APRIL 15TH CHANGE O DIRECTION IN MY LIFE

Buckle your seatbelts… change of direction coming.

From now on this blog Is just going to be about me today and where my last journey is taking me around A new corner. I can no longer type with both hands so I'm using a dictation app which is sort of goofy doesn't work weLL BUT BETTER THAN nothing please forgive typos and clunky formatting

If you would prefer ALL upbeat BETTER SCHOOCH ALONG there're a lot of others out there who are wonderful at that

But this is just my story :

I’m a left-handed artist who is now Learning to except complete loss of Left sidE. Yeah I'm still in the HEY THIS AINT FAIR PHASE. And my dear sister Karen SAID something to me the other day that really helped : she said it's okay to cry ITS OKAY TO CRY! And I said well that's good because I've been CRYING A LOT lately.

SO there you go the last gRAND adventure.

My heart is broken for so many people HURTING  around the world right now. PLEASE BE Aware now, THAT IF TALK OF GOD makeS YOU UN comfortable that's okay I understand BUT YOU ARE Still welcome here WITH open arms right now GOD is the only thing SOLID that I have to hold onTO.

GODs been so kind to me and Never rejected me but always been there for me NO MATTER HOW much I GOOF UP.

THIIS  is so hard on my sweetheart OF 43 years Jim. He is taking such good care of me AND DOES everything everything everyday LATE INTO MANY NITES. I am so blessed to Have been married to him all these years what a guy.

 A Couple of days ago HE WAS so tired, AND I said a prayer, God how can I love him betteR, he deserves better. And I was so surprised to instantly get a reply OH,I didn't hear a voice I'm not that crazy but I DID heAR an IDEA: I was reminded OF AN old hYMN CALLED Learning to lean…  the whole point OF THE IDEA IS TO LEARN TO  LEAN ON JESUS, NOT SO HARD ON MY JIM. IT MADE ME FEEL LIKE GOD WAS REALLY RIGHT THERE AS I SAID MY REQUEST , AND IT WAS SWEET THAT I GOT SUCH A FAST ANSWER 

Learning to lean

I'm learning to lean on Jesus

Finding more power than I've ever dreamed

I'm learning to lean on Jesus

Learning to lean

Learning to lean

I'm learning to lean on Jesus

Finding more power than I've ever dreamed

I'm learning to lean on Jesus

Sad, broken-hearted, at an alter I knelt

I found peace that was so serene

And all that He asks is a child like trust

And a heart that is learning to lean

Learning to lean

Learning to lean

I'm learning to lean on Jesus

Finding more power than I've ever dreamed

I'm learning to lean on Jesus

Learning to lean

Learning to lean

I'm learning to lean on Jesus

Finding more power than I've ever dreamed

I'm learning to lean on Jesus

Finding more power than I've ever dreamed

I'm learning to lean on Jesus

I'm learning to lean on Jesus

Songwriters: Jeannie Vee Clattenburg

PLEASE, LORD LET ALL THE SCARED AND HURTING PEOPLE ALL OVER THE WORLD KNOW THEY CAN LEAN INTO YOU, AND YOU WILL HOLD ALL O F US, ME TOO, AND FIND COMFORT AND HOPE.  

HUGS, 

RETTA

May 11th... Slower than Slow and Gratitude

It’s been going glacially slow for me these last months. Just when I get going, seemed like I hit another speed bump in the road. 

I feel like Tim Conway in this funny video. Everything is slow motion!!

38 seconds of Slo Mo Tim Conway

Still bouncing around 261. Still haven’t busted through to that fun goal of 200 lbs lost. Well, I suppose 199 lbs lost ain’t bad… ha ha, ya think?!

But it IS frustrating to be stuck again. Been hard lately.

• Had a sad, sad event. My big brother, Phil, passed away in February. I miss him so much. It catches me unawares at times, and hurts all over again.

• Had minor foot surgery. Ended my "get up and move more" plan.

• Had a bad fall that injured both shoulders. One is better, the other has a date with an xray soon.

• Had bad news for Joey. She was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. Needs insulin twice a day. She is so small, and to check her blood glucose from the tiny veins in  her itty bitty ears is very stressful… for her and for me. We almost lost her, she got so emaciated before we got it under control. She is slowly getting her mojo back, gently and carefully.

• Had a minor stroke a couple of weeks ago. Affected vision, hearing and speech. Vision and hearing back to normal. Speech better, just a stutter occasionally when trying to say words now. 

But... I am truly thankful it was minor. My brain has a date with an MRI soon. I, too, am slowly getting my mojo back. Gently and carefully, too.

Joey, our girl Mini Schnauzer, 

laying against Jim's pillow, her

favorite place

My goodness! This is the first time I’ve put all the "drama" together in one list like this. Holy cow, no wonder I’ve been crying at the drop of a hat. Sean Anderson wrote in his blog today: 

This pain intolerance or intense pursuit of feeling "normal" again reminds me of the pattern I've had with emotions, stress, and food my entire life. Not wanting to feel uncomfortable or flat out refusing to feel uncomfortable or feeling any feelings if those feelings create resistance to feeling "okay," makes sense to me.My deeply ingrained pattern involves avoiding all conflict and accompanying feelings. Avoiding natural feelings of life stunts emotional growth. Avoiding the feels doesn't make 'em go away, it just sets 'em on simmer, below the surface--constantly bubbling up in everything we do. Feeling feelings and working through them instead of around them, changes things dramatically because it encourages real solutions instead of band-aids.” (please go here for the complete post) 

I sure can relate to what Sean wrote. Totally. I’m not gaining weight over all this, but it makes for some rocky feelings to process.

I have a verse I am trying to memorize thanks to all this drama. 

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”   (Philippians 4:6,7)

I must admit, the hardest part for me is to avoid getting stuck in the problem, and to focus on that Thanksgiving part. But when I do… the Peace comes. And I so want more of that Peace. 

Joy Comes in the Morning

by Retta Stephenson

Continuing the Journey with a (most of the time) grateful heart,

Retta

Nov 10th Surgery All Over.... NOT!!!

Hi guys. I’m alive and kicking. But struggling to have a good attitude. It has been a grueling 3 days, and an emotional roller coaster. Honestly, I just want to cry.

My surgery was canceled. I am home now. I was ON THE OPERATING TABLE, they were getting to put me under. I was all set to either wake up to see the face of Jesus, or wake up to see my Sweetie’s face. Either way would have been a good thing.

Then, I went into AFib. That is a heart on overdrive, like a runaway train. It hit 170 before they got meds into me; brought down to the 130’s, then 120’s, but wouldn’t go lower.

They did an ekg, tried sedatives, etc etc. Wouldn’t budge for hours. Obviously, the operation was canceled. I was sent home to take meds and “get better”. Come back when it’s “safer”.

Well gee… it’s not like this is elective cosmetic surgery!! It's for cancer. Which is progressive!!

I’ve been all over the map emotionally; mostly down. I thought this “diet” was over. I thought the surgery would be over. I thought the pressure to perform, weight wise, was over. 

I was so confused, frustrated, angry and depressed. The anger, which I had to face that I had, was because of all the mistakes that were made. Like… my records from THREE different docs down here were never faxed up north, and it took hours to find them. The cardiologist who saw me after the event never bothered to look at my medical records, and prescribed a med for me that would have been harmful to me. Duh! I had to catch it myself, and call my regular provider once I was home to get it changed.

I won’t bore you with the rest of the screw ups. Suffice to say, this "good little girl" actually does NOT feel bad for having anger over the mess ups. That is one positive. 

But the bottomline… I feel exhausted. Emotionally, physically, even spiritually. I need me some serious Recovery time. As in extended vacation time. From life. From stress. From disappointments. 

I called my Pastor this evening, and since he himself went thru cancer surgery last year, he understood the situation. Basically, he said I may never know WHY my surgery was “interupped” at the last minute. But I am to focus on the positives. And that is this: if the AFib had hit DURING surgery, the doctors had said I would either be dead, or had a stroke or heart attack. 

Period. 

This is real life. This is how it is. At one point, I even felt like saying "Oh screw it", and just eat and eat and eat and eat....

As I looked at the vending machine full of candy at the hospital (!!) I said to my hubby "Oh, I'd give anything for some M&M's!!

And he asked: "Even your life?"

Riiiggghhhtttt. I quickly moved myself far away from said vending machine.

So... the journey to wellness continues. Life goes on. And I want to regain an attitude of gratitude. Not there yet... but it's getting closer.

Life is precious. Life is short. Love one another.

Retta

JULY 12th Still Here & Forgiving Myself

I wrote this post a few days ago, hesitated... then thought of discontinuing my blog because I was tired of blogging about weight. Seems like I've been talking about it all my my life. I've actually been posting more lately over at my art blog.  

But, this topic was different, and felt important. And whether I like it or not, I'm not done with this wt loss journey. 

However, this last Tuesday before I could get it posted, I had an emotional meltdown over an event that was costing us thousands, all because of me. Thousands we don't have. 

I was sobbing, angry, feeling so full of grief, regret and self-recrimination. I was feeling so horrible that my "fat" was once again impacting our lives negatively...and I asked my husband to forgive me for allowing this weight, this FAT, to poison our life together. 

It's a long story, and he was so loving and sweet. But the one thing he said that stood out above all else, that quieted my sobs, was that even if he had known what he was getting into all those years ago... he would've married me anyway. I can't begin to tell you what those words meant to my broken heart.

I finally realized that the problem was... 

*I* was not done forgiving myself.

 Here then, was the start 

ONLY THE START 

I see now, of that forgiveness 

that I wrote about a few days ago:

I've been reading a book titled 

The Healing Code, by Dr Alex Loyd.

Fascinating book, really. In a nutshell, it's purpose is to help people get to the root cause of their problems. And it puts forth the idea the root of our problems are issues of the heart. And some of these "wounds" happened a long time ago in our lives. We might think "well that's ancient history". But if it's not been truly healed then it's still there, causing stress on our systems and interfering with our bodies ability to function optimally and to keep us healthy, both mentally and physically (that's MY summary, not theirs).

The program is divided into 12 "categories". I've been going through them, one per day. It's a sort of prayer/meditation type of healing work, combined with energy medicine. Hard to explain without quoting the whole book.  :-)

Anyway, the category for last Friday was "unforgiveness". This includes any unforgiveness towards others, God or oneself. I thought since I had already gone through all the categories, it would be no biggee. 

First, I read the "truth statement" I had written for this category:

"In love, I forgive as God has forgiven me. I am learning to see as God sees. I choose to forgive and Let It Go, knowing God will work it out to the highest good of all involved." 

Next, I asked myself if there was anything about this overeating thing in regards to unforgiveness that still bothered me, and instantly the thought popped up: I wasted a lifetime messing around with this! 

It was so strong that I immediately started to cry. I was being honest with myself, and it opened a floodgate.

Then, I said the suggested prayer, closed my eyes and started the work of healing those memories and wrong beliefs (I won't try to describe that... it wouldn't really make sense unless you'd read the book, and I know it sounds weird enough as it is!). As I saw flashes of myself at different ages, it was as though a loving presence was with me, taking me along, giving me a different way of seeing.

And I remembered part of my Truth statement I had read right before I started: "learning to see as God sees".

I felt amazed and humbled, to think that this was the way He saw me.

Me: I saw failure; tried over and over yet never learned; misled, stumbling along, wasting this gift of life being distracted by this weight thing; affected all areas, nothing was untouched by it, all areas of my life--work, play, relationships, dreams, spiritual life, you name it.

God: He saw me with compassion, understanding, kindness, mercy, great patience. And the most shocking to me of all: approval.

Approval??!!

Me: I tried and failed over and over and over and over...

God: I tried and failed over and over and over and over... YET I WOULD GET UP, DUST OFF AND TRY ONCE AGAIN. He approved of my spirit, of not giving up, of mustering up the courage to risk the pain of another failure. He approves of that kind of heart!

That is stunning to me. I have never thought of it that way before.

It has nothing to do with being "obsessed" with dieting. I legitimately need to get the weight off. I need to find a way, not give up and just accept it.

The very fact that someone is trying is worthy of approval! And if we don't quit, if we are open to learn and grow and change... I believe we WILL get there.

I forgive myself for not getting there sooner. It's been a lifetime journey. I was a kid, just trying to cope with life the way I had been shown. It's all I knew to do  (as a result, I was put on my first diet at age 10). I carried that behavior on into adulthood, a deeply ingrained habit to use food for more than just nutrition. And yes, I was given wrong nutritional advice. And I paid the price for all that.  I'm still discovering pieces to the puzzle... answers.

I forgive myself. My whole life was affected along the way, but it was not done intentionally. I didn't know any other way. I tried everything I could think of throughout the years. I just kept trying...  

I want to see Myself, my life, the Younger Me, the way God sees me: with compassion, understanding and patience. And I am giving myself the nod of Approval for never quitting. You did the best you knew how, Kiddo. Now you know better and can DO better.

I let go of the disgust at all my past failures to lose weight. I let go of the impatience and frustration and harsh judgements, that it took me this long to change, to "get it". In it's place I offer myself approval and love.

I forgive myself.

As you can see from the opening of todays post, this is an ongoing process. I suspect there is still more work for me to do in this area. :-}

My book quote for today: "As relentlessly as you try, you cannot think one thing and experience something else." --Tommy Newberry, The 4:8 Principle

My verse for today: "I call on the Lord in my distress, and he answers me."

My quote for today: "Never give up, for that is the place and time that the tide will turn." --Harriet Beecher Stowe

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 1054

MAY 22nd But... I Was Doing So Well

I wrote this late Sunday night... and I've been debating if I should post it or not. Sometimes I envy those with "private" blogs. 

Then, this morning, I read my email. In there was a wonderful note from an internet friend that was so uplifting and encouraging, and I knew I had to be honest. This journey is not a success-only trip. For me, it's had it's share of stumbles, too.

I temporarily wandered off my yellow brick road... but I think I'm finding my way back now. Anyway... here goes:

But... I was doing so well. 


Famous last words, right?

Had a fascinating/painful experience... fascinating  because my Father was a police officer, then lawyer, then finally federal court judge.

Painful because my Other Half has been on vacation almost 2 weeks. The longer it went, the farther  behind I got in everything.

The pressure built.

It finally blew.  

Hurt feelings... disappointments... old wounds surfacing... old trigger buttons punched.

As I lay alone in bed sobbing my heart out to God, giving him my laundyry list of complaints, I felt met with understanding and compassion. Then, it was like a gentle voice said, "Yes, I agree with you, he DID do all those things. Yes, he WAS guilty of all you accuse him of... Now, argue for the defense."

??!

Like in a courtroom... and I had just argued the case for the prosecution, and now I was being asked by The Judge to argue for the defense.

This wasn't just some "reframing" psychobabble... it was a change of heart-view.

It was hard.

I didn't WANT to see it from any other point of view... I was the injured party here.

But I did... and though it was like pulling teeth at first, slowly I could see another side... and I could also see why it hurt me so bad.

I gave all the arguments for the defense I could think of, sort of reluctantly at first.

But at the end, the Closing Argument for the defense was: Yes, he falls short... but he's doing the best he knows how.

Um... Just. Like. Me.

Eating everything in the kitchen had not helped.

Crying my heart out had not helped.

But looking at him from another point of view... with a changed heart... with compassion and love, did help.

I no longer want to eat everything edible in Oregon, justifying it with "what's the point?"

I at least want to keep trying.

Love is a very powerful thing. A real thing... a permeating thing... a getting down to the root of stuff thing.

I'm healing.

I'm going on.

I refuse to give up.

Not exactly enjoying the journey right now... but getting better,

Loretta

Day 1009

APRIL 28th When All Else Fails...Take Yer Own Advice!

Hi Journal & Friends,

I've been soooo frustrated!! Joey is so adorable... so innocent... so fully of energy... SO TIME CONSUMING!! 

Jim has wanted a dog for 20 years... and Joey has been good for him, for several reasons. The least of which, she has been a tremendous stress-reliever for him. She ADORES her Jim, and her whole body wags, not just her tail, when he comes home from work. 

She is ecstatic with joy to see him! And no matter how his day went, and how painful his feet are, she never fails to get him laughing. And that brings a smile to MY face.

So... what's with the frustration?? Well... like I said HE has wanted a dog for so long. And I'm happy for him... he deserves this. 

But... since he is at work all day, it seems that by default, I am on Puppy Patrol for 10 hours a day, 5 days per week. I guess I just didn't realize what I was getting into. The little time I had carved out for myself and my art is GONE. My regular routines are shot... exercise, chores... heck, there are days lately when I never make it to the shower, in fact! Ugh!

I've actually been in tears lately. I had felt like I was just on the verge of really finding myself...  of breaking out... of "emerging". And now I feel robbed. And guilty and selfish. And frustrated. Just being honest here.

So... like today's title says: When all else fails, why not take my own advice?!  

I've used this quote often, and have it tacked up in my studio:

"If you don't like it, change it.

If you can't change it, 

then change how you think about it!"

Last night, as I went to bed in tears, I realized that I was banging my head against a wall... and it was dumb. We had thought that Jim would be retiring early, this summer. Then it changed to this December. Now... it may be in a couple of years, depending on how his feet hold up. 

So, why would that upset me?? Because IT IS HIS DOG, not mine. HE was supposed to take care of her soon, not me. I was supposed to get my life back, not be a permanent puppy-sitter. I'm not angry... I'm sad. I feel a loss of something I treasured.

I love my alone time. I NEED my alone time. To think, to pray, to concentrate, to create, to paint.... I can't do any of that with constant interruptions, whether human or furry. And I no longer have the option of staying up, hoot owl style, since I have to get up early now.

So... I can't change circumstances. It is what it is. The only thing left is to change how I think about it. 

And that is what I am working on.

I read a blog last night (forget which) that asked "what makes you happy?" And I cried. Because instantly I knew why I was so UNhappy. I've lost the very things that makes me happy, that feed my soul, that make me feel whole, by losing my alone time.

And I started to turn to emotional eating, falling back into old habits. But guess what?? It just doesn't work any more. It changes nothing, except to make matters worse. What I need is to find a solution, not avoid the problem. I need my alone time again.

I'm not sure how to get it back... and am trying to re-invent it. Maybe it can happen differently... in a way I haven't tried before... not sure, just trying to be open to possibilities. 

Jim has worked hard on fencing the back yard, and is now building a special doggie door. He's sweet... he is trying to help, though he doesn't really understand my frustration... doesn't relate to it. But even so, it's a loving thing when a person tries to help even though they don't get it. :-}

Joey is a blessing... and a challenge. Jim smiles more now, and I see his old self coming back. He had been under such stress for too long at work. So I am thankful for our furry little bundle of energy, for his sake. 

And she is forcing me to stretch my thinking, and look for new ways to reach my goals, to do the things that light up my life...  

It was tempting to just shut down my blog, to give up on trying to keep up with it, since I was already so stressed over the time crunch. I'm sorry I haven't been very supportive of you all lately. I've had to cut back, and just do my best... and like Mizfit says, that will just have to be good enough. :-}

From Dr Phil's book: "Change your thinking to change your weight."

My verse for today: "Be not far from me, O God; come quickly, O my God, to help me."

My quote for today: "Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up." 

--Thomas Edison

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 622

Just Too Sad

Hi again,

Wow... no post for days, then two in one day. But I wanted to share why I just feel deflated, and don't even know when I'll post next. Oh, I'm sure I will... it's just I don't even feel like thinking about it right now. 

News... more heartbreaking news. As you know, only 5 weeks ago my Dad died. I felt like I was just getting my legs under me again. And now... more sadness. 

My dear nephew-in-law died last night, at home in his sleep. My niece and nephew-in-law are wonderful people, solid believers, with 3 daughters. He wasn't even 50 yet. I admire the man he was... solid, trustworthy, generous and kind. I feel like... it's just not fair...

He had a biopsy for his brain tumor just a few days ago... and we were all of the mindset of waiting for the results, and going from there... so this was an unexpected punch.

I sat out on my front porch this morning after I got the call... looking at the new growth, the buds, green leaves, little flowers. The cycle of life, like from that song in The Lion King. I feel so incredibly sad... again.

And yes, I wanted to eat... again. But I've been doing an experiment this week with my plan, and had made a promise to a friend to be accountable to her. That slowed me down during the day, giving me time to think instead of react. It's helping... with the eating, but not with the sadness. I did eat a little more than normal this evening... but even that has lost it's allure now.

In the grand scheme of things, this "diet" thing is so incredibly unimportant, in and of itself. It's only a means to an end, a way to get back what I've lost, so I can go on and focus on what's really important in life... what matters most. 

I don't want to spend any more time than necessary on this part of the journey...the mechanics of it. The process of weight removal... the regaining of health and strength. 

I don't need another hobby! I don't need to dabble around, and get all comfy being a "weight loss" blogger, allowing that to become my identity. I am NOT that. This is a temporary part of my life, a necessary thing I need to do in order to get PAST this hurdle, this hindrance, this weight. Yes, being careful in this area will most likely be with me for life... but it doesn't have to BE my life.

Life is short. I don't want to waste it on things that don't matter in the long run. In honor of this wonderful man, my nephew, I will stay on my plan. He had no choice that his life was cut short. I have a choice, as to whether or not I goof around and make stupid choices, which will shorten my life. 

I feel grateful for mercy... for the chance to make healthy choices. And a responsibility to make this time I've been given count, to live it in a way that matters.

(photo credit)

"Lost time is never found again." 

--Benjamin Franklin

"Time is the coin of your life. 

It is the only coin you have, 

and only you can determine how it will be spent. 

Be careful lest you let other people spend it for you." 

--Carl Sandburg

"Whether we like it or not, the clock keeps ticking 

so live fully, every single second of every single day. 

Learn the true joy of doing less and having more 

as you experience each day as priceless. 

Fill your life with as many precious moments and 

experiences of joy and passion as you humanly can."  

--Marcia Weder, excerpt from 

Dreams Are Whispers From the Soul

"My times are in your hands... " 

Psalms 31:15

Loretta