I wrote this late Sunday night... and I've been debating if I should post it or not. Sometimes I envy those with "private" blogs.
Then, this morning, I read my email. In there was a wonderful note from an internet friend that was so uplifting and encouraging, and I knew I had to be honest. This journey is not a success-only trip. For me, it's had it's share of stumbles, too.
I temporarily wandered off my yellow brick road... but I think I'm finding my way back now. Anyway... here goes:
Famous last words, right?
Had a fascinating/painful experience... fascinating because my Father was a police officer, then lawyer, then finally federal court judge.
Painful because my Other Half has been on vacation almost 2 weeks. The longer it went, the farther behind I got in everything.
The pressure built.
It finally blew.
Hurt feelings... disappointments... old wounds surfacing... old trigger buttons punched.
As I lay alone in bed sobbing my heart out to God, giving him my laundyry list of complaints, I felt met with understanding and compassion. Then, it was like a gentle voice said, "Yes, I agree with you, he DID do all those things. Yes, he WAS guilty of all you accuse him of... Now, argue for the defense."
Like in a courtroom... and I had just argued the case for the prosecution, and now I was being asked by The Judge to argue for the defense.
This wasn't just some "reframing" psychobabble... it was a change of heart-view.
It was hard.
I didn't WANT to see it from any other point of view... I was the injured party here.
But I did... and though it was like pulling teeth at first, slowly I could see another side... and I could also see why it hurt me so bad.
I gave all the arguments for the defense I could think of, sort of reluctantly at first.
But at the end, the Closing Argument for the defense was: Yes, he falls short... but he's doing the best he knows how.
Um... Just. Like. Me.
Eating everything in the kitchen had not helped.
Crying my heart out had not helped.
But looking at him from another point of view... with a changed heart... with compassion and love, did help.
I no longer want to eat everything edible in Oregon, justifying it with "what's the point?"
I at least want to keep trying.
Love is a very powerful thing. A real thing... a permeating thing... a getting down to the root of stuff thing.
I'm going on.
I refuse to give up.
Not exactly enjoying the journey right now... but getting better,