Thursday, July 12, 2012

JULY 12th Still Here & Forgiving Myself

I wrote this post a few days ago, hesitated... then thought of discontinuing my blog because I was tired of blogging about weight. Seems like I've been talking about it all my my life. I've actually been posting more lately over at my art blog.  

But, this topic was different, and felt important. And whether I like it or not, I'm not done with this wt loss journey. 

However, this last Tuesday before I could get it posted, I had an emotional meltdown over an event that was costing us thousands, all because of me. Thousands we don't have. 

I was sobbing, angry, feeling so full of grief, regret and self-recrimination. I was feeling so horrible that my "fat" was once again impacting our lives negatively...and I asked my husband to forgive me for allowing this weight, this FAT, to poison our life together. 

It's a long story, and he was so loving and sweet. But the one thing he said that stood out above all else, that quieted my sobs, was that even if he had known what he was getting into all those years ago... he would've married me anyway. I can't begin to tell you what those words meant to my broken heart.

I finally realized that the problem was... 
*I* was not done forgiving myself.

 Here then, was the start 
I see now, of that forgiveness 
that I wrote about a few days ago:

I've been reading a book titled 
The Healing Code, by Dr Alex Loyd.

Fascinating book, really. In a nutshell, it's purpose is to help people get to the root cause of their problems. And it puts forth the idea the root of our problems are issues of the heart. And some of these "wounds" happened a long time ago in our lives. We might think "well that's ancient history". But if it's not been truly healed then it's still there, causing stress on our systems and interfering with our bodies ability to function optimally and to keep us healthy, both mentally and physically (that's MY summary, not theirs).

The program is divided into 12 "categories". I've been going through them, one per day. It's a sort of prayer/meditation type of healing work, combined with energy medicine. Hard to explain without quoting the whole book.  :-)

Anyway, the category for last Friday was "unforgiveness". This includes any unforgiveness towards others, God or oneself. I thought since I had already gone through all the categories, it would be no biggee. 

First, I read the "truth statement" I had written for this category:

"In love, I forgive as God has forgiven me. I am learning to see as God sees. I choose to forgive and Let It Go, knowing God will work it out to the highest good of all involved." 

Next, I asked myself if there was anything about this overeating thing in regards to unforgiveness that still bothered me, and instantly the thought popped up: I wasted a lifetime messing around with this! 

It was so strong that I immediately started to cry. I was being honest with myself, and it opened a floodgate.

Then, I said the suggested prayer, closed my eyes and started the work of healing those memories and wrong beliefs (I won't try to describe that... it wouldn't really make sense unless you'd read the book, and I know it sounds weird enough as it is!). As I saw flashes of myself at different ages, it was as though a loving presence was with me, taking me along, giving me a different way of seeing.

And I remembered part of my Truth statement I had read right before I started: "learning to see as God sees".

I felt amazed and humbled, to think that this was the way He saw me.

Me: I saw failure; tried over and over yet never learned; misled, stumbling along, wasting this gift of life being distracted by this weight thing; affected all areas, nothing was untouched by it, all areas of my life--work, play, relationships, dreams, spiritual life, you name it.

God: He saw me with compassion, understanding, kindness, mercy, great patience. And the most shocking to me of all: approval.


Me: I tried and failed over and over and over and over...

God: I tried and failed over and over and over and over... YET I WOULD GET UP, DUST OFF AND TRY ONCE AGAIN. He approved of my spirit, of not giving up, of mustering up the courage to risk the pain of another failure. He approves of that kind of heart!

That is stunning to me. I have never thought of it that way before.

It has nothing to do with being "obsessed" with dieting. I legitimately need to get the weight off. I need to find a way, not give up and just accept it.

The very fact that someone is trying is worthy of approval! And if we don't quit, if we are open to learn and grow and change... I believe we WILL get there.

I forgive myself for not getting there sooner. It's been a lifetime journey. I was a kid, just trying to cope with life the way I had been shown. It's all I knew to do  (as a result, I was put on my first diet at age 10). I carried that behavior on into adulthood, a deeply ingrained habit to use food for more than just nutrition. And yes, I was given wrong nutritional advice. And I paid the price for all that.  I'm still discovering pieces to the puzzle... answers.

I forgive myself. My whole life was affected along the way, but it was not done intentionally. I didn't know any other way. I tried everything I could think of throughout the years. I just kept trying...  

I want to see Myself, my life, the Younger Me, the way God sees me: with compassion, understanding and patience. And I am giving myself the nod of Approval for never quitting. You did the best you knew how, Kiddo. Now you know better and can DO better.

I let go of the disgust at all my past failures to lose weight. I let go of the impatience and frustration and harsh judgements, that it took me this long to change, to "get it". In it's place I offer myself approval and love.

I forgive myself.

As you can see from the opening of todays post, this is an ongoing process. I suspect there is still more work for me to do in this area. :-}

My book quote for today: "As relentlessly as you try, you cannot think one thing and experience something else." --Tommy Newberry, The 4:8 Principle

My verse for today: "I call on the Lord in my distress, and he answers me."

My quote for today: "Never give up, for that is the place and time that the tide will turn." --Harriet Beecher Stowe

Enjoy the Journey,


DAY 1054


M Pax said...

It's a huge step to forgive and accept ourselves.

I'm sorry you've had a rough week. Deep breaths. You've got Jim, you've got love. It will work out and you'll be fine.


Rettakat said...

You're so right. And just when I think I've made progress... blamo! :-}
Jim may have his flaws, but the man sure has the knack of saying just the right thing when it's crunch time! :-D

kristi said...

It is great to have that unconditional love isn't it?

Rettakat said...

Yes it truly is a gift. Makes all the difference in the world.
Thank you for stopping by Kristi!

~Karen C.L. Anderson~ said...

This is a very powerful post...many of us feel so completely separate from ourselves, and thus from God. "God dwells within you, as you yourself, just the way you are." ~ Eat Pray Love

Rettakat said...

It's definitely a process! Thanks for stopping by, Karen, and for your thoughtful comment. :-)

Anonymous said...

Loretta, This post will be tremendously healing for so many who read it. You not only explained the concept well, you were willing to make yourself transparent, and vulnerable, to demonstrate it.

I am so proud to be your friend.


Rettakat said...

Thank you Deb, that means a LOT to me.

Anonymous said...

Wow Loretta! Very powerful post. I think a lot of us struggle with having kindness, compassion and love for ourselves. I am thrilled that you discovered this wonderful book! Hugs to you!

Rettakat said...

Thank you, K. If you haven't already read it, I think it would be right up your alley! :-D

Jules said...

Powerful. Powerful. Power-filled post! and none of it seems weird...going through this process of healing, for me anyway, is like you feel the shift, the opening, move within your body.

Often, we hear we need to forgive but the healing doesn't start until we forgive ourselves....


Diane, Fit to the Finish said...

It is a huge process to forgive yourself - no matter how much you weigh. I'm glad you are finding that book so healing and your hubby sounds like a gem! You have done so well and I applaud you for every step you have taken. Hugs and blessings to you.

Rettakat said...

Thank you, Jules. I knew you'd understand.

Rettakat said...

Thank you, Diane. At first I thought, Okay I've done this--now what's next... then found out I still had a LONG ways to go. This forgiveness thing is also a process, I'm discovering. :-}

Niecy said...

I just got around to catching up on some blog reading. This IS a very powerful post. Sometimes it seems like a roller coaster, but the truth is we are constantly learning along the way. Learning to forgive yourself is a big one. Why shouldn't you? You are a beautiful, worthy, insightful human being. You may have some flaws (who doesn't), but you are able to face them, process what is going on, and move forward. That is BIG.

Be kind to yourself, Loretta. Would you forgive a good friend through their journey? Yes, you would. Sometimes we forget that we can be our own best friend.

I love what hubby told you! You are loved!

carla said...

why why why is loving ourselves and FORGIVING OURSELVES such a challenge?



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