Wednesday, February 2, 2011

FEB 2 Oops, I (almost) Did It Again

Hi there Journal & Friends, 

I was walking near the edge, and almost fell over... into the Canyon of Comparison.

I read lots of blogs. Probably too many, actually. After all, there is only so much time in the day. But there are so many wonderful stories being told... so many interesting lives... so much hard-won wisdom being shared.

But I started to compare myself. I didn't realize it at first. I just felt this "pressure" recently whenever I sat to write a post. 

To be like so and so 
To write it this way or that way
To "be" the way this blogger is 
To write like They think it should be written

Last night I read post by Karen at Before & After: A Real Life Story. 

And I sat bolt upright, because she described how I was feeling, only hadn't been able to put my finger on it:

"And then it hit me: I was back in the mode of thinking, even though I’ve written a book and am gearing up to be a speaker, I don’t think it’s “enough” even though I haven’t even had a chance to do it yet! And at the basis of my dithering and slight panic was the old thought: ”I’m not enough…I have to do something I’m not comfortable doing…I have to be something I am not…in order to be valuable.”

That part about "I'm not enough", and feeling like I had to do more... that really hit home.

And I realized that I was comparing myself to those other blogs. And was feeling "less than".  Now please don't go leaving reassuring comments, patting me on the back. I am NOT fishing for compliments, reassurance, permission, approval, etc.  I am just saying... I am going back to my roots, to why I started my blog in the first place.

And it was not to please anyone else. I needed help! It was for me. To help me focus. To write about stuff I needed to read. To explore ideas and things I was interested in. If someone else was helped, that was a wonderful bonus, because I know the pain of morbid obesity... of not being who you want to be, who you know you could be.

This is ME: 
I refuse to wallow in the negatives, in my shortcomings, in my  downfalls, in what I lack. Those weeds have enough power, without watering them so they can grow bigger! I try to be honest and acknowledge them, but not DWELL on them. In my mind I am a work in progress. 

And I want to put my focus on that Becoming part.

If that bothers anyone, then there are sooo many wonderful blogs out there from which to choose! I am me, and I refuse to allow the judgement of others to bring me down any longer. Yes, I have allowed criticism to make me second guess myself... to doubt myself. But guess what?? This is MY blog. If they don't like what I write, why on earth read it??! Don't waste your time... go somewhere else!

I am learning and growing. I do what I do now because that is what I KNOW to do. Tomorrow I might have a new understanding, and it might be time to shift gears. I am not set in stone... I am fluid and changing. 

A butterfly starts out as a hairy worm. Does that make the caterpillar part of it's journey "less than"?? Obviously not. It's all it knew at the time... it's who it was.

I really like what Karen said on her blog about self-acceptance and loving herself. And how that freed her to become who she was meant to be... a healthier and whole person. Her emphasis shifted from the struggle and obsession with weight loss, to whole wellness. From a number on the scale to a healthy life.

I can see why someone might judge me and mock me when they don't know my heart. They don't understand the process of Becoming... of changing, of emerging. 

I do tend to talk about things I "want" to become... things that maybe I feel are inside me in seed form, or at least seeds I am planting within. Or, other things that are sprouting and reaching out and up for the sun... trying to survive and thrive. And maybe not everyone sees that... or approves of that... 

And I smile, because at last, I think I'm okay with that. Because *I* know I am in flux... in the process of change, of emergence, of Becoming. And no one can take that from me.

I guess sometimes we just have to get feisty... and not allow anyone--ourselves or anyone else--to take this from us. :-)

From Dr Phil's book: "This is about you, your weight and your health; it is not about them."

My verse for today: "The Lord is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation."

My quote for today: "Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the GREAT people make you feel that you, too, can become GREAT!" --Mark Twain

Enjoy the Journey,


DAY 537


kristi said...

Great post, I agree 100%!

Anonymous said...

Excellent post and I really love that fluid, changing picture.

I really love your blog because of who you are and what you say...I think the YOU shines through and I never feel like you are trying to be anyone else or trying to impress anyone.

Hugs to you Loretta!

A New Dawn For Me said...

I'm just starting out and like you - I feel this urge to blog FOR ME. I'm writing down the things I write for me. Its good to re-visit that and remind ourselves why we blog. Its great if what we write helps or interests someone else but primarily it is for ourselves.

Anonymous said...

Here's to being real--and to becoming realer. :)


Anonymous said...

I know you're not fishing for compliments, Loretta. That's the thing about blog world. People think that you are thinking like them and then it all goes haywire. We really need to just be us, because that's how we learn from one another - putting the pieces together, gathering great ideas; what works for us, what doesn't. Suggestions are great...but don't tell us what to do (lol) or judge or criticize...we are all on this journey alone.

Cinner said...

I too agree 100 %....I too like you want the energy, the mobility and the freedom. Keep on your journey...c

Christine said...

This life is yours. IT's yours to live in and yours to die in. Nobody else is going to do it for they can take a flying leap.
I liked you then, like you now and will continue to like you...have at ye.

Karen Elizabeth Brown said...

It's really interesting to me to hear you voice this today. I've read a couple of other blogs that said they were feeling inadequate or not up to it. I know you are writing this blog for yourself, but it truly speaks to me because of my own feelings of not being able to "do it right". But you've taken the right step. You've spoken out against those feelings and have stopped the fall into the canyon. I guess it's always good to wear a parachute when you chase the road runner! LOL!

PeacefulBird said...

Ditto Deb's comment.

And, yes, it is difficult in the blog world not to be influenced by readers and their comments as well as by the opinions and writing style of other bloggers. The influence can be good, can help us grow, can be inspirational. At other times it can start a subtle shift, dragging us away from who we are, away from our original purpose in writing. I feel it too sometimes and have to struggle to get back to me. Thanks for putting it in words!

Christina said...

Good for you!!!! I still have to say it: We come here because we care about you and love reading what you write. We love what you write because YOU write it. :)

Rock on.

'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

I was there reading what you had to say and thinking: I like this Loretta, and trying to think of the word to describe how you were coming across and then there it was- fiesty! You are one of only a couple weight loss blogs I read because you are indeed real. Good for you, once again. Being true to yourself never gets old.

Jules - Big Girl Bombshell said...

Yes..I love reading Karen...Comparison is just a hard thing not to do..but it certainly is worth the effort, isn't it?....
I go through that not enough ALL the time...and your blog Loretta...I won't say any of those things because you asked me not to BUT...well YOU KNOW...xoxo

dailyseeking said...

I will leave an encouraging word because your comments on my blog always speak to me! May God's Grace pour over you today!

MizFit said...

As always I love your attitude, Sister.
Youre a misfit like I am :) and filled with the NEVER ENDING FIEST (is that a word? lets make it a word!) that I seek to maintain.

Sharon said...

Good job, Loretta! We all need to step back from time to time and remind ourselves why we started blogging in the first place and what we hope to achieve by it. Karen does write good stuff that makes you think, doesn't she?

Patsy said...

Great post! :o) I was 'pushed' into started a blog by Lori-Anne (Amazon Runner) and I've never regretted it. Funnily enough, it's not one area of my life I 'compare' with others (apart from follower envy of some of the big hitters!) BUT... I do have a tendency to think along the "not good enough" lines in other areas of my life... Thank you for making me really THINK about that. :o)

Bringing Pretty Back said...

Loretta, YES we do need to get FEISTY sometimes! That is TRUE!
Have a pretty day!

Anonymous said...

Loretta I used to do that. Now I just write for me. Seriously have no desire to be like anyone but myself. Someone hurt my feeligns the other day on facebook and said I was not a good writer. My first thought was not to improve my writing. It was to tell this person thanks for your opinion, but if you dont like it, dont read it!!! They were so angry they unleashed a torrent of meanness and I thought, "gee, thanks for showing me what a big meanie you are and how I do not want this type of energy in my life. I will delete you now! LOL"

I love your blog for its "Retta-ness" very artsy and calm and encouraging. Don't change it.

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