Thursday, November 10, 2016

Nov 10th Surgery All Over.... NOT!!!

Hi guys. I’m alive and kicking. But struggling to have a good attitude. It has been a grueling 3 days, and an emotional roller coaster. Honestly, I just want to cry.



My surgery was canceled. I am home now. I was ON THE OPERATING TABLE, they were getting to put me under. I was all set to either wake up to see the face of Jesus, or wake up to see my Sweetie’s face. Either way would have been a good thing.

Then, I went into AFib. That is a heart on overdrive, like a runaway train. It hit 170 before they got meds into me; brought down to the 130’s, then 120’s, but wouldn’t go lower.

They did an ekg, tried sedatives, etc etc. Wouldn’t budge for hours. Obviously, the operation was canceled. I was sent home to take meds and “get better”. Come back when it’s “safer”.

Well gee… it’s not like this is elective cosmetic surgery!! It's for cancer. Which is progressive!!

I’ve been all over the map emotionally; mostly down. I thought this “diet” was over. I thought the surgery would be over. I thought the pressure to perform, weight wise, was over. 

I was so confused, frustrated, angry and depressed. The anger, which I had to face that I had, was because of all the mistakes that were made. Like… my records from THREE different docs down here were never faxed up north, and it took hours to find them. The cardiologist who saw me after the event never bothered to look at my medical records, and prescribed a med for me that would have been harmful to me. Duh! I had to catch it myself, and call my regular provider once I was home to get it changed.

I won’t bore you with the rest of the screw ups. Suffice to say, this "good little girl" actually does NOT feel bad for having anger over the mess ups. That is one positive. 

But the bottomline… I feel exhausted. Emotionally, physically, even spiritually. I need me some serious Recovery time. As in extended vacation time. From life. From stress. From disappointments. 

I called my Pastor this evening, and since he himself went thru cancer surgery last year, he understood the situation. Basically, he said I may never know WHY my surgery was “interupped” at the last minute. But I am to focus on the positives. And that is this: if the AFib had hit DURING surgery, the doctors had said I would either be dead, or had a stroke or heart attack. 

Period. 

This is real life. This is how it is. At one point, I even felt like saying "Oh screw it", and just eat and eat and eat and eat....

As I looked at the vending machine full of candy at the hospital (!!) I said to my hubby "Oh, I'd give anything for some M&M's!!

And he asked: "Even your life?"

Riiiggghhhtttt. I quickly moved myself far away from said vending machine.

So... the journey to wellness continues. Life goes on. And I want to regain an attitude of gratitude. Not there yet... but it's getting closer.

Life is precious. Life is short. Love one another.


Retta



22 comments:

Shelly said...

I am so sorry you are going through all of this. Hugs and prayers to you

Retta said...

That's kind of you, Shelly. Thank you so much.

Deb Willbefree said...

Oh, for goodness sakes!!!

You have a better attitude than I would. AAarrrggghhhh. I wonder if it was something they gave you pre-op that set off the A-fib.

So.

The good news, of course, is that God intervened and rescued you minutes before the surgery began. Whew. (Tho, I GET that it doesn't feel like a rescue...at all.)

I have the distinct urge to yell at medicos on your behalf. I shall refrain...

Back to the good news. :} God is in control and aware of you. He moved just in the nick of time pre-op and He will continue to work on your behalf.

Lean into Him (I know you are) and let yourself have a good cry as He holdas you close to His chest.

And I will stop praying for a painless and speedy recovery...and start praying for your healing from cancer, eliminating the need for surgery! God is able.

Hugs.

Deb

Retta said...

Thanks, Deb. You are right, and I've cried, hollered, moped, and almost stopped trying to analyze it. And just accept the "it's a good things that..." part.

I have my own theory as to what set it off. When I asked the cardiologist about it...oh no... it's hard to say, etc etc. You probably always had this, the Paroxysmal AFib, the kind that starts and stops.

But... I didn't think I was THAT scared. I was talking to God, a little nervous of the unknown since I have never had major surgery before. But my breathing was regular, my BP fine. Yet my heart was racing a little. Then, when they plunked me on the hard OR table, they didn't position me right, and there were hard metal "lumps" that were poking at the bony parts right below the low back, right above where the fleshy parts of the buttocks are. I complained it was painful. Just relax. But it hurts. Just relax. I can't relax, it's getting horribly painful! I had to scooch myself down a few inches til the lumps settled into my low back, relieving pressure and pain. But my heart had started racing in overdrive during the extreme pain.

The snooty OR head nurse was giving me attitude, because I couldn't lift myself and move sideways from the transfer table to the OR table. "If you won't do it, then we will do it OUR way". It wasn't a case of "wont". It was "can't". But she was annoyed already coming in because "I' made them late because I had to stop and use the restroom right as they were suppose to roll me in. Well, not my fault. Blame it on Mr Magnesium Citrate. Anyway, it was a perfect storm of events, I think, that set it off. But they won't admit that.

AFTER the next surgery, I plan to write a formal complaint of the treatment about that. But I have to go back for another round, so don't want to end up with her again, knowing I had complained.

In the meantime, yes, I am trying to focus on the good side, that it happened BEFORE they actually started.

Thanks for the prayers, I appreciate that very much.

The Brown Recluse (TBR) said...

Loretta, I'm sure sorry about all this. I can't add to anything to what has already been said...and I think with all the prayer, it was most likely His divine answer, His way. So, we'll keep praying, and I'll give that nurse a verbal smack-down, if needed. Just let me know. ☺

My mom has AFib. It's not all the time, and nothing in particular seems to set it off...just happens at times. Sometimes the doc sends her home, other times he puts her in the hospital for observation (she's almost 80).

Retta said...

"A verbal smackdown." ha ha ha, Margaret! I told my husband you were from the South, and if a Southerner every sweetly told you "Well, bless your heart", that you have just been cussed out Southern style! :-D

Thank you for the prayers. I am trying my best to just submit to the fact that this was His divine answer.

Deb Willbefree said...

Loretta, In case you haven't heard...

There has been a major earthquake (7.4) in New Aealand. Christ Church is reported to be the center. The gov't has warned that residents should move inland due to a tsunami threat.

That's where MNargieAnn and her family are, I think.

Deb

Retta said...

No, Deb, I hadn't heard. I spent all yesterday and night in the ER for chest pain; totally out of touch. Thank you for letting me know, I will be praying for Anne and her family!

MargieAnne said...

Hi Retta. You've been in a much worse place than me. I accept all the concern because I know its not just for me. I can't imagine what it is like to face almost constant shaking waiting for another big one to hit and have little water and be unable to use the flush toilet. On top of all that to be isolated. No road access, dodgy phone, power and internet service. I think nearly half the visitors have been evacuated by now and hopefully tomorrow will see most of the tourists safe. What an unfortunate thing to happen to your holiday... so many just cannot wait to get on the plane home.

I was horrified to read about your medical experience. Oh my! I'd have had smoke coming out my ears. I hope you are beginning to feel well enough to work on preparing for surgery again. You are having such an incredibly rough time. It's hard to keep one's focus when you need surgery let alone for cancer. You have such a wonderful spirit.... don't scoff, because you do!!!!! Even so, it's hard to recover a good attitude after such a huge disappointment.

I'll try to remember to pray for you especially when I cannot sleep which seems to be happening a lot lately.

Love and Blessings May Jesus pour out his overwhelming love upon you Anne

debby said...

Oh my goodness, Loretta. Just saw this and your previous post. I will keep you in my prayers, and hope that you will get the good rest you need. And a better OR nurse. XXOO

Nixie R said...

I am so sorry that you had to go through all of this. I will continue to pray for you and that you have a successful surgery in the near future. Bless you.

Karla said...

Glad you reached out to your Pastor, I am sure he was helpful. ((((HUGS))) and you have a SMART hubby! You're in my thoughts!

Retta said...

Thanks, Anne. I'm glad you are okay. And I really appreciate the prayers. Especially for a good attitude, since my powerchair has died once again, and the new one on order won't be here for at least a couple more months.

Retta said...

Hi Debby. Boy howdy, I sure agree on that OR nurse! Everyone prior to entering the OR (intake nurses, surgeon, anesthesiologist, etc) told me to be sure to tell them my physical needs in the OR, because they want to make sure I am comfortable. Uh... someone forgot to give that memo to the Head OR nurse!! :-O
Truly, thank you for the prayers.

Retta said...

Thank you, Nixie, for the prayers, I appreciate that a lot. It's looking maybe in February for the next go around.

Retta said...

Hi Karla. Yes, it was so nice that my Pastor actually had been thru it himself, and was so understanding. My Hubby deserves a medal! He has been so kind and patient, even when I am at my worst. Truly a gem!

Deb Willbefree said...

Chest pains and a trip to the ER? And no OR until February? And your chair is broken again? GOOD GRIEF!!!

Just this morning, I read James--count it all joy when you encounter all kinds of tribulations.

You must be to about a million on the "Joy counter"! Shaking my head...

And still praying.

Deb

Retta said...

To be honest, Deb, that "count it all joy" verse is one I've always fell short of. Just not there. I can find things to feel truly thankful for, in SPITE of troubles, but to count them, the trials, a joy?? I don't have the understanding yet for that one.

But... I am very thankful today for this: that the big company I’m ordering my new chair thru came out and looked at my chair yesterday; said they’d call before the end the day to see if they can find me a new motor (out of pocket pay). No call.

So Jim said phooey, and called a little independent repair guy. He came through! Had a used motor that would work, came last night to pick up the chair, fixed it, and is delivering it right now. I am soooooooo thankful! :-)

Deb Willbefree said...

Heh. I hear ya, Retta. Yesterday when I read that, I had my typical response. Sigh. Groan. Eyes closed apology for my recalcitrance about that whole "count it all joy" thing and admission that I don't do that very well.

Yeah. While I am continually grateful for so many things, great and small, my reaction to trials is pretty much a plea to get it over with. Which is why I'm no further along in my spiritual maturity than I am, I suppose.

For the past few months, I've had blow after blow emotionally. It's been hard. Almost beyond the willingness to hold onto life hard. And I am certain that it is God's efforts on my behalf to answer my prayer that I become more like Him. So...at some point during the storm of my reaction to yet another wounding...after I wail and fuss and consider giving up...I stop and thank God for His shaping of this vessel of clay.

I have not achieved joy about it. :} I'm even slow at acknowledging that it's for my good and offering a thank you. But it's progress.

I'm pretty sure you're further ahead than I am...Cours, you're a lot older than me. :D

Retta said...

Yes Deb, you're just a young whippersnapper. ;-)

I signed up recently for a daily newsletter that gives excerpts from a famous book called Streams in the Desert. Not sure I'm enjoying it!! Seems it's all about the trials, and how it's for our good, and we need to be happy about them. Yeah, right. Here is todays:

Though you have allowed me to experience much trouble and distress, revive me once again! Bring me up once again from the depths of the earth! (Ps 71:20)

God shows us the troubles. Sometimes, as this part of our education is being carried forward, we have to descend into “the lower parts of the earth,” pass through subterranean passages, lie buried amongst the dead, but never for a moment is the cord of fellowship and union between God and us strained to breaking; and from the depths God will bring us again.

Never doubt God! Never say that He has forsaken or forgotten. Never think that He is unsympathetic. He will quicken again. There is always a smooth piece in every skein, however tangled. The longest day at last rings out the evensong. The winter snow lies long, but it goes at last.

Be steadfast; your labor is not in vain. God turns again, and comforts. And when He does, the heart which had forgotten its Psalmody breaks out in jubilant song, as does the Psalmist: “I will thank thee, I will harp unto thee, my lips shall sing aloud.”
--Selected

Jamie Fray said...

I am so sorry you are going through this. I don't know you, but your post touched my heart, and I will be praying for you. I am so thankful the Afib started before the surgery, and you still got to wake up to see your Sweetie's face.

Merry Christmas :)

Retta said...

Thank you, Jamie, so much for your kind comment and especially prayers.
And a Merry Christmas to you, too! :-)

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