Wednesday, September 9, 2009

DAY 31 For The Record--How it is Now

Day 31 of ReStart,  Wednesday  Sept 9, 09

Good Afternoon Journal,

Yesterday I read the blog of Tony "The Anti-Jared" (here). He was writing about how people who are successful at losing weight seem to go through a change in attitudes sometimes.  He called it:

 The Three C's of weight loss:

Confidence-  "Yes, I can do it!"

Cocky- "Yeah, I drank my  H200000, now time to hit the gym boooyyyy!!"

Conceit- "I can not understand why you all struggle, it is not hard. You are all so weak!"

I went to bed thinking about it, and woke up thinking about it....because my first reaction to the message had been fear. Fear that I would change and not even know it til it was too late, like a blind spot...fear that I would lose the overwhelming gratitude that I feel right now to finally be escaping from the hell of being so large...fear that I would get cocky and blow the whole thing and regain, or fear that I would become conceited and change into someone that forgot from where she came.

So how do we NOT change into those things?? Tony said he will never go past the first C. How can he know that? Is that  because he is aware, and so is able to make that choice??

I don't know the answer. Therefore, today I want to make a Record of how things are, right now, in my that I will NEVER FORGET what it was like. I didn't do this before because it sounded like whining, complaining, look at how "hard" it is...etc etc. But now I want to make this record so that later, as I lose weight, I can make note of the changes as they occur. And to remind me to forever be grateful for this gift of being able to change. I believe people CAN change, because I am changing, from the inside out.


FOR THE RECORD, Sept 9, 2009
Weight at time today's record made: 376
-Spend most of the day in wheelchair; can use walker for short distances and short sitting times, like to go to doctor or dentist. 
-Still can't go to church because can't use bathroom, not handicap friendly; same restroom issues everywhere  I go.

-Better! Used to take 2 pain pills per day and wish I had more; now take one most days.
-Still very bad pain first thing in morning.
-Knees and left shoulder still bad; right shoulder much better; overall joint pains much better; back is same.

-If it can be done sitting in my powerchair or on the rolling kitchen stool, I am keeping up with about 80% of my chores; always behind with housework.
-Still haven't finished unpacking after 10 months
-No time for projects around the house, can't even keep up with basics.
-Doing better at keeping dishes washed and laundry done; husband helps by doing his laundry himself
-Doing better at getting up on time to fix lunch and dinner for husband to take to work, but still very hard due to morning pain levels.
-Still very painful and scarey taking shower; balance not good yet, and afraid of falling; must use shower seat, but knees very bad getting up and down.

-Doing better at being consistent, 3 times per week Richard Simmons exercise DVD's.
-Must still sit whole time, knees and legs too bad still.
-Still waiting for shoulders to heal enough to use resistance bands for strength training.
-Still waiting to lose more weight so can use mini rebounder; knees still too bad.

-Doing better on portion control now; more consistent on healthy choices; cravings for carbs are greatly reduced.

-Getting better quality of sleep now that shoulder pain not usually waking me at night, but still very bad 1st thing in a.m.
-Hip pain during night is totally gone!
-More consistent on quantity of sleep now, usually 7 1/2 to 8 hrs per night.

-Husband still does all grocery shopping and errands.
-Must buy all my clothes and shoes online.

-No time or energy right now for anything major; can't keep up with daily basic responsibilities, let alone extras.

-Still don't go out much; miss things like weddings, funerals, showers, parties, graduations, awards ceremonies (husbands 20th year at work coming up).
-Go occasionally for a drive, or on a good day to the mall in powerchair
-Holidays are always at home
-Once in a great while go to a restaurant where there is a lot of room, at a time of day when not crowded, and sit in powerchair.

FRIENDSHIPS (in real life):
-My only real friend other than my husband is my sister. 
-My Mom, who was my best friend, has been gone 5 years now and I dearly miss her everyday.
-I don't even try to make new friends now, because "normal" people go places, do things together. Since my house is so messy, I am embarrassed to have anyone come over; and if I have energy on a day, I don't want to GO somewhere , I try to catch up at home with chores. 
-Once in a great while my sister and I will drive somewhere, or go to the mall together, on a day when we both happen to feel good and strong on the same day. :-)


My hope is that as my life improves with weight loss, I can update these categories with good news, showing how they have changed.

 I don't like to dwell on how things are now...rather on how they will be.  I prefer to focus on what I CAN do, not on what I can't do...

But this is a starting place, and will be my Record of Change.

(click pic to enlarge)

From Dr Phil's book: "Losing weight IS within my control..."

My verse for today: "Why are you downcast O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my savior and my God."

My quote for today:  " Our greatest glory consists not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." --Ralph Waldo Emerson

Enjoy the Journey,



Anonymous said...

what a great idea! Sometimes I daydream about being a horrible skinny bitch (pardon the b word, but nothing else describes it well enough!) to my old boss, so possibly my brain WANTS to change into something terrible! I laugh about this, but I know it wont happen. Usually I imagine seeing her at the store and her saying OMG you are so skinny now, how did you do it? And I would be non chalant like stage 3 conceited..."oh I didnt really diet, the weight just FELL off on its own, my body NATURALLY wanted to be this thin...." LOL! then I think, no, I would tell her, I had to give up bread and pasta and candy and every yummy sugar sweetened thing on the planet to inch down one tiny pound at a time, because thats the truth. And I dont have more will power than anyone else, what caused me to stick with the diet this time was the death of my good friend Carla. She was 42 and died of complications of diabetes. She went, just like that. That scared me more than the fear of becoming like these horrible moms in my area (I call them frosted moms...fancy hair, expensive makeup, huge vehicles, thin tanned bodies...) I will not be one of them no matter how thin I get. And no matter how thin I get Carla wont be back and I carry that sadness as a reminder that I am not out to lose weight, I am out to survive and raise these kids.
PS _ I love Richard Simmons! My fave is Sweatin to the Oldies 2...

Lisa Marshall said...

Gotta say you aren't quite accurate. You are reaching out to make new friends. You blessed me, and I would be proud to be friends.

I understand the physical issues. But even if they should never get better, you are still a beautiful person. What our physical bodies can or cannot do in no way defines who we really are. There is no such thing as normal, and I would opt for a kind spirit like yours over physical ability any day. My sister is super skinny and athletic, and I always feel judged by her. Truth is, I would rather have my messed up body than to live in her spiritual condition. Yes, your physical condition will improve daily. You are making good choices and working for emotional healing. But, even if you never changed, you are still a child of God and still worthy...and I surely don't care if your house is messy. (You should see my laundry room.)
I just don't see how you could ever become the conceited one; the judgmental one you describe in your post. I think the key is to enjoy the gift of each day even while we are still on the journey, and to know we will always be a traveler. Someone who looks down on others who hasn't been successful must have traveled a very different road than the one you are on.

Retta said...

Hi Nancy,
Yes, I went through a stage when I first started losing where I WAS angry over all the hurtful ways I had been treated during my life due to being overweight...I had to work thru it, and eventually let it go. Not easy, but I was worried I would turn into those one of those nasty women interviewed on tv, who seemed to change after they lost a lot of weight.

Now I believe that what was inside of them all along was finally released...or else they hadn't learned yet how to forgive and let it go, and get on with the joy of being smaller!

Hey, I have been chair-dancing to Sweatin to the Oldies 2 for a couple of weeks now...come on baby, do the locomotion!!! LOL

Retta said...

Oh, Lisa! What a wonderful thing so touched me with your kind words. Too bad you don't live closer to Oregon!

I haven't been to Oklahoma since I was 8 yrs old...we all piled into the old station wagon and went on The Big Trip one summer vacation. One place was to visit relatives in Oklahoma, where my Mom was born.

That is sad about your sister...I think that when others have never walked in our shoes, it's too easy for them to judge harshly...they have never experienced it, and don't get it.

I am blessed to have a sweet sister! She has overcome so much, and still has farther to go in her own journey to better health...she understands, and it supportive.

Thank you for such kind and encouraging words...they mean a LOT to me.

Nanette N. said...

You are so amazing. And so motivating. And this post is so eye opening. I'm young - 25 and I was 368 last may (I'm down to 321. I'm going to do something about it while I can and not let it inhibit me.

My dad suffers a lot of the things your talking about here... But he's not very good at expressing himself. You've made it so much more accessible and easier to sympathize with his pain. Thank you for giving him voice.

Thank you for being a positive person and a proactive person without losing yourself or feeling the need to bring others down. You are such a great example of how great and supportive a weightloss community should be.

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