Aug 24th Uh oh...Another Gift Arrived

It's been a busy summer. Ups, downs and progress, albeit slow. Had another dental surgery, and healing up nicely. Only one more to go, yay!

I'm still enjoying my weekly Tai Chi class, and have gotten my little backyard therapy pool going for water aerobics about 5 times a week. Loving that!

I'm still involved with the support and accountability group called A Better Weigh, that I originally found through Sean Anderson, from The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser.

 This is new to me, being accountable this way, and it goes against my independent tendency. But submitting to that kind of accountability and receiving and offering caring support in return has been tremendous. These "strangers" have turned out to be kind and caring people on the same journey to health as I am. Very powerful!

For those who don’t know me well: I live in a powerchair. All waking hours. My overall goal is to regain health, strength and mobility. To walk again. I have a muscle/joint/connective tissue thing with blown knees, and the added weight makes walking impossible. So, weight loss is a prerequisite for walking again. I started at 460, and am now at 325. I NEED to continue. I still have dreams and goals, and need mobility to realize them.

Yesterday another Gift arrived, all wrapped up in a painful experience. My powerchair broke down. My Sweetie couldn't fix it this time, and it will take months navigating the Medicare/insurance "system" to get another one. When I ask the people I'm dealing with to get a new one what I'm supposed to do in the meantime, they just shrug. Sorry, that's the system.

Anyway, this loss of my ONLY way to get around, my powerchair breaking down, was devastating. And this morning I realized it was a Gift.

The Gift is a stark, clear look at what my future WILL absolutely be, if I fail at obtaining Recovery from food addiction. It felt like I time traveled to my future. I mean, intellectually, I knew this. But… now I’ve experienced it. It was not only physically painful, but terrifying. Waiting for help to get a drink of water. Waiting for help to get into the bathroom. Waiting for help to get to the computer... etc etc etc. It is not living, just existing. 

So I accept and embrace this gift of motivation. This gift of seeing crystal clear what my future could be - both ways, good and bad. And the powerful KNOWING that I can choose which direction I go. I guess that’s the real Gift: knowing and BELIEVING that I can choose my future by my choices, by what I DO. I'm very grateful for this Gift. I'm now sure it's an answer to prayer.

My book quote for today: "...the person who forgets the ultimate is a slave to the immediate." --John C Maxwell, How Successful People Think

My verse for today: "Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

My quote for today: "...eating disorders tend to have in common the relentless attempt to control how we feel... the point is we often engage in potentially compulsive or addictive behaviors in a misguided attempt to 'manage' unpleasant feelings."

Retta

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Edited 8/27 to add: All phone calls fell on deaf/uncaring ears. UNTIL we found a repairman who let me use his loaner powerchair without charge. And it "just happened" to be large enough to accommodate me (we previously have checked into renting one, and no one around here had one that was rated over 250 lbs). He will work mine into his repair schedule, and though I must pay out of pocket, he has a reconditioned part he can use (saving me several hundred dollars), and assures me it will last the several months it will take to get a new powerchair. Yay! Another answer to prayers. Feeling grateful today.

Cowgirl Up Time

Just a shortie to say I've joined an online support/accountability group that has a 10 week program, starting next Tuesday.

I came close to just chucking it all, and accepting that "this is it", the way it will just have to be. But I read Sean Anderson's recent post (HERE) , and it really made me stop and think. I had to admit I'd bought into my own excuses, and that I didn't think there was much hope left to try again to get all the way to goal.

But... there IS hope. So I signed up and committed to giving it my honest best.
There are only 3 spots left if anyone feels ready for some help, for that extra boost that support brings. Here is the info; scroll down Sean's latest post for the links to sign up.

In "honor" of my commitment (gulp) I goofed around in my Zazzle shop (gifts, cards and the like) and made this motivational card from my ink and watercolor illustration:

Well, ignore the customized spot where customers put their own words, ha ha!
I can imagine MY name there, with something like: Come on, Retta, you can DO this!

Rah, rah, wave the pom poms and all that. ;-)

Reminding myself, once again, loud and clear: NEVER GIVE UP.

Retta

APRIL 19th A Different Point of View!

For all those who roll your eyes whenever I post a new "aha" moment... get ready to rock an' roll 'em! 

I read a post by Marion at Affection for Fitness that stopped me in my tracks. It's titled: Why I Don't Believe In Willpower for Weight/Fitness. 

Now, I've been  looking for answers for YEARS, trying this and that, going down many dead end paths, reading umpteen different books and trying to learn from the "experts". Everyone has an opinion. But I can't recall reading THIS idea before, from quite this angle, that Marion wrote about.

I highly recommend you read the whole post yourself, but for the sake of discussion, here is what I got out of it, in a nutshell:

Stop trying to find ways to stay all excited/highly pumped up/motivated every single day as a way to get you to your goal, or you will burn out!

 

That's my summary... she said it better. But I had to stop and think about it. Cuz I've been doing the OPPOSITE of what she is saying. Trying to find ways to keep that "motivation" level all hyped up; to "feel" motivated. But Marion made the point that NO ONE can "feel" highly motivated for long periods of time, without ending up feeling tired and wanting to take a rest, a break from it all. 

She said what we need is STAYING POWER, not will power. And we get that by not depending upon "feeling" all excited and motivated, but from just having a plan of what we need to do, day in and day out, then DOING it regardless of how we "feel". 

Bingo! That's when I saw she was right... that IS how I've been feeling lately, tired and burned out. Actually, for a long time! I just never saw it in quite this light before. I won't repeat her post here, but she does explain the answer to all that, so if you find you are feeling kinda burned out, I really do suggest you read her post HERE.

After thinking of all the posts I've written here about motivation, attitude, determination, energy, passion, positive thinking, getting strength, being a Warrior, willpower, blah blah blah... I wonder if I've made it clear that I am a SEEKER, not an expert??

 I don't HAVE the answers, I am SEARCHING for the answers. I know that I've said that before, but not with every post. And I suspect that I must come off as some kind of know-it-all, due to some "feedback" from certain folks. For someone who has turned that corner and has finally "gotten it", I guess I can see why they might feel impatient or frustrated with those of us still trying to "get it". I mean, even *I* get tired of feeling like all I do is talk it, not walk it!

Let me make it reeeeaaalllly clear: I am ON this journey to wellness. I have NOT arrived! I am still learning, and I like to write about stuff that I am interested in, and that--at the time--I am excited enough about to want to put it into a post. Yes, I hope someone else might find it helpful, too. And I'm sorry--truly-- if my communication skills make it sound like I'm thinking I have all the answers, or that I'm saying everyone should do it "my" way. Cuz that's the opposite of what I think! All plans do NOT work for everyone. We all have to find what works for us.

But there are some overall "principles" that do seem to apply to most everyone. And I'm thinking that this post by Marion is one of those. At least... it rings true to me. So I'm pointing it out, in the hopes that others might also find it helpful. If it contradicts anything I've previously written, then definitely ditch what I said, and listen to someone who IS successful at this journey to wellness!

 I really mean it when I say... do yourself a favor and take time to read her post. It's a keeper!

My book quote for today: "All inputs contribute to who you become as a person! Nothing is neutral. Every exposure either overtly or discreetly influences your personality, your character, and the choices you make during the day, even though you are consciously unaware of most of them." --Tommy Newberry, The 4:8 Principle

My verse for today: "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer."

My quote for today: "The reason why you aren't interested in "deep motivation" is because you know that success in the long run is about pacing yourself and not emotionally exhausting yourself." --Marions daughter

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

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PS: As of April 2013, the Comments are turned off. 

Please enjoy just reading, no pressure to respond. 

I hope something Encourages you, or sparks Hope or interest. Or not. 

But either way, I want to continue to document my Journey to Wellness. 

 

NOV 16th A Pig, A Story & A Disclaimer

Was over reading Sean's blog this morning (Daily Diary of a Winning Loser) and one of the comments made me stop and think. 

See, Sean has recently returned to writing on his blog, after a few months of struggling with being somewhat off course. And the commentor said she has been a little put off by his recent "motivational" posts on Facebook, and how they made her feel a little "inferior". She graciously apologized for misjudging him, not realizing at the time that he was talking more to himself than anyone else (side note: no one "makes" us feel any way; we choose how we respond).

Anyway... the reason this caught my attention was because I, too, am struggling, and was all set to write a post today telling about the little "motivational" project I just finished, which I had talked about yesterday over at my art blog, Art By Retta.

I've said it here many times, but now realize it wouldn't hurt to say it again: I write what *I* need to hear, most of all. Just like Sean, and many others bloggers. 

I guess I forget to mention that most of the time, and come off as a happy/chirpy/got-it-all-together know it all!  Eeek! That sure isn't how I feel. And I would hate to think anyone felt "inferior" by mistakenly thinking that just because most of the time I choose to focus on the positives and possibilities, that means I have it all together... Not!

I feel like Michelangelo, who said:

So... with all the disclaimers out of the way ;-)

here is the link to my post "A Pig With A Story".

My book quote for today: "I can't overemphasize the importance of developing mental discipline." --Tommy Newberry, The 4:8 Principle

My verse for today: "I will listen to what God the Lord will say; he promises peace to his people, his saints--but let them not return to folly."

My quote for today: "In the middle of every difficulty lies opportunity." --Albert Einstein

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

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DAY 1181

MAY 1st I'm Baaack!

Hello Journal & Friends,

I had a wonderful bloggy vacation! I even restrained myself from spouting off in a post when the urge hit... once. ;-)

As I started to write this, I stumbled upon the "pray for wisdom list" I made back on April 13th. It was for me and 6 others. I have been praying daily, sometimes more than once, for wisdom for us all. But... I had forgotten what I wrote next to MY name. :-O

Here it is:

April 13th, starting to see that I can choose which "restriction" I use as a tool. And if I want to stop counting calories, all I need to do is use "hunger/fullness" signals as prompts and ACCEPT them as my tool to control amounts. That would be all I need to do, just one thing, since I already make my choices from low carb, and don't eat sugar/flour now. Just one thing! How simple. :-)

Yeah right... how simple!! 

Well, on my "blogcation" I didn't count calories... not a one. I really did want to test this "theory". Was I ready for it? Was it too soon? Was I fooling myself? Was I making excuses cuz I was just plain tired of the hassle of counting?

How did I do?

April 1 weigh in: 332

May 1 weigh in:  321

Meaning a loss for April of 11 pounds. 

Pretty good for this ol' dog!

Hey, I think I'm on to sumpthin!! Perhaps I've finally turned the corner. I've done this whole deal long enough to know how, what, why, etc etc, ad nauseam. 

I had to ACCEPT the restriction, and stop fighting it. 

So all during my "time off" from blogging about it, I shifted my focus to my WHY. 

Yes, I did blog a little, but it was at my art blog (here).  I focused on my true passion, my reason for wanting to get healthy and lose this weight. I plan to continue this pattern for the most part, and see if it truly is where I need to be now, where this leg of the journey is leading me. I'm excited!

And this is for anyone who did NOT have a stellar April... hang in there, your time is a-coming. 

My book quote for today: "Find what works best for you. Always remember that you are trying to master yourself, not find a master for you." --Richard Machowicz, Unleash The Warrior Within

My verse for today: "Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy."

My quote for today: "I am still far from being what I want to be, but with God's help I shall succeed." --Vincent Van Gogh

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

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DAY 988

APRIL 6th Our Video Is Here!

Hello Journal & Friends,

I'm excited! It's here... the long anticipated video made especially for us by Coach Dayne, from Coach Your Mind! 

On January 1st of this year, I took a Poll (Here), asking what YOU all would like to see included in his video. Coach Dayne teaches on having a winning mindset, on choosing to be the 1%.. that minority of people who decide that failure, mediocrity and defeatist attitude are not what they want. Who are willing to do the work, to be teachable, and to never ever quit. To believe their goals are possible... thus making it probable that they WILL achieve them. It's for those who decide they are not willing to settle for less any more! 

Does that describe you??

I'm making the choice that it DOES describe me. I'm not going by feelings, I'm choosing it. I. want. it. 

Well, Coach Dayne read your answers to the poll, and we now have the video! Before I give the link to the video (I'm having problems with blogspot letting me embed videos, thus the need for a link) I wanted to let you in on something else Coach Dayne is up to: he's now posting short audio talks on Soundcloud, which also appear on Facebook. If you sign up, Soundcloud will notify you when a new audio is available. 

The audios are short and to the point, and I'm loving them. I already saw one thing I was NOT doing right in visualizing my goals... and that's only after listening to two! Here is the link to Coach Dayne's Soundcloud page.  

Okay, drumroll... here's the long awaited:

 VIDEO ON YOUTUBE link. 

I already took a peek at it, and I am so jazzed! I heard something clearly this time I had been fuzzy on before, and that's exciting to me. 

Need a reason to watch the video? Here's my short summary:

--talks about keys to keeping the kind of powerful motivation that will bust through barriers

--how to super-charge your motivation so it sustains you

--describes the kind of "WHY" needed and what to attach to it in order to make it powerful and solid, so nothing will stop you

--how to separate from the "average" and achieve your goals, to become the 1%

Thank you, Coach Dayne. I appreciate this greatly.

My book quote for today: "What is it like, they ask me, to commit every fiber, every molecule of being, to completing a goal? How do you train yourself to not ever consider the option of quitting under the most stressful situations?" --Richard Machowicz, Unleash the Warrior Within

My verse for today: "I will sing praise to my God as long as I live."

My quote for today: "You control virtually every aspect of this journey." --Jack, at Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit 

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

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DAY 963

APRIL 2nd I'm Still Alive!

Hi Journal & Friends,

Sunday night I had a dream.

I died.

It wasn't scary or morbid or anything like that. But man, it was so real! It came unexpected, and swift. There was a LOT to the dream, and I remember exactly what I said when I realized I was "there" and not "here" any longer: "But I'm not finished".

Like I said, there was a whole lot more. But the take away messages for ME was this:

None of us know when our time is done here. So live to our fullest NOW.

There is Love there. But also make sure you live in Love here, and NOW.

I feel in my heart I am not finished here yet, so I want to not waste any time NOW.

Master the Now!

Just yesterday (Sunday) I watched a video on Coach Dayne's blog, Coach Your Mind.  The line I wrote down from the video to remember was: Master the now!  I can see how that also worked itself into my dream.

I was going to write a whiny post about how I gained 3 lbs last month, and how I'm going to work harder, yadda yadda yadda. Well, it kinda pales in significance to dying!! Yes, I AM getting my rear in gear. And getting on with this. But not "to lose weight". That will be a great side benefit.

I want to get on with the program and lose the weight so I CAN live now, so I can finish my business here. So I can give that love NOW, in my own way.

Wow, what a dream!! 

I woke up early, feeling excited and bursting with energy and renewed motivation! Now... to add the ACTION to that motivation.

My book quote for today: "You can always do more than you think, you can always go a lot farther than you think." --Richard Machowicz, Unleash The Warrior Within

My verse for today: "But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more."

My quote for today: "Success isn't a destination, it's a belief. Belief isn't taught, it's decided. When will you decide?" --Dayne Gingrich

Enjoy the Journey as long as it lasts,

Loretta

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DAY 959

JAN 8th Day of Rest & Fav Photo... Baby Deer!

Hello Journal & Friends,

Last June I told you about The Triplets, and posted photos HERE. A Mama deer had triplets right outside the hospital where Jim works in Ashland, Oregon. 

There is a lot of dense shrubbery, trees and a water source, so she moved right in, obviously feeling safe. The admininstration immediately put out the word: protect her, and leave her alone. It was wonderful, and patients enjoyed getting glimpses of her and The Triplets outside their windows. Unfortunately, one little fawn didn't make it, so now they are The Twins.

The 2 babies grew, and Mama led them off into the nearby hills. Last seen, Jim said they looked strong and healthy. Yay!

Jim is excited that he was invited to submit some of his photography to be shown in the hospital gallery, and to also be used in the Patient Choice Gallery, where they get to pick which art hangs on the walls of their room during their stay. It's a program designed to make patients feel cared for body, spirit and soul. Nice, yes?

Here are The Twins, on gallery wrapped canvas. It makes me smile to see MyGuy feeling encouraged about his photography. To have a passion and pursue it... that's what we all need on this journey to better health.

I hope you like these cuties as much as I do (can click to enlarge).

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

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DAY 874

NOV 4th A Gift In My Life

Hello Journal & Friends,

Life has a way of reminding us about Priorities. Here's what the recently deceased Steve Jobs had to say:

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma--which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."

Why am I on this train of thought?? Because once again, I've lost a Friend to death. It's taken a couple of days before I could even talk about it, but I want to honor her life... so let me tell you about my friend Millie.

We met almost 7 years ago on the Dr Phil weight loss message boards.  A handful of us created a private Yahoo group where we could bare our souls, and Millie was a faithful member of that group. She died this last Monday. Millie, who was 44, had struggled with weight all her life, and had lost around 150 pounds with about 90 to go when she died. Her heart had a habit of racing out of control occasionally, and the extra weight made it worse. She was highly motivated...yet still struggled. 

Millie had 9 children (!), all the way from a married son and her first grandson, to her own 2 year old baby boy. She desparately wanted that little guy to never know a "fat mommy". She fought the old all-or-nothing thinking, swinging from rigid perfectionism during which she'd do fabulously... to getting frustrated and stopping altogether for a few days or weeks. But overall... she never gave up. She'd get back up, dust off, and keep going.

God was Millie's foundation, her source of strength. We had lot's of "talks" about that, and agreed that God didn't make us robots. We have the freedom to choose, and Millie wanted to make healthy choices... for herself and as an example to her children. She cared deeply about not passing on unhealthy habits to her kids. 

Oh, how Millie loved being a Mommy. In her last email to me about a week ago, she was so tickled that her sweet Hubby was taking over the homeschooling duties, and for the first time in 16 years, she would get to focus on being a wife, homemaker and Mom.

Folks... this has been such a punch in the gut to me. Thinking of all those children without their Mom. A grieving husband. The first grandson she was so excited about, who will never know Grandma. A 2 year old babe who can't understand where Mommy is...

Why, oh why, have I goofed around and taken so long at this weight loss thing?? We are not promised tomorrow. Yet sometimes I "forget" what's really important, and give in to the moment. I forget that Time is finite here on earth, and I fritter it away. I make less than healthy nutritional choices, thinking there's always tomorrow.

My life is richer for having known Millie. No, I never met her in person. But I've met her heart, and received encouragement and kindness from her over and over. And now she once again is teaching me to LIVE NOW. To keep my priorities straight. To go for my dreams NOW. 

Oh Millie, I'm going to miss you... you were such a gift in my life.

Loretta

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DAY 810