March 28th Breaking the Chains of Fear

Been spending most of my time over at my art blog and creating a new website. 

Thinking.

Learning.

Pondering.

Questioning.

And listening for the answers.

After hearing a song called "No Longer Slaves" a few zillion times, I decided to actually believe the message.

"I'm no longer a slave to fear, 

I am a child of God."

Link for those interested: song on youtube

Fear? Me? naw.... yeah, right.

I've spent years at this health/weight loss blog. Writing, looking for answers. Reading and researching. Trying to learn. I found some things that worked for me, as long as I worked at them consistently.

Yet it never seemed to permanently take root. I had to constantly focus on it. It felt like it sucked all my time and energy. When was it going to be permanent?? 

I knew most the mechanics of it, this "losing weight thing". So... I decided to put it on auto-pilot. And I spent my best energy over at my art. And waited. 

I floundered around awhile. Gained some. Lost some (thankfully, I'm on the losing end of that now). I tried to just do the basics I knew, and focus on the thing I felt I was here to do: to do something, anything, in art. 

To make something, anything, that might be a blessing to someone else. To bring a smile, to enrich or add value to someones life.

Oh, and those fears?? Well, let's see...

Fear of sounding pompous or self-important by wanting to make art that would actually be a blessing to someone.

Fear of putting it out there, to be accepted or rejected.

Fear of being judged in the art world, the way I've been judged in the "weight loss" world.

Fear of trying and failing, of never making art in the real world the way it looks in my imagination.

Fear that it really IS too late.

Fear of going against the mainstream of what is "popular" in art circles nowadays.

And how's this one: fear that some will think this post is a clever marketing trick to get ya'll to go visit my new art site. 

Anyway, I decided it's time to let the fears go, the best I can. Let go of all the fears that kept me for YEARS from making a serious art website where I sell my art. 

To let go of the fear of mentioning it, because I was afraid people would think I was using them... trolling for customers. All that squirrelly thinking that held me back.

And now that I actually DID take action, I am more at peace and happier with myself, and finding it not "quite" so hard to do those healthy basics I mentioned earlier.

I suspect I will need to work on eating healthy more than the average bear for the rest of my life. But...  now that my focus is on something that brings me joy and a reason to get up in the morning, methinks it won't be such a grind. Well, I can hope! 

:-D

I encourage anyone, everyone who is on this quest to get healthy to find YOUR path. Your own answers. Never give up looking. 

And find your passion, the thing that lights you up inside. That gives you a feeling of purpose. For too long I put that aside, thinking I had to have this weight loss thing all squared away before I could really pursue my dreams. WAY too long. As in, years. 

Learn from my mistakes, and live your best life NOW. Live on purpose NOW. :-)

Enjoy the journey (not just the destination),

Retta

JAN 24th Toon Tuesday, A Freebie & Playing With Fire

Hi there Journal & Friends,

With the shiny new year of 2012, I am shifting some of my emphasis to what I want: my art, and to live my life to the fullest, becoming who I was meant to be, living with passion and purpose. 

That's why I'm working, afterall, to lose weight and regain health. That's my WHY. I want to focus on that, on what I WANT, not focus on what I do NOT want. To look forward, not backward. 

I was reminded recently that our brain can't tell the difference between a negative or a positive. For instance, think of a pink elephant.

Now... do NOT think of the pink elephant. I don't know about you, but every time I close my eyes and say "do NOT think of a pink elephant"... I DO! This silly example helps to remind me not to focus on "I don't want to be fat"...but rather... "I want to be healthy, strong and lighter". 

So... on to focus on what I DO want. :-D

For my birthday, my sister Karen sent me a birthday card with this quote: 

"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit." --Albert Schweitzer

Today for Toon Tuesday, I want to offer a VLOG showing--in speed drawing mode--my doodle of Word Bubble #1. It will be blank in the middle, and I offer the finished doodle below as a free download to anyone who would like to play along. You get to pick your own inspiring word to add to the center. 

By the way, I kinda sorta goofed, and didn't leave a very large word bubble in the middle. Sorry 'bout dat. Next time I'll make the blank space bigger. :-}

Here's the finished blank for you to download. Be sure to click and enlarge, so you download the large file, not the thumbnail.

 I'm going to dink around this coming week and color mine. You are welcome to do whatever you want to yours... color it, change it, glitter it, alter it, collage it, whatever. And next Tuesday it would so fun if you came back and gave a link to your blog to share your results, if you're comfortable doing so. 

Only one rule: Have fun! Remember when we were kids and not worried about "being good"? So give yourself permission to just goof around and play, okay?  :-D

Remember the above quote from my sister Karen? The inspiring word I added to my word bubble is FIRE!

This is a first for me, drawing with a camera watching. In INK! No pencil, no eraser. No plan, other than to leave a word bubble in the middle. New year... new adventures!

Speed Doodling - Word Bubble #1 by Retta

(For an easier to see larger version, just

go to my YouTube Page HERE)

For you busybees who don't have 6 min to watch (or maybe you're at work) that's okay, just swipe a copy of the doodle and play along anyway. :-)

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 890

JAN 12th A Song & Baring My Heart

Hi Journal & Friends,

When I was 20, I thought I had forever.

In a few days I'll be 61... and now I think differently. I want to have not wasted this gift called Life. I want to BE the person I was created to be, to live a DELIBERATE life, to live on purpose and with passion.

This Time theme tends to 

show up in my art, too...

I know some of you don't watch videos... you skim in 30 seconds and are off to the next blog... I get it, really. So, just for you, I'm including some of the lyrics from the video below. :-)

I was struck by it... how much it expressed my longing to live a life that matters, that leaves the world a tiny better for having been in it. 

I Was Here

I wanna leave my footprints on the sands of timeKnow there was something that, and something that I left behindWhen I leave this world, I'll leave no regretsLeave something to remember, so they won't forget
I was hereI lived, I lovedI was hereI did, I've done, everything that I wantedAnd it was more than I thought it would beI will leave my mark so everyone will knowI was here
I want to say I lived each day, until I dieAnd know that I meant something in, somebody's lifeThe hearts I have touched, will be the proof that I leaveThat I made a difference, and this world will see
I was hereI lived, I lovedI was hereI did, I've done, everything that I wantedAnd it was more than I thought it would be
I will leave my mark so everyone will know
I was hereI lived, I lovedI was hereI did, I've done, everything that I wantedAnd it was more than I thought it would beI will leave my mark so everyone will knowI was here
I just want them to knowThat I gave my all, did my bestBrought someone some happinessLeft this world a little better just because
I was here.......

Some have cattily said it's an arrogant song by Beyonce, like she thinks she's "all that". Well, I don't see it that way. 

I see it as someone who wants to LIVE their life with purpose, with intention, not wasting it and wanting to give back. To love and to be loved. To live a DELIBERATE life. 

That's the cry of my heart, too. I don't need the applause of the audience, or my name in lights, or pats on the back. I DO need to know, in my heart of hearts, that I did my best to live, love, and give. 

On my darkest days, I admit I cry and have regrets and feel I missed the mark. But most days now, I feel like I am at least reaching out, aiming higher, and trying to make Time count for something... to be the person God created me to be... "that I gave my all, did my best, brought someone some happiness, left this world a little better just because I was here..."

From Dr Phil's book: "Be realistic about what you can control and what you can't."

My verse for today: "Let us not become weary in doing good for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."

My quote for today: "I will live this day to it's fullest. Time is the coin of my life, and I choose to spend it wisely." --Carl Sandburg, paraphrased

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 878

NOV 30th Finding The Courage To Face My Stuff

Good afternoon, Journal & Friends,

Jim is out the door to work, Joey is napping in her doggie bed, the Kitties are sleeping on my bed, and even though I have a mountain of chores to get caught up on (Jim was off work for 5 days) I just want to slow down and say "hello" to myself! To make myself check in and get real.

On Nov 17th I started a 1600 calorie per day experiment, along with my usual low carb plus gluten free. Last time I did this, I GAINED weight, got skeered, and backed off. But I didn't give it much of a try... only a week. This time, I decided to do it for a month no matter what, just to see. I planned not to count calories for Thanksgiving, just have a maintence day. But other than that each day was capped at 1600. Well, that was the plan.

Last night I was tired and hungry, and used that as my "justification" to eat an extra meal. Sigh... At first I was so disappointed and feeling defeated. Then I remembered... Out of the last 14 days, 13 of them have been on plan! Um... why not feel good about that?! Okay, so I accepted that I did NOT face my stuff last night, instead choosing to stuff my face. I'm moving on.

Last night I read the latest post by Chris...  AFTER I had overeaten for the night. Ugh... what timing. :-} It was right on the button. I "use" food as a drug, as an escape, and I sort of filed that under her "filling the void" category. And her post reminded me of something I'd been thinking about... that I am good at maintaining a weight along the way. 

I reach a range, and stay there a loooonnnnggg time. It's happened to me repeatedly along this journey, and as a result I've been at this for YEARS. I started at 460 and got stuck around 400. Then I got stuck around 375, then around 350. My lastest sticking range has been in the 330's.  I had hit around 325, lost it and bounced back into the 330's, where I've been fumbling around for a YEAR. Duh... I finally see the pattern! 

And I think I know why, too. It has to do with peeling away the layers of "stuff", as Chris alluded to in her post. And in order to let go and lose more weight, I have to face more stuff and not medicate it with food instead. Each new lower weight range means I have to stop running from whatever it is that pressures me to want to eat instead of think about it, and put it to rest. So... I resist. I cling to my drug and resist the pain of facing my stuff. I wanna stay in my comfort zone, whatever range that happens to be.

Well, I want to finish this journey. To see MORE progress. To have the joy and peace that comes from an authentic life. Not a phony "la la la, everything is fine because I am numb to it due to drugging the feelings with food" kind of life. 

I want to remember that while the outcome is not always within my control, my EFFORT level IS within my control. I can choose not to run from facing uncomfortable stuff. I can choose to make the time to think and face my feelings. I find it strange yet obvious now... that I can even use "living my best life now" as a convenient way to stay too busy to face my feelings. Aarrgh... I've been getting busier with art projects and while that is good and what I feel I am meant to do, I found that I would tell myself I am too busy to do the mental work of this journey... too busy to sit and think, to feel, to process WHY I want to eat. Yikes... I was using a good thing--my art projects--as an excuse to avoid looking in my mental mirror. :-}

Be sure to read the comments under Chris's post. There are some rich insights there to be gleaned. Deb described exactly how I use food, too. Helen talked about facing down our fears. Crumpled Moments wrote about how she was kept busy, without time to think, so when her kids got older and the house got quiet, that caught up with her. And there's more. Good stuff. I appreciate that we can learn from each other. I appreciate these people that are willing to honestly share their hearts with others. That takes guts.

From Dr Phil's book: "Be a part of the group who have the courage and determination to stay in the light."

My verse for today: "Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths..."

My quote for today: "Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore." --Andre Gide

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 835

OCT 28th Life is Now & He's A Keeper

Hi Journal & Friends,

I mentioned in my last post that Saturday, Oct 22nd, had been our 34th wedding anniversary and that it was a wonderful day all around. I'd like to tell one reason WHY it was so nice: we tried to surprise each other, and for once, we both succeeded!

Me: I spent several months filling out occasional online surveys for points. But instead of cashing them in, I saved them up until I had earned a $25 gift certificate to Target. I bought a little gift sack, decorated it, and inside was his gift certificate. That may not sound like a big deal... but usually I have to take money from his paycheck to buy a gift for him. This was a total surprise to him that I had earned it all by my little self. ;-) 

If anyone is interested in the deets about doing surveys... you can check it out to see if they are currently accepting any more participants, HERE.    Don't worry, they are legit. They send out surveys every couple of weeks or so, and offer points that gradually accumulate. Most of the surveys are quite short, occasionally one is longer (like the one yesterday, took me about 15 minutes!). You can cash the points in for stuff at places like WalMart, Starbucks, Target, Home Depot, etc.

MyGuy: He knew I was looking to add to my tiny collection of cute small plates and teacups. So he sneaked around to yard sales and thrift shops for the past couple of months, and chose ones he thought I'd like. Totally surprised me. :-D

This goofy handpainted folk art plate cracked me up.

He said when he saw it, he KNEW I'd like it. :-D

As we drove around on our anniversay day, we chatted and remembered. And both absolutely could NOT fathom that 34 years had gone by... no way!!

It goes by fast... so so very fast. Makes me want to get this "weight loss" portion of my journey OVER with, so I can shift my focus fully to the art of LIVING. In fact, that's what I've been focusing on more and more lately... living now. Now. Yes, I want to get the weight off and have better health. But I've come to a calm lately about it. It will happen, yes. But I need to focus on WHY I want it to happen, and live that life even now. 

Yeah, it's probably sounding rather redundant... I keep writing about this. But it's on my mind alot, and since it IS my blog... well, you know how that goes. ;-)

(can click to enlarge)

From Dr Phil's book: "You can create an internal dialogue that is healthy, constructive, and joyful."

My verse for today:  "You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence."

My quote for today: "Art is created to encourage people to hang on, stand up, forebear, continue... We must infuse our lives with Art...We need Art to live fully and to grow healthy." --Maya Angelou

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 803

JUNE 3rd Just Being Me

Hi Journal & Friends,

"That's me! That's exactly me!"

That is what I said the second I opened the package with my new tea mug in it. Last Friday I posted about my new favorite pretties (HERE) and explained that I was starting a tea cup collection, just for me. I was spending the money on something for myself, and not feeling guilty about it! Sure, I had planned to get most of them at used places, for little one of a kind tea cups.

But occasionally I "window shop" on Etsy.com, and last week I spotted a hand-built one-of-a-kind expresso mug. I was in love! It was soooo "me"! It was created by Alesa at Star Light Clay. 

If you think this post is all about a "thing", about materialism and buying stuff... then you will miss my point. I wanted... needed... to do something just for me. Something that was symbolic and special. This little mug set has meaning to me.

I've always loved cobalt blue, and this celadon blue is mighty close to that, and beautiful. 

And I love quirky "not made in a factory by a machine" stuff. You know... hand crafted by an artist stuff! And Alesa makes the most unusual and quirky pieces! Did you notice those little feet??

The stamped design was significant to me, too. I've always thought of the people in my life as having left their "mark" on me, their stamp upon my heart. I thought of Momma when I saw this, and my Dad, and other people I love, both living and gone. I love texture, and the stamp embellishments on this set are just up my alley... I adore them!

It is not perfect... neither am I. 

It has character... so do I.

It is unique... so am I.

It is quirky and whimsical... and I enjoy that, too!

I've been using this little mug all week, and it makes me think of the New Me that I am becoming. It makes me smile, and anticipate MORE changes, more new stuff... more adventures to come. Did I mention I really really like it??!! Thank you, Alesa, it's just perfect.

(Hey Mama, I needz a haircut!)

From Dr Phil's book: "What I want you to focus on is requiring more of yourself, starting right now."

My verse for today: "You are good, and what you do is good; teach me your decrees."

My quote for today: "I didn't say it would be easy. I just said it would be the truth." Morpheus, from The Matrix

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 658