Saturday, September 11, 2010

DAY 394 The Rest of the Story


Hi there, Journal & Friends,

I wrote yesterday's post in response to two things: 

First, I had left myself a note, that on Sept 10th 2010 I would go back one year and re-read that post. I wanted to see if I still believed what I had written. 

Yep. Even more firmly.


And secondly, some things have happened in our personal lives that have threatened my husbands job. If he loses his job, we lose our home. That simple. 


Jim is an honorable, hard-working and loyal man. He deserves better than to be treated this way.

Did I want to dive into a vat of macaroni and cheese? Absolutely. Totally. 

Did I? No. But believe me, everything in me screamed to escape the emotional pain. And a lifetime of "training" has taught me that food is a reliable escape pod... temporarily.

Instead, I felt it. And dang it hurt. 



I cried instead of eating. 
I was angry, instead of eating.
I was hurt and felt betrayed, instead of eating.
And I prayed, instead of eating.

It took many hours until I rememberd that I was not the only one in the world that has experienced this kind of thing. And I had to remember that my source of security was not in that job, but in God. If this thing comes to pass... if God allows this... if this is the path we must walk... then He will walk it with us. We will survive. I still have flashes of fear, anger and hurt. But I'm getting better.

But "easy"?  Hardly.

People have funny ideas about God. Like... if He is such a loving God, why does He allow bad things to happen?? Well, I won't go into all that... it would take a book. 

But this I know: He didn't make us robots. 



He created us with the capacity to choose. And boy, do us humans make some doozies of choices! And we hurt one another, and because of our own "humaness", people are treated with injustice and cruelty... and unfairly.

But there are also genuinely wonderful people. People who are trustworthy and compassionate. People who are just trying to live a decent life and be loving and generous, and contribute something of worth as they pass through only once in this life.

As hurt as I am over how unfairly Jim is being treated at work, I choose to remember the good guys. The people who I call my friends. And to feel thankful for them. 

And I feel thankful that God let me blubber to Him and feel sorry for myself for a bit. I didn't feel condemned or ashamed, or that I had to deny my real feelings. But He understood, and just accepted me right where I was at... and when I was done crying, helped me to learn from it. To remember that my true security is in Him.

It will be awhile as we see how this situation plays out. Days, weeks, or even months. Jim is 61, and had hoped to retire from his current job. If any of you out there are of the praying persuasion, I would sincerely appreciate you remembering us... that the BEST thing happens. 

As far as I know, that would mean things would work out so Jim could keep his job, and be able to do it without pain in his feet and back (long story). That the "powers that be" decide in his favor, and the ones out to sabotage and betray him are stopped or removed.

In the meantime, I am trying to live with Joy, and trust and hope. And to live NOW. To live with gratitude. 



I want to be a supportive wife, not a clingy, whiny wife who lets her imagination run amuck, so that Jim must prop me up. I want to be the supportive wife HE needs right now... to show him how much I appreciate him and am proud of the honorable man he is. I think it, but I don't always say it. I want to do better with that... he needs that right now.

Sorry this is such a heavy post... a very "me me me" post. Ha ha ha... I guess they ALL are me me me posts, come to think of it.



From Dr Phil's book: "Forgiveness is a choice."

My verse for today: "The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped."

My quote for today: "There aren't enough cookies in the world to make you feel loved and whole." --Michael Neill

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta
=^..^=


13 comments:

Sharon said...

Retta,

A few days ago, you asked me to pray that you might have wisdom. And I did. If this post is any indication, my prayers worked because it shows a depth of wisdom many never find. Does being wise make life easier or hard times any less frequent? Absolutely not and I'm sometimes of the mind that it makes things more difficult. It's that refiner's fire thing!

I am truly sorry you and Jim are having to face work problems because that uncertainty sure can throw a wrench into everything else. You are both in my thoughts and prayers.

Keep us posted.

Sharon

Mom to the Fourth Power said...

Wow... that is a struggle! I pray that you can find peace. I can so relate right now too with our financial situation. It is scary and it takes courage to Trust in the Lord and decide to not let it consume you. You are a courageous woman! And yay for not medicating yourself with food! :) God Bless!

~Margene

anne h said...

Sweet, sweet, Loretta!
Walk by faith, and not by sight.....
So much more than a cliche!
Walk on, girl!

Deb Willbefree said...

you didn't eat! I certainly wouldn't have faulted you if you had, but you didn't eat! You are a brave woman. Deb

Baby Stepping said...

Loretta, I am keeping you and your husband in prayer. I have found that some of the worst times in my life have been the springboard for some of the most joyous. I pray that this is true for you too!!

Hugs,
Mary

Shelli Belly said...

Praying

I'm so proud of you.

Scarlet Simple said...

We will pray for you and Jim.

"I want to be a supportive wife, not a clingy, whiny wife who lets her imagination run amuck, so that Jim must prop me up. I want to be the supportive wife HE needs right now... to show him how much I appreciate him and am proud of the honorable man he is. I think it, but I don't always say it. I want to do better with that... he needs that right now."

That speaks chapters to me because it is something I aspire to. You are a strong person Retta. I think you can do anything.

Stephanie said...

I'm so proud of you for not letting your emotions hinder your weight loss efforts. Now here are some (HUGE HUGS)for you. You and your husband are in my prayers.

Bree said...

L.O.V.E your blog!!!

I will be back over and over to read more and more!!

cmoursler said...

I hope your husband's job is spared. I am so sorry you are going through this, but great job on keeping your head up.
You are a constant source of inspiration for me.

Rettakat said...

Thank you everyone, it means a lot to me when someone says "I'll be praying for you". That's big! We have stopped reeling from the newness of this, and are now looking for the hidden blessing. It's in there somewhere! LOL!

Loretta
=^..^=

oh_mg said...

"When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer." (Corrie Ten Boom)

I'm sorry to hear you're going through a tough time right now, but I'm so glad to hear you're being as strong as you can given the circumstances. You and your family are in my prayers!

Desperate Diva said...

So sorry to hear that you're going through a bit of a hard time, however I'm also so pleased that you have your faith to keep you strong through this - many out there don't and would not see through these clouds to still give thanks for the blessings in their life and yet you are able to identify and cling on to them regardless - Hold on to that!

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