Monday, March 28, 2011

MAR 28th Just Sad

Hi,


If you want to read a chirpy, happy post, please feel free to skip this one.



I'm feeling very sad. My Dad's funeral is on April 1st, and due to the physical consequences of carrying around all this extra weight for so long, I can't go. And it hurts. 

How ironic that the funeral is on April Fools Day. I feel like such a fool. I did this to myself, by all my foolish choices over the years. I looked back over my calendar... and I've wasted so many months, bouncing around basically the same weight since last summer.

One thing I have learned... or AM learning, is that feelings are transient. And even though right now it hurts very much... it will pass. It's like passing through a tunnel... eventually I will come out the other side.

I just don't want to eat over it. I've done that all my life... and look where it got me. Here, crying because I can't attend Daddy's funeral. So... for Daddy, I'll just feel it... and cry... and not eat over it. 

Right now, that does nothing for me, attitude-wise. But I know eventually I'll be glad I did it that way. Eventually.




Loretta
Daughter of Frank Ray Brown
1921 - 2011

DAY 591

24 comments:

Baby Stepping said...

Oh, Loretta, I wish I could give you a big hug! I know how hard this must be for you. But now your Dad is in heaven praying for you! And I will pray for you too! {{{{{{{{{{{{Loretta}}}}}}}}}}

Hugs,
Mary

Dawn said...

I'm sorry, for the loss of your Daddy and for the fact you cannot go to his funeral. Grief is a process and it takes time, so be kind to yourself as you follow this journey - its hard. My thoughts are with you
Dawn

M Pax said...

Hugs. I'm sorry for your pain and your loss. Deal with being sad without heaping blame on top of it. That doesn't help. Look forward and make a plan. I know you will.

Will keep you and your family in my thoughts.

Rae Rae J said...

So sorry for your loss :(

Tricia said...

so sorry for your loss

Chubby McGee said...

I am very sorry for your loss. I just found your blog and this is my intro to you, but...I'm going to send my thoughts and prayers your way.

So very sorry. :(

~Chubby McGee

~Oct said...

I lost my own dad last year at about this time (Jan 27th) and can tell you from my own experience that the funeral is not the most precious last memory. I'm very sorry that you won't be able to go ... I prayed very hard that I would lose enough weight to not feel ashamed when my dad did finally pass (not knowing that it would be only a couple of years after those prayers). I made it there, wasn't ashamed, but I would have been more consumed with grief than shame even if I hadn't lost the weight (I'm still in progress by the way). My thoughts go out to you at this tough time. Think of him and say your own words, relive your own precious memories. *hugs*

Pretty Pauline said...

Dear Loretta! I am so sorry for your loss and your not being able to attend. Prayers going up, and we will get through changing what we need to so this won't happen again.

spunkysuzi said...

"hugs"

dailyseeking said...

Very sorry Loretta; thoughts & prayers are with you!

Absolutely, Positively Josie said...

God bless you, Loretta.

Kimberley said...

Oh Loretta, I am so sorry you are so sad.

I am sending you the biggest, squishiest, lovingest hug you can imagine.

Keep letting the pain move through you...I can only imagine how much you are hurting.

Know that there are people out there you can share the sad with...hugs again my friend.

writingtowellness said...

Not being able to attend the funeral is very, very sad.

Will you do some sort of ritual/ceremony at home to mark his passing? You might find the closure helpful.

I have done the following for important funerals I couldn't attend: send some words of your own to be read; get a videotape of the funeral; hold a brief memorial with friends at my house and tell stories about the loved one around the same time as the regular funeral was going on.
Jan

E. Jane said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, Loretta. It's hard to lose a parent. I understand your sadness at not being able to go to the funeral, but you understand what you need to do. Can you send some special thoughts of your father to be read by the pastor or priest? The best thing you can do now is to take care of yourself. We're here for you.

Sandy said...

Loretta ... I've been away for so long ... and to see that your dad has passed. I know it hurts and I'm sorry for your loss. It really doesn't matter the circumstances or how old they are ... it's still a loss.
I'm glad to hear that you don't want to eat your way through the grief ... it's so self destructive ... I know ... I'm an emotional eater also.
Great big huge hugs being sent through cyberspace to you luv. Remember the good times and keep him always in your heart.
Please know that I am here if you need me.
Sandy

Deb Willbefree said...

I'm so sorry, Loretta. I wish I could say something to help. I cannot.

Ironically, I have the weeps today too. Today is/was my father's birthday. He's been dead almost ten years and I still miss him terribly.

And the weight thing. yeah. Makes it all worse. Unlike you, I HAVE been drowning my grief in food. Nothing like feeling both loss and guilt. Great. Like I said, I understand as much as anyone can who is not you.

As far as our weight loss efforts go, let us remember enough of how our lack of progress feels to push us forward to victory, and forget enough so that our regret does not keep us stuck and hold us back.

Hugs and prayers,

Deb

Christine said...

loretta, I read this earlier but didn't have time to comment properly.
I am so sorry. Big hugs and I will pray for you.
I don't know what to say other than I am sorry.

Karen Elizabeth Brown said...

We all grieve in our own way and mine is to cry for a while and then become analytical about death. I guess I was taught to become detached in nursing school, so I could continue to function. So, when it came to Dad's passing, I cried and now I am sad but not overwhelmed. I will probably cry again, so if you need someone to cry with, I'll be there! If I can help in any way, please let me know.
Crazy post, I know. But who can judge pain and grief?

Ms. PJ Geek said...

Very sad, Loretta. I pray fo you to have strength and serenity and hope.

Scarlet Simple said...

Oh Retta, I am so sorry! I wish I could do something for you. I haven't been here in so long, but another blogger told me you were having a bad time. You might not be able to make it there but I am sure he knows you love him. I wish there was something better I could say.

colenic said...

Hugs to you...bigs ones...

Lisa, motyok said...

It is normal to feel sad, but please don't judge yourself on not having the physical ability to go to the funeral. You are working to get to a better place in your life, and punishing yourself for the past will do no good. I know how you feel, I missed my best friend's funeral over money issues.I just couldn't afford to be there. I know the funeral is not what she would have cared about. The love in the relationship is what matters. It is so clear how much respect and admiration you gave to your dad. That is what matters and you are doing more to honor him via your posts than any funeral could ever do. Hugs, friend.

Joy said...

Loretta, So sorry for your loss! My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Hugs to you all!

'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

I too am sorry about this whole situation for you. I am also so glad to see that you are going to take what little positive you can and go with it. These feelings will get better and you will be proud of the fact that you didn't cave in to the food. Your Dad would be proud!

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