Wednesday, April 14, 2010

DAY 248 Light Bulb Moment

Hi Journal & Friends,

Yesterday, as I sat crying while washing dishes, I had an epiphany. A light bulb moment. A breakthrough. An honest-to-gosh aha moment!

I realized WHY I had been so frustrated, so short-tempered, so irritated, so demoralized, so down and discouraged.... since last Saturday.

Because I wasn't using FOOD to numb those feelings. 

But... and here is what set it all off... I wasn't able to easily use the NEW coping techniques I had been using, either

My husband has been home since last Saturday, sick. It's now Wednesday. I couldn't rudely blast my music... I couldn't get lost in a nice book-on-tape without constant interruption. Even listening to my music on my ipod was repeatedly interrupted.

Just to find uninterrupted computer time has been a big hassle. I am not having my usual time to be quiet and connect to my feelings. I am struggling to keep up with basic chores, let alone find time for things that give me joy.

Bottomline, my frustration level was so high, I just wanted to scream!!

Chris (A Deliberate Life)  left a comment for Alan (Foolsfitness)  that caught my eye. Here is part of what she said:

"...It doesn't matter why.
If you set a calorie cap, and stop eating you will figure out why.
Because all the crap you're cramming down with the food will come up and out.
When you really want to binge, it's a good time to sit down and ask yourself why...
You will discover what you are eating to cover if you get past that urge and wait.
It's hard though...
Is it boredom, loneliness, sadness or anger.
You won't know until you put down the food and listen."

And that is exactly what happened to me... the stress and pressure from always feeling behind, not having the time to pursue my dreams, not having the mobility to get stuff done quickly so I WOULD have more time, wondering if it was just all pointless because it's just too little too late, lack of sleep, frustration at a painful infection in my left hand, yet again... on and on it poured out.

So... my point is... without any sort of DIVERSIONS, the feelings finally came bursting through to the surface. And that's a good thing in the long run.

In a way, I kind of feel GOOD to realize that these new coping mechanisms DID replace the food. I didn't bury myself in a vat of mac n cheese, or make a midnight run for extra crispy at KFC. And I haven't in over a year. So SOMETHING is working. 

And while I may not enjoy the crummy feelings, they do expose my faulty thinking, since they are the by-product of my thoughts. So this is useful information, and tells me where my thinking needs cleaned up! And for that I'm thankful.

That's what I'm working on now... cleaning up my stinkin thinkin.  :-)

From Dr Phil's book: "What you really want is to feel better about yourself."

My verse for today: "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

My quote for today: "Every thought is a seed. If you plant crab apples, don't count on harvesting Golden Delicious." --Bill Meyer


Leslie said...

Wonderful post, Loretta. So true - and why it can be so hard to stay the course over the long haul. The buried stuff eventually unearths, rises to consciousness, and often feels like sh*t. But I remind myself that if I'm burying the bad feelings, I'm blunting the good ones too, because food can't distinguish between them! So it's an overall numbed out existence. So glad you're feeling this kind of progress.

Anonymous said...

Hey, Loretta. :) It occurred to me that the absence of food-numbing was at the root when I read your post. It did not occur to me--because I didn't realize what your coping mechanisms did for you (to you?) until you said it--that there was an additional element to it.

So grateful for lightbulb moments. :)


Seth said...

Chris is a stinkin' weight loss/fitness jedi master.

Good post!

that TOPS lady said...

How guilty I feel---while reading this, I am numbing myself with hamburger helper----when what I really need is a nap because I am sleepy from my allergy meds. (I'm having a HORRIBLE allergy day---my eyes are so bloodshot!). I'm so glad you wrote this. I WILL nap today....and soon.

Debbie said...

Another wonderful post! I have always used food as a coping mechanism and it's hard to let go of it and face the things making me want to overeat. It's tough, but an essential part of the journey!

Thank goodness for Chris and lightbulb moments!


Anonymous said...

well i think alot of people will relate to this post. I will have to remember next time I feel crappy, its actually a good sign, that I am not stuffing my feelings down with food and so hurray for feeling like crap now and then! I think maybe you should write a book. As simple as it seems, many people feel like crap and want to eat food, I know I do. Maybe a chapter of your book could be "You will feel like crap - this is a good sign!"

M Pax said...

What a break-through. You should be proud and celebrating this. You felt the feelings instead of eating them. Even though you didn't cope as great as you wanted, you did it without food. That's an amazing step.

I like my 'alone' quiet time, too. So, I can understand all that.

Ice Queen said...

Holy crap, Loretta!! *headdesk*

Now I get the grouch... The snapping at Husband and Son, the random outbursts. At least some of them. Makes sense. I am not feeding and numbing out, I am feeling and I am expressing these feelings.

*light bulb goes on and floods brain with light*

Guess the boyz need to get used to Wifey and Mom being a bit more verbal and vociferous. *evil grin*

Thank you for this post. Seriously.

Thank you. :D

whyweight said...

WOW! Your epiphany is my epiphany now. I was trying to figure out why I was so cranky and frustrated lately...even a little weepy and not knowing why. I think you hit the nail on the head for me. I am almost feeling kind of "duh".

cmoursler said...

well, I feel
I am glad something I said helped.
That was my biggest hurdle for years...using food for everything and being afraid of feeling it. I was afraid of feelings.
I sit at the feet of master yoda in all things...
do or do not..there is no try.

Shelli Belly said...

Can you say FOG LIGHT?

There are reasons for actions.
And as Dr Phil says, "What's the payoff?"
Numbness from food avoidance of emotions.
(Talking to myself ... Time to face it).

This reminds me of when I couldn't figure out why I kept waking up in the middle of the night with Praise Songs in my head ... I wasn't spending quiet time with the Lord.

I know this is a weird comment I thought if I just thought out loud it might help someone else. You're post really hit home today.

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