Hello Journal,
About 20 years ago during one of my many "I'm really gonna do it this time" weight loss attempts, I attended a faith-based weight loss program. I tried, I really did. But I ended up leaving in failure after repeating the whole program three times. I was devastated. I'm a Christian, and now I even failed at this one! I had what I felt were great reasons for leaving the program...but now I see them for what they were: excuses. I had only lost about 25 lb on the program, then did my typical yo-yo afterwards, and regained it all back with extra.
But one experience has forever stuck with me from that program. It happened at one of the very first meetings. We went around the room introducing ourselves...once again, I was the biggest one in the room.
Finally it came the turn of a lady that was probably 150 pounds smaller than I was (I was about 460 lbs at that time). She was very teary, and started telling how she would watch tv shows with "these huge people" on them. And crying, she looked at ME, and said she was so scared that someday she would look like me. She didn't have a clue how deeply that cut!
Others in the room squirmed and looked embarrassed and sympathetic, which made it all the more awful for me. I just wanted to crawl under a rock somewhere and die. I sat there and did what I had trained myself to do when hurt because of my appearance: I tried to keep a stony face, with no reaction, and not let on how painful it was. But this time, in this place, it caught me off guard. I had thought I was in a "safe" place. And try as I might, the tears rolled down my face, even as I sat frozen faced.
The meeting progressed, and I sat silent. Finally, at the very end, I knew I could not let this go unaddressed. I asked to speak, and then explained to her that I never thought that I would ever become "one of them" either. I looked her right in the eyes and said:
"THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOU AND ME
IS TIME... unless you change."
I was thinking about this incident because there are a bazillion weight loss blogs out there. And at first I was only gravitating towards ones that were written by someone in my weight range. Then I remembered my own words, that the only difference between the "smaller" ones and me is time, unless they change. No one plans to become "one of them"...and even when you become "one of them", on the inside you are screaming "I am not a freak!"
So now I follow blogs of people with whom I connect...with their heart...their experiences...their dreams...their accomplishment in this journey. People I can learn from, be inspired by, or just feel a kinship with.
NONE of us are "one of them"... we are real people, with hopes and dreams, with a desire to love and be loved...to have a life we feel good about.
And that is why I will succeed this time, because I choose to change, to drop the excuses, to get honest and make progress at staying consistent. The finish line may still be a long way off for me still...but I am making progress.
There is no such thing as a "perfect" journey...but there is progress. Now, I remind myself: PROGRESS, NOT PERFECTION
And in the progress department, my weekly Monday weigh-in was 369...so I met my goal to lose 3 lbs this week. :-)
From Dr Phil's book: "Ultimately, only you--and you alone--are responsible for getting your weight under control."
6 comments:
I feel that what happened to you was horrible. It was supposed to be a safe place, with all of the people in the room having the same goal: Lose Weight. Currently at Weight Watchers, I am the biggest person in the room.
When I was in the 10th grade I weighed around 330lbs. I had a bunch of friends and for the most part I was secure. One day in the computer lab I heard the girl behind me say to a boy that I had a crush on, "If I ever get that big, shoot me." I just left the room. I wasn't sure how to handle it. What could I have said? She was a big girl too, with maybe 50lbs to lose, but I felt so low. I wish I would have had the heart to say what you did.
I gravitate toward the blogs of people with similar weights or weight loss goals as me because I feel like they will have similar experiences. You are right though, the only difference is time.
I believe that you will succeed because of your attitude, your honesty and your heart. I am very very glad to have found your blog.
You are simply amazing.
That woman said something so cruel, and came back with something meaningful. I would have gone off! I would have been a crying mess, and I would have let her have a big piece of my mind. You kept your cool, and you stayed level-headed enough to share a great thought with her and the rest of the group. Wow. You are seriously amazing.
Also, good job on the three pounds!!!!
SCARLET SIMPLE: I can't imagine the pain of having that happen in the 10th grade! We really do have a lot of things that need healing in our emotions...and being free of them helps us now tremendously. I know, because while I vividly remember that incident and what she said, I now hold no ill feelings towards her. Like Michael Beckwith said, look for the blessin' or the lesson, and I DID learn from that experience: to speak up for myself, to forgive, to see the long view, that people hurt us but sometimes don't even know they are doing it...
I am glad you found me, too. I feel a kinship with you...and together we are stronger on this journey than separately!
Loretta
CINCIMOM11: What a nice comment! But ya gotta remember, I had been around the "weight insult" block way too many times...I was 38 years old at that time. And for once, I sat and THOUGHT about it, before I opened my mouth, or I might've said something as destructive as what she said. We all learn as we go along.
Thank you on the 3lbs...I was holding my breath, not sure if I would make it this week. Wanna know a secret?? I even skipped having a hot dog on Sunday, because I knew I would balloon up from the sodium! How seriously desperate is that...I have to laugh at myself over that one! :-D And, yes, I ate that dog today..LOL!!
Loretta
Wow Loretta
Isn't it amazing how words can hurt but also stick to us. I'm so sorry that this happened.
Once I was in a parking lot and two men made a comment about my weight. I stopped turned around and said, "At least I can go on a diet. You both are jerks and there's no cure for that." My pace to my car really quickened at that point. :-)
Staying power the enemy uses these strongholds to beat ourselves up with.
Remember to
Be Kind to Loretta.
There are so many things that I want to write in response to your post congratulations and commiserations but none of them are coming out well. I'm glad I found your blog. You're helping me stay on track and just as importantly I know that you're a huge support to scarlet simple. So... thanks ^_^
SHELLI: That took chutzpah...spunk! What a good answer. I'll bet they had a hard time getting that out of their mind. Yes, I am trying to learn to be as kind to me as I would to others...it seems to be a hard habit to get into! :-)
Loretta
MOLLY: True and loyal friends in real life are a treasure...I hope Scarlet knows how blessed she is to have you!
Loretta
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