Tuesday, May 22, 2012

MAY 22nd But... I Was Doing So Well

I wrote this late Sunday night... and I've been debating if I should post it or not. Sometimes I envy those with "private" blogs. 

Then, this morning, I read my email. In there was a wonderful note from an internet friend that was so uplifting and encouraging, and I knew I had to be honest. This journey is not a success-only trip. For me, it's had it's share of stumbles, too.

I temporarily wandered off my yellow brick road... but I think I'm finding my way back now. Anyway... here goes:

But... I was doing so well. 

Famous last words, right?

Had a fascinating/painful experience... fascinating  because my Father was a police officer, then lawyer, then finally federal court judge.

Painful because my Other Half has been on vacation almost 2 weeks. The longer it went, the farther  behind I got in everything.

The pressure built.
It finally blew.  
Hurt feelings... disappointments... old wounds surfacing... old trigger buttons punched.

As I lay alone in bed sobbing my heart out to God, giving him my laundyry list of complaints, I felt met with understanding and compassion. Then, it was like a gentle voice said, "Yes, I agree with you, he DID do all those things. Yes, he WAS guilty of all you accuse him of... Now, argue for the defense."


Like in a courtroom... and I had just argued the case for the prosecution, and now I was being asked by The Judge to argue for the defense.

This wasn't just some "reframing" psychobabble... it was a change of heart-view.

It was hard.

I didn't WANT to see it from any other point of view... I was the injured party here.

But I did... and though it was like pulling teeth at first, slowly I could see another side... and I could also see why it hurt me so bad.

I gave all the arguments for the defense I could think of, sort of reluctantly at first.

But at the end, the Closing Argument for the defense was: Yes, he falls short... but he's doing the best he knows how.

Um... Just. Like. Me.

Eating everything in the kitchen had not helped.
Crying my heart out had not helped.
But looking at him from another point of view... with a changed heart... with compassion and love, did help.

I no longer want to eat everything edible in Oregon, justifying it with "what's the point?"

I at least want to keep trying.
Love is a very powerful thing. A real thing... a permeating thing... a getting down to the root of stuff thing.

I'm healing.
I'm going on.
I refuse to give up.

Not exactly enjoying the journey right now... but getting better,


Day 1009


~Karen C.L. Anderson~ said...

Boy can I relate to "this journey is not a success-only trip" AND the idea of turning it around and seeing the role *I* have played in a situation. It's never comfortable but man if sure does help, in the end. As I like to say, miracles often reside in the midst of self-doubt and confusion. We just have to be willing to experience the discomfort in order to see the miracle :-)

Christine said...

I completely understand...I have had an idea brewing in my mind for a few days..about what is or isn't inspirational. I find it more inspirational to have to go t hrough hard things..and to read about people who do..then to read about people who are perfect. None of us are...being honest is the first b est step. Rooting for you as always.

Jules said...

I'll take your words and place them in my heart when my doubts come up

I'm healing.
I'm going on.
I refuse to give up.

Thank you for the awesome post and reminding us to argue for the defense too..
because your right....everybody falls short Just.Like.Me!

Leslie said...

It takes so much courage to hear a message that we don't want to consider and then find the oomph to follow it anyway. I'm sorry you went through this difficult time, but I know one thing for sure...I have never learned much when I'm on a winning streak. It's in the trenches where the lessons, and the miracles, as Karen pointed out, are to be found.

Hugs and prayers to you, Loretta

M Pax said...

What a powerful moment to change your thinking by seeing the other side. Outstanding. Honest. That's a very powerful tool.

None of us are perfect. We deal the best we can. Sorry you were feeling so lonely and hurt. But I'm glad you saw past all the gloom.

If you can keep hold of that love, you'll be just fine.

MargieAnne said...

That's a very powerful thing to do and writing about it is also part of the healing.

We can all learn from your experience of being counsel for the defence.

You are definitely on the healing road.

Not wanting to be a wet cloth but you and I both know that this is not the end of it. One major step followed by others is how it seems to go.

I remember well the words of Corrie Ten Boom, famous for her wartime experience written in the autobiography, The Hiding Place. She often talked about the big bell ring of joy and freedom but there are always the slower softer chimes to follow which she called the Bim Bams. I guess that's Dutch for ring-a-ding-ding.

As I read I wondered if you ever felt abandoned. I don't know why it came to mind but I did go through something once when John and I were apart for business reasons. It took me years to understand what was going on.

Praying you have an ACE Day today.


Anonymous said...

I totally get this. In a way, I wish I didn't....

It is interesting to me that God has been doing a similar thing here. After Bill has hurt my feelings and i'm crying and angry and feeling, as Margie suggested, abandoned, I suddenly find myself thinking, "But he is a good man" followed by similar thoughts.

Not only is this a new thing for me, it does not discount my pain or invalidate my thoughts at all. I am somehow supported in my rendition of the situation while being shown his good qualities. I absolutely know it is God doing that. If it were me, I'd only be able to pull that off by blaming myself for being too sensitive and discounting my hurt feelings.

It is as you describe (without the courtroom setting). Thank you for your courage and your unintended confirmation of my own very recent experience.

Hugs, LtL, hugs.


Mom to the Fourth Power said...

Very enlightening Loretta. One of those hard lessons learned. Letting go of pain... making the choice to let go. Seeing things from a different perspective, that takes us out of victim mode. I feel that my struggle with losing my dear friend recently is similar to how you describe you feelings. It's been SOO hard. But I know the lessons are needed and lovingly taught by the Lord.

"Love is a very powerful thing. A real thing... a permeating thing... a getting down to the root of stuff thing.

I'm healing.
I'm going on.
I refuse to give up."

Your last lines here are so true and powerful. I'm sorry your heart has been broken and tried. I'm glad that you aren't going to give up and that you know your worth. God is just polishing you up so shiny!!


'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

Thank you Loretta for always being so honest. It really does help so many. I only wish you didn't have to go through such pain to be able to share your insights.
In the end, I'm certain that there is meaning and value above the pain and yet it's sometimes hard to justify while we are feeling it.
I'll be hoping that miraculous healing and understanding will be yours.
I'm positive that this will serve to propel you further upward and onward.

Rettakat said...

"We just have to be willing to experience the discomfort in order to see the miracle"

Ah, and there lies my lifelong sticking point, the one I'm working on. Being willing to go THROUGH the pain, and not run from it.
You are so right. :-}

Rettakat said...

I'm always hesitant to post things that involve someone else... I want to respect their privacy. That's why I mentioned private blogs. But what the heck... he never reads my blog anyways... ! :-}
Thank you for the rooting... I can sure use it right about now.

Rettakat said...

Thank YOU, Jules... You know why.

Rettakat said...

Oh but those winning streaks are so much more fun. And easy. And not threatening. And comfortable... sigh...
Thank you, Leslie.

Rettakat said...

You hit the nail on the head...keep hold of the Love. Sometimes it feels like a slippery little cuss! Just when I think I have a firm grasp, my thinking drifts off to my "complaints", and that's all it takes to lose my grip.
I'm sorry I missed you when you came through town... I was deep in doodoo right about then, and too selfishly focused on me and my problems. Please forgive me for closing up and giving in to all that... if there's a next time, let's meet for coffee!

Rettakat said...

Oh my friend, you know from whence you speak.
Yes, I totally agree. Have read Corrie Ten Boom, and highly respect and admire her. She's the real deal when it comes to forgiveness, and living through pain. And she's right... there have been bells ringing around here day and night... when I can get my own mind-chatter to quiet down long enough to hear them.

And yes... one of the things I was praying about WAS abandonment. I didn't call it that name. But it was the issue of my Dad dumping his wife and 4 kids for his secretary, when I was about 9 yrs old. Growing up with the feeling of just "wanting to be wanted". Making lots of stupid decisions as a teenager whenever any boy came along and made me feel like he "wanted me". Why it's so devastating to feel a wall put up and being shut out, like I am not wanted, in my marriage. It's all tied together. And why it's so healing to think that God actually WANTED me, and reached out to me and included me, and has never put up a wall, and has always been there. That's what I hold on to... that Love... it's real and it's powerful.
Still working on stuff here. :-)

Rettakat said...

Yes... exactly. The "but he is a good man" response. Yep... me too.
I'm so sorry you went through a similar event... but it helps to know you understand. :-}

Rettakat said...

"But I know the lessons are needed and lovingly taught by the Lord."

That's one thing I'm so grateful about... that I DO feel they are being lovingly taught. With totally understanding, and not putting me down for being hurt, and even agreeing with me that it happened just like I said! Yet... not leaving it there. Moving past it, to compassion and understanding and eventual healing. Not there yet... but on the path. I kinda see it in the distance... :-}

Rettakat said...

It's tricky sharing openly when it involves others. I never want to "help myself" at the expense of someone else. I might be ticked at them, but I still respect their privacy, ya know? (now internet trolls... that's a different animal, and all bets are off there, LOL).

Thank you, I could sure use some "upward and onward". :-}

PJ Geek said...

I had some anxiety eating today..not hungry, but anxious kind of eating prior to going to a church picnic. I've purposefully avoided picnics in the past, because of what could happen AT the picnic. It's just darn frustrating to screw up again and again. At least you could identify what this was about and work through it. We just have to keep on .

Rettakat said...

Ah yes.. the sanctified feed trough. ;-) I totally get that.
I'm sorry it was hard on you, and you are so right. We just have to keep on. :-}

carla said...

I CAN RELATE TO THIS and know we ALL can.

some days it isnt about enjoying the journey at all is it.
it is about not quitting.



Dayne Gingrich said...

We're not defined by our successes ... but instead by how much pain we can endure, and keep getting up!!!!

Never EVER EVER give up.

Rettakat said...

Have to agree with you, Carla... some days there is just one goal: keep going. :-)

Rettakat said...

Thank you, Coach Dayne, for your words. I don't know all that will happen tomorrow... but I can tell you one thing that WILL happen: I won't quit. Ever.

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