Good afternoon, Journal & Friends,
There is a big hazy curtain hanging between me and my true feelings today. I am having the toughest time connecting. It's right there, on the other side, just out of sight, just out of reach...
Usually I write my post first, then go visiting Bloggyland friends. Today... I visited first, because I just felt empty, with nothing to say.
I wasn't empty, of course.. just disconnected. And sure enough, I ran into a couple of blogs that helped me realize what I was trying to avoid... uncomfortable feelings. Feelings I was embarrassed to admit to having... immature and selfish types of feelings that are hard to fess up to...
By it's very nature, this type of journey to wellness seems to be "selfish". Or maybe self-focused is a better word. But I think of it as getting healthy, so that we WILL have something to give out. To be able to give from our overflow, from a place of health and strength eventually. There is a time for all things, and for me this journey has forced me to think and examine my own thoughts, beliefs, feelings, responses to life.
Still... something happened that I allowed to hurt my feelings... and I responded by feeling left out, isolated, alone, not included...
It rubbed salt in an old wound... that of not having many friends all my life. Of feeling like I didn't know how to be a very good friend, therefore didn't HAVE friends. And being so overweight for so long also isolated me, and reduced my interactions with people to practically zilch.
Thanks to reading what Debby wrote today, I got in touch with what I was really feeling. Now, it is my choice what I do with that knowledge. Honestly... I think I want to pout a little while longer! To massage those "poor me" feelings...
And how will that help me progress towards my goals??? Ummm.... NOT.
So... I will let it go. It could be I misunderstood something... or misinterpreted the event. Either way, dwelling on it is not helping me.
Instead, I read a favorite verse that talks about God giving us feet like the hind, which is a type of red deer.
"The Lord God is my strength, and he has made my feet like hinds' feet, and
makes me walk on my high places."
The hind is a female red deer that lives high in the mountains. She is the most sure-footed of all the mountain animals, because of the way she walks. Her rear feet step precisely in the same spot where her front feet have just been.
I like the idea that we are on an adventure, traveling high mountains with exciting views and new paths, and that we can be safe and secure while doing so. I don't have to stay stuck down low in the mud, wallowing in my own self-pity... unless I choose to.
So... I choose to let it go. To get on with life.. to continue the journey to health... to embrace the GOOD parts, and let go of the rest. To leap with joy.
Life is just too short to do otherwise. I may not always feel it right then... but sooner or later the joy bubbles to the surface, and replaces the doldrums. And then my heart leaps...
From Dr Phil's book: "You make the choices that create your emotional state."
My verse for today: "Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever."
My quote for today: "...we need to take time daily to read the word of God and pray so our hearts and minds are focused not on what seems important, but on what truly IS important. And that is your relationship with God. Throughout the entire Bible the message to us is God's desire to have fellowship with His creation." --Karen Elizabeth Brown