Friday, March 25, 2011

MAR 24th Understanding, Not Blame & The GSSS

Hi Journal & Friends,

I was taught from the time I was a baby to soothe my feelings using food. To circumvent emotions with treats... good behavior bribed with the promise of goodies... to divert attention from hurtful feelings with food (for myself, I am planning another post about those details).

1951 age 7 months

1958 age 7

1961 age 10; taken to the Doctor 
and put on my first official "diet"

1964 age 13

Lest you think I am "blaming" my parents, think again. I have learned this truth: we need to know from whence we come, NOT for the purpose of blame... but for understanding. For understanding ourselves, to help us change. 

These days I vascillate between being embarrassed and ashamed of my slow, pitiful progress... and being grateful that for the first time in my life I have lost weight and actually KEPT it off, in the lost run. I've lost large amounts of weight before... but always gained it back and then some. 

I've kept this graph since before some of you were born, LOL!  I finally saw the pattern, and it was helpful in seeing and admitting how I used food as a coping mechanism, especially during major life events. Hmmm... I've gotta get this journey DONE... I'm out of room on the graph. ;-)
Can click to enlarge, in case you 
want to know all the juicy details 

As the graph shows, the longest I've ever kept it off in the past was 3 years... then the climb began. This time, it's been about 9 years. That's when I started the Dr Phil program in 2002. It's taken me a long time to figure stuff out. Slow, but permanent. I don't recommend "slow". It's just been that way for me. 

This time is different. This time it's not about the food... it's not a diet. Oh sure, I had to find a food plan that fit my physiology. I discovered I am carb sensitive, so a controlled carb approach is fine for me. I can "do" it for life, and by not eating sugar and white flour, the intense, insane physical cravings are gone (wish that was true for the emotional eating part!).

Anyway... for me it's about changing from the inside out. Those of you who have it more together than I do, will have faster progress. I stumble along, discovering and rooting out faulty thinking patterns and excuses as I finally see them. And yes, I know there are more to go... or else I would be at goal already.

I prize self-honesty... yet if I don't even SEE my blind spot, it's hard to be honest about it.

I want to set high goals... to reach for that which I am told is not possible. To change a lifetime of ingrained habits. To reach a place of peace with food. To handle emotions, both good and unpleasant, healthily without needing some kind of buffer to soothe myself... in my case, food. Others use tobacco, drugs, alcohol, etc. Emotionally healthy people (the ones we tend to call "normal", whatever that is) have found constructive ways to go through life handling the tough stuff. I want that, too. 

I get tired of this journey. I want it over. I want to live the rest of my life focusing on LIFE, not recovery from "using" food inappropriately. I don't want to spend what time I have left on this earth preoccupied with this journey and my relationship with food. Sometimes I get tired of the subject, and just don't want to write any more about it. Like... what else is there to say??

So... I have joined Debs Great Spring SlimDown to Summer, otherwise known as The GSSS.  We are just going to give it our all, and see where that takes us. There are 88 days left til Summer starts, as of today. I want to push, to see progress. 

I could really relate to what Deb said about this thing "stealing my days". Yep... I feel that way, too.   This isn't some formal "challenge" or anything. It's a focus, a decision, a chance to bust through and make significant progress. 

I liked how Deb is approaching The GSSS. The idea is to hit it hard, keeping in mind that there is an end in sight... the first day of Summer. I've always told myself "I can do anything if I know it will end." Not the healthy eating way of life... but referring to the hard push. 

If you think you'd benefit from a fresh focus, please feel free to join Debs Great Spring SlimDown to Summer.  No rules... no gimmicks... no prizes... no haranguing or "calling out". Like Mizfit says, we are our OWN Superheroes... we need to be internally motivated. 

The GSSS is a reminder to push hard and see what kind of results you can get from now til Summer!  Wanna join?

From Dr Phil's book: "When you kill time, remember you can't resurrect it."

My verse for today: "All things are possible with God."

My quote for today: "Decide what you want, decide what you are willing to exchange for it. Establish your priorities. And go to work."  --H.L. Hunt

Enjoy the Journey,


DAY 588


Beginning Anew said...

This may be one of my very favorite posts of yours. i guess I relate to it. I am not at the same place you are (wish I were - but with a new job, I have to remain focused on that right now and do the best I can with the other). BUT, YOU sound thoughtful and serious - neither too excited or down on yourself, just right in the middle. Full of good resolve and more than anything else - honest with you. I like that. I need that! Great post!

Anonymous said...

Haha! :D Well, thank you, Loretta!

If I had read your post before I wrote my own for today, I may not have had to write it! I even quoted you saying the quote you quoted yourself with in this post. lol. Could I use "quote" one more time? I bet I could. snicker.

I copied and pasted my purpose for the GSSS from the initial announcelment to remind myself of what you just said here. I seem to be programmed into thinking that 1200 calories is the mark I want to hit. (And that may be LOW for some, but we're each individual with that.)

Right now for this GSSS, 1200 cals is the easy way--the expected way. The GSSS is suppopsed to be a PUSH--as you so succinctly put it.

Apparently, I'm having a mental block with the concept of pushing hard! :o

Thanks for teh pep talk. :D

You know, re: food to soothe. I've been thinking about that...and me. I would not accept or allow myself to go get drunk every time I experienced emotional pain. No matter how great or unjust. I would not. I do not. Yet, I do excactly that with food and somehow let it happen. I keep trying to remind myself of that. You did a great job with that message, too!

Onward and forward--It's Friday now, but summmer...ahhh, Sunday's...comin'. :D


Christine said...

I wish I'd kept a graph...It really is a great way to spot patterns. Good luck on your hard push!

Buttercup said...

I'm in. I know what I need to do and I just need to do it. Glad for the encouragement and company.

Joy said...

Loretta, Keep pushing through! I would have loved to blast through this journey and get my weight on in a couple of months. That would be great....but I did not do that. It's taken over a year, to lose 50 pounds, and I still have 60 pounds to go. Was that time lost for me? No!!! I learned so much about myself, I have a lot of information that will help me keep this weight off forever. I have learned how to exercise and not hurt myself. I've learned to push through the hard stuff. I learned to stretch and grow. Plus I've gained new friends and an awesome support group to help me through the tough stuff. Time was not lost!!! Just do what you have to do, stay focused and reach for your goals!! You can do this!!!

'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

What a lot of insight you have to share. There's a lot I have realized in the last 2 years that would have saved me at least 15 years of heartache. Like the fact that when I would get those dramatic phone calls from relatives, I would promptly work my way through the kitchen eating everything in sight... Oh the things we would not have put ourselves through if we had only noticed what was happening. But I am grateful too... for having seen it before I did real irrepairable damage to those I love the most instead of just to my body. My body has been fairly forgiving, but the relationships don't fair as well when we don't think before we just stuff all those feelings with food, I have found. Deb's challenge sounds good. I will be getting back into my 5k mode for the Spring and working on getting more toned. Good luck with your goals. I know you can move forward with this!

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