JUNE 17th Ups n Downs, But Never Give Up

It's been a long time since I've been so overwhelmed with temptation that I took something out of the garbage and ate it. 

Oh... you've never done that?? Then you don't understand true food addiction. Addiction to the way eating something can make you feel. 

The temporary lift 

The temporary escape 

The temporary hit to the pleasure center in the brain

I didn't do it this time, but the urge was powerful and I came close. Too close.

You see I, myself, opened the door to be set up for it. A relative came into town and brought dinner. Included was some "crack cocaine"... aka... fresh baguette bread. 

I had two responses: red flag warning, since in my past I have literally eaten a whole loaf with a stick of butter over the course of one day. And... rationalization. Telling myself it's no big deal, it's family, it's a special occasion, I'll just have a little and be done with it. 

Uh huh. Yep. That's the worst kind of lie, the kind we tell ourself. 

For some people, they could handle "a little bit". But I know my history. And I never should have listened to the lie.

After they left, I had "just one more slice". Then another. Then another... MyGuy came home and caught me having "just one slice". I didn't explain it was just one AFTER ten other "just ones".  In other word, I lied by omission. Sigh... that's a classic sign of an addict hiding their behavior, right??

So, I made sure he saw me throw the rest of the loaf, in it's bag, into the trash can. As if I was oh-so-in-control. Riiiggghhtttt...

The next day I was under more stress from other issues, and was hit with the image of that baguette bread, in the trash but "protected" by it's plastic bag. And for a fleeting second I seriously considered pulling it out and eating it.

I was aghast at myself! I was disgusted, disappointed, and embarrassed that I actually considered doing that.

After all these years. After all those pounds lost so far. And I'm STILL even entertaining doing something like that??!!!!!

Even now, it makes me cry. I wonder if I have changed at all. I wonder if I am just following a "program", yet inside there is no true change.

I once wrote a post (HERE) trying to articulate the differences, as I saw it, in the weight loss experiences of a "smaller" overweight person and a super-sized person (jumbo jet vs cessna). Sure, some things are the same. But some feel different to me.

I started at 460 pounds. The canyons seemed deeper, the mountains seemed higher. Temptation seemed so powerful and hope seemed farther away. Success always felt right around the corner, but just out of reach.

The road, for the super-sized person, can seem soooo long. It's easy to get so very tired of it all. To start thinking compromise. Couched in a "positive" way, of course, like "look how far you've come".  

But it's still settling. 

Still stopping short. 

Still giving up. 

Still buying into the lie that I've come as far as I can, and it's time to get "realistic" and accept that this is IT.

I'm not sure why I'm feeling so raw today. I am successfully, finally, back on track, after a few days of struggle. I think it's a deep and powerful response to a blog post I read from Holly, HERE. 

After reading what Holly wrote, I cried, and I felt understood. She's lost 240 pounds and KNOWS the long struggle. Also the pitfalls along the way and even after. The pull of that addiction. The way we rationalize our behavior. The guilt over making selfish choices instead of following our faith, and going to God instead of food. All that.

So... I'm not giving up. I pray for help. I pray for mercy. I pray for encouragement. And I feel grateful that HOPE is real and powerful.

Answer my prayers, O Lord, 

for your unfailing love is wonderful.

Take care of me, for your mercy is so plentiful. 

Psalm 69:16

Loretta

JULY 16th A Rant & A Blogcation

Shall we talk about The Food Reward Theory of Obesity?

Some of us old enough to remember drive-in movies, clamp-on roller skates and 4 cent postage for letters are cracking up over the people trying to make a name for themselves in the realm of research.

Give me a break! If it tastes good, you'll wanna eat more, and you just might get fat??? 

Really??? 

What genius! Why, let's give 'em an award for their brilliant deductions!!! (insert snarky sound effects here)

Hey, wait a minute!  Nobody gave my Mama an award for her brilliance when she refused to let us kids pig out on dessert after dinner. Or when she said only one cookie, or it'll spoil your dinner. Yep, Mama had this Food Reward Theory of Obesity all figured out. She knew you needed to control the sweets. 

Let's see, it went something like this:

It tastes good. 

Kids will wanna eat more than they should because it's sweet and nummy.

I'm the Mama. I will say No. 

End of story.

Nowadays, they are writing papers and books, giving lectures and holding conferences, and arguing with other researchers over "the cause" of obesity.

Come on... do they think we are suckers? I for one am tired of this stupid arguing! 

Of COURSE if you taste a yummy tasting food, especially a sweet one, it could trigger a response in you that says: Eat more, suckah! And that response could be physical, emotional, or both. 

Duh! Since when is this news??

Answer: Choose whatever floats yer boat.

Eat sweet stuff, or eat fruit, or eat both... it's a choice.

I am sooo over it! 

I've had it. 

I am DONE listening to all the Educated Idiots constantly coming up with the latest and greatest in New Theories as to how we got fat.

I wanna just get on with productive action, and get healthy. Enough with the silly theories already! I admit I over simplified the "theory", but come on, there's more important things in life than quibbling over minutiae and unproven theories.

Okay. Rant over. 

All done.

Happy again.

Now let's see... what's that theory about serotonin and dopamine deficiency fueling our cravings??  Ack! My head's gonna 'slode...

So... I've decided to take a Summer Blogcation. No more theory thinkin... it's starting to feel counterproductive.

I'm going to relax and spend time over at my art blog, HERE.   

I plan to pop in for a couple of pre-planned special announcements, but other than that, my poor little brain needs a break! :-)

Later Gators,

Loretta

=^..^=

MAY 22nd But... I Was Doing So Well

I wrote this late Sunday night... and I've been debating if I should post it or not. Sometimes I envy those with "private" blogs. 

Then, this morning, I read my email. In there was a wonderful note from an internet friend that was so uplifting and encouraging, and I knew I had to be honest. This journey is not a success-only trip. For me, it's had it's share of stumbles, too.

I temporarily wandered off my yellow brick road... but I think I'm finding my way back now. Anyway... here goes:

But... I was doing so well. 


Famous last words, right?

Had a fascinating/painful experience... fascinating  because my Father was a police officer, then lawyer, then finally federal court judge.

Painful because my Other Half has been on vacation almost 2 weeks. The longer it went, the farther  behind I got in everything.

The pressure built.

It finally blew.  

Hurt feelings... disappointments... old wounds surfacing... old trigger buttons punched.

As I lay alone in bed sobbing my heart out to God, giving him my laundyry list of complaints, I felt met with understanding and compassion. Then, it was like a gentle voice said, "Yes, I agree with you, he DID do all those things. Yes, he WAS guilty of all you accuse him of... Now, argue for the defense."

??!

Like in a courtroom... and I had just argued the case for the prosecution, and now I was being asked by The Judge to argue for the defense.

This wasn't just some "reframing" psychobabble... it was a change of heart-view.

It was hard.

I didn't WANT to see it from any other point of view... I was the injured party here.

But I did... and though it was like pulling teeth at first, slowly I could see another side... and I could also see why it hurt me so bad.

I gave all the arguments for the defense I could think of, sort of reluctantly at first.

But at the end, the Closing Argument for the defense was: Yes, he falls short... but he's doing the best he knows how.

Um... Just. Like. Me.

Eating everything in the kitchen had not helped.

Crying my heart out had not helped.

But looking at him from another point of view... with a changed heart... with compassion and love, did help.

I no longer want to eat everything edible in Oregon, justifying it with "what's the point?"

I at least want to keep trying.

Love is a very powerful thing. A real thing... a permeating thing... a getting down to the root of stuff thing.

I'm healing.

I'm going on.

I refuse to give up.

Not exactly enjoying the journey right now... but getting better,

Loretta

Day 1009

NOV 30th Finding The Courage To Face My Stuff

Good afternoon, Journal & Friends,

Jim is out the door to work, Joey is napping in her doggie bed, the Kitties are sleeping on my bed, and even though I have a mountain of chores to get caught up on (Jim was off work for 5 days) I just want to slow down and say "hello" to myself! To make myself check in and get real.

On Nov 17th I started a 1600 calorie per day experiment, along with my usual low carb plus gluten free. Last time I did this, I GAINED weight, got skeered, and backed off. But I didn't give it much of a try... only a week. This time, I decided to do it for a month no matter what, just to see. I planned not to count calories for Thanksgiving, just have a maintence day. But other than that each day was capped at 1600. Well, that was the plan.

Last night I was tired and hungry, and used that as my "justification" to eat an extra meal. Sigh... At first I was so disappointed and feeling defeated. Then I remembered... Out of the last 14 days, 13 of them have been on plan! Um... why not feel good about that?! Okay, so I accepted that I did NOT face my stuff last night, instead choosing to stuff my face. I'm moving on.

Last night I read the latest post by Chris...  AFTER I had overeaten for the night. Ugh... what timing. :-} It was right on the button. I "use" food as a drug, as an escape, and I sort of filed that under her "filling the void" category. And her post reminded me of something I'd been thinking about... that I am good at maintaining a weight along the way. 

I reach a range, and stay there a loooonnnnggg time. It's happened to me repeatedly along this journey, and as a result I've been at this for YEARS. I started at 460 and got stuck around 400. Then I got stuck around 375, then around 350. My lastest sticking range has been in the 330's.  I had hit around 325, lost it and bounced back into the 330's, where I've been fumbling around for a YEAR. Duh... I finally see the pattern! 

And I think I know why, too. It has to do with peeling away the layers of "stuff", as Chris alluded to in her post. And in order to let go and lose more weight, I have to face more stuff and not medicate it with food instead. Each new lower weight range means I have to stop running from whatever it is that pressures me to want to eat instead of think about it, and put it to rest. So... I resist. I cling to my drug and resist the pain of facing my stuff. I wanna stay in my comfort zone, whatever range that happens to be.

Well, I want to finish this journey. To see MORE progress. To have the joy and peace that comes from an authentic life. Not a phony "la la la, everything is fine because I am numb to it due to drugging the feelings with food" kind of life. 

I want to remember that while the outcome is not always within my control, my EFFORT level IS within my control. I can choose not to run from facing uncomfortable stuff. I can choose to make the time to think and face my feelings. I find it strange yet obvious now... that I can even use "living my best life now" as a convenient way to stay too busy to face my feelings. Aarrgh... I've been getting busier with art projects and while that is good and what I feel I am meant to do, I found that I would tell myself I am too busy to do the mental work of this journey... too busy to sit and think, to feel, to process WHY I want to eat. Yikes... I was using a good thing--my art projects--as an excuse to avoid looking in my mental mirror. :-}

Be sure to read the comments under Chris's post. There are some rich insights there to be gleaned. Deb described exactly how I use food, too. Helen talked about facing down our fears. Crumpled Moments wrote about how she was kept busy, without time to think, so when her kids got older and the house got quiet, that caught up with her. And there's more. Good stuff. I appreciate that we can learn from each other. I appreciate these people that are willing to honestly share their hearts with others. That takes guts.

From Dr Phil's book: "Be a part of the group who have the courage and determination to stay in the light."

My verse for today: "Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths..."

My quote for today: "Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore." --Andre Gide

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 835

OCT 25th This Is Real Life

Hello Journal & Friends!

Today is my 800th day since starting my blog. Whoodathunkit!

For me, it's brought out a mixed reaction, seeing as how I am still not at my goal.  :-}

I was all set to write about what a roller coaster ride this last week and a half has been. My Sweetie was on vacation from work the whole time... which seriously interrupts computer time and alone time. I'm feeling the stress from being behind on EV-erything.

Let's see... I went Zero Wheat on Oct 1st. Did great, lost 2 pounds, two weeks in a row. 

Then, feeling all jazzed, was "willing" to lower my calories to 1400 and get All Serious. Did fabulous... til the following weeks weigh-in: gained 2 pounds. Say what??!

Then it was our 34th wedding anniversary this last Saturday, and it was a wonderful day all around. 

But... the next day I was tired and not feeling it, and slammed head first into the "I-just-don't-care-what's-the-use-it's-too-late-for-me-anyway" wall. So, I overate a bit... on-plan food, but too much of it. 

It's weird... I knew at the time it wouldn't make me feel better. But instead I chose plain ol' "escapism". In fact, I had a can of Spam sitting on the counter, ready to fry it all up with melted cheese. The only reason it's still in my cupboard is cuz I glanced at the clock, and it was 11 pm. I had to go to bed soon, and figured it wouldn't be worth it. I wish I could say it was for a more Mature reason that I stopped, but there it is. :-}

Then yesterday as I was looking forward to some "me" time when he goes back to work today, and about to post an Oh Poor Me Lament... it struck me that this is NOT some diabolical roller coaster ride designed just to get me sidetracked. 

It's. Just. Life.

Just plain, ordinary ups and downs of my life. I admit, I'd sure LIKE it to be all smooth sailing. I usually stay on track just fine, thank you very much, when things are all hunky dory. But when my routines are jerked out from under me, I flounder. I really really REALLY need to change that. I WANT to change that. 

Because it finally occurred to me that the Routine and Order that I enjoy is not always what Life has planned for me. I am not the center of the universe, and God doesn't check with MY daily planner before He allows stuff to happen. :-}

So, back to the journey. 

Back to the focus on being Consistent, and not using routine disruptions as excuses. 

Back to shifting more focus over to my art, and finishing up my sewing projects from this summer. 

Back to LIFE. 

Living it now, not waiting til I'm skinnier. 

:-)

From Dr Phil's book: "Our inner thoughts, beliefs, self-perceptions, and emotions can give us a lift for a positive outcome, or hold us back in complete inertia."

My verse for today: "You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to you."

My quote for today: "Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice." --Wayne Dyer

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 800

SEPT 8th I Can Do Hard Things, too

Hello Journal & Friends,

Yesterday I spent a lot of time gritting my teeth and quoting Chris over and over to myself: I can do hard things! Ever see that in the side bar at A Deliberate Life??

I Can Do Hard Things

See, yesterday I was at the dentist. And it was NOT going well. A very painful session, for multiple reasons I won't bore you with. Here is what I look like TODAY (sorry for the glare on my computer glasses, I forgot to take them off):

And that's just the OUTside... the inside feels worse.

I wanted to console myself with food... isn't that what "we" do??? But luckily for me, the whole lower half of my mouth was throbbing all day yesterday. So I actually ate very little. Add in a fight with MyGuy... and it was a terrific day (yes... read sarcasm there).

And since I couldn't calm the storm with food... I felt it all. And guess what?? The physical pain was nuthin in comparison to the mental/emotional pain. But... I survived.

My point?? It was amazing to me how much it helped me to zone out at the dentists office, by thinking about Chris and her mantra: 

I Can Do Hard Things

I've read it there before, on her blog. But I resisted being a copycat. My ego wanted to be oh-so-original and come up with my own snazzy saying. Well... phooey. Why re-invent the wheel?? Why try to improve on perfection?? And that mantra is perfect for me right now, at this stage of my Becoming, my Changing.

I Can Do Hard Things

Yesterday came on the heels of a couple of horrible eating days, by the way. I've been reading Wheat Belly, by Dr William Davis (see HERE for the review by Dana Carpender that convinced me to buy it). 

And I had a ridiculous reaction to it... something triggered in my head, and I went nutso! Like my favorite drug was threatened, and I had to eat it all before it was too late. The weird thing is... I wasn't eating that many wheat products on a regular basis. Maybe a couple of low carb tortillas a week, and occasionally some store bought sugar free baked goods as a treat... an occasional piece of high fiber bread or cracker. What they call "bridge foods", that help you stay on your journey while in transition. Those of you farther along than I am probably don't eat them any longer, and that's fine by me. Someday I, too, will probably get there. But right now I'm not fussing over it. But from now on... they can't contain wheat!

Anne at CarbTripper had a post recently talking about how we can get anxious over change, even when we KNOW the change is for our own good. I could identify with what she wrote! 

Well... I haven't finished the book yet, but I sure have a lot of symptoms mentioned in it. And if not eating wheat can help me heal, physically, then even though I find it hard, it's a small price to pay for improved health. So, for now, I have decided to DELETE THE WHEAT.... because I Can Do Hard Things! 

From Dr Phil's book: "Stay real and stay flexible. Control problem foods."

My verse for today: "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

My quote for today: "Knowing is not enough, we must apply. Willing is not enough, we must do." --Goethe

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 753

AUG 11th See Ya Later Alligator

Hello Journal & Friends,

I've had something on my mind for several weeks now.

Finally, I have made a decision. One that is best for ME. I'm "unplugging" for the rest of the month of August. A Blogcation, if you will. 

"After 'while, crocodile"

I've been feeling more and more pressured lately, but couldn't put my finger on why. I finally figured it out. Simple really...

 I am so far behind with necessary projects, that I was feeling overwhelmed, and ended up doing NOTHING. Paralyzed by the sheer size of the list... classic procrastination behavior!! And naturally, as the stress built up, I started reverting to old deeply ingrained habits... of trying to relieve it with eating. Too many calories, whether on plan food or not, will STILL throw a monkey wrench in the works!! I remembered doing a post on "instinctual drift",  and looked it up. Wow... just what I needed to read! Obviously, I still haven't mastered that one yet. :-}

Ever see a duck gliding along on the water, and it looks so peaceful? Yet underneath that water, it's little webbed feet are paddling for all it's worth! That's how I felt... paddling like crazy, but never catching up.

(Photo credit)

I made my decision this morning, and already feel soooo much more relaxed and optimistic. I plan to take a day or two for strategizing, and am even feeling like it will be a fun goal to see just how much I can get done by the end of August. 

An example of one of the projects?? Okay... I hardly have anything to wear for the summer that isn't falling off my shoulders due to being too big!! I can sew, I have a machine, and I plan to go through everything that still has life in them, and sew them smaller. Buying all new stuff at this point is not in the budget, and I think tackling this project will help me feel spiffier, rather than sloppy.

Another example?? I have all the material and hardware, yet haven't finished curtains for two windows yet. And we've lived here 2 years! 

There are several more projects, including the fabric side walls for a "sun cabana" I'm making for my backyard. Fun, wild Hawaiin flower material. I'll post pics when it's done. Now, do NOT picture this in your imagination, LOL, but I want a little sun room so I can go outside and show a lot of skin, and soak up some liquid Vitamin D and RELAX. Can't do that if I am on edge wondering if or when my neighbors are walking up to the fence for a chat!! :-O   Hence, my idea for a Sun Cabana... a frame with cheerful fabric sides and no roof, so I can sit inside and soak up some rays.

Stay cool, friends. I'll see ya in a few weeks.

From Dr Phil's book: "Ultimately, only you--and you alone--are responsible for getting your weight under control."

My verse for today: "The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever..."

My quote for today: "I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do the something that I can do. What I can do, I should do. And what I should do, by the grace of God, I will do." --Edward Everett Hale

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 725

JULY 31st Ups n Downs & Regaining Focus

Good morning Journal & Friends,

This last week was one of highs and lows, ups and downs. I want to write about it... but don't have the liberty to give details. It's hard to make sense without specifics, ya know? But I also don't want anyone reading my blog to think "Oh, it's just so easy", and get the wrong impression. 

There ARE hard times. There ARE struggles. The big thing is: how do we handle them? How do I handle them??  

Last night I fell flat on my face, and ended up shoveling in LOTS of unplanned food. I have a dear friend who is doing the Carb Conquest Cruise with me, and I didn't WANT to email her with my days worth of calories and carbs. Not because I was embarrassed by the humongous numbers (which I was and they were)... but because I still wanted to eat more!!!!!

In the end, I did email her. And I did NOT continue eating. What good would it have done?? It wouldn't have helped the situation one bit. Only made me feel worse. And she understood, and said the most helpful and uplifting thing back to me, ever: 

"Tonight, we resist food.  Tomorrow, we'll pull back onto the highway and cruise on.  With Jesus."

Tomorrow is the first of the month weigh in. I don't know how other people feel, but I am always excited and hopeful that I'll get to post a loss. This time, I don't think I'll get to. Because last night I also looked back at the statistics I've been keeping all week, and realized that the numbers tell the brutal truth: I wasn't doing as well as I thought I had been. 

But if I hadn't been keeping track, I would weigh in tomorrow, and moan and groan and wonder pitifully "what happened?" Well, I KNOW what happened. I happened. My choices happened. So, that's the benefit of keeping track. I can face it, go back and analyze it, accept responsibility and go FORWARD. With BETTER choices this time, based on the truth. Hiding from the details is not useful. But keeping a record IS useful. I'm not afraid of the truth, even when it hurts. Because in the end, the truth brings freedom.

But... I let myself become distracted. I lost focus. Lots of reasons... but really, the specifics don't matter. Because we ALL have our reasons. Life keeps going on, even though sometimes I wish it would just LEAVE ME ALONE, let me have a little "vacation" from the stressful parts for awhile, so I could make lots of progress. I mean... I USED to ALWAYS dive into the food to get away from the stress and take a "vacation" from feeling it. Um... like I did last night!  I fell back into the old reactive response to stress.

I suppose this is another opportunity to get stronger and make progress in SPITE of circumstances. I had forgotten that. Time to put on my Big Girl Panties and get going again!

A couple of months ago I was grooming Joey on our front porch. I was tickled at how she was so serious and focused, and enjoying being brushed. So I grabbed my camera. Then, at the end, suddenly she lost focus because her favorite Chew Toy walked up... Vevie! 

And I have to laugh, because I seem to be like that, too. I think "Oh, I've got this, I'm all focused", and then something comes along that totally grabs my attention, and just like that, I'm off center! I'd love to say I was better at this, but I'm not... I'm still learning. 

So here it is...

LESSONS FROM A PUPPY #7

Even though life will 

always offer distractions... 

learn to FOCUS! 

From Dr Phil's book: "Challenge your faulty thinking..."

My verse for today: "Who is this King of glory? The Lord strong and mighty, the Lord mighty in battle."

My quote for today: "To see things in the seed, that is genius."  --Lao Tzu

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 714