I was talking to my sister, Karen, Saturday, and heard myself talking about someone ELSE who was "playing ostrich". You know... sticking their head in the sand, avoiding facing a thing.
Hello Journal & Friends,
Later, I realized I had been doing the same thing. I had been avoiding some very deep feelings of sadness. As if by avoiding them, they would eventually fade away. Yeah... right. How's that workin' for ya??!! It's not, for the last couple of weeks.
So... I'm sitting here, finally feeling it. And it stinks. But it's better than soothing it with food.
And I think it's legit, this feeling... I don't feel guilty or anything. I guess I thought if I gave in to "feeling it", I might get stuck there and wallow, once again, in self-pity. So my brilliant plan to avoid THAT was to not feel the sadness. Duh! Yet it's still there, just under the surface, putting pressure on me to soothe it. Aaagghhh!!!!
Why sad?? Because I thought missing out on life was behind me.
That I had made all this progress, and I was back participating in life again. Yet there were TWO events recently I missed out on, due to lack of mobility... which is due in large part to my size.
And it hurts... very much.
One was an important family get-together, and due to where it was held I couldn't go (it was not wheelchair accessible). The other was an all-day workshop and seminar for Christian artists that I was invited to attend. Again, due the length of it and other details... I had to decline. And believe me, I am usually a "can do" thinker. I spent DAYS trying to figure out a way. But reality caught up with me, and I had to admit it was just too soon... I didn't yet have the strength and mobility to do what was needed for this hands-on workshop.
And I am sad and in tears... I guess I thought missing out was behind me, and I wasn't emotionally prepared to accept it again.
We don't get our way in life all the time, do we? That's life. It is what it is... and whatever other cliche's you want to stick in at this point. :-}
All I can do is continue... to get stronger, to get more mobile, and tell myself that NEXT time I won't miss out. But honestly, that doesn't lessen the sting. Just being honest here.
This feeling-our-feelings thing, instead of numbing them with food... no one ever said it was easy. But it's what I've gotta do. It's normal... a part of life. And I can't avoid it and play ostrich. I want to learn to promptly face my stuff, not stuff my face. Process it, and move on. Always moving on.
From Dr Phil's book: "Heal your feelings so that your eating behavior is no longer fueled by harmful emotions."
My verse for today: "I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul."
My quote for today: "Getting out of shape is like a thief in the night that sneaks up on you. I always tell people that it is never too late. I tell them about the folks in their 90's that doubled their strength and endurance." --Jack LaLanne
Enjoy the Journey,