Wednesday, November 30, 2011

NOV 30th Finding The Courage To Face My Stuff

Good afternoon, Journal & Friends,

Jim is out the door to work, Joey is napping in her doggie bed, the Kitties are sleeping on my bed, and even though I have a mountain of chores to get caught up on (Jim was off work for 5 days) I just want to slow down and say "hello" to myself! To make myself check in and get real.

On Nov 17th I started a 1600 calorie per day experiment, along with my usual low carb plus gluten free. Last time I did this, I GAINED weight, got skeered, and backed off. But I didn't give it much of a try... only a week. This time, I decided to do it for a month no matter what, just to see. I planned not to count calories for Thanksgiving, just have a maintence day. But other than that each day was capped at 1600. Well, that was the plan.

Last night I was tired and hungry, and used that as my "justification" to eat an extra meal. Sigh... At first I was so disappointed and feeling defeated. Then I remembered... Out of the last 14 days, 13 of them have been on plan! Um... why not feel good about that?! Okay, so I accepted that I did NOT face my stuff last night, instead choosing to stuff my face. I'm moving on.

Last night I read the latest post by Chris...  AFTER I had overeaten for the night. Ugh... what timing. :-} It was right on the button. I "use" food as a drug, as an escape, and I sort of filed that under her "filling the void" category. And her post reminded me of something I'd been thinking about... that I am good at maintaining a weight along the way. 

I reach a range, and stay there a loooonnnnggg time. It's happened to me repeatedly along this journey, and as a result I've been at this for YEARS. I started at 460 and got stuck around 400. Then I got stuck around 375, then around 350. My lastest sticking range has been in the 330's.  I had hit around 325, lost it and bounced back into the 330's, where I've been fumbling around for a YEAR. Duh... I finally see the pattern! 

And I think I know why, too. It has to do with peeling away the layers of "stuff", as Chris alluded to in her post. And in order to let go and lose more weight, I have to face more stuff and not medicate it with food instead. Each new lower weight range means I have to stop running from whatever it is that pressures me to want to eat instead of think about it, and put it to rest. So... I resist. I cling to my drug and resist the pain of facing my stuff. I wanna stay in my comfort zone, whatever range that happens to be.

Well, I want to finish this journey. To see MORE progress. To have the joy and peace that comes from an authentic life. Not a phony "la la la, everything is fine because I am numb to it due to drugging the feelings with food" kind of life. 

I want to remember that while the outcome is not always within my control, my EFFORT level IS within my control. I can choose not to run from facing uncomfortable stuff. I can choose to make the time to think and face my feelings. I find it strange yet obvious now... that I can even use "living my best life now" as a convenient way to stay too busy to face my feelings. Aarrgh... I've been getting busier with art projects and while that is good and what I feel I am meant to do, I found that I would tell myself I am too busy to do the mental work of this journey... too busy to sit and think, to feel, to process WHY I want to eat. Yikes... I was using a good thing--my art projects--as an excuse to avoid looking in my mental mirror. :-}

Be sure to read the comments under Chris's post. There are some rich insights there to be gleaned. Deb described exactly how I use food, too. Helen talked about facing down our fears. Crumpled Moments wrote about how she was kept busy, without time to think, so when her kids got older and the house got quiet, that caught up with her. And there's more. Good stuff. I appreciate that we can learn from each other. I appreciate these people that are willing to honestly share their hearts with others. That takes guts.

From Dr Phil's book: "Be a part of the group who have the courage and determination to stay in the light."

My verse for today: "Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths..."

My quote for today: "Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore." --Andre Gide

Enjoy the Journey,


DAY 835


that TOPS lady said...

Excellent post. I have really struggled this week with wanting to feed myself like there's no end. I blamed it on the junk I allowed myself to have on Thanksgiving. But perhaps it is really that I need to face some stuff. I need to think on that and find some quiet time. THanks for the post!

Unknown said...

13/14, that is 92.8%--that is an A. Not a high A, but definitely an A. :D

:-) Marion

Anne H said...

You know - we may or may not face our darkest demons... BUT - we don't have to eat.
I mean junk. Lots of junk.
Cuz that can obscure the real issues... maybe to make sure we NEVER have to work on them.
Of course.
We are strong and smart!
And we can do hard things.

'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

So great to see you getting all these insights! :)
I didn't really get the insights for quite a while. I just went autopilot with the idea that at least I didn't want to be fat- that part of my life I wanted to get at least somewhat right. And then all of a sudden bammo!, so much stuff started piling on. I truly thought I might die. Seriously.
But I didn't. And when I got through the evil, black darkness I saw that LIFE is so much better, so real, so vivid. I truly do wish this for you, my friend.

Anonymous said...

Yes. Courage. That is exactly what's needed. And faith. It just occurred to me, just this minute, that it is the enemy of our soul who is behind this ridiculous fear.

I mean, just look at it. Losing weight. It's what we know we need to do. It's what EVERYONE from all directins tell us we need to do. We are doing it...and then we get scared.

If the enemy can't keep us from doing it to begin with, he'll introduce fear so that we run the other way just when success is within our grasp. He doesn't want us to be healthy and free.

So, it has occurred to me, that I need faith in a way that I hadn't realized before (this should probably be a post on my own blog. sorry)

I need to have faith to believe that this fear is NOT a protective response. That I am not in danger. That, if I persevere with doing what I need to do to lose weight, despite the fear, it will turn out to be a good thing for me.

Huh. Courage and faith to trust the Father when He says, give me your hand, don't be afraid, this is going to be great.


Leslie said...

Great post, Loretta, and just what I need to hear. I can identify with getting to certain places and maintaining for a long time (now, for example!), and find some victory in that. Holy cow! Where is the victory in selling myself short, choosing food over faith, and feeling bad about myself because I'm aware of what I'm doing?

Thanks so much for telling your truth.

debby said...

What you have done already is phenomenal, Loretta! And that you have maintained instead of regaining is also phenomenal. Along with the mental, don't forget that there are physical things going on in our body at a cellular level that we aren't even aware of--the body trying to maintain equilibrium/thinking its starving and changing metabolism and all that.

M Pax said...

Congrats with 13 days on plan.

I've become good at maintaining, too. I'd like to lose a little more, get in a little better shape.
We'll see if I can shake up my routine. Obviously my body is very comfortable where I am.

Related Posts with Thumbnails