Saturday, February 13, 2010

DAY 188 Check Up From the Neck Up

Hello Journal & Friends,

 I had a close call last night... ran out of calories for the day, again, but still wanted to eat. No, I wasn't physically hungry. I was avoiding... I just wanted to relax, watch tv with MyGuy, and then enjoy some snacks.

I didn't WANT to think. I didn't WANT to "feel and deal". 

My logic went this way: it's just a waste of time thinking about this, because you don't have enough information. Just wait til you know more... what's the point of thinking about it now??

About what??  I have to go in Tuesday for a biopsy, because they are worried about cancer. And then I have to wait even longer for the report to come back with the results. Sigh... 

So, I wanted to use that as an excuse to "pamper" myself... to say why bother?! I don't really have a feeling of doom, and tend to think they are overreacting. I really don't think anything will come of it.  But it did make me think of some things... once I stopped avoiding my feelings, that is!

  • I thought about time... how we don't have an infinite amount on this earth.

  • I thought about using my time wisely... not wasting it with things that just don't matter.

  • I thought about living each day fully, with joy and attention and purpose... not just passing through half conscious and waiting to live.

  • I thought about how we ALL experience ups and downs in this life, and I am not exempt.

  • And, I thought how this was an extraordinary opportunity to see if I really believe all this stuff I write... or am I going to take the easy, short-sighted way out and feel sorry for myself, and pout about it not being fair, and worry, and stuff my face!

I read this last night from Dr Phil's book, The Ultimate Weight Solution:

"I will control what attitude I take toward this situation. I have the power to choose my perceptions and my reactions.  And I will exercise this power of choice in every circumstance, every day of my life."

I realized that one thing that was bugging me was WHERE they were going to punch a hole for the biopsy: my tongue. He warned me it was very sensitive, and after the anesthetic wore off it would be painful for quite awhile. I've been trying to plan a totally liquid diet that would still be nutritious... and getting more and more annoyed as I did it!! I keep thinking all this will be a waste of time, money, pain, and concern. 

But that is exactly what that paragraph from Dr Phil's book was talking about... our perceptions and reactions. So here is the attitude I am trying choosing to have:

I am thankful I have competent, caring medical people taking care of me.

I am thankful to have medical insurance.

I am thankful that this procedure will put all our minds to rest with answers.

I am thankful that Jim has been supportive and helpful.

I am thankful I have choices.

I am thankful I am not buried, like a lot of you, under a lot of snow during all this!!

From Dr Phil's book: "Problems don't get better with inattention."

My verse for today: "When your words came, I ate them; they were my joy and my hearts delight."

My quote for today: "Dogs come when they're called. Cats take a message and get back to you."


Beth said...

Oh boy. Of all the myriad excuses to eat, I think yours is right up there in the top three. You have my highest regard for how you're handling it with regard to food.

I've thought a lot about the "wasting time" part of your post. It's something I have, of course, done for years, telling myself I'll deal with "whatever" later. When it comes to weight, it is extremely embarrassing to realize my journey has been going on for 30 years. Lately I feel very sobered looking back at that waste, among other things.

foolsfitness said...

I have to say I constantly cave in to excuses.

You do have an important thing to say about time. People don't think about you will never get another yesterday... it's gone forever. For most it seems like an infinate number of tommorows but we are all finite in our life on earth.

My prayers for your trials. God is still in charge even when we don't understand what's going on... he still has everything under control.

At Foolsfitness we don't take excuses. We have plenty of our own.- Alan

Fiona said...

Great attitude.

Anonymous said...

Retta I have never heard of this kind of biopsy!!! It really sounds scary ((((hugs))) I will visualize you skinny and healthy, completely healthy. I know you will be ok and not have anything wrong, your biopsy will be clear and you will heal up perfectly. You are very brave!

Your blog caught my hubbys eye. He never reads blogs, so that is saying something!

I fed Hampy today. :-)

Anonymous said...

Oh, my! I've had that experience--twice. (Different body parts) It is greuling even if you really do believe that all is well. It's the not knowing and the inability to DO anything is the rub. Control, you know?

How great--amazing--miraculous that you didn't binge! It would certainly have been understandable. Your hard work has paid off, girlfrien, it has paid off!

I will be praying for you on Tuesday morning.


P.s. Thanks for the comments on my blog. I knew you would understand completely--and by your comments, I could tell that you did. It's a "had to have been there" kind of thing.

divad said...

Wow Loretta,
It's so great of you to share your thought process in regards to this news and eating. You have come out so positive. We would have all understood if the outcome wasn't so positive, but you were strong! I'll be praying for you as you wait this out. Life is hard, eh?

antgirl said...

Oh, hugs to you! Let me know how it all goes. You know I'll be praying for you and keeping you in my thoughts. Your mind is so strong, no matter what, you're going to be OK.

You're strong and just read over what you wrote when you need a boost. :) Or, send me a shout.

Christine said...

oy loretta...of all the places to punch a hole...your tongue?!
I will be praying for a positive///negative response. You know what I mean.
gosh I'm a goob. Great job on holding onto your bootstraps.
Hugs to you.
Hope you and hubby have a great valentines day.

PJ Geek said...

Good luck! Great gratitude list.

soontobe...skinnygirl said...

I love your attitude about life Loretta. Your strength and determination never cease to amaze me. I believe it's what's made you so successful thus far and that it's your amazing honesty that continues to bring you success.

I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciate the time you take to comment on my blog. I also notice your comments on a number of other blogs I follow. I appreciate your encouraging words and I'm sure I'm not alone when I tell you that you're truly an angel.

I'm praying for good news on your upcoming biopsy. The best thing about medical tests and the recoup time afterwards and they're often short lived and soon forgotten. You'll do well! You've already proven that!

*hugs* Have a speedy recovery. We need you back!


financecupcake said...

BIG HUGS!! You will be in my thoughts this week. You're brave, Loretta. Also, you're my hero for saying no to overeating even when you're facing something scary. You're doing fantastic!!

Retta said...

Thank you, everyone, for your prayers, supportive and kind comments!! I really appreciate it. :-)

Kat said...

Loretta, just getting caught up on your blog now. I will be keeping you in my prayers for tomorrow. I think you are navigating through everything very well.

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