JUNE 17th Ups n Downs, But Never Give Up

It's been a long time since I've been so overwhelmed with temptation that I took something out of the garbage and ate it. 

Oh... you've never done that?? Then you don't understand true food addiction. Addiction to the way eating something can make you feel. 

The temporary lift 

The temporary escape 

The temporary hit to the pleasure center in the brain

I didn't do it this time, but the urge was powerful and I came close. Too close.

You see I, myself, opened the door to be set up for it. A relative came into town and brought dinner. Included was some "crack cocaine"... aka... fresh baguette bread. 

I had two responses: red flag warning, since in my past I have literally eaten a whole loaf with a stick of butter over the course of one day. And... rationalization. Telling myself it's no big deal, it's family, it's a special occasion, I'll just have a little and be done with it. 

Uh huh. Yep. That's the worst kind of lie, the kind we tell ourself. 

For some people, they could handle "a little bit". But I know my history. And I never should have listened to the lie.

After they left, I had "just one more slice". Then another. Then another... MyGuy came home and caught me having "just one slice". I didn't explain it was just one AFTER ten other "just ones".  In other word, I lied by omission. Sigh... that's a classic sign of an addict hiding their behavior, right??

So, I made sure he saw me throw the rest of the loaf, in it's bag, into the trash can. As if I was oh-so-in-control. Riiiggghhtttt...

The next day I was under more stress from other issues, and was hit with the image of that baguette bread, in the trash but "protected" by it's plastic bag. And for a fleeting second I seriously considered pulling it out and eating it.

I was aghast at myself! I was disgusted, disappointed, and embarrassed that I actually considered doing that.

After all these years. After all those pounds lost so far. And I'm STILL even entertaining doing something like that??!!!!!

Even now, it makes me cry. I wonder if I have changed at all. I wonder if I am just following a "program", yet inside there is no true change.

I once wrote a post (HERE) trying to articulate the differences, as I saw it, in the weight loss experiences of a "smaller" overweight person and a super-sized person (jumbo jet vs cessna). Sure, some things are the same. But some feel different to me.

I started at 460 pounds. The canyons seemed deeper, the mountains seemed higher. Temptation seemed so powerful and hope seemed farther away. Success always felt right around the corner, but just out of reach.

The road, for the super-sized person, can seem soooo long. It's easy to get so very tired of it all. To start thinking compromise. Couched in a "positive" way, of course, like "look how far you've come".  

But it's still settling. 

Still stopping short. 

Still giving up. 

Still buying into the lie that I've come as far as I can, and it's time to get "realistic" and accept that this is IT.

I'm not sure why I'm feeling so raw today. I am successfully, finally, back on track, after a few days of struggle. I think it's a deep and powerful response to a blog post I read from Holly, HERE. 

After reading what Holly wrote, I cried, and I felt understood. She's lost 240 pounds and KNOWS the long struggle. Also the pitfalls along the way and even after. The pull of that addiction. The way we rationalize our behavior. The guilt over making selfish choices instead of following our faith, and going to God instead of food. All that.

So... I'm not giving up. I pray for help. I pray for mercy. I pray for encouragement. And I feel grateful that HOPE is real and powerful.

Answer my prayers, O Lord, 

for your unfailing love is wonderful.

Take care of me, for your mercy is so plentiful. 

Psalm 69:16

Loretta

JUNE 14th Pluggin Along with Optimism

Yesterday I finished up a 7 part series on my art blog (HERE) that kept me busy and happy. But... that's not the main reason I've been quiet here.

All Tiny Food photos today

credited to: Shay Aaron

Recently I sort of made a decision that I just wasn't going to post if I didn't feel I had anything to say. I finally let go of that feeling of "obligation", or the "supposed to" thoughts, or even guilt. 

Guilt?? Well, because I've received so much support over the last 3 years, and made friends and benefited from the online wt loss community. So I sort of felt it was only fair to give back, ya know? 

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But at this point in my journey, I feel the best way to support others from my blog is to only post when I honestly feel like it! To be genuine, and not force it. 

So, today all I want to share about is a smidge of progress, and a feeling of optimism. 

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Over the last 3 years I've gone round and round with this counting calories thing. Sooo many opinions on that topic! So many different approaches. What works for one, doesn't work for another, yadda yadda yadda. 

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I do low carb. That works for ME. I know it's not for everyone, but I love it. Yet I get sooo annoyed with low carbers who INSIST you don't need to count calories. 

"Eating low carb will naturally limit your hunger, and you'll automatically eat less, your blood sugars will be lowered causing less insulin release, hence the weight loss." 

Uh huh.... right. That IS true... for PHYSICAL hunger.

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But my achilles heel has always been: my overeating was not caused by physical hunger. 

I love eating low carb. I ate my last sugar and white flour in March of 2009. Best decision I ever made! Yet... I still struggle to lose weight. 

TOO. MANY. CALORIES. 

Plain and simple. Portion control has always been my nemesis. Well, that and age and menopausal hormones and inability to vigorously exercise... but that's another post. ;-)

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I finally admitted to myself that my resistance to consistently counting calories was mostly rebellion on my part. Why me? Why should *I* have to, when others don't? It's not fair... and other such childish thoughts. 

I've learned so much regarding health and nutrition from listening to podcasts, especially from Jimmy Moore at Livin La Vida Low Carb (HERE).  But I had almost stopped listening recently, because I was sooo tired of the "experts" who insist that if you eat low carb it's like the end-all, be-all panacea for whatever ails the world! 

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Don't get me wrong...I totally believe it's healthy, but I also acknowledge some people don't take to it, for a variety of reasons, and I don't criticize them.

Well, a couple of days ago I listened to just one more podcast. And I am sooo glad I did! Jimmy interviewed diabetes expert Jenny Ruhl, from Bloodsugar101.com  

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Finally, someone who tells it like it is! The title of the free podcast is "The Truth About Low Carb Diets"(HERE).   I might not agree with 100% of what she said (sorry, I don't know about you, but my ancestors weren't amoebae) but she DID address this thing about calories, along with a lot of other interesting info. If you're on low carb and struggling, you might consider giving it a listen.

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Regardless of what "diet" you choose, and regardless of what the promoters of said diet say... calories DO matter in the end. 

So... all that jabbering to say: I'm finally okay with having to count the calories! Maybe someday I won't need to... but for now, it's a tool that will help me stay within healthy limits. 

I discovered that for me, when all is going smoothly in my life, I can "hear" when to stop, and can do my own limiting naturally. 

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But when stress amps up, my "hearing" gets clogged, or maybe I just don't WANT to hear it. Either way, it doesn't work under stressful conditions.

So for now, I count. Until I get closer to goal, until I get better at this, until I just don't need to any more: I count. 

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I think a lot of us "know" there is a thing we need to do. A thing we don't WANT to do. A thing we fight, we resist, we justify NOT doing. A thing we might even resent doing. Yet deep down, we know it would be beneficial. My prayer for all of us is: to have the grace to DO it. 

Not talk about it. Not hope about it. Not whine about it. Not think about it. Not read about it. But... to DO it. To add action to the equation. That's what I'm working on.

Pretty boring stuff, nothing new really... but it's just where I'm at. :-D

My book quote for today:  "By the grace of God, each moment is a new beginning, a new dawn for your potential.  Your thoughts can become totally different, and as a result, your character can change and your life can be transformed. God wants you to be completely alive, full of passion, and bursting with joy." --Tommy Newberry, The 4:8 Principle

My verse for today: "Turn your ear to me, come quickly to my rescue; be my rock of refuge, a strong fortress to save me."

My quote for today: "If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward." --Martin Luther King Jr

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

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DAY 1026

MAR 12th On Finding Harmony

Hello Journal & Friends,

This morning I read a most wonderful post by Carla aka Mizfit.  It was about that question we've all heard: Can we have it all?

But the parts that struck ME were more about finding HARMONY... instead of looking for that elusive "balance". And also that maybe we need to re-define what the "all" is that we are working towards. It's an individual thing.

Her post touched me. The photos of her "all"... of her husband and child. Discovering that she already had her "all".

And I also thought about why I've been feeling sort of wordless when it comes to writing posts lately. I've been directing my energies in other directions - towards my art - and in doing so, I'm sort of "empty" by the time it comes to writing here. But... am I really?

I puzzled over that, and think I figured out at least part of the reason why: when I write here, I want it to mean something. I mean, not be "filler" or fluff. I want it to be real. To matter to me. And that takes digging INWARD... it takes energy and passion. 

And I've been spending that energy and passion on other stuff! So... that's why Mizfit's post struck me. I thought I had to "balance" it all... do it all... keep up with it all. And that expectation made me feel guilty, and like a failure, and frustrated that there were never enough hours in the day!

So... what to do??

I had to ask myself some hard questions. I had to be honest with myself. I would LIKE to think I am oh-so-strong that the occasional negative comments left here don't bother me. 

But they do. I considered shutting off the comments, but I admit I would miss the interaction with most of you that I consider online friends. 

When I consider letting it all hang out, sharing what's going through my head, or what I am learning... I'd like to say that I am fearless and do it regardless. But that's not the truth. 

The truth is... there have been several times lately when I felt the urge to share a neat thing I discovered, or am learning, or am thinking about... and didn't. I just didn't feel like fielding the criticisms and judgements. 

And yes, it pisses me off that I've allowed idiots to influence what I write. People that are so pin-headed and full of themselves that they don't understand that this IS a learning journey. That most of us are here because we do NOT have our act all together. We ARE learning, discovering and finding our way back to health. To not only physical health, but emotional, mental and spiritual health.

So... what to do??

I dunno yet. :-}

My book quote for today: "Never let anyone discourage you from your dreams or goals, no matter how big or small, because no one can ever guess how much you're capable of doing. You're the only one who can decide that." --Richard Machowicz, Unleash The Warrior Within

My verse for today: "Because He turned his ear to me, I will call on Him as long as I live."

My quote for today: "Fulfillment of your authentic purpose is worth every effort. Never settle for less from yourself than the absolute best you can be." --Ralph Marston

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

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DAY 938

JUNE 30th The Meltdown & The Hero

Hi Journal & Friends,

This morning I had a Mini Meltdown.

Yep, a good old fashioned cry, whine, Pity Party Deluxe. The only thing missing was the pig-out. Well, at least I've made progress there!

Poor Jim... he'd been working his tail off for the last 5 days, replacing the sub-flooring in the kitchen, then laying new linoleum. Scrambling to get it all done before he had to go back to work today. The "experts" told us that it will take a few months to really cure and harden up, so Jim put down a thin carpet with a hard rubber backing over the new linoleum, so the wheels of my rolling stool that I use in the kitchen won't chew it up. 

Except... that didn't work. The wheels bogged down, and I couldn't roll. It was painful to be jerked around, and I almost fell off the stool. And I cried.

It was just the perfect storm... It was first thing in the morning, when I am in the most pain... my pain pills haven't kicked in yet... I am under pressure to get his 2 meals made in time to take to work... I haven't had my coffee yet... everything hasn't been put back together yet in the kitchen so it's taking longer just to find stuff... I'm feeling cranky... I need a shower... but not even any clean underclothes since the laundryroom is on the OTHER side of the kitchen and has been unavailable for 5 days... I haven't had my coffe yet (yes, a thing of that importance needs to be noted twice)... on and on the Whine List went.

And then, the poor guy has to take OUT the protective carpet he spent time carefully fitting in there, and throw down a simple entry mat that works with my wheels. And he makes the innocent "mistake" of repeatedly mumbling about how it might not work... that it might chew up the new linoleum... that it might wreck it... that.... that...

And I blow!

And he blinks... huh??

And I, with great martyrdom, says "I'm sorry!" 

And he, with great patience, responds "It's not your fault."

And I, with self-pity and guilt insists "YES IT IS!!!"

And he, with puzzlement, asks "You mean because you're overweight??"

And I, with anger, answered adamantly and loudly "YES!!!"

Then he totally got me... and started me back to sanity, by saying gently: "Yes,  but you are doing something about it, and for that I applaud you."

More tears. But now there is a shift... Gratitude has snuck into the mix. 

Gratitude that he could have said sooo many OTHER things. Things that could have hurt me, could have demoralized me, could have devastated me. I was vulnerable and on the edge already, and he could have pushed me over with his words. 

Instead, he gave me love and acceptance and encouragement and approval... all in that one little sentence.

I'm better now. Feeling silly and sheepish... wondering if I have really learned ANYthing... but better now. 

In the moment, it seemed everything I thought I had learned just vanished, and I was left crying, feeling sorry for myself, and wondering if anything would ever change. 

Never underestimate the power of a kind word.

From Dr Phil's book: "What you really want is to feel better about yourself."

My verse for today: "He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me."

My quote for today: "Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the nonpharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure, and separates the victim from reality.." --John W Gardner

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

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DAY 685

DAY 278 Liver n Onions...Yum!

Hi Journal & Friends,

Today is a Liver n Onions kind of day! Since I love liver n onions, that's a good thing.

For years and years, whenever MyGuy went on one of his photographic/camping trips, it meant I got to eat whatever I wanted. Since he HATES liver n onions, it was always the first thing that went on my shopping list.

But in the past, along with yummy liver n onions, there was a long list of my favorite pig-out foods that also went on that grocery list. You know, the ones to eat while doing something else to complete the escape... like watching tv or a movie. 

I couldn't go on those camping trips... I was just too big. I can't tell you now many vacations with Jim over the years I've missed out on. I would hide my hurt, and tell him I was glad he got to go, and encouraged him to have fun. When he got back, I would eagerly listen, and encourage him to tell me about it.

And while I WAS glad he enjoyed himself, all the while there was also this deep sadness... regret... guilt... disgust with myself, because I was too fat to go with him. Too big, too painful, too many special needs...

Being overweight robs us from living our best life. 

It robs us of relationships and of experiences. 

It robs us of energy and self-respect.

It robs our confidence to dream and believe we can achieve those dreams.

It robs us of not only quantity of life, but of quality of life.

I am no longer accepting this thief in my life. I am not allowing it any more. 

This is not fate... it's not genes... it's not inevitable.... it's a choice! 

And I choose to kick out the thief and get my life back!

Next year I plan on being able to GO with MyGuy on one of those camping trips.  

Well, okay, I may wimp out and ask for a motel, but at least I will be able to GO! 

I'll trade my yummy Liver n Onions for a vacation with my sweetie any day!

From Dr Phil's book: "Heal your feelings so that your eating behavior is no longer fueled by harmful emotions."

My verse for today: "Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love."

My quote for today: "Action in the face of adversity will always be the key to whether we achieve that something or not." --Dayne Gingrich, at Coach Your Mind 

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

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