Hi there Journal & Friends,
I was walking near the edge, and almost fell over... into the Canyon of Comparison.
I read lots of blogs. Probably too many, actually. After all, there is only so much time in the day. But there are so many wonderful stories being told... so many interesting lives... so much hard-won wisdom being shared.
But I started to compare myself. I didn't realize it at first. I just felt this "pressure" recently whenever I sat to write a post.
To be like so and so
To write it this way or that way
To "be" the way this blogger is
To write like They think it should be written
Last night I read post by Karen at Before & After: A Real Life Story.
And I sat bolt upright, because she described how I was feeling, only hadn't been able to put my finger on it:
"And then it hit me: I was back in the mode of thinking, even though I’ve written a book and am gearing up to be a speaker, I don’t think it’s “enough” even though I haven’t even had a chance to do it yet! And at the basis of my dithering and slight panic was the old thought: ”I’m not enough…I have to do something I’m not comfortable doing…I have to be something I am not…in order to be valuable.”
That part about "I'm not enough", and feeling like I had to do more... that really hit home.
And I realized that I was comparing myself to those other blogs. And was feeling "less than". Now please don't go leaving reassuring comments, patting me on the back. I am NOT fishing for compliments, reassurance, permission, approval, etc. I am just saying... I am going back to my roots, to why I started my blog in the first place.
And it was not to please anyone else. I needed help! It was for me. To help me focus. To write about stuff I needed to read. To explore ideas and things I was interested in. If someone else was helped, that was a wonderful bonus, because I know the pain of morbid obesity... of not being who you want to be, who you know you could be.
This is ME:
I refuse to wallow in the negatives, in my shortcomings, in my downfalls, in what I lack. Those weeds have enough power, without watering them so they can grow bigger! I try to be honest and acknowledge them, but not DWELL on them. In my mind I am a work in progress.
I am BECOMING.
And I want to put my focus on that Becoming part.
If that bothers anyone, then there are sooo many wonderful blogs out there from which to choose! I am me, and I refuse to allow the judgement of others to bring me down any longer. Yes, I have allowed criticism to make me second guess myself... to doubt myself. But guess what?? This is MY blog. If they don't like what I write, why on earth read it??! Don't waste your time... go somewhere else!
I am learning and growing. I do what I do now because that is what I KNOW to do. Tomorrow I might have a new understanding, and it might be time to shift gears. I am not set in stone... I am fluid and changing.
A butterfly starts out as a hairy worm. Does that make the caterpillar part of it's journey "less than"?? Obviously not. It's all it knew at the time... it's who it was.
I really like what Karen said on her blog about self-acceptance and loving herself. And how that freed her to become who she was meant to be... a healthier and whole person. Her emphasis shifted from the struggle and obsession with weight loss, to whole wellness. From a number on the scale to a healthy life.
I can see why someone might judge me and mock me when they don't know my heart. They don't understand the process of Becoming... of changing, of emerging.
I do tend to talk about things I "want" to become... things that maybe I feel are inside me in seed form, or at least seeds I am planting within. Or, other things that are sprouting and reaching out and up for the sun... trying to survive and thrive. And maybe not everyone sees that... or approves of that...
And I smile, because at last, I think I'm okay with that. Because *I* know I am in flux... in the process of change, of emergence, of Becoming. And no one can take that from me.
I guess sometimes we just have to get feisty... and not allow anyone--ourselves or anyone else--to take this from us. :-)
From Dr Phil's book: "This is about you, your weight and your health; it is not about them."
My verse for today: "The Lord is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation."
My quote for today: "Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the GREAT people make you feel that you, too, can become GREAT!" --Mark Twain
Enjoy the Journey,