SEPT 27th Challenging MySELF

Good afternoon Journal & Friends,

To paraphrase Shakespeare: To Challenge, or not to Challenge, that is the question.

Edwin Booth playing Hamlet, 1870

At the risk of sounding redundant, let me say this yet again: This is a journey... we are at different stages, not all at the same place. I believe we need stay true to ourselves, and do what's healthy for ourSELVES, and not get distracted by what seems to be the current popular thing to do. Yup, speaking from personal exerience here. :-}

I love Challenges. I find them fun, motivating and well... challenging. ;-)  And when I first started this blog, they helped me tremendously. They added not only accountability and inspiration to my journey, but also an element of fun and companionship. So, I am "pro-challenges". Heck, I've even led a couple!

Having said that, lately I find that I have turned a corner. I don't know if it's temporary or permanent. All I know is that right now, I need to do this for ME totally, not for a Challenge. Not because I have to report in, or be held accountable, or meet a deadline, etc, etc.

I've written and re-written this next sentence several times... I'm finding it hard to explain.

I want my choices to be so important, 

so valuable to me that I do well 

FOR ME... 

and it doesn't matter who else knows. 

• If everyone else decided to never do another challenge, I want to be so dedicated to my own healthy journey that it wouldn't matter one bit to me.

• If everyone else reached their goals and quit blogging, I want to be so totally committed to reaching my own best level of health possible, that I persevere no matter what.

• If everyone else found their true joy in life and stopped focusing on weight loss, I want to feel at peace within myself that it's okay, because I have made this a priority and answer to only ME.

Okay, those are extreme examples, but you get what I mean, I hope. :-)

I remember years ago reading something to the effect that the true measure of a person is revealed not in what they did when someone was watching, but what they did in private, when they knew NO ONE was watching. 

That's what I'm talking about... I want to have that kind of determination, deep down in my heart, that NOTHING will get in my way... even me, LOL! That I don't need to know someone will see my challenge check-in, but I am reporting to ME... and that's what counts the most.

Stuck on my computer is a little yellow post-it note, with these words from Chris at A Deliberate Life:

"The only thing standing between 

you and victory 

is you."

For several weeks now, I've watched all the Challenges gearing up for the fall and holiday seasons. And I considered joining one.

In fact, one that appealed to me the most was from Steve at Log My Loss (he requested we NOT link to him, since his site is having slow loading problems already). He is not able to personally lead the Hot 100 Challenge this year, but suggested this one: a do-it-yourself type Hot 100, referring to the last 100 days of 2011. Each person is in charge of their OWN challenge, choosing their goals and hooking up with others doing the same... deciding to end this year with a Bang. 

For those interested, here is the badge for the DIY Hot 100:

But... over and over, I keep going back to the fact that for me, at this place in my journey, I want to build up the strength to stay the course without depending upon an OUTside source of motivation. I want to cultivate that INside motivation.

Like I said, I enjoy challenges. And I am all for others doing them, if that's what they decide. But there is a time for all things, and for me, it's Time to embrace this journey joyfully and independently... meaning not depending upon a Challenge to carry me successfully through the holidays. But rather, because I have declared to myself, FOR myself... that I will choose what is healthy and right because I am valuing and honoring myself.

And I feel peaceful and good about that. 

From Dr Phil's book: "What I want you to focus on is requiring more of yourself, starting right now."

My verse for today: "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!"

My quote for today: "Figure out who you are, then do it on purpose." --Dolly Parton

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 772

JUNE 14th Strawberries, Sharks & Tears of Joy

Hello Journal & Friends,

For some of you, being told you needed a Size 3X dress would bring on tears of horror!! 

But for me... I had tears of joy. Yesterday was Jim's day off, and we went shopping and goofing off together. I got all dressed up and tried on a new lavendar dress, to see if it fit yet. YES!! It was a 3X. 

I've been buying clothing occasionally on clearance, but always in sizes too small for me yet. And I got this one a couple of months ago. It's been 26 YEARS since I've been able to wear a 3X!! When I was 460 pounds, I could barely squeeze into the largest 6X's that the Lane Bryant catalog sold. So... this is extremely encouraging to me.

While we were at WalMart, I spurged on some silly party plates to eat my lunches on.

For lunch today Tinkerbell and I had a small piece of the sugar free pie we also bought there.

And we couldn't forget Joey! Here is her new squeaky toy, which she loves:

We also picked strawberries yesterday...our barrel planter is overflowing with ripe strawberries, finally. Yay!

You know how you work hard, and wait, and expect results from your efforts...yet sometimes those results are not always exactly what you expected?? Hmmmm...

It's been a whole month since I started my Secret September Challenge. Wow... and we have both benefited so much! We've hit and overcome that "wall", where the honeymoon phase is over and the routine sets in. 

We've discovered some weaknesses we each need to work on, and I've had some new realizations that I think are going to help me go forward and make progress.

One of them is that my perceptions are skewed. REALLY SKEWED. Remember, I started up there pretty high, at 460 pounds. And when you are that overweight so long, I think it messes with your head... at least it did for me. 

What *I* think is normal, is not. 

What *I* perceive as bigger or smaller, is not.

What *I* feel is more or is less, is not the same as other people.

A perfect example: my new lavendar dress. I am sooo excited to be "down" to a 3X. Yet most of you would be aghast if you found yourself in a 3X. It's all in the perceptions. 

And... I think that's been working against me. 

Both my Secret Challenge partner and I have been having trouble ratcheting down the calories. And I finally realized just recently it's because, TO ME, the 1600 I was aiming for SEEMED VERY SMALL. But that was because I was--without realizing it--comparing it to what I USED to eat.

What I USED to eat was abnormal, not normal. Okay... intellectually, that's obvious. But I'm talking here about feelings... senses... perceptions... emotional reactions, whatever you call it.

I was using an ABNORMAL YARDSTICK as my comparison. I need to change my perceptions. To compare to a healthy, normal, moderate amount. 

I have the same trouble with portion sizes. A "normal" portion seems mighty tiny when I am hungry!! Yet invariably afterwards I am satisfied. But beforehand, it didn't "look" like very much. Again, I was comparing to the amounts I USED to eat. Skewed perceptions.

I know this will take time... to get so used to a new thing that it becomes my New Normal. But that's what I'm working on. Visualizing, accepting, enjoying, embracing and celebrating a Healthy New Normal. 

From Dr Phil's book: "Having specific, carefully mapped out, vividly envisioned goals is an absolute requirement for success."

My verse for today: "...put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love."

My quote for today: "If children have the ability to ignore all odds and percentages, then maybe we can all learn from them. When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope? We have two options, medically and emotionally: give up, or Fight Like Hell." --Lance Armstrong

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 669

JUNE 1st Feelin' Spunky!

Hello Journal & Friends,

Time for Updates!  First... dun da dun dun... the Monthly Weigh in results: down 3 pounds.  Hmmm.... time to require more from myself, yes?!

And that brings me to the next update... on how my Secret September Challenge is going: GREAT! 

For the challenge, I've been focusing on 4 areas that needed addressing, and have been feeling encouraged over the results. I know without a doubt, that if I hadn't committed to checking in EACH day with my Secret Partner, I would have made excuses. 

I only had 4 things on my goals list:

-Go to bed at midnight

-Track calories, stay on plan

-Exercise daily

-Attitude input (Bible and one other)

The results? 

Well, with much reluctance and grumbling, I dragged myself to bed on time almost every night for the past 19 days, since this started. And the "late" nights were like 12:24am, or 12:05am, etc. I would grumble that I'm not sleepy yet... or I have to finish this or that... but I did it anyway. I'm hoping that someday it might even feel "normal", LOL! 

And I finally had something happen that I hadn't had in a couple of years: one day this week I was hit with a BURST OF ENERGY  for a few hours!! When it's been so long, you forget what it feels like. And now I want more! So... this going to bed at a consistent time will be a permanent thing. 

I had let calorie tracking get sloppy... but thanks to this challenge, I'm getting back into the swing of it, and didn't miss a day. The next thing in that department is to rachet them DOWN lower. :-O

The exercise... need to try harder here. I did do something almost every day... just not vigorously enough. Yesterday I dusted off my rebounder and used it, gently, for the first time in months. Feeling encouraged and motivated here.

Attitude? Finally got consistent with my "mental input". And it DID help. I think it's one of those things I tend to think I can skip if I am busy, and think I'll just catch it the next day. Funny... we don't think that with physical food! Oh, too busy to eat, I'll just eat some tomorrow instead. Uh huh... yet for some reason I think that way about spiritual and mental food! So, I'm glad I included this in my challenge.

Overall... I'm feeling encouraged, and challenged to up my efforts. I recently visited Princess Dieters blog, Two Years To Happy Weight After. She's lost 103 lbs so far, and her progress photos inspired me to require more from myself. 

My Secret Partner is doing well and still making progress, in spite of some set-backs due to illness. You know... we all have a story. We all have "life" happen to us, and we can use it as an excuse to give up, or we can just get back up and keep going... and never quit. 

I will never quit. This next leg of my Secret September Challenge, I am determined to increase my efforts... to see better results due to better choices. 

Next month I want to be so excited I can hardly stand it, as I report the results from my efforts. It's on!

From Dr Phil's book: "There is strength and power in support."

My verse for today: "You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in your word."

My quote for today: "People become really quite remarkable when they start thinking that they can do things. When they believe in themselves they have the first secret of success."  --Norman Vincent Peale

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 656

MAY 13th Time to Bloom

Hello there Journal & Friends,

Blogger was acting stupid all day Thursday and I couldn't post this. So, I've just left it the way I wrote it yesterday:

Friday I am starting a new challenge with a Secret Partner. It's a "no excuses" challenge that will last til Sept 16th. The two of us are making up our own daily goals list, and will email each other our daily results... yes or no. Got it done, or not. No excuses. I've been floating too long, drifting and "trying". That's over. 

Tuesday I used a quote from Dr Phil that said:

"When you do things differently,

giving up those parts of your life

that have been self-defeating

for those which are self-affirming,

your weight, your health, and

your life change dramatically.

You acquire self-discipline

and strength."

My Secret Partner and I have each made out our own lists of "self-defeating" behaviors, and chosen our new lists of daily goals with the "self-affirming" corrections. And doing so has helped me see that I've allowed stuff to creep back in... and I've been a little discouraged at my lack of progress. 

Yet... at the same time, I was ENCOURAGED this morning by my progress. Kind of a weird paradox.

See, I went outside and was enjoying all the blooming plants in our yard. And I remembered how they used to look... and remembered that it takes time, persistance, hard work, and trust that it WILL pay off... in time. 

Not right after it's been planted... not in the winter... but in the spring, at the right time.

Here is what our house looked like, when we first moved in a couple of years ago. (As always, can click on any pics to enlarge)

We did a lot of work in the front.

Put in the concrete parking pad, and half circle drive, covered ramp, and landscaped hill.

Here is it after the plants were added, in April of 2010. They looked so tiny. :-)

And this is what I saw THIS MORNING!! That same hill (looking from the other direction) was busting out with blooms! I looked at that, and thought of my own journey... how I felt like I was coming out of winter, and felt ready for my own spring growth!

Here is the flower barrel Jim built last year, newly planted, with the ground all bare behind it.

And this is the same planter THIS MORNING, with all the flowers and plants behind it, all singing out loud, just bursting with "aliveness"!

The same thing happened with the barrel Jim built for our strawberries. Here it was from April of 2010, newly planted with dinky little strawberry plants... so new, so hopeful.

And sure enough, they grew and in May here came strawberries.

But then came summer...  then fall... then winter. I was sure they were dead. Early March of this year, I decided to scoop out all the dead leaves and debris, to get ready for a new planting. Lo and behold... there was LIFE under all the dead stuff!!

And now, with a little sunshine and rain, all by themselves, they have revived! And even spread out onto the ground next to the planter...here they are, bursting with new life this morning. :-)

I'm thinking I need to remember this is a process. And sometimes it might feel like winter. But if I trust, and never quit, and believe... I will grow and revive and thrive, too. 

And so I'm claiming that for myself. And that's why I am doing this new challenge with my Secret Partner. We both have felt like we are coming out of a "winter". And we are determined to have our Spring, no excuses. 

From Dr Phil's book: "It will happen because you have made the decision to step up and do what it takes to have what you want."

My verse for today: "They sought God eagerly, and he was found by them. So the Lord gave them rest on every side."

My quote for today: "This isn't forever, it's just for the rest of your life." --Jack Sh*t, Jack Sh*t Getting Fit 

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 637