Hi there, Journal & Friends,
So much drama... I'm ready for some good old-fashioned BORING days. Quiet days, restful days, without unpleasant surprises for awhile.
This whole medical drama has stirred up a lot for me...the ways I have been treated over the years by medical personnel... avoiding getting exams because of size... not being able to fit into the exam gown... issues being written off as the result of obesity, when it was later confirmed NOT to be weight related. On the list goes. Obesity is cruel... it invades every area of our life, especially our health.
Since I was told there might be a possibility of not coming home, but being admitted for surgery when I went for that cat scan on Monday, I decided that on the way to the hospital, I had a "captive audience." I am "not a good surgical candidate", and that's why I haven't had knee replacement surgery yet. Only for a life or death situation would they risk surgery on me.
My husband is the "typical" man...not one to wallow in emotions. He didn't want to have "that" talk. But he had no choice, and finally listened. I didn't want there to be anything left unsaid between us, just because he thought it was not a good sign of "faith" to be talking about this. I assured him I WAS planning on coming home again. But come on, I'm not God, and no I'm not PLANNING on dying, but I can't see the future.
So... I told him how much he meant to me... and we talked about family, and what to do with some special things, and who to call and email, etc.
Then, I told him I wanted for him to keep getting in shape again, and when he was ready, emotionally, to remarry. Of course, now he is protesting... but I told him I loved him and that nothing could make me happier than knowing he wouldn't be alone and lonely.
When life's pressures squeeze us, what is inside gets squeezed out. We get to see what we are really made of.. what we really believe. That's a good thing.
I saw Jim be strong and dependable, an absolute rock to lean on.
I felt the loving presence of my God, bringing calm and encouragement.
I was overwhelmed by all the kind things my bloggyland friends said to me.
And was so grateful that many of you even prayed for me.
I was reminded what was really important, and what wasn't. And how fast it can all be taken away.
I discovered one big thing: I'm not ready to go.
Oh, I don't mean it's not settled between me and God. That's gold. But I mean I REALLY had plans that were not just dreams and wishes, but they were solid and real to me, and I WANTED TO LIVE THEM STILL!!
Oh, I don't mean it's not settled between me and God. That's gold. But I mean I REALLY had plans that were not just dreams and wishes, but they were solid and real to me, and I WANTED TO LIVE THEM STILL!!
It lit a fire under me to somehow find a way to make progress on this journey and LIVE along the way, too.
I'm thinking of my priorities... how I spend my time, which IS my life. I don't want to waste this gift of time.
Hopefully, it's the end of this chapter of my book called Loretta's Journey from 460 to 199.
I'm ready for a new chapter!
From Dr Phil's book: "What is true about you in your mind, you will live."
My verse for today: "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you"
My quote for today: "So long, and thanks for all the fish..." --Dolphins song, in Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy
8 comments:
awwww you are an amazing woman Rhetta! I think you will be here a long time. :-)
I hope so, too, Retta Cat. You don't need anything else coming at you for awhile.
Yes, live. It's the one thing that keeps me going at it without regrets. And when I start to whine, I remind myself of my life and how blessed I am because I chose to live it.
It's the best darn thing I could have done for myself. Yup, better than losing the weight and getting healthier. Because it makes me want to stay healthier and free of too much weight.
Being lit up is not over-rated. Being happy is not over-rated. It comes from inside. It comes from being good to ourselves in all ways and not depriving ourselves of something we need. If it sparks us, we need it. :D
Wow! You are such a powerful writer. The talk you had with the hubs sounds scary, but nice. I admire you for having such a sensible talk at such a tough time. Loretta is in control of her life!
Your new chapter is here! I really am so proud to know you. BIG HUGS!
I am so glad that you and Jim have each other. :)
Straight talks are so important. Most of all everyone of us should call those special someones and love all over them.
So excited for the next Chapter
When Tim went to Iraq for the last time, he had a 'bad feeling'..so we had that talk.
What did he want for his funeral...what he wanted for the kids.
It's those kind of talks that bring life into focus.
I hope it brought to you, what you want your next years to look like.
That is a real gift.
Every day is.
You brought tears to my eyes, Loretta.
Perhaps because I was close to there myself this week. Not at risk of dying this minute like you were, of course, but having the whole pre-cancer and then, maybe cancer, thing in one month kind of threw me.
I didn't have 'the talk' but I had the thoughts. You may be surprised by this next statement--I probably should put it in an email privately, but I'm not.
After the biopsy came back re: the polyps, I also realized that I wasn't ready to die--and that realization was SHOCKING to me.
Really. It was a completely new feeling. I felt my mouth drop open when I realized that I no longer thought that dying was good news.
Like so mnay things on this journey, I just turned that thought/feeling over in my mind and gazed on it a bit.
Life is getting interesting, isn't it girlfriend?
Deb
Incredible - you have a real gift of self-expression.
And look at the progress...the faith in action...and trust you have.
Update:
http://cincimom11.blogspot.com/2010/04/spring-challenge-week-4-progress.html
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