Saturday, May 26, 2012

MAY 26th Ditching My Bad Habit

I have a bad habit. And I think maybe it's time to ditch it. :-}

I have a habit of sometimes burying things that shouldn't be buried. Feelings, opinions, emotions...

I'm NOT saying we should immediately blurt everything out, with no filter. I don't believe that for a second. 

That's selfish. That's satisfying my own need to "vent" at the expense of someone else.

No, I'm talking about burying what I really think just because someone else has a different point of view. So... I doubt myself,  if I am wrong. 

Um... sometimes it's not a matter of right or wrong... it's just an opinion!!

Example? Okay...

Months ago I got a post all ready. Took photos and everything... had it all written. And then, I read something someone ELSE wrote in some comment somewhere, and shelved my post. I thought... oh, they must be right. After all, they've lost all their weight... they are a success story. They MUST be right and I am wrong.


Maybe part of me was afraid of what these people that I had admired would think of me.

Well, dang it all, I'm done with that. I'm done with burying my own opinions. I'm done with burying my feelings ABOUT their judgements of those who still have weight to lose. They are entitled to their opinion, but so am I! The topic??

In a nutshell, they were criticizing women who post about "food" when they still have weight to lose. 

Yep, you read that right. If you are still "fat", you have no business posting recipes, ESPECIALLY dessert recipes. Even if the recipes are healthy versions, sugarfree, low carb, whatever your thing is. And DOUBLE especially if you are still struggling to reach your goal.

So... I shelved several posts I had in mind, because I was still "fat" and figured these success-story folks must be right.

Well phooey... I'm so over caring what the successes of this world think about what I post! 

Last year I almost perfected a sugarfree chocolate candy bar recipe. And I had a killer sugarfree, glutenfree cookie recipe. And a fantabulous mock low carb potato salad recipe. And a high protein, sugarfree, flourfree breakfast pancake that keeps me full and satisfied for hours and hours. I even had a post about Chatting Chickens.

Yet I caved to the peer pressure, invalidating my own opinion. 

Have you ever gone into a restaurant before you'd lost all your weight, and had people stare at your plate, and watch you eat in disapproval?? I have. Even though I was eating very moderately with healthy choices! It's like they judge the very fact that you are even eating AT ALL. You are still "fat", so of course you have no business in a restaurant... you should be at home living off lettuce, air and toothpicks.

That's what this felt like, the judgement of the Success types. Them thinking that if you are still fat you have no business posting about... gasp... food. And heaven forbid if that food is... double gasp... dessert!!!

Okay, rant over. 

If you are interested, I'll be sharing some of those shelved posts that are about... gasp... food!

In the grand scheme of things, I realize the topic of posting about food is no biggee. But I was thinking about it this morning... so there you go.

Part of my healing now has to do with honoring my own truth, my own point of view, but doing it with love and kindness. And that includes being kind to ME, by not burying my own feelings.

They don't really go away, ya know. They are still there, leaking out under pressure. So, I want to either heal them, change them, or honor them by acknowledging them when appropriate. And I think that's an okay thing to do. About time, huh? :-}

My book quote for today: "But above all, what mattered was this: You don't have to like it, you just have to do it. Stand up, shake it off, and keep going." --Richard Machowicz, Unleash The Warrior Within

My verse for today: "He has caused his wonders to be remembered; the Lord is gracious and compassionate."

My quote for today: "If you're going to tell people the truth, you'd better make them laugh. Otherwise, they'll kill you." --George Bernard Shaw

Enjoy the Journey,


DAY 1013

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

MAY 22nd But... I Was Doing So Well

I wrote this late Sunday night... and I've been debating if I should post it or not. Sometimes I envy those with "private" blogs. 

Then, this morning, I read my email. In there was a wonderful note from an internet friend that was so uplifting and encouraging, and I knew I had to be honest. This journey is not a success-only trip. For me, it's had it's share of stumbles, too.

I temporarily wandered off my yellow brick road... but I think I'm finding my way back now. Anyway... here goes:

But... I was doing so well. 

Famous last words, right?

Had a fascinating/painful experience... fascinating  because my Father was a police officer, then lawyer, then finally federal court judge.

Painful because my Other Half has been on vacation almost 2 weeks. The longer it went, the farther  behind I got in everything.

The pressure built.
It finally blew.  
Hurt feelings... disappointments... old wounds surfacing... old trigger buttons punched.

As I lay alone in bed sobbing my heart out to God, giving him my laundyry list of complaints, I felt met with understanding and compassion. Then, it was like a gentle voice said, "Yes, I agree with you, he DID do all those things. Yes, he WAS guilty of all you accuse him of... Now, argue for the defense."


Like in a courtroom... and I had just argued the case for the prosecution, and now I was being asked by The Judge to argue for the defense.

This wasn't just some "reframing" psychobabble... it was a change of heart-view.

It was hard.

I didn't WANT to see it from any other point of view... I was the injured party here.

But I did... and though it was like pulling teeth at first, slowly I could see another side... and I could also see why it hurt me so bad.

I gave all the arguments for the defense I could think of, sort of reluctantly at first.

But at the end, the Closing Argument for the defense was: Yes, he falls short... but he's doing the best he knows how.

Um... Just. Like. Me.

Eating everything in the kitchen had not helped.
Crying my heart out had not helped.
But looking at him from another point of view... with a changed heart... with compassion and love, did help.

I no longer want to eat everything edible in Oregon, justifying it with "what's the point?"

I at least want to keep trying.
Love is a very powerful thing. A real thing... a permeating thing... a getting down to the root of stuff thing.

I'm healing.
I'm going on.
I refuse to give up.

Not exactly enjoying the journey right now... but getting better,


Day 1009

Sunday, May 13, 2012

MAY 13th Musings on My 1000th Day Since Blogstart

Good morning Journal,

Today I went to China and watched Jeffrey Hessing paint! Well... through the magic of video. :-) 

I adore Jeffrey and his paintings. His love of color and life and beauty. The way he sees and FEELS a painting.

If I had the means and opportunity to take only one workshop in my life, it would be with him as my mentor.

(A detail from my favorite painting of his, titled "Lijiang"; 
the complete painting may be seen Here, 
under Example paintings/China) 

As I watched the video titled Hessing in Hangzhou on his website, showing Jeffrey float along the shoreline painting at an easel rigged up on the little boat, I kind of envied his ability to travel so much. He loves painting on location. Being influenced by the LIFE of his surroundings... absorbing that life into himself and then out it comes onto his joyfully colorful canvases!

Right now, until I gain strength, I spend most of my days in my power chair. I currently can't go anywhere unless Jim is there to help load and unload my chair, and take me. So my life, my world, is here at home most of the time.

But guess what? With Jim and Joey gone camping, it's been quiet and peaceful, and I've gone out into the backyard and just sat, looking.

And absorbing MY surroundings. 
Hearing at least 6 different bird calls. 
Seeing all the spring growth, and the riot of colors in nature. 

Our backyard is huge to me, surrounded on all sides with a privacy fence and many tall trees and shrubs in site. It felt like I was in a park!

And I was overwhelmed with gratitude for this wonderful and beautiful home. 

It was a miracle the way it worked out that we could actually buy it about 4 years ago, with no money down, and I am very aware of how blessed we are. 

Here is my "park", from left to right. (can click pics to enlarge)

We have nice neighbors on all three sides who also appreciate their privacy. Oh, and Joey loves it too, because all three neighbors have doggies that come out to "talk" and play with her through the fence. :-D

Left corner (edge of house at left of pic)
This is where Joey greets a little girl Maltese daily.

Middle of left side; Joey hides her 
best chews behind this huge bush.

Farther down to left corner of yard.

Looking up above the back fence, and
a little to the rt of the little storage shed.

Smack in the middle of the back fence.
Beyond this fence lives half a dozen little
black and white Boston Terriers that race 
around and get Joey totally jazzed every 
day! And if she needed any MORE reason
to be excitable, in that reddish bush, about 
7 feet above the ground, is a birdie nest 
with 3 baby Blue Jays and noisy 
protective Mama Blue Jay!

And this is the rt corner and rt side fence. 
Beyond this fence live 2 HUGE dogs who 
wag their huge tails when tiny Joey bounces
over to greet them every day. So funny!
Even the kitties get to come outside in their
"playpen" and enjoy the grass and sun.

I wish my Mom could have seen my dream home... she would have loved my backyard.

Happy Mother's Day, Momma.


on Day 1000

Saturday, May 12, 2012

MAY 12th A Love Affair!

Hi Journal & Friends,

Okay, sorry. I couldn't resist that teaser title! I just wanted to share what a wonderful time I'm having. 

I've been doing what is popularly called "inner healing" work, and it's been amazing, powerful and surprising. 

And I really feel like I AM having a love affair... with God! In a most glorious and holy sense. I "met" Him in 1975. My life was forever changed... yet I still overate. Many things changed... but not my habit of using food inappropriately.

Over the years our relationship weathered all kinds of storms... the typical highs and lows of life. Yet He was always there for me. Nuthin special about ME... it was Him and His love. He's just that way. :-)

A couple of days ago I stumbled upon a book I read years ago called "The Sacred Romance", by Brent Curtis & John Eldredge. I dusted it off and glanced through it, and was swept back in time to when I first read it. Tears welled up as I remembered the feelings I had when I read it. What an experience! Changed forever the way I saw me, God, the yearning of our hearts, His love for me/us. 

Part of the blurb on the back of the book says: 
"The Sacred Romance invites us to see what God is doing behind the scenes of our lives to woo us to Himself. A glimpse of His wild beauty arouses our desire and puts us on a journey to capture or be captured by love..."

Please... if anyone is open to looking at things a bit differently than normal, this is the book for you. Not churchy or preachy. Simply beautiful! You can buy a used copy on Amazon for 1 penny plus shipping, and it'll be one of the most loving things you ever did for yourself! 

Well... that's not what I had intended to write! LOL!

I meant to say that during this inner healing work, I've felt so wrapped up in Love, and so totally supported by God, and feeling like all shame and guilt over what I did to myself has been peeled away and healed. I feel free from it, totally. And in it's place is this cuddly soft cashmere wrap of Understanding, Encouragement and Love.

Yep, I'm having a wonderful time. I'm following the lessons in a book I recently finished reading. I'm so new to it, that I hesitate to write all about it yet. I'm no expert, that's a for sure! But if there is interest here, I suppose will.

(Joey about to exit her doggie door)

Jim and Joey are on vacation, camping out. Jim called and said it was chilly at night, and that Joey immediately crawled INSIDE the sleeping bag with him. 

So it's all quiet here on the home front. I think that is why I was able to just quiet myself and see some of this breakthrough progess. :-)

(Joey was raised with 2 kitties who like to get up on things. 
I think Joey must think she is a cat!)

My book quote for today: "The true story of every person in this world is not the story you see, the external story. The true story of each person is the journey of his or her heart." --Curtis & Eldredge, The Sacred Romance

My verse for today: "The Lord is God, and he has made his light shine upon us."

My quote for today: "Be like the bird who, pausing on her flight on limb too slight, feel it give way beneath her, yet sings, knowing she hath wings." --Victor Hugo

Enjoy the inner Journey,


DAY 999

Saturday, May 5, 2012

MAY 5th A Launch Party!

Hi Journal & Friends,

I'm excited today to tell you about a fellow Oregonian, M. Pax, who is also a favorite author of mine. Mary was one of the first people on the interwebs who encouraged me when I started this blog. 

And I'm tickled to see she incorporated some of the art I did for her in the book's cover art. If you can see it, the face shimmering in the sky is taken from a painting I did that included an image of Craze, the main character of her book.

I'm so happy I could join her Launch Party for her first book in a series: The Backworlds

The Backworlds is here!
The first story in the Backworlds series by M. Pax. A vision of how humanity might colonize the galaxy some day in the distant future.
The Backworlds
After the war with Earth, bioengineered humans scatter across the Backworlds. Competition is fierce and pickings are scant. Scant enough that Craze’s father decides to hoard his fortune by destroying his son. Cut off from family and friends, with little money, and even less knowledge of the worlds beyond his own, Craze heads into an uncertain future. Boarding the transport to Elstwhere, he vows to make his father regret this day.
Available from: Amazon / AmazonUK / Smashwords / Feedbooks
Other links to more outlets can be found at either Wistful Nebulae or MPax 
The Backworlds is an ebook and a free read. All formats can be found at Smashwords and Feedbooks.
It’ll take a few weeks to work its way down to free on Amazon Kindle. It will also be available on B&N and iTunes. Sign up for M. Pax’s mailing list to be notified the day it does go free on Amazon, and when the book becomes available at other outlets. You’ll also receive coupons for discounts on future publications. NEWSLETTER 

M. Pax’s inspiration comes from the wilds of Oregon, especially the high desert where she shares her home with two cats and a husband unit. Creative sparks also come from Pine Mountain Observatory where she spend her summers working as a star guide. She writes mostly science fiction and fantasy, but confesses to an obsession with Jane Austen. She blogs at her website, and at Wistful Nebuae. You’ll find links there to connect on Twitter, Goodread, FB and other sites.
The sequel, Stopover at the Backworlds’ Edge, will be released in July 2012. It will be available in all ebook formats and paperback.

Happy reading,


Day 992

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

MAY 1st I'm Baaack!

Hello Journal & Friends,

I had a wonderful bloggy vacation! I even restrained myself from spouting off in a post when the urge hit... once. ;-)

As I started to write this, I stumbled upon the "pray for wisdom list" I made back on April 13th. It was for me and 6 others. I have been praying daily, sometimes more than once, for wisdom for us all. But... I had forgotten what I wrote next to MY name. :-O

Here it is:

April 13th, starting to see that I can choose which "restriction" I use as a tool. And if I want to stop counting calories, all I need to do is use "hunger/fullness" signals as prompts and ACCEPT them as my tool to control amounts. That would be all I need to do, just one thing, since I already make my choices from low carb, and don't eat sugar/flour now. Just one thing! How simple. :-)

Yeah right... how simple!! 

Well, on my "blogcation" I didn't count calories... not a one. I really did want to test this "theory". Was I ready for it? Was it too soon? Was I fooling myself? Was I making excuses cuz I was just plain tired of the hassle of counting?

How did I do?

April 1 weigh in: 332
May 1 weigh in:  321

Meaning a loss for April of 11 pounds. 
Pretty good for this ol' dog!

Hey, I think I'm on to sumpthin!! Perhaps I've finally turned the corner. I've done this whole deal long enough to know how, what, why, etc etc, ad nauseam. 

I had to ACCEPT the restriction, and stop fighting it. 

So all during my "time off" from blogging about it, I shifted my focus to my WHY. 

Yes, I did blog a little, but it was at my art blog (here).  I focused on my true passion, my reason for wanting to get healthy and lose this weight. I plan to continue this pattern for the most part, and see if it truly is where I need to be now, where this leg of the journey is leading me. I'm excited!

And this is for anyone who did NOT have a stellar April... hang in there, your time is a-coming. 

My book quote for today: "Find what works best for you. Always remember that you are trying to master yourself, not find a master for you." --Richard Machowicz, Unleash The Warrior Within

My verse for today: "Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy."

My quote for today: "I am still far from being what I want to be, but with God's help I shall succeed." --Vincent Van Gogh

Enjoy the Journey,


DAY 988

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