Wednesday, May 12, 2010

DAY 276 Leaping out of the Doldrums

Good afternoon, Journal & Friends,

There is a big hazy curtain hanging between me and my true feelings today. I am having the toughest time connecting. It's right there, on the other side, just out of sight, just out of reach...

Usually I write my post first, then go visiting Bloggyland friends. Today... I visited first, because I just felt empty, with nothing to say. 

I wasn't empty, of course.. just disconnected. And sure enough, I ran into a couple of blogs that helped me realize  what I was trying to avoid... uncomfortable feelings. Feelings I was embarrassed to admit to having... immature and selfish types of feelings that are hard to fess up to... 

By it's very nature, this type of journey to wellness seems to be "selfish". Or maybe self-focused is a better word. But I think of it as getting healthy, so that we WILL have something to give out. To be able to give from our overflow, from a place of health and strength eventually. There is a time for all things, and for me this journey has forced me to think and examine my own thoughts, beliefs, feelings, responses to life.

Still... something happened that I allowed to hurt my feelings... and I responded by feeling left out, isolated, alone, not included... 

It rubbed salt in an old wound... that of not having many friends all my life. Of feeling like I didn't know how to be a very good friend, therefore didn't HAVE friends. And being so overweight for so long also isolated me, and reduced my interactions with people to practically zilch.

Thanks to reading what Debby   wrote today, I got in touch with what I was really feeling. Now, it is my choice what I do with that knowledge. Honestly... I think I want to pout a little while longer! To massage those "poor me" feelings...

And how will that help me progress towards my goals??? Ummm.... NOT.

So... I will let it go. It could be I misunderstood something... or misinterpreted the event. Either way, dwelling on it is not helping me.  

Instead, I read a favorite verse that talks about God giving us feet like the hind, which is a  type of red deer. 

"The Lord God is my strength, and he has made my feet like hinds' feet, and
makes me walk on my high places."

The hind is a female red deer that lives high in the mountains. She is the most sure-footed of all the mountain animals, because of the way she walks. Her rear feet step precisely in the same spot where her front feet have just been.

I like the idea that we are on an adventure, traveling high mountains with exciting views and new paths, and that we can be safe and secure while doing so. I don't have to stay stuck down low in the mud, wallowing in my own self-pity... unless I choose to.

So... I choose to let it go. To get on with life.. to continue the journey to health... to embrace the GOOD parts, and let go of the rest. To leap with joy. 

Life is just too short to do otherwise. I may not always feel it right then... but sooner or later the joy bubbles to the surface, and replaces the doldrums. And then my heart leaps...

From Dr Phil's book: "You make the choices that create your emotional state."

My verse for today: "Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever."

My quote for today: "...we need to take time daily to read the word of God and pray so our hearts and minds are focused not on what seems important, but on what truly IS important. And that is your relationship with God. Throughout the entire Bible the message to us is God's desire to have fellowship with His creation." --Karen Elizabeth Brown


Anonymous said...

You said, "It could be I misunderstood something...or misinterpreted the event.."

Is it possible for you to talk to someone and clarify that? Sometimes it's not possible, of course, but sometimes it is. It is often helpful to be clear about exactly what happened. Hard to deal with a mist. Can be hard to move on from a question mark.

Most of what you wrote, I could also write. In fact, I was thinking some of those exact same words yesterday and talking to God about it. But, since this is your post, I won't go into that. :)

You've got good stuff in you, Loretta, and an all-powerful and loving God that you're holding on to. That's enough. You are enough.


Anonymous said...

Never doubt that you have friends out here in the blogosphere! We love you Retta!!! I think we all struggle at times with these thoughts, feelings etc. It's learning that you have to move on and get past what is hurting you is what is important. I always tell myself this: by obsessing on these feelings, I am the only one hurting...the other person, probably has no clue to the mental anguish I am going through. Why give them that power? I usually choose not to...and pull myself out of the pity party I am throwing and try to have more positive thoughts. Sometimes it just takes a little time to work it out, and to sooth bruised feelings. You can get there!! :) ((((BIG HUGS))))

Anonymous said...

((((((hugs)))))) whoever hurt your feelings, you are right to just let it go. Its hardngs like that go. Just know you are loved and admired by me and many others.
Sometimes it helps to remember times that someone said I had hurt their feelings and I had no idea. Even when it seemed obvious I should know!!! Only the evil people really seek to hurt us, and there are very few of those people in the world. The rest might say something or do something without really understanding the damage they've done. This is said by someone damaged by MANY MANY people, even so, I know there is more good than bad.
You are wonderful Rhetta and those that know you, know it.

Leslie said...

So glad you wrote about this. It reminds me of what you wrote that helped me so much the other day...about slowing down and thinking - and feeling. It's really hard to do. You're doing it.

So sorry that you're feeling disconnected. But I love what you said about striving to let it go. We can choose to hang on and ruminate and steep in our old pain, or strive to let it go and ask God to take it from us. In my journey I've found that the biggest hurts have had to be removed because I'm just not humanly capable of letting go. Striving for willingness to have it removed is the best I can do.

Lindsay said...

I love that your so totally honest!!! I hope your feeling a little more connected! I love all your quotes :)

cmoursler said...

I think deb is right. Sometimes people do things and they don't know they did something to harm may have been inadvertant. Ask.
I can't imagine someone not wanting to talk with you or include you.

Ms. PJ Geek said...

As the song says .....
"It's my party and I'll cry if I want to." I think of the Richard Simmons video where this song is featured and think about that song and then think some more and I start smiling. Brutal honesty- it is hard. We get you. Thank you for being you. Don't know if any of this made sense, but I wanted to cheer you on ....oh, and that kitty picture said it all.

Dayne Gingrich said...

Very good post. "Letting go" is extremely important... but it needs to be replaced w/ something else.

Very often, we let go, but don't replace... which only leaves us empty.

Love your journey!


CinciMom11 said...

Loretta, I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling disconnected. :( Power to you for sharing tough feelings! There is not a doubt in my heart that nobody in BlogLand would ever intentionally exclude you! You're too wonderful for that. :) Good for you for having the strength to let these feelings go and keep moving forward. HUGS!

M Pax said...

I fell behind yesterday and never caught up.

I get what you mean by the haze. Pouting is getting in touch with your feelings. Feel it until you tire of it. :)

Something may seem out of reach, but only from your currenct perspective. You don't have it, so you can't see it moving closer.

Here you are reaching out and an excellent friend, breaking the isolation. If you had been willing to take the risk, you would have found friends. Not everyone is so judgemental. :) But, I understand the isolation. I was the same way.

By tending to oursevles and giving ourselves what we need, we become better us's [great English, huh?]. When we become lit up and passionate, those around us get a better version of us. And, it feeds off itself in an upward spiral instead of a downward one. I can attest, it is worth the time and the effort.

I sink many hours into my passions during the day. Jay gets a better me. He prefers this version of me so much more, that he's willing to give me the slack I need when I feel pressured.

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