Monday, March 1, 2010

DAY 204 Monthly Weigh In & Total Frustration!

Hi Journal & Friends,

I am so frustrated today, I could chew nails!

Sorry, this is not going to sound all chirpy happy happy... I just haven't been able to muster that up yet. And since I committed to being honest...

I recently switched to monthly weigh-ins, thinking it would be more encouraging. Well.... Phhhttttt... yeah, right. Today is March 1st. My weigh-in was 357. That is UP 6 pounds from last month. I don't know if I want to cry or pound the wall in anger.

I DO know I feel like a phony... hypocrite... fraud...pretender... sham... fake...
I feel like I SAY one thing, and do another. Yet, factually, that's not true. 

Okay, I've decided. I think I will cry.

I don't get it. I just don't get it. I try so hard... I exercise. I stay within my calorie budget. I say no to myself when I dearly want to wallow in the food. And what do I get in return???

If anyone writes a comment to tell me to be patient, there is all the time in the world, I will scream.

That may be true for those of you younger. I am not a spring chicken... I want this fat OFF. I NEED this fat off. I want to have less physical pain. I want to be able to walk around. I want to GO places, DO things. I want my freedom.

And maybe I feel a little scared, too. I am DOING the right things... and yet, not seeing the results. Why?????????

Back to square one. I guess I will go over my program again... later, when I am feeling more energy. I will never quit. I will figure this out... later.

From Dr Phil's book: "Take a problem-solving approach to emotion-provoking events."

My verse for today: "I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope."

My quote for today: "I know what I've got to do. I've got to keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will come up... and you never know what the tide might bring in." --Tom Hanks, from the movie Cast Away.

Enjoying the Journey--not today,



Anonymous said...

Well, girlfriend, you expressed my feelings EXACTLY. Why do you think I didn't write a long post?

I didn't because I was simply too upset to write something that I wouldn't regret. You expressed what I wanted to, but was not sane enough to manage. :) Let me assure you, my post would have been way less rational than yours. (You're just so much more mature than I am.)

Feeling angry is easy, energizing even. It is the fear and despair that is hard. I understand those feelings well. Time is running out and I am so unwell...

When I saw my gain, I immediately thought of you and wondered if you would see a gain, too. We both had health issues this month that required dietary changes, remember. I really do think that's what did it.

I probably only went over my calorie budget by 2000 calories in the whole week (And my budget is 1200-1400 cals a day) which should not have resulted in a gain. You didn't even go over! It has to be the medical nonsense. (I could just spit that I redid the gluten to take that test! I should have left well-enuf alone!)

I don't know why we can gain 8 or 12 pounds in two days and then need TWO WEEKS to take it off, but there it is. The thing is, Loretta, we can only do what we can do. And although I have had several moments today of wanting to ditch this whole thing--neither one of us will.

I may be weepy and discouraged and thoroughly bummed out, but I will not quit. Neither will you.

I'm just sorry that we don't live close enough to visit and cry into our calorie-free iced tea together. We'd be laughing before we drained the first glass. Yes, we would. :D Of course, it may be delirium from the head pounding...


Sean Anderson said...

My friend,

Do not let this get to you. I know you will not let anything stand in your way. I agree...give yourself a cooling off and then assess the situation. You're going to be Ok.
don't cry my friend. that breaks my heart.

My best always

x said...

Maybe you need to shake things up. Your body may be used to what you are doing. so if say you exercise 20 min 6 days a week try two 15 min periods a day 5 days a week or instead of focusing a little on each area during exercise try hyper focusing on only one or two areas per exercise session pushing that area to fatigue and then giving it a break the next day. or maybe most days in your normal calorie range and one day a week 200 higher and one day a week 200 lower. I wish I had a quick fix for your sadness but as we all know in the weight loss realm... there are no quick fixes.

Leslie said...

I feel your frustration, Loretta. And sometimes, crying is a good way to dispense negative pent up energy. Just keep breathing in and out. Regroup, reassess and keep putting one foot in front of the other. This journey is not for the feint of heart. You can do it. I can do it. And we don't have to do it alone. Your commitment to honesty here is going to help you and a lot of others.

Nancy B. Kennedy said...

I'm so sorry. You sound so discouraged. I think our bodies hibernate in winter. I've had a tough month, too. I try to keep in mind that weight seems to come off better, and stay off, in the spring... at least for me.

Debi said...


I feel for you...I've been there...just recently too. I know the frustration all too well. I'm so glad that you say you will never quit..because I know I will never quit too even if I fail 1000 times over...I will die trying to get where I should get where I need to be and I know you will too. And because you are persistant and faithful, you will win Loretta. You will...I promise...what else is there to believe?? I share your frustration...and trust me, it's ok to cry..let it out...stress will keep you fat!
May I suggest one thing?.... Maybe you should go back to weighing in every week, just to keep a closer eye on your you can tweek your regiman if needed. Try new ways of exercise. I know with age our body fights us ten times worse than someone younger..homornal imbalances for us older women are a given and it may just be that.
Keep your chin up..but scream and cry if you need to...then pick yourself back up and move on. You will win this fight Loretta..I have faith in you.
Second Journey

PJ Geek said...

Somewhere up there is the God of Scales--kind of think along the lines of Zeus or Hercules in Greek mythology, but this God controls the scales of all us mortals. He's laughing his arse off at the humans down below who have weight gains or plateaus today and who think we can really control the scale.

Hope that brought a smile. I think your post says exactly what my post would have said if I had written it on Sunday. Not a good day. I didn't binge, but I felt physically sick and emotionally drained.

Today I woke up and said to myself "You have no choice. You have to continue. The alternative would be to give up , eat what ever you want, stop exercising and you would be completely miserable physically and emotionally and spiritually." So I had to look at what were the good outcomes of the last month, what did I learn, what is helping me, what is working. Is there progress in there?

The Biggest Loser always talks about stress and how it can affect the body, and you had a pretty scary medical test this last mont

I completely get your frustration , fear , anger. I pray you get some peace and get filled back up with what you need to keep going.

Julie said...

Thank you for your honesty. It is so encouraging to me while on my own journey.

Hallie said...

Ugh. So sorry. I suppose you'll be going back to weekly weigh-ins now?

Anonymous said...

well shoot. It happens. It happens to me all the time. Usually when it happens to me, its because I am either sneaking in too many carbs (over 30 will cause me to stop losing weight, over 40 and I start gaining) or I am eating too late at night again. Dont worry Loretta just start again and try something new, I'm told different exercises will help pull you out of plateaus.

Christine said...

oh loretta, I am so sorry.
How is your thyroid?
Maybe you could talk to a doctor about it.
That doesn't sound right at all...and if I were you I would be sooooo frustrated too.
Hugs to you.

Patsy said...

At the risk of incurring your wrath, it's a new Month... I've no idea why you gained 6lbs... When I went into hospital about 8 months ago for an operation, I didn't eat a THING for about 4 days, yet when I got home and weighed myself, I was 2lbs heavier than the day I went in? Bodies are WEIRD and I've been known to drop (and gain) 5lbs overnight... I'm sure the weight (and more on top) will be off at the end of this month, but it doesn't make the bitter disappointment of yesterday's weigh-in any easier to deal with...

Hope you're feeling a little better today...

Patsy x

Anne H said...

It comes, it goes, it has a mind of its own.
Please don't let yourself be upset.
This is just a blip on the radar screen.
:D - just a little

Beth said...

Of course, I know exactly how you are feeling, age-wise and all. Which means I don't know a way to offer encouragement because I don't have any answers either. All I know is (and I know you know it too) that I can't get mad and quit. I'm doing the "mad" part now, but I know I can't quit.

You have been tremendous encouragement to me and I, for one, would find my battle a little tougher if I had any reason to believe that you had given up. Because, then I might believe that if you couldn't do it, then there was no hope for me, either.

Hope you're feeling less distraught today, I know all too well how that feels.

The Brown Recluse (TBR) said...

Hi Loretta...
I am someone who wholly and fully knows your pain and frustration. I have no answers, but I know you're not alone, and I want you to know that, too.
I wish I had your grit. Your determination...your guts! At this point, all you can do is shake it off. You know you're doing the right things, God knows, too. Who knows what your April 1 weigh in will bring...I'm betting well over 10 pounds.

financecupcake said...

Oh, Loretta! I am so sorry! You work your tail off, you are doing amazing food-wise, and you are the most positive and motivating blogger I know. If anyone deserves to lose tons, it's you. I can't imagine how frustrated you must be! All I can think is that your body is still in shock over how great you are treating it now. Even though you aren't seeing results on the scale, you are doing wonders for your body and your health. You'll live longer now. You're decreasing your risk for tons of things. For some reason, it's not showing up on the scale. How much healthier are you now than you were a year ago? BIG HUGS!!! You'll always be my weight-loss hero, even when the damn scale doesn't show losses.

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