Hello Journal & Friends,
No, I didn't give in. But I WANTED to, at least a part of me. I even did the Kitchen Drive-by. You know, where you cruise through the kitchen, looking in cupboards and peeking in the fridge... wondering if there was anything I could have for the 22 calories I had left??!!!
But the responsible adult part of me finally said NO, you are out of calories to spend, and you promised yourself not to write any hot checks, or borrow against the next day. When you're done, you're done. Go drink something....sigh.
What started all that??? All I can point to is, I had watched the first episode of the Biggest Loser. Yeah, I know, it's not a perfect show... there are things I would change about it if I were in charge (!). But overall, I still find inspiration and motivation and HOPE that we can change.
Last night Jillian Michaels, the "Trainer From Hell" as she is affectionately (?) called said:
"It it possible if you believe it is possible."
So what's up with the turmoil... the pressure to eat... to escape and not face what I was feeling???
Since I had no tub of mac n cheese to dive into, I finally looked inward to see what was going on.
And there it was. Shame. Regret. Embarrassment over allowing myself to get to 460 pounds.
You see, this season's show has THE BIGGEST contestants EVER. Several in the 300's, some in the 400's, and one at 544 pounds!! And they had to do their very first weigh-in on a scale in their hometown in from of hundreds of people. The guys had to doff their shirts, and the gals had to wear those sports bras. Almost all of them were mortified, and many cried. Later, as they cried while sharing their personal stories at the ranch while getting to know one another, I cried along with them. I could identify with so much of what they went through.
Seeing them at that first weigh-in was hard for me. Except for Michael, the largest man at 544 lbs, I was larger than any of them when I was 460. And seeing how they LOOKED made me cringe, knowing I looked even larger. Even now, I am still larger than several that are on the show.
Well, they wanted to be on the show so bad, that they faced the terror of public humiliation. And now they are focused on working hard to change and lose weight. That took courage!
So, that is what I will focus on, also. I can't change my past. I can't change that I was 460 pounds. But I CAN change my future. By consistently eating responsibly... thinking responsibly... making responsible choices. I look forward to watching their progress.
Yesterday was the hardest night since I started this blog... but I made it! Whew!! So now I ought to be stronger for next time... I exercised my mental muscles a LOT last night. It felt like a last chance workout! ;-)
16 comments:
Hi Loretta!! So so wonderful to find your blog!
I love being inspired by other's journies... and yours is so inspirational!
Looking forward to reading more!
Hugs.. Amy
Hey Loretta, just found your blog. You did a great job last night - you handled it! That is a HUGE success. You have lost 104lbs already - be very proud of that!
Oh Loretta sweetie, I know just how you feel. When I realized that I could have been a contestant on The Biggest Loser I was mortified. I think I wrote a post with some comments about that a while back even. But you are so right when you say; "I can't change my past. I can't change that I was 460 pounds. But I CAN change my future."
You can and you will! You are such an amazing, talented, kind person...and you have already come a very long way. We are gonna do it girl! We are gonna be SASSY AND THIN! :) in 2010, lol.
If this happens again, the drive by kitchen craving as you called it (awesome by the way), maybe you should try what Sean had said about quitting smoking. Call someone and talk until the craving is over!
If you need anything, just let me know. We all have those hard days, but we don't all make it through them like you have!
Hugs,
Olivia
Oh my dear friend,
I'm so proud of you. I had the same kind of struggle last night, except mine was with the nasty urge to light a cigarette, I just wept---It shouldn't be so hard.
I watched the same show last night, most of it. I agree----I can't watch without releasing a flood gate of emotions right along with the cast. I feel for those people, like you, because we know exactly what they're feeling. Exactly.
You did the right thing. If we start allowing ourselves to "borrow" or "write a hot one" against the next days budget---that's the beginning of the end. It does get hard sometimes, even after 479 days---But trust me---the rewards are worth the struggle. they really are Loretta.
Dry those eyes my friend. Good times are coming your way. And a life where food is kept in check and under control isn't just a dream anymore. It's happening. It's real. Like Jillian said: It is possible if you believe it's possible. Believe Loretta,
My best always
Sean
I'm so sorry about your very difficult night. I have had those, and oh my, they are excruciatingly painful. My thoughts are with you!!
Good girl for holding strong!
If you've read my blog at all, you know that I feel the cornerstone to my (anyone's) weight-loss success it taking personal responsibility. I am glad to see you doing just that!
Hey, out of curiosity, was your hunger above or below your neck? Mental/emotional hunger, or real gut-is-empty hunger? NEVER food feed that mental/emotional hunger; do as you did, go within yourself, identify what's making you mentally/emotionally hungry, and find non-food ways to feed/ease it.
I'm SO PROUD OF YOU!
Loretta you are such a warrior and I am so proud of you. You beat those meanies in your head that tried to convince you to eat. Yee Haw.
Hubby doesn't like BL so I never watch it until the final couple of episodes. Seeing the successes is very motivating though.
I'm so glad you are here in "blog land" Your posts are great and your lolcatz always give me a giggle.
It's sooo hard to have such a hard night after you've been doing so well. You think," I thought I was past that. I know better"...I've only watched the first hour of last nights episode and have the rest recorded because my husband just can't deal with it. It IS tough to watch. Brings up feelings and shame and embarrassment for them and for me. And feelings are something I've always tried to stuff down , literally. I'm glad you embraced Jillian's motto and are hanging in there.
The sub-title of your blog says it all. You ARE getting there one choice at a time! Last night you made a good one. I love the Biggest Loser!
Hey, girlfriend!
I just love, love, love the way you are consistently able to decipher real hunger from the emotinoal kind--and deal with it accordingly! Gotta tell ya, I can decipher it, too--and often deal with it by EATING. sigh.
As I've said before, you're so much more mature than I am! hahaha
By the way, BL always triggers my "gotta eats." I managed to only eat a yogurt last night--but I wasn't hungry, so shouldn't have.
I came across a couple tweets just a few minutes ago that I loved. In honor of you declaring that it was hard and that you were holding onto God, here they are:
"Optimism says, 'It's not so bad!' Hope admits, 'Yes, it's bad. Really bad. But I still believe and trust in God'. Hope isn't optimism. Optimism often denies reality. Hope never does. Optimism is positive thinking;hope is PASSIONATE TRUST." by Rick Warren
Passionate trust--He holds us in His arms, doesn't He, friend? So glad. :)
Deb
Loretta!
I was so touched by Sean's comments on your blog that I checked out his blog. Oh, my! I think I love him. :)
Good thing he and I are both already married....and that I'm old enough to be his mother. chuckle. But, seriously, I went back and read the first 4 days of his post and it is incredibly inspiting. Simple, direct, honest--nothing fancy, yet powerful stuff. I'm all excited that I'm counting calories now! hahaaha. See it must be powerful for THAT to have happened.
SEAN, if you've just read this comment--I'm headin back to read "DAy 5" and letting myself be guilt-free if I have a McD ice cream cone. Thanks. :D
Deb
You are NOT 460 pounds anymore Loretta! You are well on your way. Don't believe lies about yourself! Way to go for not giving in to the mac n'cheese,which is always my comfort/fall off the band wagon food. What is it about that stuff????
drop the old weight and pick up the new.
you are 350 lbs now.
Not 460.
I had to drop my 262 lb weight and accept my new lower weight a week ago.
I agreed to give up my fat shirts. My comfort blankets, and I am glad I did.
You are doing great loretta...no going back, only forward.
The only way food gets in is if you allow it.
YOu didn't.
great job.
A hard night....but you did it! You worked through some issues...As hard as it is, YOU are more than a number! You are a special and inspiring person! Good for you! You are doing awesome!
good job resisting food! Bravo woman!
But the biggest loser, well I cant watch that show. I think it makes people thing that in a normal time frame people can do in their homes what those folks do at a camp, away from their lives 24/7. Not to mention it looks like torture. No one should exercise several hours a day. And I dont care how much anyone has to lose. But I know I am the minority, most people love that show.
However, I CAN relate to the people on the show, so its a catch 22. Watch it and be revolted by Jillian, but relate to the people or dont watch it. So its hit and miss for me.
I hope you feel better now, I think you are doing great! It takes determination to come as far as you have, in your normal every day life and not at a biggest loser camp. To me, you have done more from home than those people do, because you are doing it while living your life. AND its healthier to do it your way. It IS and I dont care what that hag Jillian says!
(((hugs)))
Oh, thank you all so much. Such encouraging words, wise words, funny words, uplifting and motivating words!!! I feel like printing them all out and pasting them up on my walls. There are certainly so much wisdom there... I don't want to forget.
Especially more than one that pointed out something I hadn't realized: I need to LET GO of having been 460. That is not me any longer. You've given me a lot to think about.
Thank you all!!!
Loretta
=^..^=
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