Hi Journal & Friends,
Yesterday, as I sat crying while washing dishes, I had an epiphany. A light bulb moment. A breakthrough. An honest-to-gosh aha moment!
I realized WHY I had been so frustrated, so short-tempered, so irritated, so demoralized, so down and discouraged.... since last Saturday.
Because I wasn't using FOOD to numb those feelings.
But... and here is what set it all off... I wasn't able to easily use the NEW coping techniques I had been using, either.
My husband has been home since last Saturday, sick. It's now Wednesday. I couldn't rudely blast my music... I couldn't get lost in a nice book-on-tape without constant interruption. Even listening to my music on my ipod was repeatedly interrupted.
Just to find uninterrupted computer time has been a big hassle. I am not having my usual time to be quiet and connect to my feelings. I am struggling to keep up with basic chores, let alone find time for things that give me joy.
Bottomline, my frustration level was so high, I just wanted to scream!!
Chris (A Deliberate Life) left a comment for Alan (Foolsfitness) that caught my eye. Here is part of what she said:
"...It doesn't matter why.
If you set a calorie cap, and stop eating you will figure out why.
Because all the crap you're cramming down with the food will come up and out.
When you really want to binge, it's a good time to sit down and ask yourself why...
You will discover what you are eating to cover if you get past that urge and wait.
It's hard though...
Is it boredom, loneliness, sadness or anger.
You won't know until you put down the food and listen."
And that is exactly what happened to me... the stress and pressure from always feeling behind, not having the time to pursue my dreams, not having the mobility to get stuff done quickly so I WOULD have more time, wondering if it was just all pointless because it's just too little too late, lack of sleep, frustration at a painful infection in my left hand, yet again... on and on it poured out.
So... my point is... without any sort of DIVERSIONS, the feelings finally came bursting through to the surface. And that's a good thing in the long run.
In a way, I kind of feel GOOD to realize that these new coping mechanisms DID replace the food. I didn't bury myself in a vat of mac n cheese, or make a midnight run for extra crispy at KFC. And I haven't in over a year. So SOMETHING is working.
And while I may not enjoy the crummy feelings, they do expose my faulty thinking, since they are the by-product of my thoughts. So this is useful information, and tells me where my thinking needs cleaned up! And for that I'm thankful.
That's what I'm working on now... cleaning up my stinkin thinkin. :-)
From Dr Phil's book: "What you really want is to feel better about yourself."
My verse for today: "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
My quote for today: "Every thought is a seed. If you plant crab apples, don't count on harvesting Golden Delicious." --Bill Meyer