wall of a children's home in Calcutta, India, that Mother Teresa ran. Some say they seem to be adapted from something originally written by Kent M Keith in 1968. But Mother Teresa changed a few words and made it her own, especially her reference to God at the end.

I love Mother Teresa's version... so here it is in full. I want to keep this in mind going into this bright new year of 2013:

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. 

Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.

Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. 

Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.

Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten.

Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.

Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.

It was never between you and them anyway.

Enjoy the journey anyway,

Loretta

Post 2022

End o' the World, So Let It All Hang Out!!

Well, since the Mayans seemed to predict the end of the world tomorrow, or at the very least the beginning of some cataclysmic events... I thought I'd take this opportunity to let my opinion fly!!

About what??  I was thinking about sarcasm lately. It can be witty, clever and/or funny when aimed in a general direction. But...ever been in the receving end of it, aimed at you personally?? It can bite... it can sting, depending upon the source. 

It's called DISRESPECT. 

This is what the good ol' dictionary says... 

SARCASM:

the use of irony to mock or convey contempt...

derision

mockery

ridicule

scorn

sneering

scoffing

cynicism

Wow... talk about disrespect... Yowch!

And I've been thinking about it, asking myself what was it in me that responds to sarcasm so negatively. Someone with a different background might just say "eh", and shrug it off, not giving it much thought.

I, on the otherhand, was surprised, disappointed and hurt by my run-in with it. That was MY response. The other person didn't "do" that to me. They are responsible for offering the stick of dynamite, but I'm responsible for adding the match to the fuse. 

So I'm trying to learn from it. And as I thought about it, I remembered hearing sarcasm growing up. It seems to me that the "best" sarcasm, the snarkiest and wittiest, usually came from "smart" people. They had a knack with words, and unless held back by kindness, they knew how to let it fly. 

That's what I remember as a kid... some "smart" adults with the ability to make biting, witty, sarcastic remarks, aimed at individuals. Hey, I like a good joke as much as the next guy. Just not used to hurt individuals, ya know what I mean?? 

Wanna guarantee that the people in your life withdraw from you? That they avoid you? That they shut you out? Just be sure to treat them with sarcasm. Oh, and be sure to do it in anger; that's a winning combo, for sure. <yes, read: sarcasm>

Funny thing... I searched for the word "sarcasm" in the Bible. Not there! At least not in the many, many different translations I checked. The only one I found it in was a modern version that was written in everyday, casual language. Here's what I found:

"Be agreeable, be sympathetic, be loving, be compassionate, be humble. That goes for all of you, no exceptions. No retaliation. No sharp-tongued sarcasm. Instead, bless--that's your job, to bless..." (I Peter 3:8, emphasis mine)

Boy, that gets the point across. :-O

So all this thinkin' led to even more thinkin'... when I goof up on this whole weight loss/health journey thing, how often do I aim that same kind of sarcastic barb AT MYSELF??!! That jerked me up short, since the answer was too often. Ack! :-O

The antidote? 

Kindness. 

Let's all extend it not only to others, but to ourselves, as well!

I can require more from myself...

I can be willing to get comfortable with being uncomfortable...

I can remember their are no shortcuts to success...

I can start doing what I say I believe is necessary to succeed...

I can remember I'm fooling myself to think it will get better without DOING the right choices...

I can stop pampering myself, or feeling sorry for myself...

But through it all, up or down, succeeding or stumbling... I can do it with kindness. 

SO CUT OUT ANY SARCASTIC self-talk, Loretta!!

Yes, ma'am.

If the world doesn't end on the 21st, then a New Year is coming soon (can you believe that?!). Let's all listen closely not only how we talk to others, but how we talk to OURSELVES!

Even as we uplift, encourage and wildly wave our pom poms in the air for others, let's include ourselves in that support. 

As his children drifted off to sleep, every night Tommy Newberry, author of The 4:8 Principle,   whispered in their ears:

 "You are a beautiful, 

wonderful child of God."

I like that. :-)

Enjoy the Journey... said without sarcasm! :-D)))

Loretta

Day 2016

SEPT 14th Coming Full Circle

I recently spent a little time reading some of my own back posts.  It hit me two ways: both ENcouraging and DIScouraging. I get to choose which one to embrace!

See, I thought by now I would surely be at my goal. So when I read some of those older, positive, confident and upbeat posts, sometimes I cringe a little bit. Okay, a lot! I battle  thoughts that say:

 

See? You are all mouth, no action.

See? You thought you had some answers, and really don't. They are only pieces to the puzzle.

See? You are kidding yourself. It's too late, you'll never get there.

See? You are losing ground physically. The clock is ticking, and before you fix one problem, you get a new one.

So, I answer each of those attacks. Some days that's easier than others, to be honest.

Here is one example,  from my post about a year ago.  

It was about a meltdown I had, and how it was resolved thanks to some kind words from MyGuy. And the quote I used at the end once again hit me hard:

 "Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure, and separates the victim from reality.." --John W Gardner

Ouch! A whole year has passed, yet I feel no farther down the road than that post!

Photo by Jenny Kaczorowski

On to this one,  written around the same time. 

I talked about treating myself with respect; attitude; not settling; I am worth it... 

The post was hard enough to read, but then blamo! I get smacked with my own quote yet again! This one from Muhammed Ali, who knows a little something about struggle, overcoming, and victory:

"Champions aren't made in gyms. Champions are made from something they have deep inside them--a desire, a dream, a vision. They have to have last-minute stamina, they have to be a little faster, they have to have the skill and the will. But the will must be stronger than the skill." 

And there it is. In that last sentence. "The will must be stronger than the skill." 

And I come full circle back to my source of strength, to DO that will. To make those good choices. To choose to be encouraged, uplifted and keep going, no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT.

And here it is, the last quote from that page that reminded me of HOW to do the DOING part:

"I lift up my eyes to the hill-- where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth."

Photo by Melissa Bowersock

Today, I am encouraged. 

Today, I embrace gratitude.

Today, I decided not to bash myself for not being at my goal yet.

Today, I choose to embrace hope and determination.

And who knows... by the end of the day, I might even FEEL it! 

:-}

Enjoy the journey (it's better than the alternative!)

Loretta

Day 1118