Hello there, Journal & Friends,
Chris at A Deliberate Life calls it going Whack a doo. Yep, that describes it well. I finally realized that my whole meltdown started after a few days of not enough sleep. And that's my own fault.
Without good sleep, it all gets harder and starts to unravel. It affects everything... energy levels, food, exercise, attitude... I even forgot that I was not alone on this journey, that God promised to be with me, to guide and strengthen me. I was just too wrapped up in me/mine/my/I. And down I went, like a domino effect.
I really appreciate the thoughtful comments that were left... they were amazing, full of encouragement and good advice. I plan to write about some of them next week. They helped give me a more objective view.
I finally realized that the simple answer as to what was bugging me was: fear. And more specifically: fear of failure
I didn't realize it was lurking there, under the surface, until I came right up to the brink of change. Then it put up a fight!
Rebecca, my niece, also left me a very insightful comment yesterday.
I read her comment and thought: How did she get so smart!?
I didn't know about her experience in High School with the jewelry class and the Award. Something she said about having to live up to the pressure of the award struck me.
I was wondering what it was in my thinking that made me draw back from the changes I wanted to make in my Time and Priorities. When I read Rebecca's comment, a bell went off...
If I commit to this new direction, if I SAY I am going to do it.. then can I live up to it? The pressure would be on me to "produce", to not just talk about a thing, but to DO it.
I have FINALLY, after a gazillion years of "trying", been able to start DOING the weight loss thing. That's pretty much figured out, with adjustments here and there as I go along. But there is this whole other area of my life I want to work on.
But... I am still in the TALKING stages of it, of my dream, of really committing my Time and Priorities to my Art. I think Rebecca nailed it... I am afraid if I commit, I can't live up to it. It's that simple.
I was feeling the pressure of that, and instead of reacting in a new way that would allow the pressure to be a thing that propelled me to success, I reacted my "old" way of thinking. It "skeered" me and I ran from it.
So the easy way out.. the way that felt safer, was to not do it. To live safe and quiet and without risk. To not step outside my Comfort Zone.
No.
I can't accept that.
Now that I see what it is, I just can't accept it. It's like accepting a mediocre, bland, colorless life. It's like saying I will trade in my dreams just to not risk failure, to not risk looking foolish. But that would mean living without joy, without enthusiasm, without boldness.
No. NO. NO!
I would rather jump off that cliff, flying with my arms out and whooping with joy, than to crawl into a safe, dark little corner.
I would rather TRY even knowing I might fail, than withdraw and go back into a cocoon like a scared little worm, thinking I am safe because I didn't try.
What if my parachute doesn't open? What if God doesn't catch me? What if I fail? What if ... What if... what if...
I only have one life here on earth... this is not a dress rehearsal. I feel like a Late Bloomer, and I don't want to waste any more time by feeding the Fear monster. I choose to get out of my comfort zone, to Risk. Sure, it's a bunch of cliches all strung together... but it's still true.
What's the worst that could happen?? I could try, and not make my goals.
And the best that could happen?? I could make it!
But either way, think of the fun I could have trying, living with passion, hope and joy!
Sorry this is so long.. but writing it out, putting it into words has helped me see it more clearly. And to see my choices... in fact, to see that I DO HAVE A CHOICE!
I still "feel skeered". But I am choosing to reach for it, anyway, to live with passion and go for my dreams.
From Dr Phil's book: "Evaluate each and every option in your life against the priorities of your goals."
My verse for today: "Whoever gives heed to instruction prospers, and blessed is he who trusts in the Lord."
My quote for today: "Embrace change." --Kimberly at K_The_Phoenix
Enjoy the Journey,
Loretta
=^..^=
8 comments:
I think you hit the nail on the head when you talk about having a new way of thinking. Our thoughts are like well-tread pathways and when we change our thought process (how we choose to view our situations), it's like tromping out a new trail. It takes time and it's easy to go back to our well trodded pathways.
You are a wise woman, Loretta. You are doing some big-time self-evalutaion and growth. And you are a strong woman. You CAN do hard things. And changing how we do things so we can become healthier is a hard thing.
I try to view my battle more as a journey. It's not success or failure based... but a journey and I'm working on making good choices during my travels. For me personally, most of my trails have come down to me learning to Trust in the Lord in all things and to learning patience.
I enjoy reading your posts. Best of luck always!
~Margene
http://www.believingitspossible.blogspot.com/
It's that all or nothing mentality again - the same thing we're usually dealing with losing weight.
How do I know? I have it too. When I started writing again, I did so for me. Public consumption was a ways off in my head. That gave me the freedom to play and create.
It came down to that I need to write. Everyday. I love it. In the end, I do it for me. Because I love it.
The truth is, not everyone is going to love what I do. That's OK. They don't have to. If everyone appreciated the same type of stuff, there'd only be on subject heading in the bookstores.
Truth is, no matter what you do, you have to pay the dues. You can keep growing and keep learning and feeding your soul. How is that failure?
I think maybe you have to change your definition. If it makes you happy and helps you love life and achieve your other goals, that seems pretty darn successful to me.
And from what I've seen [on your websites and here], you're being way too hard on yourself. You're already fabulous.
:) You got it, girlfriend!
When I went back to school at the age of 34--after flunking out when I was 18--I was afraid I wouldn't be able to pass.
So, I worked really, really hard to make sure I at least got Cs. The thing is, all of that work produced straight A's in my first semester.
:0 Then I felt the pressure your niece mentioned--I had to live up to perfection. Even back then (1986-1990), I often said to others--"The worst thing you can do is get a 4.0 in a semester. There's nowhere to go but down from there." Chuckle. I was just a ball of sunshine, huh?
I still have that panic of what if I can't really do this. "This" being any number of things.
And, oddly, with every degree I earned--I almost quit in the last four weeks of the LAST semester. I had to talk myself down from the cliff EVERY degree--every time I got within weeks of being done.
I had to tell myself "I was being ridiculous--not to stress over this--at this point just pass, it's in the bag. Don't shoot myself in the foot, now. Just stop this and DO IT!"
I managed to talk myself thru, but I have never really vanquished the twins, fear of failure/fear of success. Now, I recognize them for what they are: an enemy out to destroy.
Now you do, too. Good job, WLW!
Deb
Love your post Loretta. I can feel your power coming right off the page. You can do this...
Great post, Retta! You've really figured things (and yourself) out! It is so much better to try and fail than to not try at all. If you do try, I don't think you can really fail. Good point about this not being a dress rehearsal. You have one life, so live it!! :)
Long posts that help you see things better are the best! Sometimes I don't realize things until I've started blogging and typed out feelings or facts that I wasn't aware of. Nice!
Sleep is critical!! I suffer from frequent insomnia and I know how different (negative and skeery) things seem after not getting a good night's sleep.
Thank you for writing it all out! I needed to read it.
I think that fear was a large part of what drove me, today.
Loretta, I'm sure your fear where weight loss is concerned is directly related to how important it is to you. The things that are most important in our lives our the things that bring us the most anxiety.
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