Thursday, January 13, 2011

DAY 518 Working Stuff Out

Hi Journal & Friends,

Late getting this written... back from another doctors' appointment, where I got the go ahead for more minor surgery on my hands... right one this time... next Thursday. Yippee, more fun.  But the good news is, he said of the 12 cysts on my hands, most of them probably will NOT need surgery. Scar tissue from being infected and cut open to drain will sometimes destroy the cyst capsule, and it can't get infected any more. Therefore, no need to bother with it. Yay to that!

In other news... been having a hard couple of days. Painful, emotionally speaking. Don't really feel up to explaining it all... I'm still working it out. 

Bottomline, when I faced--REALLY faced--how I felt about turning 60 on Saturday... I was crushed that I was STILL fat... that I am still not there. It's a long story... but this has gutted me. 

I'm finally past the insane screaming in my head to run away and stuff my face... I didn't, but I wanted to soooooooooooooooo badly. 

Instead, I finally decided that I might as well face it. I knew "something" has been bugging me,  but I didn't want to explore it. 

But... it wasn't going away... come on, Loretta, it's not going to kill you to face it... you've been running from emotional pain all your life and where has THAT got you... just sit with it awhile... you'll survive... go ahead and feel it... cry... listen... cry some more... listen to all the thoughts... you don't have to agree with them... you don't have to "adopt" them as your truth... be honest and admit which of them are ALREADY your personal truth and are the culprits as to why you are reeling over this... you've asked God for help... now listen and watch for an answer... cry some more... listen some more...

And whaddaya know... it took awhile, but I actually, eventually, got some answers, some insights. And it didn't kill me to NOT comfort myself with food. I'll talk more tomorrow when I don't feel so exhausted over this. 

Here is one of the things, a mini-movie, that helped to open my heart and thinking, to remember that what I believe as my own Personal Truth will shape my life, my world. 

And if I will just be open to letting go of the past and it's regrets, that there can be good to come... to be open to new possibilities. But I can't reach my hands FORWARD to take hold of my future when I am still reaching BACKWARDS, holding on to regrets and "what might have been". I want to Let It Go...

It's long... a whole 20 minutes out of my entire life...oh dear... ;-)

It was a powerful, beautiful and touching little mini-movie, that brought my racing mind back to a place of calm, and helped me tell myself NO, I will not go eat... just sit here and watch, there is something for you in here... look for it.

And there it was.

Here is a quote from The Butterfly Circus 
that touched me deeply, seeing as how it found me at this low point:

"The greater the struggle, 
the more glorious the triumph."

If you need "help", I highly recommend taking 20 minutes out of your busy life, and click on this link, taking you to the mini-movie "The Butterfly Circus". You'll be glad you did, I promise you.

From Dr Phil's book: "This personal truth as it relates to your weight, and indeed to your entire life, is vitally important, because if you believe it, if it is real to you, then it is for you the precise reality you will live every day."

My verse for today: "You hear, O Lord, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry."

My quote for today: "Do all you can with what you have, in the time you have, in the place you are." --Nkosi Johnson, South African boy, died of AIDS (1989 - 2001)

Enjoy the Journey,



Anne H said...

That might be one of the best 20 minutes of my life.
Thanks for sharing it, Loretta!

Jules - Big Girl Bombshell said...

Ah...Me TOO!

Anonymous said...

As soon as Kenna leaves for home, I'll watch that movie. Thanks.

You know, age has never bothered me. When people used to aske me how old I was, I'd just kind of round the number up becasue it was easier. (I don't know why I thought it was easieer.)

No, my age never bothered me UNTIL I turned 58. I don't know what kicked in. Maybe the wrinkles that were exposed when some of the fat left and the droopy skin. Yes, as I think of it, that was it. I had never looked my age I look older.

It's been hard. I understand. It's not vanity primarily, it's the realization of mortality and limited time and... well, you know.

Hugs, girlfriend.


Anonymous said...

Shoot, Loretta, I hit publish and started to cry. sigh. I guess I've been avoiding some feelings about my new age, too.

Just wrote a post--not a word in it about age. Not a word. Been looking the other way--on purpose. Now I'm crying. sigh.

I think on it when Kenna leaves.


Shelli Belly said...

We're even more than what we believe about ourselves. Thank You for sharing this video.

Julie said...

I haven't taken the time yet to watch the movie but I will.
I'm glad you took the time to listen to yourself and find out what God is talking about. He's there, always but sometimes at such a low whisper it takes some major quiet time to hear him.
Take care Lorreta and have a blessed evening.

Karen Elizabeth Brown said...

Working through stuff is a lonely battle because no one can do it for you. But when you are done, the joy it produces is the strength to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move forward.

Polar's Mom said...

Wow, based on your pic I didn't think you were a day over 50 or so. Probably not what you wanted to hear, but hey, 60 is just a beginning, and you are getting there!!!

Polar's Mom

Anonymous said...

I agree with Polar's Mom. I'm turning 50 this year so I'm right behind you :-) You are strong, Loretta and I know you'll work through this. Feel better ((hugs))

Christine said...

I realized last year...I mean really realized that someday I would be dead. dead dead. no nothing. No more sunrises and no more sunsets, no nothing. I tried really grasping that and I felt a huge void open up inside. But then realized I do believe in God, and that it isn't the end, just the end of what I know. And if the atheists are right and there is nothing else on the other side...then I won't know and it won't bother me. I will be as I was before I was born. I hope you can work through this and come out feeling good about it.

The Merry said...

I agree with Polar's Mom. I looked at the post, looked at the picture to see if maybe it was dated a decade or so ago, then looked back at the post.
Damn, woman! You must have been doing something right to look this good :)

Beth said...

Ditto on the age thing. Not just turning 60. But turning 60 and still overweight. I haven't even been able to change my heading from "fifty something" yet.

Anonymous said...

Oh, Loretta ... I certainly understand. *BIG HUGS* That happened to me last August when I turned forty. I was so emotional over it, I packed my bags and left home for two solid days just so I could cry in private. It was awful, BUT it will get better, my friend. Hang in there and be strong. Sending prayers to you.

M Pax said...

What a wonderful mini movie! Thank you for sharing it.

Sorry you've been feeling low and pained. Was just about to poke you because you've been 'quiet' this week.

Happy Birthday! Despite your feelings about it. It is just a number and a date. Focus on being grateful for how much closer you are now than you were. Maybe that will cheer you?

I understand disappointment and roads taking longer than we'd like. I can tell you that if you keep at it you'll get there. Then how long it took and the fact you didn't reach it by some arbitrary date won't matter. All's you'll see is the triumph of getting there.

If it means anything, I honestly believe you will get there. I do. Even when you don't, I will. :)

I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers for your surgery next week.

Rettakat said...

Thank you so much, Everyone, for such kind and supportive comments. It always means a lot to me... but when you are particularly down, it seems to touch deeper, ya know??

Polars Mom, Darla & The Merry: You guys cracked me up! :-D
Oh yes, there IS a secret to looking younger than the calendar... just make sure your facial skin is all plumped up with... wait for it... FAT!

Uh huh...that's the trade-off. Lose weight and lose the "filler" under the skin, so that the TRUE appearance of your skin appears. It's just a fact of life.. and one I knew from the start of this journey, so I've had a long time to come to peace with it. Not that I have to LIKE it!

But... I heard Dr OZ yesterday say that eating coconut oil helps to fill in the craters under the skin, to smooth out the appearance of wrinkles! And I slather it on top, too. :-) Well, if Dr Oz said it's true, it MUST be so, right??? ;-)

Thanks guys,

mamajuliana said...

I turn 50 this May. My grandmother died at 49, my mother at 48, my sister at 49...

I can't wait to hit 50!

Thank you for posting the link to the wonderful! We are going to watch it a work on Monday!

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