Tuesday, September 15, 2009

DAY 37 Feelings & The Anchor Holds

DAY 37 of ReStart, Tuesday  Sept 15, 09

Hi Journal,

It's been bothering me the last couple of days that my "old ways" have wanted to try to creep back in. And along with that come the rationalizations that tell me "you are pressed for time..you really don't have time to do this daily blog thing anyway...you can just delete it and quietly slip away...things will go back to 'normal'...you are rocking the emotional boat!"

So, I need to take those thoughts by the scruff of the neck and give them a little shake and look them in the eye, and tell them to behave!!

I need to remind myself WHY I am doing this in the first place:
-to stay focused
-to be committed
-to learn consistency
-to stop making excuses
-to start making good choices

And I recently realized just how OUT OF TOUCH I am with my honest, true, at the bottom-of-it-all emotions. I kinda sorta knew...but now I am admitting it to myself, accepting it as helpful information instead of judging it, rejecting it and feeling embarrassed by it. 

So I want to add to that list of why I am doing this:
-to learn to FEEL and DEAL to HEAL

I want to learn to FEEL the emotions instead of numbing them with food.
And to DEAL with them...and know it will be just fine...I will survive them regardless if they are uncomfortable or intense. And lastly, I will HEAL...not just try to survive or endure the same "stuff" that comes up over and over...but to resolve it, to put it to rest, to HEAL it. 

This is a journey, and I don't have it all figured out, but I am pretty sure that this last part is important, and something that I need to do to make these changes permanent. 

Today, the issue that I dealt with was the FEAR that has been trying to make me run away, to go back into hiding, to pull my neck back into my shell. 

To put back on that mask that says "I am strong, I am happy, I am secure."

Well, I allowed it, that fear, out from under it's slimy rock...I have acknowledged it...and now it's weird. It is like the sunshine has dried it up...it is not as big and powerful as I thought. Shining light on it has revealed it to be an imposter...a wannabee. It has no power over me unless I GIVE it power.

So, I may not feel strong, but I feel DETERMINED...I won't quit this journey, and I won't go hide.

I may not always feel happy and secure, but I have hope, and joy, and a tingle of excitement that I am still on the right road... and that maybe I passed by a dangerous detour that almost "got" me, but was saved from making the wrong turn...and I am thankful for that.

I always sneered at people who sat around "navel watching"...rolled my eyes at such a self-absorbed waste of time. How arrogant!! The truth is I didn't want to get stuck like that, with emotions ruling the decisions in my life, out of control, the stereotypic overly-emotional woman...the cliche of the person in therapy for years and years and years, yet still no different. I didn't want to get stuck in the past, wallowing in it....So I over-compensated, and never even got in touch with my feelings in the first place!

There is a time for all things...what I didn't understand was that there IS a time for honest introspection...for learning to get in touch with how I am truthfully feeling...it doesn't have to rule my life, or make me so egocentric for the rest of my life that even *I* can't stand being around myself! But...I think I need to learn to do this...so I will no longer automatically stuff the feelings down with food.

I want to learn the balance of being "normal"...of experiencing emotions in a healthy, rational way...to FEEL them, DEAL with them in a healthy way, and the result will be to HEAL.

For 5 years I have been nodding my head in assent to the things Dr Phil wrote about Emotional Healing in his book The Ultimate Weight Loss Solution. I THOUGHT I was doing them. Now I discover that I was trying to do it WITHOUT actually FEELING the feelings...a less painful short-cut....well, duh! No wonder I am still going around the same mountain! 

I shake my head at myself, but I am also smiling..I feel good about this progress. No, it is not comfortable to pick up my inner rocks and see the "icky" things that have been hiding under there. But I have come to the firm conclusion lately that I will survive it just fine...I will be okay. In fact, it will set me free. 

I want to remind myself here WHY I am going to FEEL and DEAL to HEAL, from Dr Phil's book:

Pg 81..."You make the choices that create your emotional state."

Pg 81...This key unlocks the door to emotional control so that you can quit looking to food for the answers to your emotional pain...heal your feelings so that your eating behavior is no longer fueled by harmful emotions."

Pg 82..."Regaining emotional control in your life is one of the most important things you can do."

In the midst of all this "upheaval", it feels weird to also have peace. This morning I came across the words to this song I love, and it says it all:

The Anchor holds
Though the ship is battered
The Anchor holds
Though the sails are torn
Well I have fallen on my knees
As I face the raging seas
But the Anchor holds
In spite of the storm.

Yes, this is a spiritual journey for me. This is only day 37...I can't even imagine what it will be like in a year...but I am trusting it will be good.

From Dr Phil's book: "To be alive means to experience emotions, painful or otherwise."

My verse for today: "Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength."

My quote for today: "...more fun than the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile."

Enjoy the Journey, 



Karen Elizabeth Brown said...

I've been priviledged to be present at the moment of a few births and the one thing that I notice is that at the moment of birth, that baby who has been sleeping comfortably for the last nine months and then is pushed into a noisy, cold, bright environment, takes in a large gulp of air and starts wailing lustily. This cry isn't for joy at being robbed of it's safety and security, but it's the beginning of living and being a part of this life. This journey is like a baby being born. Right now some times you need to wail and know that you're alive. Happy Birthday!

Rettakat said...

I love that analogy...a baby being born! And it's messy, and inconvenient, and messes with the sleep schedule. :-) Yes, I sure did do some wailing already, and I am sure there is more to come. I might even fall down and go boom a few times as I learn to walk...LOL!! Thank you for understanding, Sis!

Anonymous said...

In a year we will be so happy! So in order to make that happen we have to practice the happy. Sometimes you have to pretend, in order to convince yourself, hey, I'm fine!

I have other things to overcome besides weight. I also have a panic disorder, it keeps me from driving to Seattle and other places too far or scary. I should start a blog about THAT.

antgirl said...

Yaaay! I'm glat you're staying. I've been running out of time lately. Instead of writing a blog, I'm just trying to be caught up. :)

Rettakat said...

Well Mary, you are ahead of me on this journey. I think if I quit now, I might as well buy a casket and plot..and I am not ready for that!!

I hear ya on the time thing...you are right in the middle of wonderful and exciting career changes...go for it!!

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