Wednesday, March 31, 2010

DAY 234 The Old Me vs The New Me

Hi Journal & Friends,

Thank you so much for all the nice, kind and understanding words... it means a lot to me. Not one person said "it's only a cat". Dusty was like family, and you all seemed to understand that. 

Yesterday was tough. Other than tea and a bite of cheese, I didn't get around to eating til dinnertime. We had salad and bbq ribs. I even weighed my one rib! I was tempted to act like the "old me", and chow down on half the cow, while Jim ate the other half. But it crossed my mind that doing so was not a way to honor Dusty.

I did eat too much of my snack later. I was assembling my homemade Trail Mix, weighing and measuring it out, wrapping them up in portions to keep in the freezer... and mindlessly watching the new V episode on tv. And I munched too much as I did it. My excuse was that I was just tired, drained, and didn't want to count any more for the day... that I would just add it up at the end. 

Yeah, right. Famous last words. Do you want to know how fast Trail Mix calories add up??!! Can anyone say 400 extra calories for the day???!! Ouch.

But overall, I feel pretty good about the day. I explained to MyGuy what I had learned from so many other bloggers... that when you aren't numbing your feelings with the food/the drug, that they can sometimes feel INTENSE. 

And I reassured him that I wasn't going to pig out all day. Instead, I was choosing to FEEL my sadness. To feel the whole experience... from hearing Dusty meow in a worried tone on the way in; to seeing her a little scared at the vet's office; to staying with her and talking to her soothingly so she would not be alone or with strangers as she passed; to taking her home in her Harley box; to acknowledging her absence in the house.

The "old me" always medicated any unpleasant emotions with food... lots and lots of food. I always made sure I had my favorite stuff available... and had stashes of the really pure "drugs", like peanut M&Ms... or Kraft Mac&Cheese... or various other assorted choices.

If my stash got low, I would get almost panicked, and try to talk MyGuy into making an extra trip to the grocery store. Of course, I hid my stash request amongst "legitimate" items, like milk or eggs or other innocent distractions. 

But I didn't do that yesterday. I faced it. And I almost made it the whole day, til I just spaced out and gave in to the tiredness, and forgot for awhile. But when I took the wrapped up Trail Mix to the kitchen to put it away, I caught myself as I opened the fridge, looking for something else to eat. I realized I had "zoned out", and was starting to revert to old patterns.

NO! I can't do that. I won't do that. That was the old me. 

This is Life, and we all go through stuff, it's normal. I can't go backwards, not even for a short time. It opens up the door for "exceptions". And I guarantee you, once I tell myself it's okay to make exceptions, I will come up with all kinds of excuses! And that will mess with my head, and chip away at my confidence, and erode my determination.

Anyway, I told Jim I was going to feel the feelings, not eat them numb. And that for today, I was going to cry as much as I wanted, so not to worry. He was very sweet about it... and I think I even saw him get a little misty-eyed himself once or twice. 

We can feel deeply... and be okay.

We can experience intense unpleasant emotions... and be okay.

We can hurt... and be okay.

We do NOT need to use food for comfort. It's not worth the trade off. It's just not.

From Dr Phil's book:  "There is rarely a time in your life when all is at peace and balance. That's neither good nor bad; it is simply the ebb and flow of how life works. To be alive means to experience emotions, painful or otherwise."

My verse for today: "The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace."

My quote for today: "Let us not be content to wait and see what will happen, but give us the determination to make the right things happen." --Peter Marshall

Soon, I will again be 
Enjoying the Journey,


Tuesday, March 30, 2010

DAY 233 Goodbye

Hello Journal & Friends,

We said goodbye to Dusty today. 

Last night she changed her sleeping habit. She always spent the night in her own little kitty bed, while Butterfly slept in bed with me. Last night, they switched. For the first time in probably 12 years, Dusty slept all night with me. Another gift.

The sky cried today, and it rained and sleeted all morning, until just before we had to leave for the vet's office this afternoon. Then it cleared up and the sun came out. Another gift.

Dusty was so gentle, sweet and quiet. I think she would smile at her "coffin". Jim found a box that was the perfect size... a Harley-Davidson  shoe box! On the side it says: Step into a legend. That's Dusty... a legend. I think she would find it amusing. Even in hard times, there is sometimes that quirky, funny side to life, ya know?

To the left of the box, out by the fence in the backyard that she enjoyed watching, is the place where we are putting her, in her Harley box.

Goodbye, Dust-o-rama, it's been a joy having you own me these last 16 years.


Monday, March 29, 2010

DAY 232 Like a Litter Box

Hi Journal & Friends,

Today, Dusty wants to share with you some Kitty Wisdom.

A weight loss journey is like a litter box because...

If you ignore what's under the surface too long, there are consequences to pay! will affect the users health might think it's hidden but everyone else can smell it
...if you let it go too long, what's hidden underneath builds up to the surface and affects everything around it

A weight loss journey is like a litter box because...

You can allow "visitor" usage occasionally, but everyone really needs to have their own box, and take care of their own business. takes work, and no one can do it for you and you alone are ultimately responsible for the condition of your box, regardless of what others do or don't do

A weight loss journey is like a litter box because...

It doesn't matter how you "feel", the box needs tending EVERY day, consistently.

...sometimes we can skate by with bare daily maintenance
...other days we need to do some deep cleaning, sanitizing and get some fresh litter in there to perk things up

A weight loss journey is like a litter box because...

It helps to have nice tools, but if you can't afford them, that's no excuse.

...sure it's easier now that I have a strong ceramic scooper that doesn't bend or break on me; but the basic plastic tool will still get the job done; no excuses
...fancy schmancy deodorized litter is nice; but if I can't afford a membership to the Litter Club, that's no excuse; just throw in some baking soda and git er done

A weight loss journey is like a litter box because...

It will cost you to have one. But what would your life be like if you do NOT pay the price to have one when you need it?? might cost you time, money and hard work, but without one the rest of your life would be full of .... well, you know one ever promised taking care of a litter box would be easy, but it will be worth it

So there you have it... Kitty Wisdom. Anyone think of any other ways that a litter box is like a weight loss journey??? Black Kitteh? Orange Kitteh? Patsy? Mary? Ruby? 

We won't ask Deb... she is a...ahem...dawg person.

Anyone else out there owned by a cat??

From Dr Phil's book: "Make time for exercise, then protect that time...No Excuses...Let nothing interfere, absolutely nothing."

My verse for today: "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want."

My quote for today: "There is no one giant step that does it. It's a lot of little steps." --Peter A Cohen

Enjoy the Journey,


Sunday, March 28, 2010

DAY 231 A Gift From Dusty

Hello there, Journal & Friends,

Sunday is my "day of rest", and I usually post favorite photos. I hope ya'll will indulge me as I post some pics of Dusty.

She gave me a gift yesterday... she did something that she has never done before, in the 16 months that we have been living here. 

Remember the post where Jim and I took her on her very first outing to the backyard, as a gift to her, and posted the pics? (HERE) 

Well, yesterday she managed to get herself up to the top shelf of the bookcase in front of my studio window. She nudged aside the little cobalt blue bottles with her bottom, til one fell onto the carpet... um... I moved the rest!

The window looks out onto that same backyard where she had her Big Adventure. She spent the entire day there on that shelf (with a lunch and potty break, of course) looking outside... watching intently... dozing... listening with twitching ears... more dozing... in fact, mostly dozing. :-)

She saw me get my camera, and "posed" for me. She gave me the gift of these wonderful photos that I will treasure. She has a sweet personality... quiet, dainty, decidely feminine and delicate in her manners. Very gentle. So I see this as her gift to me.

I hope you enjoy them, too (can click to enlarge). 

Treasuring these days with her,


Saturday, March 27, 2010

DAY 230 Spring Challenge - Our First Update!

Hello Journal & Friends,

I blinked... the week was gone!! What happened?? It's been a wild ride of emotions this week for me. Up, down, up, down. A roller coaster, for sure.

Okay, on to...
 The Spring Challenge, Week 1 Update. 

Here is a Summary  of The Spring Challenge... it's not too late to join! If you join by April 1st, you will even still be eligible for the prize drawing at the end. :-)

My Spring Challenge goals:

1. Every day for the next 13 weeks, do some kind of Exercise.
2. Every day for the next 13 weeks, drink a Greenie.
3. Check in every Saturday.
4. Tell one thing each week that I like about myself.
5. Save up to buy myself a fun Reward at the end.

My Exercise:
This went harder than I thought it would be... I am not in the habit yet! So, I made out a little chart to follow. No thinkin' about it, or which exercise to do... just glance at the chart, and DO it.
That has helped.

But one of the "down" dips on the emotional roller coaster this week was facing the fact that it's going to take a LOT longer than I had hoped to be able to use my Mini-Clubbells properly.

I've watched the DVD, and am reading the book now. There is a lot more to it than I had realized. I like so much about them, yet have a long way to go. I finally realized that instead of giving in to self-pity, I can use the feelings as MOTIVATION. 

My sweet husband is making me a padded workout bench, and has agreed to set it up in our living room.  I am not able to get up and down from the floor yet, so this will give a safe place to do my stretching routine. 

What does that have to do with the Mini-Clubbells?? To do proper form, which is the basis of using them without injury, I need to get my legs to straighten out all the way. I haven't been consistent with my leg stretching... my excuse was I had no place to effectively do it.  Well, I am MOTIVATED now, and found a solution: the bench. Realistically, it will take months of consistent stretching. So until then, I plan to be very careful and modify how I use the Mini-bells.

My Greenies: 
Yes, got it done. Barely. One day I forgot until about 8pm... I had to give up my evening snack, to "pay" for it, caloriewise.  Another evening, I totally forgot until AFTER I was out of calories. I thought about it, and figured it was more important to get in the nutrition AND the habit, than fret over the 100 calories. So, I'm still not in the habit, yet. 

One thing I like about myself:
I had no idea this one would be SO hard!! Now that I've been thinking about it, I recommend trying this to EVERYONE... it's very revealing. 

Okay, on to my answer for this week:

I have a built-in spell-checker in my head. 99% of the time, I know when a word is spelled wrong. I may not know the RIGHT way to spell it, but I almost always know when it's wrong. I used to edit a newsletter, and this came in handy. That's when I first realized it about myself. 

I always did excellent on spelling tests in school... it must've been from reading a lot growing up?? I did NOT do well on grammar... but I always nailed spelling, no problemo. Not sure if this would qualify as a "talent". Maybe more a side-effect of being detail-oriented... or a perfectionist tendency. Either way, I like it. :-)

So if you see something misspelled on my blog, it's probably because I was in a hurry and it's a typo... ha ha ha... now everyone will be out to catch me. ;-)

 For my Reward: I decided to decorate a glass bear-shaped jar. Each week I will add $5 to it during the challenge, to buy my reward at the end.

I hope everyone had a great first Spring Challenge week... I look forward to reading your progress reports. Remember, we want progress, not perfection.

PS: It would great if everyone left a LINK to their update here (you do the actual update on your own blog, IF you have a wt loss blog; otherwise here is fine), so we could all cheer each other on!

From Dr Phil's book: "Food behavior and exercise behavior are highly interactive... you feel better so you want to do better."

My verse for today: "Be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power."

My quote for today: "If you want to reach a goal, you must 'see the reaching' in your own mind before you actually arrive at your goal." --Zig Ziglar

Friday, March 26, 2010

DAY 229 Friday Funk or Friday Fun?

Hi Journal & Friends,

So... which is it going to be? Friday funk or Friday fun?? This morning definitely started out with me in a funk. Yesterday started out okay, but ended up being kinda lousy.

Not only did I feel bad physically, but ...

I was tired...
I felt slapped in the face by the reality of my limited ability to exercise...
I rebelled at calorie counting and "estimated" the day, only to once again go over...

And, I was sad that it was Time... I had to make that appointment with the vet for next Tuesday to say good-bye to Dusty. Her days are not fun anymore, and it's time to say good-bye, because I love her too much to let her suffer. So Tuesday is The Day.

Yesterday was a tsunami of feelings, and I didn't slow down and process them, or even try very hard to identify them. I allowed them to barge into my home and throw a party! 

Today I feel empty... like they all went home and left my house a mess, and me with a hangover!

I tried to be thankful this morning... I listened to music... but in the end God just bailed me out. :-)

I was going to post a video of the song that busted me free of this "mood", but then I remember I already did! So, I looked it up in my archives and discovered the weirdest thing. The post that went along with that video fit what I was going to write this morning, perfectly! How strange is that?!

Therefore, instead of re-hashing it all, I'll just give the link (HERE)  and for anyone interested, it's all there... the video with the song, the feelings, the frustrations, the same struggles with slow weight loss and our freedom to choose our moods. Sigh. Obviously, I needed to hear my own words again, and practice what I preach!!

I am choosing joy today. I may not "feel" it yet, but I really do have a lot to be thankful for... and so, the journey continues. 

We learn...
We grow...
We continue...
And we hang in there, creating our future with today's choices.

From Dr Phil's book: "If you don't require much of yourself in this area of self-monitoring, your ability to maintain your goal weight wil be weakened considerably."

My verse for today: "My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love..."

My quote for today: "Some people wait for the future to happen. Others create their futures." --Nido Qubein

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