Hidy Ho Journal & Friends,
I've been thinking about my June 1st weigh in number... 333.
That number, 333, brings back painful memories. About 25 years ago I was horrified to hit 333. It was a wake up call, and I went and joined an expensive hospital-based program, where we had to weigh in weekly and get our photo taken at the beginning. I still have that photo somewhere. I remember feeling so humilitated when it was taken.
I couldn't find the original photo, but this one was at about that same time. I remember tucking my t-shirt in, thinking I wanted it to be accurate, and be a reeaallly bad before pic. If you would have told me I would have GAINED 127 MORE pounds, no way would I have believed you. Why, I would NEVER let that happen... not to me. My point is, don't think it could never happen to YOU. I didn't plan it... I didn't want it. But I didn't CHANGE on the INside, so kept making the same mistakes over and over.
Anyway... the program turned out to be a bad experience... won't go into all of that. I bombed out and eventually re-gained what I had lost, adding more to it, getting up to my all time highest of 460 lbs.
But I remember the feelings of when I had started that program... the shame, the fear, the desperation. At that time, I was looking outside myself for help. I believed I "needed" something else to help me... a program, someone to pump me up, someone to tell me I could do it, that there was hope, that it was possible. I had failed so. many. times. I didn't know I could do it myself.
I'm not talking about doing it without God... He is my Rock and source of strength. I am just saying I was dependent upon OUTside motivation.... OUTside inspiration.
Is it easier when others support and encourage you? Oh, you bet your sweet bippy it is! But it's not necessary.
It's more fun with companions, but it's not necessary.
It's easier when my husband isn't fighting me every step of the way, but it's not necessary.
But for too long, I didn't know all that. Now I know different. Now I know God has given me everything I need to make it. It's up to ME to motivate myself, to believe in myself, to accept that He has equipped me with enough know how now that I can do this.
It's all in my choices. And I have the freedom to choose long-term health over immediate escape from whatever perceived stresses would push me to soothe it with food. I am determined to get this. I am determined to never, ever quit. I am determined that this WILL be my time, my turn.
Are "programs" good? Some are, absolutely... they are tools for when we need them. But I was DEPENDENT upon some outside program or force to carry me. It took time, but I finally figured out what would work for ME, and cobbled together my OWN plan. I had to find the motivation from WITHIN to do this, regardless of what was or wasn't going on around me.
Do I do it right all time?? Ha ha ha ha... nope. But in the long run, I'm doing it right more often than not, and if I never ever ever give up, I will get there.
How fast is up to me...the less I putz around, the faster I will get there.
Okay, pep talk to myself over for today, LOL!
From Dr Phil's book: Don't just wake up every morning and react to what happens... Be proactive by setting goals and making plans for their attainment."
My verse for today: "The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge."
My quote for today: "People change for two reasons: They either learn so much they want to, or they hurt so bad they have to." --author unknown
Enjoy the Journey,