Hi there, Journal & Friends,
I wrote yesterday's post in response to two things:
First, I had left myself a note, that on Sept 10th 2010 I would go back one year and re-read that post. I wanted to see if I still believed what I had written.
Yep. Even more firmly.
And secondly, some things have happened in our personal lives that have threatened my husbands job. If he loses his job, we lose our home. That simple.
Jim is an honorable, hard-working and loyal man. He deserves better than to be treated this way.
Did I want to dive into a vat of macaroni and cheese? Absolutely. Totally.
Did I? No. But believe me, everything in me screamed to escape the emotional pain. And a lifetime of "training" has taught me that food is a reliable escape pod... temporarily.
Instead, I felt it. And dang it hurt.
I cried instead of eating.
I was angry, instead of eating.
I was hurt and felt betrayed, instead of eating.
And I prayed, instead of eating.
It took many hours until I rememberd that I was not the only one in the world that has experienced this kind of thing. And I had to remember that my source of security was not in that job, but in God. If this thing comes to pass... if God allows this... if this is the path we must walk... then He will walk it with us. We will survive. I still have flashes of fear, anger and hurt. But I'm getting better.
But "easy"? Hardly.
People have funny ideas about God. Like... if He is such a loving God, why does He allow bad things to happen?? Well, I won't go into all that... it would take a book.
But this I know: He didn't make us robots.
He created us with the capacity to choose. And boy, do us humans make some doozies of choices! And we hurt one another, and because of our own "humaness", people are treated with injustice and cruelty... and unfairly.
But there are also genuinely wonderful people. People who are trustworthy and compassionate. People who are just trying to live a decent life and be loving and generous, and contribute something of worth as they pass through only once in this life.
As hurt as I am over how unfairly Jim is being treated at work, I choose to remember the good guys. The people who I call my friends. And to feel thankful for them.
And I feel thankful that God let me blubber to Him and feel sorry for myself for a bit. I didn't feel condemned or ashamed, or that I had to deny my real feelings. But He understood, and just accepted me right where I was at... and when I was done crying, helped me to learn from it. To remember that my true security is in Him.
It will be awhile as we see how this situation plays out. Days, weeks, or even months. Jim is 61, and had hoped to retire from his current job. If any of you out there are of the praying persuasion, I would sincerely appreciate you remembering us... that the BEST thing happens.
As far as I know, that would mean things would work out so Jim could keep his job, and be able to do it without pain in his feet and back (long story). That the "powers that be" decide in his favor, and the ones out to sabotage and betray him are stopped or removed.
In the meantime, I am trying to live with Joy, and trust and hope. And to live NOW. To live with gratitude.
I want to be a supportive wife, not a clingy, whiny wife who lets her imagination run amuck, so that Jim must prop me up. I want to be the supportive wife HE needs right now... to show him how much I appreciate him and am proud of the honorable man he is. I think it, but I don't always say it. I want to do better with that... he needs that right now.
Sorry this is such a heavy post... a very "me me me" post. Ha ha ha... I guess they ALL are me me me posts, come to think of it.