Wednesday, January 19, 2011

JAN 19 Tuesday's Real Post... A Day Late

Hello Journal & Friends,

Like I've said before... the things I write are just things I want to read. 

Yesterday... I was tired of "serious". 
Yesterday... I just wanted to run away from serious. 

I didn't want to face something that I allowed to hurt me deeply. So, I drew a cartoon, and grazed my way through the day and through hundreds of extra calories. Knowing what to do does not equal DOING it. That takes choosing.

If I had written the following, maybe I wouldn't have chosen such a dumb thing!

So here is yesterday's post... a day late.


Some of the deepest hurts I've experienced came from unexpected sources.

Some of us tend to go through life wearing our protective clothing... armour to keep us from being hurt. 

Oh, on the outside we smile and are friendly. But we don't like too many people getting too close, because of our past experiences with what can happen when we let our guard down.

Time goes along, and we relax. We are in a place, a group, a setting, where we feel safe. We let our guard down. And WHAMMY!  We get it. And because we weren't expecting it, we didn't even duck or put up an arm to deflect the blow. We just get it full in the face, so to speak.

And it hurts deeper, right to the core. Because we felt betrayed by someone we trusted, or a setting, or a group. Then we feel foolish for being idealistic, for being credulous, for expecting too much from flawed humans. For we are all full of flaws.

(can click pic to enlarge)

This oil painting, done when I was 15 years old, was the first painting of mine that was ever framed. My Mom looked at it, and recognized it came from my heart. And she drove me to downtown Los Angeles, to Aaron Brothers Framing, and had it professionally framed.

The framer oohed and awwed over it... the emotion, the rawness... then asked her who the artist was. She said it was her daughter, and introduced me. And when he looked me up and down and saw this overweight teenager, his whole demeanor changed. I will never forget that. And no, it was not my young imagination.

But *I* knew. I knew I had something inside that others did not see. They were stuck with the outside package, and most people couldn't see past it. And I've had that all my life. And it's chipped away...

Now I believe with all my heart we are all like treasure chests, full of untapped treasure. 

(detail from "Treasure", 
one of my paintings 
from a few years ago)

Others won't open us and bring it forth... that is up to us to do. No one will do it for me. It's MY job. 

To do the work. 
To dive deep. 
To believe in me. 
To open up and RISK being hurt. 
To have the courage to put my heart out there. 
To believe that I have something of value.

We need to be celebrating who we are, not who we are not. We need to be encouraging each other. 

You may be on a different road than I am, but we are all trying to reach the same destination:

To improve our lives 
To get healthier 
To live our best lives 
To reach our fullest potential 
To grow, to give, to celebrate life!

And that's all I have to say about that. ;-)

From Dr Phil's book:  "Deal breaker... your weight will never be lower or healthier unless and until you stop emotional overeating."

My verse for today: "Who is a God like you... who pardons sins and forgives... you will have compassion on us."

My quote for today: "The greatest deception men suffer is from their own opinions." --Leonardo da Vinci

Enjoy the Journey,


DAY 524


Anne H said...

Awesome and beautiful -
that story about the picture framing got to me....
And wow!
Loretta - the armour -
Never ever could your blog be about "a dumb thing."
So whoever (or whatever) hurt you so...
The many many slings and arrows of outrageous fortune....
There will be a thousand million little hurts along the way!
Perhaps a gentle forgiveness is in order.....
forgive ourself for ever doubting our own worth!
We really only ever forgive ourselves.

Anne H said...

Looking back on my comment,
it sounds "preachy"
but my feelings are profound!
I just can't find the right words...
except to say that "It's all good!"

Sheilagh said...

Oh Loretta,

What a post, you got me more than once.
With the framer's reaction, I know that so well.
The raw pain of being hurt by someone we trust.
The verses and the quotes, hit me in the heart.



Jules - Big Girl Bombshell said...

And saying that is just enough! My heart is jumping, beating, oh those words...ME TOO!

Anonymous said...

Such a WONDERFUL post, Loretta. I couldn't agree with you more. *BIG HUGS* And your art is simply beautiful, my friend.

Leslie said...

Beautiful post Loretta, and very courageous. You touched a nerve in me for sure. Your art is amazing.

I could literally feel the guy's demeanor change when he looked at you after asking who the artist was. I believe it because I've experienced it. How we let some ignorant stranger or anyone outside of ourselves tell us who we are is a strangely human phenomenon. But thank God you already KNEW who you were, even though he derailed you. Hugs and love to you -

Anonymous said...

This was beautiful, Loretta. Touching, heartfelt,tender, honest and sincere.

It's no surprise that I have also seen the looks that judged me and found me wanting. Have put on the armor that held my arms stiffly out to keep people at a distance. This post is going to touch most who read it.

And, girlfriend, you showed a generosity of spirit in this post that few will realize--but God knows and will bless you for it.



Oh! And the painting you did at 15. I love that. The good news and the bad news is that I recognize the pathos exprressed in the piece.

Good because without that familiarity, i may not have been so open to Jesus. And I've used that memory in my work often. And the bad? Well, you know the bad.

That is a painting I would have hung in my counseling office. It cuts right to the heart of the matter.

Anonymous said...

Oh! ONe more thing. :) Love the Dr. Phil quote. It is the absolute truth--and it's the truth that's been hitting me between the eyes for weeks.

The emotional eating--that is the issue for me. I do not eat large amounts of food at meals. I am one who self-medicates with food in response to emotions. Conquering that is what I need to focus on.

Uh-hmmm. So, I guess that means that we DON'T NEED that piece of chocolate, huh? sigh.


Julie said...

Thanks for sharing Loretta. I have one of those hurts I can not get rid of. Try as I might it comes back often to visit. It was a daycare parent that was a single mom and she needed me. After a few years of me doing as much as I could to help her get "over him", get through college, let her kids live here, and lots more one day out of the blue she called and said "I have hurt her to much by "helping" her to much and that she hates me, her kids hate me and that they were leaving". I have yet figured that one out and how can you help someone to much when they asked for the help? Anyway to this day I still worry about them, I worry if I'm "helping" my daycare parents to much. Why am I telling you this? I haven't a clue because it's making that lump in my throat come back. Gotta go.
Take care and have a blessed day today.

Sugar Bush Primitives said...

Ah, yes. We put labels on boxes so we don't have to open them to see what's inside. Unfortunately we do the same with people. I wish I could give that 15-year-old girl a big hug. I think I will.

WWSuzi said...

I have no idea what to say except wow, thanks for this post!

Christine said...

I am sorry that you were hurt, both now and by the framer dude. Too bad you didn't have the wherewithal to tell him thank you for being one of the people who helped you to paint it.
Hope you get the other sorted. We are all on different journeys. NO one has a right to judge the road you are on. We can only deal with our own. Hugs.

Anonymous said...

I love your blog and your art, Loretta. They speak to the deepest part of my soul (and I like that). It does bring up feelings too. Yeah, I've been burnt before and I wish that I had a quit wit like Christine, but I don't. Unfortunately the judges are all around us - even on the internet. I heard something on Oprah once that I have kind of adopted, "My heart is open. Come sit in my heart." But if I get burnt - oh, then I am cautious, but I don't want to cut out the others that I trust with my heart. Love you, Loretta. You have no idea how you effect me - and for that, I thank you.

Patsy said...

Please post what you're feeling when you feel it... We're all here for you. x

'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

So sorry for your pain, Loretta. So glad that you shared. You just never know when what you are experiencing will profoundly affect others in a positive way. You do that often for me and I thank you.

M Pax said...

Your painting is so powerful. Up there with "The Scream", which remains one of my favorite pieces of art of all time. You've captured that same raw emotion.

There are a lot of jerks out there and a lot of angels and people who touch our lives in a positive way. Concentrate on the latter - the good over the bad.

Sorry you are hurting. Hugs. Always. Forget the armor and get out the lance. Never let anyone take your worth. Never.

Karen Elizabeth Brown said...

I believe that to everything there is a season... and yesterday you weren't ready to make this post so don't apologize for what you did post.
Today you took your armour off, again, and shared yourself with us. That took courage to pick yourself up, dust youraelf off and keep going. But isn't that what it's all about? One step at a time? One day at a time? Today!

Retta said...

Thank you everyone for such touching comments! I'm a little verklempted! I keep reminding myself to focus on all the Angels out there, like Mary said, not the jerks. :-)

JULIE: I know how it feels to have a wound you thought you had dealt with, yet it pops up later, again and again.

That's why I didn't want to keep ignoring this one, and let it fester. I needed to work it through. In Dr Phil's book The Ultimate Weight Solution, he talks about us needing to heal our emotions, in order to make progress. And he talks about MER... minimal effective response. What's the least it will take to effectively get emotional closure. Different for everyone.

He said we need to address the issue, get closure, then slam the door shut so we don't get it coming back again and again, causing repeated pain, and driving us to want food to soothe it.

It's not revenge, or plotting against anyone, or letting them have it. It IS satisfying our need to address it, for getting emotional resolution without creating a whole new set of problems. That's why I didn't go into WHO or WHAT in my post today. That was not the issue... the issue was ME, and how I reacted to it. No one MADE me feel anything. It was my response, and a hurt I had to deal with.

And working thru it and seeing that, and realizing my worth, putting it in perspective, remember why I'm here and my priorities, helped ME. And didn't hurt the other person... I had to let them go, and actually pray a blessing for them (which at first I did with gritted teeth!!).

Anyway, we don't need the involvement of the other party to get closure. Sometimes I do something symbolic... like write a letter, that never gets mailed. Or a post. Or some other thing that is meaningful only to me. Or sometimes forgiveness is the key. Or to confront an abuser. Or to visit a graveside, and say something... you get the idea. It's individual.

When my Mom died, my sister and I attended a quilting class together! We spent time doing a simple thing.. reminisced.. I picked out funny fabric that made me smile... and it helped with healing and closure.

Julie, you gave of your heart, then felt unappreciated, used and trampled on... and it keeps coming up. So maybe you could think of a way to get closure... what is the minimum it would take to heal the wound, and put it to rest?? Learn from it and go on??

I hope you find a way... you sound like a very generous person.

Joy said...

Loretta, You have a precious and tender heart!! I am sending you a bazillion hugs your way!!!

Take care of yourself and stay focused on your plan!

Anonymous said...

I can relate, you've carried so much pain for so long. Reminders of that pain can spiral us back down where we need comforting and for me that always means food. I've gained 13 lbs since my grandma died and its not because she died. I was the onky one (again) at the funeral, faking sadness.

No, its because of my dad and having to talk to him weekly. I just cant do it anymore and i am viewed as bad by family bevause in their eyes he's "old" and "changed" all the while im having nightmares.

Did you get my email?

The Merry said...

Love this post!

Related Posts with Thumbnails