Hi Journal & Friends,
Thank you so much for all the nice, kind and understanding words... it means a lot to me. Not one person said "it's only a cat". Dusty was like family, and you all seemed to understand that.
Yesterday was tough. Other than tea and a bite of cheese, I didn't get around to eating til dinnertime. We had salad and bbq ribs. I even weighed my one rib! I was tempted to act like the "old me", and chow down on half the cow, while Jim ate the other half. But it crossed my mind that doing so was not a way to honor Dusty.
I did eat too much of my snack later. I was assembling my homemade Trail Mix, weighing and measuring it out, wrapping them up in portions to keep in the freezer... and mindlessly watching the new V episode on tv. And I munched too much as I did it. My excuse was that I was just tired, drained, and didn't want to count any more for the day... that I would just add it up at the end.
Yeah, right. Famous last words. Do you want to know how fast Trail Mix calories add up??!! Can anyone say 400 extra calories for the day???!! Ouch.
But overall, I feel pretty good about the day. I explained to MyGuy what I had learned from so many other bloggers... that when you aren't numbing your feelings with the food/the drug, that they can sometimes feel INTENSE.
And I reassured him that I wasn't going to pig out all day. Instead, I was choosing to FEEL my sadness. To feel the whole experience... from hearing Dusty meow in a worried tone on the way in; to seeing her a little scared at the vet's office; to staying with her and talking to her soothingly so she would not be alone or with strangers as she passed; to taking her home in her Harley box; to acknowledging her absence in the house.
The "old me" always medicated any unpleasant emotions with food... lots and lots of food. I always made sure I had my favorite stuff available... and had stashes of the really pure "drugs", like peanut M&Ms... or Kraft Mac&Cheese... or various other assorted choices.
If my stash got low, I would get almost panicked, and try to talk MyGuy into making an extra trip to the grocery store. Of course, I hid my stash request amongst "legitimate" items, like milk or eggs or other innocent distractions.
But I didn't do that yesterday. I faced it. And I almost made it the whole day, til I just spaced out and gave in to the tiredness, and forgot for awhile. But when I took the wrapped up Trail Mix to the kitchen to put it away, I caught myself as I opened the fridge, looking for something else to eat. I realized I had "zoned out", and was starting to revert to old patterns.
NO! I can't do that. I won't do that. That was the old me.
This is Life, and we all go through stuff, it's normal. I can't go backwards, not even for a short time. It opens up the door for "exceptions". And I guarantee you, once I tell myself it's okay to make exceptions, I will come up with all kinds of excuses! And that will mess with my head, and chip away at my confidence, and erode my determination.
Anyway, I told Jim I was going to feel the feelings, not eat them numb. And that for today, I was going to cry as much as I wanted, so not to worry. He was very sweet about it... and I think I even saw him get a little misty-eyed himself once or twice.
We can feel deeply... and be okay.
We can experience intense unpleasant emotions... and be okay.
We can hurt... and be okay.
We do NOT need to use food for comfort. It's not worth the trade off. It's just not.
From Dr Phil's book: "There is rarely a time in your life when all is at peace and balance. That's neither good nor bad; it is simply the ebb and flow of how life works. To be alive means to experience emotions, painful or otherwise."
My verse for today: "The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace."
My quote for today: "Let us not be content to wait and see what will happen, but give us the determination to make the right things happen." --Peter Marshall
Soon, I will again be
Enjoying the Journey,