Good Afternoon Journal,
I have learned something about this journey...
I now know that ultimately, if it is to be, it is up to me. I, and I alone, am responsible for the state of my being, and that includes the weight on this body.
But I didn't always know that. Back a few years when I started this journey, trotting along after the Dr Phil Weight Loss Challenge, I was desperate for fellow sojourners...for someone, anyone, who understood what it felt like to be 460 pounds. For others to accept me, and feel like I had something in common with people on the same road to wellness. To belong to a group who was DOING it, not just talking about it.
Not that *I* was necessarily doing it yet...I was "trying". There is a difference. There is trying...and there is doing. BIG DIFFERENCE.
Anyway, after spending a lot of time online (at that time there was NO support in my real life), I hooked up with a group of others with like mind. It wittled down over time to a handful of women who I now count as my real friends. We have kept in touch all these years, and I am so grateful they accepted me into the "circle". In real life, it has always been hard for me to make friends, for many reasons...but they ARE my friends. One of my goals is to lose weight and get healthy enough for travel, and we will have one fantastic reunion in the real world!
And now, on this leg of my journey, I am surprised to discover a whole new universe out there of weight loss bloggers who have been open, generous, encouraging and friendly. Who knew!??
Yet even after saying all that, today I realized that I feel differently now than when I started this journey. Today I know something that I didn't know back then...that I am enough.
That I can do this, whether anyone else cares or not.
That I must be my own Best Friend.
That the best and most permanent motivation comes from within.
That I am the best Trainer for ME.
That it is MY choice to do this, and at the end of the day, when everyone else is offline and asleep, it is me and my choices that will prevail. No one is here to hold my hand and cajole me into making the healthy choices except ME. Personally, I believe that God is walking this journey with me, and that is enough. I can't make excuses and point to what "they" did or did not do. They each have their own journeys.
I am not saying I don't want them anymore, that I am such hot stuff and have it all together that I can play Lone Ranger. I am saying that I don't NEED them...but I WANT them. There is a fundamental difference.
The love, care, encouragement, acceptance, motivation, inspiration, friendship and companionship along this journey that was extended to me are something for which I will forever be thankful.
It got me GOING when I thought I couldn't do it alone.
...helped to launch me when I had no confidence in my ability to do this.
...kept me going when I doubted and struggled.
...and was sort of like healthy SEEDS that were planted in me, into the soil of my heart.
And finally, they started to sprout, growing over the years...and now I feel like there is a strong tree growing there, that has deepening roots and it can't be blown down. It can now survive all kinds of weather...droughts, hot, cold...and it will survive and thrive.
(click pic to enlarge)
Some day I hope that others will be able to benefit from the shade my branches offer...to be nutured from the fruit I hope to grow. This is one of my goals, one of my dreams...to be able to pay it forward. To give back...to show what can happen if you just never give up. That even if it seems impossible...even if you have sooo far to go...even if others don't believe in you...that
CHANGE IS POSSIBLE...
BY MAKING ONE GOOD CHOICE AT A TIME.
From Dr Phil's book: "Putting into action everything you've learned is critical to keeping your positive momentum alive."