Tuesday, June 17, 2014

JUNE 17th Ups n Downs, But Never Give Up

It's been a long time since I've been so overwhelmed with temptation that I took something out of the garbage and ate it. 

Oh... you've never done that?? Then you don't understand true food addiction. Addiction to the way eating something can make you feel. 

The temporary lift 
The temporary escape 
The temporary hit to the pleasure center in the brain

I didn't do it this time, but the urge was powerful and I came close. Too close.

You see I, myself, opened the door to be set up for it. A relative came into town and brought dinner. Included was some "crack cocaine"... aka... fresh baguette bread. 

I had two responses: red flag warning, since in my past I have literally eaten a whole loaf with a stick of butter over the course of one day. And... rationalization. Telling myself it's no big deal, it's family, it's a special occasion, I'll just have a little and be done with it. 

Uh huh. Yep. That's the worst kind of lie, the kind we tell ourself. 

For some people, they could handle "a little bit". But I know my history. And I never should have listened to the lie.

After they left, I had "just one more slice". Then another. Then another... MyGuy came home and caught me having "just one slice". I didn't explain it was just one AFTER ten other "just ones".  In other word, I lied by omission. Sigh... that's a classic sign of an addict hiding their behavior, right??

So, I made sure he saw me throw the rest of the loaf, in it's bag, into the trash can. As if I was oh-so-in-control. Riiiggghhtttt...

The next day I was under more stress from other issues, and was hit with the image of that baguette bread, in the trash but "protected" by it's plastic bag. And for a fleeting second I seriously considered pulling it out and eating it.

I was aghast at myself! I was disgusted, disappointed, and embarrassed that I actually considered doing that.
After all these years. After all those pounds lost so far. And I'm STILL even entertaining doing something like that??!!!!!

Even now, it makes me cry. I wonder if I have changed at all. I wonder if I am just following a "program", yet inside there is no true change.

I once wrote a post (HERE) trying to articulate the differences, as I saw it, in the weight loss experiences of a "smaller" overweight person and a super-sized person (jumbo jet vs cessna). Sure, some things are the same. But some feel different to me.

I started at 460 pounds. The canyons seemed deeper, the mountains seemed higher. Temptation seemed so powerful and hope seemed farther away. Success always felt right around the corner, but just out of reach.

The road, for the super-sized person, can seem soooo long. It's easy to get so very tired of it all. To start thinking compromise. Couched in a "positive" way, of course, like "look how far you've come".  

But it's still settling
Still stopping short. 
Still giving up. 

Still buying into the lie that I've come as far as I can, and it's time to get "realistic" and accept that this is IT.

I'm not sure why I'm feeling so raw today. I am successfully, finally, back on track, after a few days of struggle. I think it's a deep and powerful response to a blog post I read from Holly, HERE. 

After reading what Holly wrote, I cried, and I felt understood. She's lost 240 pounds and KNOWS the long struggle. Also the pitfalls along the way and even after. The pull of that addiction. The way we rationalize our behavior. The guilt over making selfish choices instead of following our faith, and going to God instead of food. All that.

So... I'm not giving up. I pray for help. I pray for mercy. I pray for encouragement. And I feel grateful that HOPE is real and powerful.

Answer my prayers, O Lord, 
for your unfailing love is wonderful.
Take care of me, for your mercy is so plentiful. 
Psalm 69:16



Cheryl said...

Thank you for such a powerful post. I am totally in awe of what you have accomplished thus far. This road is not easy for sure and I know that only too well. But you are pushing through and for that you should be so very proud. I will keep sending good thoughts your way for continued success.

Anonymous said...

Ha. I may have "only" 100 pounds to lose, but I wrote about taking chocolate chips out of the garbage and eating them not too long ago. At the time, I remember thinking that if I ever had any doubt that I was an addict, this proved it.

In my last post, I talked about how having permission to eat more carbs led me down a slope and over a cliff. MargieAnne said the more carbs theory gave her trouble, too. (Although I absolutely DO believe that closer to 100 grams a day is much healthier than below 60 grams. How to accomplish that needs some work for me, yet.)


divad said...

Amazing. Your ability to continue on is admirable. And, I totally get the idea that losing weight is different for someone quite obese as opposed to overweight. I feel that way about people who need to take off 10-15 pounds, instead of 90. I admire you.

MargieAnne said...

Seems we all had some battles this last week or so. I am feeling terrified right now. The number is creeping up and I'm not sure that I'm strong enough to change things this time. Now that we are home I'm going to struggle through today trying to get the toxic mix of sugar and excess starches out of my system. The journey continues regardless of weight to lose and age :)

We can do this with Help from our God or everything we have experienced up to now is a lie. Does your God lie? The Bible says he does not. That's the end of the argument.

We live by faith but .... oh man, sometimes it's so hard.

Prayers and may God hear them..... we are desperate.


Retta said...

Thank you, Cheryl. Honestly, sometimes I question how much I have really accomplished, seeing how long this is taking and that I still have half way more to go. But... on we go, right? Thank you for your good thoughts. I smiled when I read that.

Retta said...

Oh yes, if I was EVER in doubt about whether or not I was "still" an addict, this removed all said doubt.
I do understand about that "permission" to eat more carbs. I STILL have not gotten it all sorted out. Some things I even had to remove from my list, "safe" or not. Too tempting for me still! So unfortunately I really do get that. :-}

Retta said...

How nice of you to say, Divad!! Thank you.

Retta said...

Oh, MargieAnne, so sorry you had battles, too. You are so right, sometimes it IS so hard.
One thought came to mind, though, when I read what you said: "The number is creeping up and I'm not sure that I'm strong enough to change things this time."

I know that exact feeling. I really do. And there is one thing that I have found that works for me. And that is simply that when I am feeling that way (which has been quite lately, actually) I only make ONE decision... and that is NOT TO MAKE ANY DECISIONS about this journey until the garbage is out of my system.

I know that without a doubt it affects my thinking and emotions. It absolutely does. So I just have to wait it out. Wait on the Lord, if you will. I might not always be faithful, but HE surely is!

Sean Anderson said...

Oh Retta, my heart goes out to you. I once got caught eating a piece of pie retrieved from the break room trash can at work (it was protected by its box)--and to this day it's occasionally brought up--and when they throw the pie in my face, so to speak, they laugh it up--like it's one of the most amusing stories ever. You and I know it's not funny, ever. It's real and it's powerful, and scary. I believe we must remember--it doesn't say anything about us other than, we're both food addicts. We're still very much good people, amazing people--who just happen to bio-chemically react to certain substances differently than those who might laugh, point and show disgust. Those people don't get us. Retta, you're among friend's. And we share so much in common, especially an acute awareness and understanding that things are different for people like us. And it doesn't ever make us less than. Thank you for expressing your emotions so vividly, so raw--in taking me there, you remind me how delicate this journey can be and how carefully calculated we must remain in order to enjoy a level of balance so many take for granted--something we can never take lightly. I'm so happy and relieved you're feeling the peace of recovery from this event--and I hope you've let go of the negative dialogue aimed inward, because Retta--you're an amazing and wonderful woman and you don't deserve those negative points. If you were geographically close, I'd make a special trip to give you a big hug--and we would probably cry together. I'll have to settle for a virtual hug. (((hugs)))

Suzanne said...

Giving up is the easy way out and you are strong enough to keep up the fight. Is it a fight? I think so. I have to deal with it every hour of every day so yes it is. When I end up throwing something out because it's too much of a temptation I pour something yukky on top so it's impossible to take it back out. For me it's definitely easier without grains/sugar.

Retta said...

Oh gee, you made me have to get out my tissues again, Sean! Thank you so much for your words. You understand exactly where I'm coming from. And wow, it's hard to believe those people would still bring up the pie incident. But then, they don't realize this is deadly serious, do they?
Virtual hugs right back at you!!

Retta said...

You know Suzanne, you are totally right. Giving up IS easier in the short run. And I even know it's the short run, yet it can seem so tempting! In my past, I used to do that too, ruining the food I had to trash so I wouldn't be tempted to go back later and retrieve it. I wonder... when I "had" to trash the baguette this time to convince my husband I was "okay", if I didn't leave it intact in it's baggie "in case" I wanted it later. Hmmm, because it wasn't really my first choice to trash it in the first place, but felt sort of pressured to do it to convince him, not because I truly chose to do it for my own health. Oh the squirrelly games our minds play!! Well, MY mind anyway, ha ha.

M Pax said...

Food is not really food these days. I understand that overwhelming 'want'. There are certain things I can not buy. Those diet ice cream cones I used to buy, they were like crack to me. Even tho I only had one a day, I spent all day obsessing over it. Giving them up was like withdrawal... yowza.

Keep strong. Remember how good you feel not eating it.

Retta said...

"Giving them up was like withdrawal... yowza." Oh man, Mary, I sure know what that feels like! When I was so sick this last winter, one of the things they wanted me to do was the BRAT diet, mainly bananas, rice, applesauce and toast... the opposite of how I had been eating for years. Even after all these months, I STILL feel like I am in withdrawal. :-O
You are right, it does help to remind myself how good it feels NOT to eat the junk. Now if I'd only always LISTEN to me, ha ha ha

Christine said...

I completely get where you are coming from. It's the internal dialogue that rationalizes the eating. Food is my go to when I have feelings I don't want to have...blurting out my feelings...whether its at the right person, or whether it is in my car in the form of an imaginary argument, keeps it under control for me. The voice telling you to settle is the liar, btw. You know this.

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