Monday, June 6, 2011

JUNE 6th Memories & Determination



Hidy Ho Journal & Friends,

I've been thinking about my June 1st weigh in number... 333.

That number, 333, brings back painful memories. About 25 years ago I was horrified to hit 333. It was a wake up call, and I went and joined an expensive hospital-based program, where we had to weigh in weekly and get our photo taken at the beginning. I still have that photo somewhere. I remember feeling so humilitated when it was taken.


I couldn't find the original photo, but this one was at about that same time. I remember tucking my t-shirt in, thinking I wanted it to be accurate, and be a reeaallly bad before pic. If you would have told me I would have GAINED 127 MORE pounds, no way would I have believed you. Why, I would NEVER let that happen... not to me. My point is, don't think it could never happen to YOU. I didn't plan it... I didn't want it. But I didn't CHANGE on the INside, so kept making the same mistakes over and over.


Anyway... the program turned out to be a bad experience... won't go into all of that. I bombed out and eventually re-gained what I had lost, adding more to it, getting up to my all time highest of 460 lbs. 

But I remember the feelings of when I had started that program... the shame, the fear, the desperation. At that time, I was looking outside myself for help. I believed I "needed" something else to help me... a program, someone to pump me up, someone to tell me I could do it, that there was hope, that it was possible. I had failed so. many. times. I didn't know I could do it myself. 

I'm not talking about doing it without God... He is my Rock and source of strength. I am just saying I was dependent upon OUTside motivation.... OUTside inspiration. 

Is it easier when others support and encourage you? Oh, you bet your sweet bippy it is! But it's not necessary. 

It's more fun with companions, but it's not necessary. 

It's easier when my husband isn't fighting me every step of the way, but it's not necessary.

But for too long, I didn't know all that. Now I know different. Now I know God has given me everything I need to make it. It's up  to ME to motivate myself, to believe in myself, to accept that He has equipped me with enough know how now that I can do this. 



It's all in my choices. And I have the freedom to choose long-term health over immediate escape from whatever perceived stresses would push me to soothe it with food. I am determined to get this. I am determined to never, ever quit. I am determined that this WILL be my time, my turn.

Are "programs" good? Some are, absolutely... they are tools for when we need them. But I was DEPENDENT upon some outside program or force to carry me. It took time, but I finally figured out what would work for ME, and cobbled together my OWN plan. I had to find the motivation from WITHIN to do this, regardless of what was or wasn't going on around me.

Do I do it right all time?? Ha ha ha ha... nope. But in the long run, I'm doing it right more often than not, and if I never ever ever give up, I will get there. 

How fast is up to me...the less I putz around, the faster I will get there.

Okay, pep talk to myself over for today, LOL!





From Dr Phil's book: Don't just wake up every morning and react to what happens... Be proactive by setting goals and making plans for their attainment."

My verse for today: "The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge."

My quote for today: "People change for two reasons: They either learn so much they want to, or they hurt so bad they have to." --author unknown

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta
=^..^=

DAY 661

18 comments:

Deb Willbefree said...

I believe you'll get there, too!

You know, this may not apply to you, but I find that I have two weights that cause me trouble. One is breaking thru 190 and the other is breaking thru 175--and staying broken thru.

I've finally conquered the 190 roadblock, after many, many bounces up to 220 and back down, but oh that 175. I've been to 175 at least 10 times in this weight loss extravaganza. (It doesn't show that on my WL tally since I only record once a month)

I get below 180, begin to struggle, hit 175, struggle more. Go up a couple, down a couple, then seriously UP. I am determined to zero in on that 175 and break through permanently this time.

But, this post caused me to look at your WL tally over there and it seems that the 330s are tough for you. Maybe. You may have already scoped that out, of course, (especially considering the title of this post) but I just thought I'd mention it.

Does getting below 330 have some kind of emotional reaction for you? I actually feel my stomach tense up when I see 175. I have NO idea why...but every time I see that number, I feel panic rise. You'd think I was seeing bad news. :}

Deb

Rettakat said...

You're right, it seems I bounce in and out of these darned 330's over and over. I only briefly dipped below, then up again.

It doesn't show how many times that's happened, since like you, I only record once a month.

Don't know why... maybe it's just that to continue downward, I need to continue to change, and I've gotten too comfortable in some ways at this level. (Certainly not physically comfortable! But like, with the food portions) Hmmm... gonna give it some thought. :-)

Thanks for the input!

M Pax said...

I believe in you. Some nice blogger folk finally helped me fix my commenting issue - not blogger itself, but peeps I know.

If you believe it, you will achieve it.

It's a long road and it's not always easy. It's not. That's when we need the internal changes to power us forward. You're making great progress.

Kimberley said...

Great post! It made me want to get up and shake my pompoms...if I had any. :-)

Go L-O-R-E-T-T-A!!!

Beginning Anew said...

yes! yes! YES! If we never give up we will get there eventually! I love this! I know you are, can and will do this. I too have some weights that stump me - glad to know I am not alone! Keep it up! It's happening.

Christine said...

my roadblocks have historically been 156 and 138. I have been at 145 for a while now...new number? New issue? Or am I just comfortable here. Who knows. Time to go down though. You know it's bad whenyou would rather muck around in steer crap than lose 10 more pounds lol. You'll get there. And of course there is a drink AREA. LOL.

The Merry said...

It's all about perspective.
Me, I'm coming from the perspective of a person who didn't know you back then, so to me it's AWEsome that you've lost over 100 dang pounds!!! And yes, that deserves multiple exclamation points. In fact, I want to add a few more!!!!!

Princess Dieter said...

You know, it's not just you who wonders about those increases and those numbers we STICK to. I seemed to take FOREVER to get out of the 270s. It wasn't forever, just felt like it. ; ) And I once thought, "Oh, never over 200." Then I got to 299 and got so scared of 300 I immediately took action. It was difficult and crazy-slow, but I never got back up to the 2004 high of 299. 300 terrified me. TERRIFIED me.

Something abotu thee double-zero numbers is so "milestone" level. I guess like turning 30 or 40 or 50...

I believe that as long as you keep fighting and praying, breakthrough will come. Christ spoke of the importunate widow..she begged, pleaded, came to to the judge, and would not be told NO, because she wanted justice.

I believe we are created NOT to be obese, that this is a "broken" state we are in. And God's all about HEALING.

So, healing..come like mighty rushing waves and get us good and soaked in restorative waters!

Amen!

Thanks again for the doodle-use permission, Retta!

'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

I really like this post, and your last quote as well! After everything you have been through I too can see that you can and will come out on top.
As someone who never even saw all the changes that I have made in my life coming, I can honestly say that God (or whatever a person's higher power is called) can change people to an amazing degree.
If we knew when we started out on these journeys the life that would be there waiting for us in the end, we would literally run towards that finish line!

Lisa, motyok said...

Just wanted to leave a note saying I think you were beautiful in that photo too. No matter what weight you are, you are beautiful inside and out. I may never have met you face to face, but that smile.

Bringing Pretty Back said...

you know what I love about you... well , lots... but I love your honesty.
This post not only motivated you... but me as well. Thank you because I am struggling today with eating. working on my new business and the stress of it ... I want to eat.
Thanks for the pep talk!
Have a pretty day!
Kristin

Becky Baker Horn said...

You have come so far and if you keep holding God's hand and following Him, He will lead you where you need to go. Cheers and Hip, Hip, Hooray!

Anne H said...

Hip hip - away!
;D

Niecy said...

It's so interesting how some weight numbers stick in our mind as we go along, isn't it? I remember being 157 pounds in 5th grade and being so ashamed. I remember weighing 238 and feeling desperate. I remember weighing 135 and everyone telling me I was too skinny. I remember after some years of unhealthy weight loss, getting help, but gaining weight again. I remember beginning again for the umpteeth time and weighing in at 187. Now I remember the numbers that cause me to get stuck for a few weeks, so far 180 and 160.

Loretta, you have come so far and have such a positive attitude. You are correct that you alone need to do it, but accept all the support of those who are pulling for you also.

Keep going and congratulations!

Niecy said...

It's so interesting how some weight numbers stick in our mind as we go along, isn't it? I remember being 157 pounds in 5th grade and being so ashamed. I remember weighing 238 and feeling desperate. I remember weighing 135 and everyone telling me I was too skinny. I remember after some years of unhealthy weight loss, getting help, but gaining weight again. I remember beginning again for the umpteeth time and weighing in at 187. Now I remember the numbers that cause me to get stuck for a few weeks, so far 180 and 160.

Loretta, you have come so far and have such a positive attitude. You are correct that you alone need to do it, but accept all the support of those who are pulling for you also.

Keep going and congratulations!

teresa said...

This is so wise and I know now that you're right and that I could absolutely gain more if I don't change from the inside now. This past year and a half (of regaining 30 pounds and reaching a high I never imagined....) I understand how it happens and I can see how I could be 300 pounds in a year if I don't change something.
You've been on an intense journey and your ability to share what you've experienced is a gift to all of us.
Thank you.

MargieAnne said...

Thinking of you. Hope a;; is going well with you and yours.

Blessings

Absolutely, Positively Josie said...

Loretta,

Thank you so much for stopping by my blog and leaving such an uplifting comment. I have to try that recipe- oatmeal is one of my favorite foods!

I'm glad we're all taking Friday for Kenna and Deb's family. I've never fasted for something like this before, but when I read Joy's comment to Deb, it just felt like an appropriate thing for us to do this. And I'm glad we're all in this together!

You're a beautiful woman, inside and out.

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