Day 61 of ReStart, Friday Oct 9, 09
Good Afternoon, Journal!
As this week rolled on, I had the nagging feeling something was wrong...but I didn't know WHAT.
Monday was great...got so much done and was tickled and feeling so gooood about it! I only had one thing that didn't get finished.
Tuesday was pretty good...but didn't get a couple of things done, and still had that one left-over from Monday...
Wednesday came, and I was starting to feel pressured...how am I going to get all this done?? The whole idea was to get caught up, not end up MORE behind than ever...
Thursday arrived, and was a disaster from the start. By evening, I was tired and in pain...feeling stressed and pressured... hungry... frustrated ...embarrassed... resentful... scared I would get out of control again.... I was SURE something was wrong, but couldn't put my finger on it. And again, I ate too much.
As I lay in bed last night, TRYING to be grateful...I found myself whining to God instead of thanking Him. Good thing God has big shoulders! He can take it...In fact, after I unloaded on Him, I got something back...right as I started to drift off to sleep, I suddenly saw clearly just what had gone wrong with my week. It was so simple, why didn't I see it sooner??!
It was: TOO MUCH, TOO FAST....for ME.
I had all these big goals that my HEAD wanted to accomplish, but my BODY couldn't keep up with. In other words:
UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS
....a sure way to set yourself up for guaranteed failure!!
I mean, I am still in a wheelchair most of the time, for crying out loud! I fell into the same trap I tripped over in the past, that of comparing myself to others, and trying to "keep up." When am I going to learn?! (slaps hand to forehead!)
I didn't want to post this...I wanted to quietly "fix it" and not record this mistake to be set in stone for all of eternity. But...at the beginning, I promised to be honest. Sigh...So there it is...my big boo boo.
The positive thing is...once a problem is identified, it can be worked on! So, I am re-working my plan to get all caught up. Maybe I need to include one key ingredient: PATIENCE. Hmmm...ya think??
In working on my new plan, I decided not to make the classic mistake of not making time for FUN stuff! If I am wimp, then so be it. But I need something fun right now each day to look forward to...yep, I am 58 and still haven't grown up yet! ha ha ha
I thought about something that I just started doing recently, and it has been so much fun...a blast..so I plan to continue. I am a volunteer assistant, sort of amateur editor if you will, to an author! It is so much fun getting to assist someone with so much talent! She is currently uploading her first novel, The Complex, online. Anyone who wishes to follow along, chapter by chapter, can do so for free. The author is...ahem...my very own sister, Karen Elizabeth Brown. She is an R.N. (registered nurse), so her writing is laced with medical stuff, plus what I would call techno/mystery/futuristic, with a hint of fantasy...I mean, did you know there was an island off the coast of Oregon??!!!!
Anyway, it is so much fun for me to read the story, because I am getting to read it for the first time as we put it online, in serial form. Here is Karen's site: Musings, Memos, and Melancholy.
Enjoy!!
From Dr Phil's book: "Start behaving in ways that make you feel really good about yourself."
My verse for today: "For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you."
My quote for today: "Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the nonpharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure, and separates the victim from reality."--John W Gardner
Enjoy the Journey,
Loretta
=^..^=
8 comments:
I've been reading your blog for a little while now and I just wanted to pipe in and say, Thank you! I enjoy reading you and I love your little quotes. You're so positive and I appreciate very much your honesty. Today, in particular, your post struck a cord. Thanks again!
You're sister's first chapter is really good. I want to know what happens next!
REBEKAH: How nice of you! I really appreciate you saying this, especially today...it was a hard one to post. Thank you!
MOLLY: Oh, I am so glad you liked it. I had the same reaction...what happens next?!
Loretta
I get ya, I too am unable to keep up with what everyone else seems to be doing all the time. Today I felt guilty for not volunteering to do more at my kids swimming banquet party thing, and they kept saying how parents are obligated to help with a committee...I dont want to take on anything else. Everyone else though apparently wants every minute of their life occupied with activities and I am not like that. And you know I dont think I ever will be. I'm going at a slower pace always and maybe just maybe, everyone else is wrong in rushing. And I'm right in doing it slow!
Taking time to have fun is necessary!
Wow, I completely admire your honesty. Sometimes even though you know things in your heart, saying them out loud hurts so very much. Its like it makes them true some how. If you are strong enough to do that, then you are strong enough to make it!
Unrealistic expectations are the bane of an overweight persons existence. We all have them. Driven by the voices that ask us WHY we didn't lose 5 lbs instead of 2, or why we chose to eat this, instead of that, and if we had just walked for 10 more minutes and blah blah blah. We all want so badly to be better, and we all want it now. It is so understandable. We feel like we put ourselves in this position so we punish ourselves with incredibly harsh restrictions and unrealistic goals.
Good for you, for knowing yourself enough to realize that something was off. Kudos to you for being open to suggestion. ;)
NANCY: I wonder what people from 100 years ago would think at our frantic pace today!! I think you are probably the healthiest one of all with a slower pace... which includes time for fun. :-)
SCARLET: "If you are strong enough to do that, then you are strong enough to make it!" Thank you so much for your encouraging words, that really means a lot to me, I hadn't even thought of it that way!
Loretta
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Do your best to keep this blog true to you. Sometimes we want to write for the people reading, but that was not the intention when we started journaling.
Yes, it's nice to have the comments, but really, that's all they are. Comments. Comments on OUR life. That WE are living for US.
When you start modifying what you write in your journal for others, you lose what you are doing for you. Or a part of it, anyways.
Just my opinion, for what it's worth...
Hello "Shhh",
Thank you! I feel much the same way, but guess I never thought it out quite as clearly as you wrote it.
I just made a copy of what you said, and plan to paste it right up beside my computer!!! Excellent advice, and it sounds like you won your wisdom the old fashioned way... from experience.
Loretta
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