JAN 31 Looking But Not Seeing & The Epiphany

Good Evening Journal & Friends,

Amazing how better life looks after some good sleep!! Sorry for my whiney post from Saturday. 

You all were so supportive and kind. And so many insightful comments! What a treasure... what a resource. Thank you so much.

There was one comment that made me say Bingo! It was Deb, of course. 

She ought to start her own online counseling business, for reallies! 

Anyway, it took a full nights sleep for me to comprehend her comment. And when I did... Blink! The light came on. Let me explain with a visual.

How many birds do you see in this image?? I found 14, but I suspect there might be more.

The point is... it's hard enough to really SEE stuff, even when we know what to look for. But I didn't even know I what I was looking for when I wrote my previous post!! I really appreciate seeing it from someone else's point of view. Deb pointed out my blindspot... something I was doing but didn't see.

Deb said:

"WE let it get tooo far before we work on it, because that's how we've trained ourself to be. We ignore, look away--and eat. Eating allowed us not to bother about things.

Not to bother... Taking care of ourselves feels like a bother, doesn't it? Eating--now eating--that's not a bother at all. That's instant gratification. And we don't have to bother. ...until the drug wears off.

So hard to break that "not bothering" habit. ... Feels like so much effort to put forth oveer a little thing. And the "too whatever" always starts as a little thing. Then it's a big thing. then... Well, you know what happens then.

Retraining, girlfriend. Making ourselves a priority to us. Deciding we're worth the bother."

The part that I put in bold was what caused me to read this over and over, til it sunk in.

And that's when the epiphany smacked me. I am embarrassed to admit that for the LAST 33 YEARS I've been critical of MyGuy for his habit of detesting any kind of  "maintenance".

Whether it was for cars, household repairs, or our relationship... if it was maintenance, forget it. He ALWAYS waits for a crisis to hit, which FORCES him to deal with it. Then it is a BIG deal, instead of handling it when it's still a LITTLE deal.

Umm... that suddenly started sounding mighty familiar to me... and the light came on, and my blinders came off. 

I saw, much to my embarrassment, that I DID THE SAME THING. I did it in regards to the way I was handling those things I wrote about... the "TOO" list. 

Too little sleep, too much physical pain, and too many negative emotions.

I would ignore them when they were in the "small" beginning stages... not doing the maintenance to fix them, before they turned into a BIG deal, and I was forced to work on them!!!!

Seeing the real problem is half the battle, I think. So now the work of "retraining" myself begins. To deal with these things while they are still small.

Before, I looked but didn't see. Now I see. Thanks, Deb!

(If you enjoy optical illusions, there is a fun site HERE with tons to choose from) 

From Dr Phil's book: "You must carve out time for tension-reducing activities."

My verse for today: "The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge."

My quote for today: "Take the attitude of a student, never be too big to ask questions, never know too much to learn something new." --Og Mandino

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 534

JAN 29 Boats, Categories & Sleep

Hi Journal & Friends,

 I've been doing a lot of thinking this week. And I must admit, I've been feeling the Long-ness of my journey. It just seems to drag on forever.

For someone with a LOT to lose, the journey IS a long one. I once heard it described this way: it's like crossing the ocean in a small boat.

Folks with less to lose might never have to leave site of a shoreline before they've reached their goal.

For those of us with a lot to lose, we have a longer trip, and must have the stamina to be out there, no shoreline in sight on either side, and stay the course even when the bad weather hits. 

And it's a boat built for one. We can get encouraging messages over radio communications... but the trip is a personal one, unique to each person. We must work it out ourself. And sometimes... I just get tired.

Bottomline, the answer is:  it's on me. I have to be self-honest, and see where I sailed off course. I have to make the corrections.  I have to do the work.

For me, it's not about the food... it's the mental that sets me off. I let all this crap with my hand surgeries become excuses. I get so frustrated about trying to do consistent exercises. And I've let this hand stuff that started back in November of last year to become an excuse.

I gave in to all or nothing thinking and just quit trying to be consistent, for the most part, thinking what's the use of a little here a little there... thinking it wasn't enough to make a difference anyway.

And then I soothed all the frustration with a little extra food here, a little extra there... grazing. 

Believe me, the results from grazing is every bit as damaging as a full blown binge!! In fact, I think it's sneakier, cuz you tell yourself "oh, it's not that much". Yeah, right. But over and over, it might as well be a binge!!

Anyway, my whole goal for this year was to be CONSISTENT. Not off to a great start, I'm sorry to report.

Honestly, I didn't even really want to write about it. I am tired of "talking"... I want to be DOING.

Yesterday, I analyzed the "categories" of events that I allowed to push me to graze on food. Not the individual circumstances, but categories. And it boiled down to 3 categories for me, all starting with the word "too":

• Too little sleep
• Too much physical pain
• Too many negative emotions

So I had to ask myself why do I allow it to get "TOO" far before I deal with it????

I need to be proactive, and deal with stuff before it gets TOO far. That's what I'm working on... facing each of these categories, and seeing if I can put a plan in place to stop it from escalating.

You'd think something like "too little sleep" would be easy to fix. You'd think...

It certainly affects both of the other two categories!  So, I've been making it a priority. How's that working for you, you ask?? Uh...I'm writing this at 3:52 am. Yep, got a lot of work to do in this area.

From Dr Phil's book: "Have the willingness and courage to throw off your past, go after your weight-control goals, and pursue a life that is defined as healthy and fit."

My verse for today: "I love you O Lord, my strength."

My quote for today: "All of us can be much better than we are." --Jack LaLanne

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 533

JAN 26 The Gift

Hi Journal & Friends,

Do you ever have days when you just "feel fat" ?! 

Didn't matter how much you had lost, didn't matter what you were wearing, didn't matter how much spackle you plastered on your face to make yourself feel better. You. Just. Feel. Fat.

I felt that way this last Sunday. Honestly, if I hadn't committed to being a Greeter, I'm sure I would've wimped out and hid in my house.

But I went. Thankfully, when I clipped on my name tag, I forgot about "me" and was able to reach out to make people feel welcome. But when we found our seats as the worship music began...again with the "I feel fat" thing. Sigh...

Then...something extraordinary happened. All I can say is... it felt like I had been given a gift. Because I had tried to work on my attitude, my self-talk, all that stuff we love to blog about... all to no avail.

First, let me explain. In our church worship, sometimes the music is slow and reverent and beautiful. 

Sometimes it is faster and rejoicing and bursting with gratitude and joy.

 Sometimes the violin plays a haunting solo... and sometimes all the instruments burst forth in exhuberance!

Sometimes there are dancers, and sometimes there are banners or silk flags or ribbons, all celebrating in honor of The King of Kings. 

The different colors have different meanings. For instance, gold symbolizes the presence of God, majesty, glory of God, and faith.

I had my camera cuz I was going to take a picture of Roxie the service dog, but she didn't come that day. But... I didn't feel it respectful to photograph the worshippers, so the pics here are from the net, to give you an idea of what I'm trying to describe.

And here was the gift to ME: over in the corner was a quiet lady about my age. She was dancing a slow, graceful, beautiful and elegant dance, gently swirling a length of shimmering gold silk fabric. It made me stop in my tracks, and tear up. 

She was stunning. Reverent and so graceful... 

AND SHE WAS OVERWEIGHT!!!! 

But I'm telling you, she was as light on her feet and graceful as any prima ballerina I'd ever seen. And at moment, I felt loved and accepted, just as I was. And I no longer "felt" oh-so-fat. 

I felt like that Gift to me was the beginning of the turnaround of my "hard times". It shifted my thinking... opened me to change, and was so encouraging. 

From Dr Phil's book: "Slow your thoughts down, and listen attentively."

My verse for today: "I will be glad and rejoice in you; I will sing the praises of your name, O Most High."

My quote for today: "You have to be pretty stupid to think there isn't a Supreme Being to put all this together. Do you think that man could ever make a heart that is indestructible? Do you think that man could make a calculator like your brain?" --Jack Lalanne

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 530

JAN 25 Thanks, Jack

Hi there Journal & Friends,

Been watching Jack Lalanne videos, and have gotten my behind properly kicked! Time to grab my attitude by the scruff of the neck and give it a good shake, Jack style!

I may not yet have all the answers I'm looking for, but until I do, there is no excuse to at least not ACT like I do. 

By that, I mean I am still responsible for my actions, for my choices. I have DIRECT control over MY choices. Sure, there are things that indirectly influence my life, and other things over which I have NO control. But since they are outside my circle of control... why not just focus on the stuff I CAN change?! 

Uh... that would mean my attitude, excuses, and poor choices. More to come on that oh-so-exciting topic. ;-)

For today, this quote from Fara Gray grabbed my attention:

PS: just so ya'll know... anytime I post a graphic, feel free to use it as you like, if it will help you. Download it, post it on your blog, print it and throw darts at it. My intention is to help. So, other than my original paintings (the Art by Retta stuff), feel free to use the graphics/illustrations/posters/quotes any way that will help you. We're all in this together!

From Dr Phil's book: "Express your goals in terms of specific behaviors and feeling."

My verse for today: "In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears."

My quote for today: "Exercise is King. Nutrition is Queen. Put them together and you've got a Kingdom!" --Jack Lalanne

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 529

JAN 24 With Greatest Respect

Hello Journal & Friends,

Most of you have already heard... so I will make this short. One of my heroes has died at age 96... Jack Lalanne.

His fitness show, The Jack Lalanne Show, was born on a local show the same year I was born, 1951. It went national in 1959, and he was on for 30 years, sharing his passion for exercise and good nutrition.

He was enthusiastic, passionate, eccentric. And he was always telling people it's never too late to turn your life around. I have so much respect for him.

So instead of posting some drivel about the "hard time" I am having, I think I will let Jack kick my butt one more time, in this short video.

RIP, Jack.

DAY 528