Nov 6th Gratitude, Service & Surgery

Still studying the book from Dr Marty Lerner I talked about in this post. 

It's short, more of a booklet. But packed with years of experience and wisdom. I've been stuck on this sentence in Chapter 3:

"The true nature of the problem, especially with respect to addictions has to do with almost total self-absorption and self-consciousness."

And: "...most of our struggles have to do with repetitive and obsessive self-centered thoughts".

I used to call it navel watching... remembering the old cartoon of the guy sitting and staring at his own belly button. And I've actually wondered at times if continuing long term with my blog was navel watching! Or, as Dr Lerner more eloquently puts it: self-absorption and self-consciousness.

Four statues of satyrs in the Louvre, depicting omphaloskepsis - navel gazing -  as an aid to meditation

I mean... I know all the "how it got started in my life" stuff. I've made peace with it. It's not about blame. Rather, it's about understanding. 

I've found a way of eating that is healthy and I can do for life: low carb, sugar free.

Now I am left with just one thing, according to Dr Lerner: DO IT. Do the next right thing. Focus on recovery, not weight loss. And the weight loss will follow as I DO the right things. What's left to talk about??

Shortly after I read this page in Dr Lerner's book about all this self-absorption, I read a blog post from Sean Anderson. In passing at the end, he mentioned Gratitude and Service. And those words lit up in neon for me! 

Gratitude and Service. I had used this phrase for years as a reminder: Love God, love others. It's truth, yet somehow it seemed a little bit lofty or esoteric. But if you put feet to it, action to it... it turns into Gratitude and Service!

Now it's no longer just "I am grateful to God for....". Me, me, me. I, I, I.... Yes, I am totally grateful, and want to be aware and express that gratitude. But now it doesn't stop with ME. As in that self-absorption and self-centered thoughts. (Now please don't go and misinterpret that; having a gratitude journal is life changing, and highly recommended!!!! I'm talking about MY hang-ups here).

But for me, now adding Service to the equation takes my thoughts beyond myself, and the arrows are not stuck constantly INWARD. I want to learn to get them to aim OUTward. I can ask myself how I can be of Service? Is there a gift I have been given that can be used as a blessing to others? To be of Service?

The day before all these thoughts hit me, I read something about Benjamin Franklin. He began each day with this question: "What good shall I do this day?" 

And he ended the day with "What good have I done this day?" He obviously had a heart to be of Service.

So... that's what I have been studying. That's where my journey is taking me. Some of it can feel uncomfortable. But I feel good about the direction.

Still on the journey,

Retta

A Big PS: I didn't want to make a huge post about medical stuff, making it into a big deal. But thought it would not be very courteous to just disappear without explanation. I'm not God. I can't predict the future, or when it's my turn to die and go to Heaven. But I was recently diagnosed with Endometrial Cancer. It's still only Stage 1; the prognosis is excellent, and my surgery is on Wednesday, Nov 9th. 

The doctors are still fretting over my weight. It does not count how much I have lost; it counts what I am NOW to them. I was 310 this morning, and that still puts me in the high risk category. But quite a few things have been happening in my favor the last couple of months that make me feel like God is looking out for me, and encouraging and reassuring me. So... I am hopeful. If you are so inclined, I would appreciate prayers. Thanks ya'll, and see you in a few weeks! =^..^=

A Kitty for Nancy 

Sept 19th Dandelions and A New Focus

Having seriously contemplated my own mortality lately I have noticed some things.

Now, when I think a nice thing about someone I am with, I want to I tell them.

Now, when I think of someone, I try to call them.

Now, I try to bite my tongue when tempted to be snippy, and instead appreciate and love my Sweetie. Let go of the unimportant, and cherish the important.

Now, I notice little joys around me. Like colors, flowers, cerulean blue skies, white puffy clouds, the way my Pup plays and laughs and barks with joy… for no reason other than the sheer joy of being alive.

Last Thursday I went to the hospital for a test. I’ve been there several times over the years. For various tests, or visiting others. 

This time, I NOTICED that in the middle of the parking lot, was a beautiful little park!! Fir trees, Pines, Blue Spruce; tall blooming pink flowers, deep red large blossoms, lowly green ground cover, a large green lawn with wrought iron benches circling the lawn to sit under the tall shade tree, and shrubbery leaves turning into vivid fall colors. 

And right there, amidst all the manicured loveliness: a small herd of Dandelion puffballs, defiantly waving in the breeze! I LOVED IT!

No matter what, they won’t be denied. They will bloom and not just survive, but THRIVE. I was cheering on those little plants that most folks call weeds. They chose to bloom where they were planted, in spite of what anyone else wanted. Yay for the Dandelions of the world. :-D

In the support group A Better Weigh that I joined a few months ago, often people share how awareness and feelings are different now that they aren’t numbed up with food. It took me awhile, but I think I get it now.

Before Recovery, food was the great “mood shifter”:

Bored? Eat

Mad? Eat

Lonely? Eat

Tired? Eat

Disappointed? Eat

Scared? Eat

Just… uneasy? Eat

The more intense the feelings, the more I ate. Until I was numb.

Food would dampen those feelings, allowing escape from uncomfortable sensations.

Now I am learning not to focus on weight loss. On another diet. I am learning to focus on Recovery. Recovery from that whole mis-use and abuse of food.

After starting Recovery, I am learning to really believe (not just head knowledge) that feelings won’t kill me. I must feel and deal. It’s a part of life, the ups and downs. And to not fear feelings and bury them under a mountain of food. 

It’s scary sometimes. For me, at times the feelings seem stronger now. Like… my anger can feel like RAGE. Or, my sadness like horrible grief and regret. But the joys are also more clear and pure, and feel precious, and seem to touch me more deeply.

I’m wondering if this “food sobriety” is allowing me to notice those things now I have been missing. Methinks… yes.

Still on the Journey,

Retta
=^..^=

Time for a Funeral

I did my usual first of the month weigh in thing: lost 7 lbs last month. Not exactly Rabbit speed, but a nice respectable Turtle. That much closer to regained health.

That makes 27 lbs since the beginning of Feb this year. In the past, I would dampen that joy with regrets:

I wish I had done this sooner.
Why did I re-gain?
I've been at the weight before.
Etc etc etc.

No more. I embrace the joy and hope.

Today I attend a funeral. I'm holding a ceremony, and saying goodbye to a presence that has been with me as long as I remember: 

Regrets. 

Today I lay them to rest.

Eulogy for My Lifelong Regrets

Today I say goodbye to My Lifelong Regrets. We’ve been together a long time, but now it’s time I let you go.

You taught me a lot.

You taught me about Humility, because my life didn’t turn out as I thought it would, yet I still have much for which to be thankful.

You taught me about Compassion, because I know how it feels to struggle and fail, repeatedly.

You taught me about Determination, because though I fell - a LOT - somehow by God’s grace, I got up again and kept going.

You taught me about Focus, because though there is pain in life, I can still choose to focus on the beauty, joy and goodness that is there also.

You taught me Gratitude, because though I didn’t get all I wanted, such as children and grandchildren, I got Love. 

But one thing you did not teach me was Brevity. 

No one is perfect. ;-)

Enjoying the journey, and letting go of regrets,

Retta

Nov 8th Crawling Forward

My last post had this quote from Dean Karnazes:

"Run when you can, 

walk if you have to,

 crawl if you must, 

just never give up."

Since that post I've been so sick and so discouraged, that I seriously considered "What the heck?! Why try... just accept that this is the way it is, and get on with the rest of your life."

Well, I'm finally NOT sick, and a couple of days ago I read something by Tommy Newberry that jerked me up short and made me realize that I had a serious case of Stinkin Thinkin.

Tommy Newberry is doing a 40 day "joy challenge", and I've been reading some of his posts on Facebook (link HERE). And yep, if my thoughts these last few months were to be given a grade, I'd most assuredly deserve an F!!

Here are some of the things he wrote that I found so encouraging, and helped me face my need to change my thoughts:

-The words you use today will create the world you'll experience tomorrow.

-Life will always have shortcomings but when you focus on your blessings life will feel abundant.

-In order to live a joy-filled life start thinking about what you want, not what you don't want.

-There is no need to cling to thoughts that haven't produced joyful fruit in your life.

There were many more, but that last one really stopped me in my tracks. 

See, the reason I've been so sick is because the medical specialist I saw back in August did an office procedure on my foot, and he was not careful enough, and cut me. Three days later I realized I had a raging systemic infection! I am just now finally about 98% over it. I've been indulging in anger, resentment, pouting, and fussing over the "unfairness" of it. And where did that take me?? Nowhere except to Miserableville.

So... I'm over it. He was not careful, true. But he didn't do it on purpose. It was a mistake. And by me holding onto resentment is just making me worse.

I'm now trying to remind myself of this verse:

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."  

I've been thinking a LOT about that first phrase, where it says to BE. Be joyful. If I can BE something, I must have some kind of choice in the matter. It kind of goes along with what Tommy Newberry has been saying in his 40 Day Joy Challenge.

I like what Tommy says here: "Joy is an outward sign of inward faith in the promises of God."

Well, methinks focusing on all these kinds of thoughts will make me a lot happier and peaceful than my grumping continually about "what that doctor did to me." 

"Each moment is a fresh start." --Tommy Newberry

  

Choosing joy,

Loretta

=^..^=

Loretta

=^..^=

DEC 31st Peace & My New Theme Badge

Well, time for a new Theme poster for my side bar! I can't believe 2012 is over... whoosh, and it's gone!

I wasn't going to do another. I was feelish sheepish about mine from this last year. 

But a friend asked about it, and encouraged me to do one (thanks, Margaret!). To Believe, to go forward. So...

After thinking about it, I realized I wanted my theme for 2013 to be: PEACE

Even while I work on my health goals, I can do it with peace. Not striving and full of angst. Not whining or regretting. Not looking backward, but rather forward.

Remember that saying?  Let go and let God

My peace comes from the Prince of Peace, not dependent upon external events or circumstances. In fact, sometimes those circumstances can be kinda crummy! But regardless of how it feels at times, I know God is in ultimate control; willing to heal, encourage, guide and give us His peace. Sometimes I have to remind myself of all this, in order to experience that peace. I want to work on stuff, to fix it, to "make it better". And this year offered some tragic events, that hurt so many. And brought up many questions, to which I have no adequate answers.

Hence... I must let go, and trust God. And that brings peace.

People may not always be good, but God is. That's the foundation for my peace. That's just what I believe with all my heart. 

I took the design for my Theme from some doodling I've been doing on my walls at home! (I'll post more about that another day). Edited to add link to that post HERE.

Here's the wall shot (can click on any pics to enlarge):

Cropped it and cleaned it up:

Inverted it:

Added text:

And finally, added some subtle color... 

can't do without that color, dontcha know!

I hope you all have a wonderful, peaceful 2013!

Enjoy the journey peacefully,

Loretta

DEC 26th Improving Focus & The Hanging Neck

I loved this POST by Jules, in which she recalled her accomplishments from 2012. It made me realize I had started to focus too much on that fact that I was ending this year heavier than when I started.  

Yes, I needed to learn from it and make course corrections. But after I read her post, I started thinking about making my own "accomplishment list". In fact, I was toying with calling it "What I Learned In 2012". Just remembering some of it was encouraging! And that brought it home to me how much focus I had been putting on my disappointment in the weight loss... or lack thereof. 

My focus was aimed in the wrong direction! I want to focus, instead, on where I am going, and what I WANT, not on what I don't want... on my goals and dreams, and not get stuck in my mistakes. Also, on NOW... to LIVE in the present.

I had to remind myself that what I focus on GROWS! So I'd better take careful aim. I must admit, I'm feeling hugely  encouraged since I've been working on that consciously.

One of the comments on that post from Jules was from June, at The Path to Health.   I visited June's blog, and was set to giggling over the ending of THIS POST  of hers. It tickled my funny bone, because I knew just what she meant! 

She had posted a photo of herself... taken lying down! And made reference to a certain episode of The Golden Girls, and how that was the only position (laying down looking up into the camera) from which she wanted to take the photo, feeling old at the moment. 

Why could I relate?? Because just a few days ago I had to renew my drivers license. Yes... a new photo was required... aargh. It was... not what I had hoped!  (I was going to write ghastly, but that doesn't sound too positive, does it?!) :-D

The guy taking the photo kept saying "just relax". I thought I was relaxed. Later, as I was moaning about how awful it looked, MyGuy said: "He TOLD you to relax, and was trying to help, because you had your lips pursed!"

Well, THIS IS ME! Pursed lips, hanging neck and all! The alternative is to be under a tombstone, so I might as well "be thankful in all circumstances".

Instead of writing out my "accomplishment list for 2012" here today, I'd really rather include something I stumbled upon Christmas eve. I'd read it before, but maybe the timing is just right this time, and it struck a chord in me. 

The verses below were found written on the wall of a children's home in Calcutta, India, that Mother Teresa ran. Some say they seem to be adapted from something originally written by Kent M Keith in 1968. But Mother Teresa changed a few words and made it her own, especially her reference to God at the end.

I love Mother Teresa's version... so here it is in full. I want to keep this in mind going into this bright new year of 2013:

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. 

Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.

Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. 

Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.

Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten.

Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.

Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.

It was never between you and them anyway.

Enjoy the journey anyway,

Loretta

Post 2022

AUG 30th My Choice & My Bracelet

Some people call it delusional.

Some people call it pollyanna.

Some people call it spin.

Some people call it denial.

I call it MY CHOICE  to view the world with optimism and hope.

I call it MY CHOICE as to which colored glasses I will view the world:

Dark and dismal... or... light and bright and open to possibilities.

My belief: optimists have more fun

(Joey always has a party goin' on!)

We optimists may have the same amount of junk hit us as everybody else, but we choose not to wallow in it or stay focused on it. Learn and move on is my current mantra.

We choose to focus on things for which to feel thankful.

"Our ultimate freedom is the right and power 

to decide how anybody or anything 

outside ourselves will affect us." 

--Stephen Covey

All this "choice" talk brings me to the other part of this post: my bracelet came! 

In my sidebar is a pic of Sean Anderson's book (which I totally loved) called Transformation Road (can click on the book to go to his website). 

Sean is the real deal. He's not some slick phoney out to sell you a manufactured "story" just to make a buck. I've followed his journey ever since I started my blog, about 3 1/2 years ago, and I trust his heart and his motives. Sean lost about 280 lbs, and is passionate about encouraging others that they, too, can choose to change.

Sean made it. He busted out of his self-made mental shackles and CHANGED. He CHOSE to change, before the change came and chose him.  

That's his mantra: 

Choose change 

before change chooses you.

So as you can see, Sean is big on this idea of Choice. I clicked with that right away. I may not be as lickety-split fast on this journey as he was (ha ha, what an understatement!), but I understand what he's saying, and agree. That's why when he offered his leather bracelets recently, I snapped one up from his website HERE!  

Here's mine:

It's stamped with: I'M CHOOSING CHANGE

I rarely buy or wear bracelets because they are usually too small. Heck, who needs to be reminded that they still have a fat wrist, right?! Well, Sean made his bracelet a generous adjustable length, and it fits great! If you're dinkier than me, you could even wear it as an anklet, LOL!

It's just a little tangible reminder to make those good choices. Yes, I struggle at times. I lose focus and zone out. Or get discouraged and lose sight of my goal. So this is a good thing for me to wear. It reminds me I am NOT a victim. I DO have a choice. And I will never EVER quit, til I get there.

Thanks, Sean... I love my bracelet!

My book quote for today: "What you persistently think eventually but inevitably crystallizes into the words you speak and then the things you do." --Tommy Newberry, The 4:8 Principle

My verse for today: "The precepts of the Lord are right, giving joy to the heart."

My quote for today: "You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself." --Jim Rohn

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 1103

AUG 27th Quotes & Chris Has Struck Again!

I love quotes. I can't remember a time when I did NOT enjoy them. They are like distilled wisdom. So naturally I have little scraps of paper around my studio with some of my favorites scrawled on them. Some are so old, they are faded and hard to read. (click on any pics to enlarge)

One favorite place I stick them on is a kitchen tool caddy that I use in my studio for my colored pencil collection, plus other assorted junk.

You know how when you have something up so long, that you eventually don't even "see" it?? Well, yesterday morning I glanced at my tool twirlie, and two words caught my eye: the amateur

The paper this quote was on had faded so badly--it's probably been taped up there 15 years!--that I had inked over those two words to see them better. I had to get up close to read the REST of that quote:

"The artistic temperament

is the indulgence

of the amateur."

--G K Chesterton

Huh! It struck me that the truth of that quote is not only for the "artist". But for all endeavors. Like... oh let me think...hmmm... weight loss endeavors!! 

No, not a deep or new thought. But it just struck me yesterday, and reminded me that it doesn't matter in the slightest how I FEEL. Strong, determined, optimistic, spiritual, hopeful... or discouraged, weak, frustrated, annoyed or skeered. 

Doesn't matter. 

Doesn't matter in the sense that I don't have to be sitting around waiting for the right feeling to come along, for me to be working on making the right choices in the meantime. If I want to be successful at this thing, then even while I'm still trying to get my ducks all in a row, I can't indulge in the "temperament of the amateur".

Even while I iron out the wrinkles, I need to be working on making healthy choices. Chris at A Deliberate Life  recently had a post that really affected me. So much so, that I didn't leave a comment for days!! Some things you just have to chew longer before you can swallow them, ya know?!  :-}  

Does she have all the answers? All her bugs worked out perfectly?? I doubt it. But Chris decided she wasn't satisfied with "mediocrity" any longer. She is ready to make a hard push. She said she will work out the rest of the details later. She said that for NOW, "I am capable of more."

Sometimes we need a kick in the tush to shake up our point of view! I had always said that whatever I do, it has to be for life. I've gone on and off hundreds of "diets" over the years, and I was done with that. Well... Chris offered a different point of view about that. And it made me at least stop and think, and consider that sometimes it's okay to shake things up! 

I mean... if a guy was out in the ocean drowning, you wouldn't sit in your little boat and lecture him on how to swim, because after all, it's a skill he'd need for life. You throw him a life ring! And worry about swimming lessons later. Right or wrong in my interpretation, that's how what Chris wrote struck me.

So! Hard as it is to stick my neck out there and once again declare a "goal"... I am joining Chris in her determination at making a HARD PUSH. It's time. I need it. I don't plan to stop my other lines of focus, since the REAL change is on the inside. But I'm drowning here!! I need to swim NOW!!

It's Hard Push time. It's hit me hard that as of today, it's been 1100 days since I started this blog. And I'm still not to my goal. I can let that kick me DOWN, or I can choose to let it kick me UP.  I'm choosing UP.

Want a kick in your tush?? Go read Chris' post. Pretty good stuff. :-)

My book quote for today: "With  high levels of mental discipline, you'll reach your goals faster, upgrade your potential for joy, and become a lot more fun to be around. When you keep your thoughts fixed on God, the things of God will naturally permeate your life, and thus your goals will be in line with his will..." --Tommy Newberry, The 4:8 Principle

My verse for today: "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

My quote for today: "Becoming realistic is the most common path to mediocrity." --Will Smith

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

Day 1100

AUG 24th A Little Tweaking

Awhile back I bought a little book titled The 4:8 Principle. Good book! And I get occasional email newsletters from the author, Tommy Newberry.

Today I got one that was super! Just a tweak... a new perspective, a seemingly little idea, but with big consequences. It was probably in his book, and I missed it. 

First, here's the link to the whole article, which I highly recommend. I've been thinking about Joy AND Focus the last few days, and of course, that was his topic. Hmmm, no wonder it stuck out to me. 

In a nutshell, I think I sort of had the cart before the horse. 

And since the latest blogging BUZZ has been about getting sued (!) over using pics from online sources, I ripped out my own quickie illustration, LOL!!

Anyway, I realized I've been focused on the END of the process, the behavior I wanted. The outcome, the success, the victory. 

And Tommy says to focus, instead, on the START of the process. To quote from the article:

"Whatever we emphasize with our thoughts, words, or deeds multiplies in our mind. These thoughts become our focus. Our focus dictates our behavior."

So, I need to sow the seeds of right choices by thinking right thoughts, today. I can improve my tomorrow by improving my focus today. 

I've talked a lot about CHOICE here, and I think I sort of emphasized the choice of behavior. Sure, that's still true. But I think it just might work better if I started with my choice of FOCUS, and let the behavior flow from that... 

I know, clear as mud, LOL!  It's a subtle difference, I guess. But when I read it, it sort of clicked with me, and I got excited and encouraged to work on it.  Hope you like the article, too, since it will explain it MUCHO better. :-D

My book quote for today: "Right thinking is a choice." --Tommy Newberry, The 4:8 Principle

My verse for today: "Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light."

My quote for today: "The bad news is time flies. The good news is you're the pilot." --Michael Althsuler

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 1097

AUG 10th Unfocused

Well, I just re-read my last post (HERE) and had to ruefully laugh. I know WHAT I need to do... yet somehow seem to be drifting instead of focusing! For the past couple of days I've felt sooo tired, yet I don't think I'm sick or anything like that. Just... tired. 

(to go cross eyed, click to enlarge)

Maybe I've allowed that to be an excuse for not focusing. When I feel less than 100%, it's too easy to drift, to not fight, to let it go and think "tomorrow".

Today I read a quote on Coach Dayne's blog Coach Your Mind.  It is from Michael Phelps. In case you don't follow the Olympics, he is the USA swimmer who made history by earning 22 Gold Medals over his Olympics career. He's 27 years old. 

Michael said 

"You can't put a limit on anything."

The title of Coach Dayne's post is "Your Choice Dictates Every Outcome". Ouch.

How many Gold Medals do you think Michael Phelps would have won if he occasionally said "Oh, I'm kinda tired. I think I'll skip training today."

Sigh... guess I'd better listen to Michael. :-}

My book quote for today:   "Every thought you have shifts your life in a particular direction, sometimes in a minor way and sometimes in a major way. Every individual thought matters."--Tommy Newberry, The 4:8 Principle

My verse for today:  "Praise the Lord, O my soul... who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle."

My quote for today: "I believe we get more of whatever it is we give our most intense focus... My focus is on being a champion of my choices everyday--owning each one and maintaining the healthy-normal boundaries that have brought me this far." --Sean Anderson, Transformation Road (website) 

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 1083