Sunday, February 13, 2011

FEB 13 Feelin' Sad

Hello Journal & Friends,

I was talking to my sister, Karen, Saturday, and heard myself talking about someone ELSE who was "playing ostrich". You know... sticking their head in the sand, avoiding facing a thing. 

Uh oh. 

Later, I realized I had been doing the same thing. I had been avoiding some very deep feelings of sadness.  As if by avoiding them, they would eventually fade away. Yeah... right. How's that workin' for ya??!! It's not, for the last couple of weeks.

So... I'm sitting here, finally feeling it. And it stinks. But it's better than soothing it with food. 

And I think it's legit, this feeling... I don't feel guilty or anything. I guess I thought if I gave in to "feeling it", I might get stuck there and wallow, once again, in self-pity. So my brilliant plan to avoid THAT was to not feel the sadness. Duh! Yet it's still there, just under the surface, putting pressure on me to soothe it. Aaagghhh!!!!

Why sad?? Because I thought missing out on life was behind me.

That I had made all this progress, and I was back participating in life again. Yet there were TWO events recently I missed out on, due to lack of mobility... which is due in large part to my size.

And it hurts... very much.

One was an important family get-together, and due to where it was held I couldn't go (it was not wheelchair accessible). The other was an all-day workshop and seminar for Christian artists that I was invited to attend. Again, due the length of it and other details... I had to decline. And believe me, I am usually a "can do" thinker. I spent DAYS trying to figure out a way. But reality caught up with me, and I had to admit it was just too soon... I didn't yet have the strength and mobility to do what was needed for this hands-on workshop.

And I am sad and in tears... I guess I thought missing out was behind me, and I wasn't emotionally prepared to accept it again. 

We don't get our way in life all the time, do we? That's life. It is what it is... and whatever other cliche's you want to stick in at this point. :-}

All I can do is continue... to get stronger, to get more mobile, and tell myself that NEXT time I won't miss out. But honestly, that doesn't lessen the sting. Just being honest here.

This feeling-our-feelings thing, instead of numbing them with food... no one ever said it was easy. But it's what I've gotta do. It's normal... a part of life. And I can't avoid it and play ostrich. I want to learn to promptly face my stuff, not stuff my face. Process it, and move on. Always moving on. 

From Dr Phil's book: "Heal your feelings so that your eating behavior is no longer fueled by harmful emotions."

My verse for today: "I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul."

My quote for today: "Getting out of shape is like a thief in the night that sneaks up on you. I always tell people that it is never too late. I tell them about the folks in their 90's that doubled their strength and endurance." --Jack LaLanne

Enjoy the Journey,


DAY 548


dailyseeking said...

Life is not fair; pray you feel better as the day goes on.

Jules Big Girl Bombshell said...

I am going to post this on my mirror

Face my Stuff...NOT....Stuff my Face!

Lanie said...

I'm sure there was something very meaningful I was about to say but my mind went completely blank when I saw the adorable puppy!

Anonymous said...

I am a secret admirer of your blog and YOU. Your optimism, perseverance, strength, honesty, success, artistic ability, (and so much more) truly inspire me. Please know there must be many others like me who are rooting for you, holding you up as you progress toward your goals.

Anonymous said...

Reality is painful sometimes. I'm sorry you're experiencing that pain.

i can not bring myself to offer soothing cliche's even tho it would close this comment on an upbeat. I like tidy closes. Real life is often not tidy.

Prayers--for us both,


Leslie said...

So sorry you're feeling sad, but inspired and GLAD that you're alive and able to have and feel feelings. It really is hard sometimes, and grieving the things you had to miss rather than stuffing the sadness keeps you on the path to what you're working so hard to do, and have already done a lot of.

Thanks for having the courage to face your feelings and to share them with us.

M Pax said...

Oh, I am sorry for your disappointments. As the rejection queen, I can relate. On the plus side, you can use these things as incentives to push you so the next time they come up you will be able to accept. That was and remains my main impetus for staying healthy - so I can achieve my dreams.

Sadness is legitimate. If you fear wallowing, set a time limit. I can wallow for 20 minutes at x time. Set a timer. Then go do something to shift your thoughts / moods, like art or something. I used that technique when struggling with the big D. Writing is what I went did after the wallowing was done. I lost myself in far off places. Still do. Supressing my emotions is what led to trouble.

Reality is harsh sometimes. But you can choose to be in a better place next time opportunity comes around. It could turn into powerful motivation for you. Hope that wasn't too annoyingly optimistic. Hugs to ya!

Anonymous said...

You are a can do thinker and that's why I love you so. Even can do thinkers have feelings (usually more so than others) and I would be sad too. I tink we must feel our feelings, get through them, learn and move on, otherwise there is a great likelihood we will "eat" them down. Not a judgment but, why was an important family get-together held in a place that wasn't accessible to you? Hope it was just circumstances or an oversight. If I were related to you I would make sure everything was held where you could make it. It would be such a loss not to have you and your wonderful soul present. Love you.

x said...

Sorry you are sad ...I think you ought to try to kick it up a notch with your workouts. I know you had great adaptations and I often looked forward to you talking about rocking your way and sometimes struggling some too through your work outs. Add 10% more time or double up smaller blocks of time to workout through out your day and build endurance and strength by tracking that as carefully as your food. You are headed in the right direction, trust the process.

Anonymous said...

Sorry you are feeling sad, but I am thrilled that you are honouring your feeling by facing them. This is great stuff Loretta and coming out the other side is a much stronger, more able, beautiful lady!

I went back to yoga last week and wondered if you had continued on with chair yoga?

You are in my thoughts...and they are all positive for you!

Take care. Hugs.

Joy said...

Girl...I hate that you are missing out!! Hate it for you!! And for the rest of us who need you!!! There are so many people out there who need to hear your story, need to see you success and need to see you beautiful art. You are an inspriation!!! Yet you are stuck...stuck in place. Break out of this place!! Do everything you can EVERYDAY to break out of this prison!! Don't look at the whole picture. Just do what you need to do each day. You have come so far....You have what it takes to make it the distance!!! Do it!!! We need you!!!

Much hugs to you today!!

Keep focused!!

'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

Not really sure what to say... I really can't imagine all the things you have had to miss out on. The world misses out as well when you are unable to participate in the way you really want to. Hopefully as your journey continues in a more positive direction physically, you will be able to celebrate what you CAN do more and more. You have so much to share with the world.

PeacefulBird said...

And now? NOW how do you feel, having identified and written about the cause of your sadness?

Are you still feeling sad? If so, maybe there's something else UNDER the sadness about your temporary return to missing out on life? What might that be?

Any way I look at it, feeling those feelings is W*A*A*A*A*A*Y better than smothering them with food. I'm so proud of you for that and so glad you decided to write about it. Bravo, Loretta!

Cindy said...

Dear Loretta, I so understood this post because with my illness I missed so much that I wanted to do. Please don't give up, you are going to do all the things you want to do, you just keep going for now, little by little we will get closer to living our best lives. One day at a time, it is okay to be sad but don't focus on what you can not do, focus on your achievments so far and all the ones to come. holding your hand along the way. bug hug.

Mom to the Fourth Power said...

I'm sorry. I hope you feel better. You are a wonderful woman who has so much to give others and who helps to motivate and inspire others, me included. I hope God will help you feel joy. Blessings your way...

MizFit said...


you shine a bright lite into so so so many of our worlds.

Thank you.


Hanlie said...

Hi Loretta, I am new to your blog, but will definitely visit again. A piece of advice that really spoke to me this past week was "Don't feel bad about feeling bad". It made so much sense!

Christine said...

It sucks, period. I am sorry. Next year you will make it...make it a goal. Big hugs.

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