Hi Journal, it's just you an' me again,
I am blessed to have the kind of sister that really knows me, and will, in her own gentle way, call me out when I get phoney. We really are not alike, personality wise. She has a kind, gentle spirit that on Star Trek they called an Empath. She senses things. It is her biggest strength, and can be her biggest source of pain, because she is easily hurt. But I know she has something that I want...need to learn.
I tend to be too outspoken, too blunt. As I get...ahem...older...I am learning a LITTLE bit to think before I speak. Maybe that is why I like the blogging approach...it gives me a chance to check my mouth before it runs off and inadvertently hurts someone, even though that wasn't my intention.
Many times as I look back over my life (I am 58), the things I wish I could change the most are the rash things I said. Ah, the wayward tongue....who can tame it??
I am on this train of thought because, to be honest (Karen, I am trying) I feel like a phoney...I am constantly suprised to see that someone has signed up to "follow" me. Good grief...that's like the blind leading the blind!!
Then, other times, I think I might actually have some hard won lessons I have learned, or are in the process of learning (and then have to deal with the guilt of feeling prideful). Lessons I DEARLY would love to pass on...especially to those younger than myself (hmmm...which is most of them). So they could avoid some of the heartache and regret of waiting so long, like I did, to get my act together, to lose this weight...to not use food as a comfort or escape, but to feel my emotions, deal with them, and heal them.
I want to shout from the rooftop:
(wood sign photo credit: Diego Medrano)
I want desperately to help people in my own family...I feel like I have been a horrible example for them. I have had to work through guilt about that...forgive myself, and let it go. I don't want them to go through what I did. Being 460 pounds is not fun...it is not "happy".
The best thing I can do now, is to LIVE it, not just talk about it, the way I did for too many years....but DO it.
Yesterday, as I wrote that day's blog, I typed a sentence that I didn't even realize had bothered me all these years. It was about the angry adult male authority figure in my young, impressionable life asking me: Who do you think you are?? And then he threw a large, heavy glass ashtray at me (missed). The scene is etched in memory like it happened yesterday.
This morning as I thought about the people who signed up to follow this blog, I caught myself asking that same question: who do I think I am??? And I realized I have been doing that all my life. Out of fear of being a phoney, or being prideful, or self-deluded, or just feeling like I was a nobody, I would negate my own worth, what I might have to offer, or what I might accomplish in the future.
I am glad the light was shined on this bit of "stinkin thinkin". I can answer it, refute it, and replace it with a healthier self-image. I absolutely, literally CRINGE when I read some of the user names people give themselves as bloggers... derogatory and hopeless, even cruel sounding. Yet in the secret place of my mind, here was this thing, this axe that chopped me down every time I tried to grow up too tall and strong.
I am so glad it is GONE!! I have answered it...I am ME. I am Loretta. And I have wonderful potential, and I will not go away...I will journey to my healthy future, to the New Me.
I am getting over the embarrassment of even typing my name...it was like promoting myself, or bragging, or drawing attention to myself, or "who do you think you are?" to type my name on my blog. I am making myself do it, to chase away those lies.
I AM LORETTA.
And that is alright. In fact it is more than alright...it is like opening a newly discovered little treasure chest, and finding what is inside...one discovery after another. It is fun, and it's a Happy thing.
Michael Beckwith says to always look for the Blessin' or the Lesson in all of lifes circumstances. If I am open, even negative events can yield either a blessin' or a lesson...or both! I feel it was a blessing that I felt challenged for being a Happy Blogger, because it unearthed a hidden wound from my past that I am dealing with, and healing, and getting free from...and I am Happy about that. ;-)