Wednesday, September 1, 2010

DAY 384 New Month & Feeling Loved

Good afternoon, Journal & Friends,

September... a shiny, fresh new month! I like the beginnings of new months. For some reason they represent to me new chances, hope, a chance to make new progress. I celebrate new months!

And that's a good thing, since I do my weigh-ins on the first of each month. And this time, it wasn't pretty: 335. Ouch, that's up 5 pounds.  I am paying for last week. I ate maintenance portions of on-program food. That is NOT the way to lose weight. I know I didn't eat 5 pounds worth of extra calories, and I'm puffed like a toad... so hopefully the damage is of the "temporary" kind... think whoosh whoosh. ;-)

Nevertheless... I am feeling optimistic about this new month, and my new schedule. I am excited about finally giving priority to things that are important to me, instead of just wishing and dreaming and hoping. I want to DO.

I read somewhere recently that when our actions don't line up with what we say is important to us, there is discontent. Well do I know!! So I am working to get my time management priorities in line with what is in my heart.

Not just surface goals and short-term commitments. I mean in line with my deepest values and beliefs. Long term stuff. So that all my little choices here and there throughout the days, weeks, months, will finally be taking me in the right direction and not side-tracking me with meaningless minutiae that ultimately didn't amount to a hill of beans.

 My deepest values and beliefs revolve around one sentence: to learn better how to love God and love others.

Now, HOW I do that is the biggee. That's what I am searching out now. I know part of it:
Create art that will make a difference, not just for my ego or my pocketbook... to be a blessing to others.

To be the person I was created to be means I must choose to get healthy. To choose LIFE. 

When we make a choice, by default we are choosing the consequences that come with that choice. When you pick up a stick by one end, you have also picked up the other end, whether or not you realize it.

For years I didn't get that. I didn't understand that when I chose instant gratification using food, or to escape reality with the food, I was also choosing the consequences. 

I am living those consequences NOW. The consequences of the "morbidly obese". It affected health, mobility, relationships, finances, and even my relationship with my God. I mean, it's hard to come close to God when you feel embarrassed or ashamed... at least it was for me.

I had to get over myself! Folks, let me get "preachy" for a split second, okay? (You can forgive me afterwards, LOL!). 

God's love is not conditional. It's a free gift. Even when I was busy goofing up, He still loved me. It was ME that drew away, and felt ashamed. That was just my pride, thinking I didn't measure up.

Well, guess what? I will NEVER "measure up" enough to earn that love. It is freely given, not earned. So I had to lay down my pride, ask forgiveness, and just accept it. 

When I did that, I also realized that God was FOR me, not against me. That He really did want to help me, and would be my source of strength, my Rock on this journey back to health.

That was such a liberation! I'm not talking about "Buddy Jesus" (thanks Chris, for that one). I'm talking about the Creator of the universe actually being interested in my life. That is an amazing and wonderful thing! 

I understand that not everyone has the same belief system as I do. But I'll be honest: I wish ya'll did. :-D

Because then you'd know how healing it is to be loved that way. It's the most wonderful thing... something for which I am so thankful.

Okay, sermon over. Forgive me?  ;-)

I guess I am just feeling particularly thankful today, and cuddled in Love. Don't know why... but it's nice.

Today's Peek at the Past (Oh my... it did it again. Talks about the origins of my dysfunctional relationship with food, the consequences, and how God rescued me! This is starting to make me think I am redundant, with nothing new to say!!! :-O)

From Day 23, September 1, 2009:
I learned from an early age to use food for everything...mad, sad, happy or glad. ...On and on...Bottomline, food and I had a dysfunctional relationship!...

So why did it "click" now?? I am not sure. I am not sure I can even take credit for it. I know I did a lot of praying...more like begging, actually....

Everyone must find a source of Hope for themselves...for me, it was God....

If it is a Gift, then I am grateful. I know that wishing, hoping and begging are not enough...BELIEF must be added, and ACTION....and EFFORT....and WORK....and ENERGY. 

Change is hard in the beginning, at least it was for me. BUT IT GETS EASIER IN TIME...if you just never quit.

(For complete post "Question Two & Melody " click HERE

From Dr Phil's book: "Demand nothing less than the best of yourself and for yourself."

My verse for today: "Your love, O Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies."

My quote for today: "Without art, the crudeness of reality would make the world unbearable." --George Bernard Shaw

Enjoy the Journey,



Ann (-6.5 lbs in 60 lb challenge) said...

What is distracting you these days, Loretta? You have terrific insight, but are you making yourself a priority? You've been hovering just over 50 lbs lost (from your restart) for most of the summer. Do you feel it is something you are doing / are not doing? Or is it just a stubborn plateau? Your loss is nothing to sneeze at, to be sure, but I'm thinking you need to change up something. I was so hoping to see some forward progress from your scale today! You have all the enthusiasm in the world, but something isn't translating ... tell that scale you mean business! xxox

Anonymous said...

Lovely, heartfelt post, girlfriend. I, for one, enjoyed it immensely. I suppose that doesn't surprise you, since you know that He also carries me. And--no matter what the scale says--when He undergirds, joy arises. :) Deb

Rettakat said...

DEB: Thank you, I appreciate that more than you know.


APR 1 2010.......350/ -7
MAY 1 2020......338/ -12
JUNE 1 2010.....336/ -2
JULY 1 2010.....338/ +2
AUG 1 2010......330/ -8
SEPT 1 2010.....335/+5

Anyone who has read my blog for very long knows I make no secret of the fact that I lose slowly, I bounce around, and I am not perfect.

I am not ashamed of my progress. I wish it were FASTER, yes. But I don't want to make excuses. I already said I ate maintenance portions last week. It was a choice, and this week I am paying for that choice. I count calories, and so can know I did not eat an extra 17,500 calories. I can't always explain it. It is what it is.

Yes, I was distracted from the "creating a caloric deficit" part of this journey, in that you are right. But I am totally engaged in the "straightening out my priorities, thinking, goals, and time management" part of it, and pushed at that until I finally had a breakthrough and could recognize and let go of my fears and make some major changes.

For me, it felt like a very productive time! If the only criteria I used to judge my performance was the Scale, then I would be condemned as a Failure and a Phoney, and be sentenced to beat myself up and slink off into oblivion.

But guess what?? I gave up perfectionism a few years ago. I know I screw up... quite regularly. But I am determined to learn and grow and keep trying to make progress.

I also know one of my weaknesses is that when I am nearing a breakthrough in one area, and working hard on it, I do tend to neglect other areas. It is a flaw I am working on. So far, I tend to catch it AFTER the fact. I am hoping to learn to catch it sooner.

Thank you Ann, for caring enough to ask questions. Some people would just write me off as a phoney, and disappear.
You didn't do that, but asked questions that made me think. Thank you.


anne h said...

The stick metaphor:
You can only pick up one end, but you will just proceed to walk around in circles! The other end will just anchor you down. Lots of movement, without really going anywhere!
Good stuff!

Jules - Big Girl Bombshell said...

Loretta...I love this...Faith and belief is individual and NO ONE should apologize for what they believe in...Your plan to start living WILL change things... The thing I have found most important this year is when I declared my motto for this year was I LIVE...I stopped holding myself back and I MOVE! Yes, I am on an eating plan, and I am creating an exercise plan...BUT I have learned to incorporate it in ways where I feel I am living my life...not just an exercise or a count.. You do what you need to do for you! And I just want to add...once I committed to me and taking care of me...well...things start to come together.

cmoursler said...

loretta, i do exactly the same thing. I tend to focus with laser like intensity on one area and if I manage to tread water in other areas I count it a victory. I know you are conservign energy...I had to pass some questions on from Robin so I chose you.
There are three and I would be interested in knowing your answers...especially on the God questions.
So, if you have time that's cool if not that is cool too. I hung your prints today.
Have a great night retta.

Heather A said...

I love this post! It spoke to me so directly, I'd almost think you're in my mind. Reminds me... I need to find my tin foil hat...

I too begged for guidance from above one night this past April. I was beating myself up about once again being "off-plan" and how horrible a person I was if I couldn't get it together enough to succeed. That night, I prayed/begged for a guiding hand. I was led to Sean Anderson's blog and from there to a slew of other blogs (including yours) that have helped to inspire and support me. Thank you for being out here in the blogosphere. You are making a difference in so many lives, myself included. :)

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry about that gain, Loretta. *HUGS* "God was for me, not against me" - I love that and it's so true. Hang in there, okay? This month will be MUCH better. :)

Sharon said...


Don't ever apologize for making sure your blog friends know who you really are and what your belief system is. If you didn't, it wouldn't be real! My favorite line in this whole post is, "I understand that not everyone has the same belief system as I do. But I'll be honest: I wish ya'll did. :-D" What a witness! Where I'd be without that unconditional love and hope, I can't even begin to imagine.

August was a difficult month for a lot of us (most, it seems to me), but I sense a renewing, regrouping and desire to move forward in September. I, too, choose life and choose to be an encourager! My way of doing that is to ask you if there is anything you need from your blog friends? You had a lot of weight to lose and look what you've done! But you have a long way to go! How can I help??


Ann (-6.5 lbs in 60 lb challenge) said...

If I came across poorly (or judgemental) that was not my intention, Loretta. I did not intent in any way to imply you should NOT be proud of your accomplishments! I want to apologize if that is how I came across. I don't believe in perfectionism, as you know. I've only been in Blogland since July, and so my observation was limited to this summer. And yes, I know you lose slowly. (I will slow down too, and am surprised I haven't already.) Last week aside (maintenance, as you said in your original post), my impression is that you've been working hard to make forward progress. But, I also know you have a LOT going on in yuor life. I was trying to ascertain - from your point of view, which is what counts here - what may need to be tweaked to get that forward motion going again. I was not criticizing. Hey, when I can say I lost over 100 lbs, maybe then I'd have ground to stand on to pontificate. I cannot hold a candle to your loss. I just know how much you want this, and I was trying to get the juices flowing on how to get things moving again, after a summer (so far) of give and take. My plateaus are ALWAYS like that, up a few, down the same few, with a net of not-much-lost. I was asking questions for focus and clarity. I'm sorry if I hit on a sensitive area in the wrong manner. Mea culpa. I'll shut up now.

M Pax said...

Keep your focus on the positive consequences. :D Keep to the light side, Loretta.

Yes, your gain is temporary. Sometimes we need to tread water before moving on. If that pause helped you, then it was worth it. Seems it was. Here you are moving on. Yippee. I'm excited for you.

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