Jan 12rd.... Not Dead Yet - Every Day is a Gift.

If you ever want to be humbled a bit, just go back and re-read something you wrote years ago. When things were a little easier. When you were still losing weight, albeit slowly.

Photo credit HERE

I did that today. Ugh. What I read was true, and I still agree with it. But... it felt shallow. Like written by a sincere newbie. Oh...... oops. That's what I was. :-}

So, I'll cut myself some slack, and just learn from true parts. It's HERE in case anyone has some time on their hands.

It's called "What's Wrong with Hard?". Good article. Except if you ask me today, after almost 2 years of one serious medical thing after another, and being totally exhausted over it all, I'd say:

Enough already!! I'm ready for a break!! I've had enough of Hard. Give me some Easy for a change!!

I read this line and found myself irritated: "I think that when something is hard, we have to perceive that WE ARE STRONG ENOUGH TO MEET THE CHALLENGE."

And I've felt so worn down, I realized when I read that sentence, that I was NOT thinking of myself that way.  I was NOT being thankful and appreciative. I was NOT leaning on the Lord for strength and patience and endurance.

I was just NOT... you name it, I was not.

I have another birthday looming on the horizon. For my birthday, I am going to do an internal inventory. And change those attitudes that need changing.

Every Day is a Gift. 

Photo credit HERE

With gratitude I still have another chance at this journey,

Retta

PS: around here in Southern Oregon are several farms that raise alpacas. So we are trying to find one with winter hours where we can see these adorable critters in person.

Mar 22nd...One In A Million, Again!

Sometimes I think I need to go back and re-read my own posts! Like... a sentence from this post: 

In our own lives, this means "choosing to live your life intentionally and acting with purpose rather than mindlessly falling victim to whatever comes your way."

I just realized this morning that I have been doing exactly what that line says  NOT to do. Sheesh. It feels as though every time I get some traction going in this weight loss/health thing, along comes something to kick me to the curb.

How does that sound to my own ears?? Whine whine whine, excuse excuse excuse, victim victim victim.

Yet, sometimes we don't hear ourselves! A little while ago I was on the phone talking to my sweet, empathic Sister. She said something that really stopped me, and helped me very much. She said it sounded like I was allowing excuses to stop me from making progress. Ouch! But she was right. I just hadn't been listening to what I was saying. I really appreciated that truthful reminder said in love.

So, I'm going back to basics... again. And what was the first line that I read???!! This sentence from Dr Marty Lerners free booklet:

"I would encourage anyone with an eating disorder, 

or any addiction for that matter, to measure progress 

in terms of how one is doing rather than how one 

may be feeling at a given time."

Wow, how could I have forgotten that?!

Doing? Lousy. Inconsistent. Poor choices.

Feeling? Frustrated. Discouraged. Angry.

Why? I looked at circumstances, and fell victim "to whatever comes your way", as it said above.

My title for this blog post came from something a doctor told me years ago right before a medical procedure. "Oh, it's safe. It's one in a million that anything ever goes wrong."

Uh huh. That day I was that one in a million.

Back to present day. Went in for what was to be my LAST dental surgery. I was so excited to be at the end of a long process. And so what happened??

Again, I was that one in a million. Aaarrrgghhh!

They sliced open the upper gum and peeled it back to work on my brand new shiny implants, to get ready for my permanent dentures. Part of the work involved placing a tiny "torque test" tool inside the implant, to test how strongly it was bonded to the bone. I've had this little test done many times before. No biggee.

Except, this time it was a biggee. The tiny tool broke off INSIDE my implant!!!! It felt like they were pick-axing to China as they desperately tried to get it out. No go... wouldn't budge.

So they sewed me back up with the broken part still inside me!! That was last week. No teeth, no dentures, no chewing. Waiting for the manufacturer to send a special "retrieval" tool, and then I get to go back and repeat the whole surgery all over again.

I'm not mad at the dental surgeon at all. He's very skilled, and has been great these last couple of years. And he's refusing to even charge me for this go around (and he told me that BEFORE the fiasco). 

It's just these thoughts of... "Come on, now what??!!!" And "I can't believe this happened to me!"

And so I pouted and ate and complained and allowed stinkin' thinkin' to make me discouraged. Funny thing is... I had forgotten that when I can't chew anything, and it's all mushy or liquid, I don't seem to ever feel satisfied. Never full. Never satiated. Always want MORE. So I ate more. Now I weigh more. Sigh....

My action plan?? Back to basics. No huge changes, other than my thinking. Just DOING what I should be doing.

SERF

S = spirituality

E = exercise

R = rest

F = food plan

Plain. Simple. Doable. I dunno... there is something comforting in a simple plan. So that's what I'm DOING now. 

And the cancer surgery?? Still waiting. It's actually taken, literally, months to get appointments with the various specialists I've been told to see. Ooh la la, they are so elite and elusive. 

In the meantime... I'm off to go SERFing. :-}

Still on the Journey,

Retta

Jan 11th... Learning to Love this Process

Today I read a fascinating article by writer James Clear. He told the story of a German philosophy professor who had moved to Japan in the 1920's to learn Kyudo, which is the Japanese martial art of archery. 

The German man, Eugen Herrigel, also eventually learned Zanshin: a state of relaxed alertness. 

"Zanshin is being constantly aware of your body, mind, and surroundings without stressing yourself. It is an effortless vigilance."

In our own lives, this means "choosing to live your life intentionally and acting with purpose rather than mindlessly falling victim to whatever comes your way."

I LOVED that I read this article this morning! I had just finished trying to hammer out a new, simplified daily schedule. I need more hours in the day! I have goals and dreams, yet need to fulfill the daily practical chores and commitments. And for health's sake, that must include time for Spirituality, Exercise, Rest and a healthy Food Plan.

Later in this article (which I hope you'll read in full HERE) James Clear writes: 

"The point is not to worry about hitting the target. The point is to fall in love with the boredom of doing the work  and embrace each piece of the process. The point is to take that moment of zanshin, that moment of complete awareness and focus, and carry it with you everywhere in life."

For me, I would re-word one part this way: To fall in love with the process. His sentence about that struck me hard. I absolutely LOVE the process of imagining, planning, researching and creating a new painting. Love it!

Yet, have I applied that to the PROCESS of getting healthy?? Uh, I don't think so. I'm pretty sure I usually have the final goal in mind! As in... lose this weight, get all health-i-fied, and get on with the rest of my life!

In fact I was just complaining this very morning to MyGuy that I needed to simplify. It's just getting too darn complicated! 

In addition to tracking calories, I was trying to keep up with grams of protein, carbs and fat; exercise; supplements; prescriptions; doctors appointments; support group meetings; and now per the doctors, the micrograms of Vitamin K in every bite, and to eat those same micrograms each day. Yeesh!! Tooooo much!

Ummmm.... I need to change my attitude.

I plan to re-read this article, and see how I can do that. How I can apply "effortless vigilance" - Zanshin -  to this process of gaining Health.

My book quote for today: "People don't fall off track because they do the wrong exercises at the gym. They fall off track because they stop going, just for a day or two, and then never go back. I've worked on this with thousands of patients, and it's the habit and routine of exercise that leads to success." --Younger Next Year for Women, by Crowley & Lodge

My verse for today: "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!" from Isaiah 43

Enjoy the journey... which I finally realize means to fall in love with the process!!!!

Retta

=^..^=

Nov 10th Surgery All Over.... NOT!!!

Hi guys. I’m alive and kicking. But struggling to have a good attitude. It has been a grueling 3 days, and an emotional roller coaster. Honestly, I just want to cry.

My surgery was canceled. I am home now. I was ON THE OPERATING TABLE, they were getting to put me under. I was all set to either wake up to see the face of Jesus, or wake up to see my Sweetie’s face. Either way would have been a good thing.

Then, I went into AFib. That is a heart on overdrive, like a runaway train. It hit 170 before they got meds into me; brought down to the 130’s, then 120’s, but wouldn’t go lower.

They did an ekg, tried sedatives, etc etc. Wouldn’t budge for hours. Obviously, the operation was canceled. I was sent home to take meds and “get better”. Come back when it’s “safer”.

Well gee… it’s not like this is elective cosmetic surgery!! It's for cancer. Which is progressive!!

I’ve been all over the map emotionally; mostly down. I thought this “diet” was over. I thought the surgery would be over. I thought the pressure to perform, weight wise, was over. 

I was so confused, frustrated, angry and depressed. The anger, which I had to face that I had, was because of all the mistakes that were made. Like… my records from THREE different docs down here were never faxed up north, and it took hours to find them. The cardiologist who saw me after the event never bothered to look at my medical records, and prescribed a med for me that would have been harmful to me. Duh! I had to catch it myself, and call my regular provider once I was home to get it changed.

I won’t bore you with the rest of the screw ups. Suffice to say, this "good little girl" actually does NOT feel bad for having anger over the mess ups. That is one positive. 

But the bottomline… I feel exhausted. Emotionally, physically, even spiritually. I need me some serious Recovery time. As in extended vacation time. From life. From stress. From disappointments. 

I called my Pastor this evening, and since he himself went thru cancer surgery last year, he understood the situation. Basically, he said I may never know WHY my surgery was “interupped” at the last minute. But I am to focus on the positives. And that is this: if the AFib had hit DURING surgery, the doctors had said I would either be dead, or had a stroke or heart attack. 

Period. 

This is real life. This is how it is. At one point, I even felt like saying "Oh screw it", and just eat and eat and eat and eat....

As I looked at the vending machine full of candy at the hospital (!!) I said to my hubby "Oh, I'd give anything for some M&M's!!

And he asked: "Even your life?"

Riiiggghhhtttt. I quickly moved myself far away from said vending machine.

So... the journey to wellness continues. Life goes on. And I want to regain an attitude of gratitude. Not there yet... but it's getting closer.

Life is precious. Life is short. Love one another.

Retta

NOV 6th The Wall & The Pig

Smack!! 

What was that?? Oh... the Wall I ran into. sigh...

I realize that it's not acceptable behavior in "motivational" circles to admit struggle. But unless I face a thing and am honest with myself, how can I deal with it? It feels like I hit a wall recently... got so far, and then splat! Can't seem to regain my footing and continue.

I say "seem" because I know that's not true. It just feels that way. And while my feelings have been bouncing all over the place lately, a part of me is still determined not to be ruled by them. Not to let them dictate my future. They are good for finding clues, but not for making decisions. I suppose it's these kind of times when I see if I truly believe the stuff I spout on this blog, eh??

For several years now I've related to the image of the Flying Pig. I once posted this picture: 

The idea of a flying pig is such an over-the-top figure of speech as to imply the impossible. But to me, it speaks of POSSIBILITIES.  Of overcoming the impossible. Of a hope so powerful that is acts like fuel for my determination. I LOVE the idea of the little pig defying all odds, and FLYING! He's sort of been my little mascot, sitting above my computer.

I see him every time I come to the computer. And I remember that all things are possible with God. So I refuse to let the discouraging thoughts put down roots into my mind.  I just can't dwell on them, and let them grow; it's too dangerous. 

All I can do is to DO what I know to do, and trust that eventually I will be back on track and see progress. I WILL fly. I refuse to let go of hope, to let go of my dreams and give up.

Sometimes we get so close to that edge. You know that edge... the drop off of despair... the cliff of total discouragement... the gulf of giving up. I don't know about you, but it's scary to me. While it's tempting to just give in and take the easy way out, full of excuses and self-pity, it's also terrifying how easy it is to slide back and go the wrong way!

So no... I refuse to go there. I don't care what anybody says... even my own mind. I WILL fly. I get to choose, and that's my choice. I wish I could say, like some do, that "it is easy". Well, right now it AIN'T easy for me. 

I admit that sometimes I whine "it's not fair". But remember what they say? The fair only comes once a year, and usually out in the country. (Ha ha on me; I just read that this morning, and said "ouch!")

Some days we just have to choose to keep going in spite of "life". And eventually, it gets better. I really believe that. No, I don't "feel" that right now... but I do believe it.

My book quote for today: "Unfortunately, most people struggle to change or renew their circumstances (lose weight, fix their marriage, make more money), when they should be asking God to help them renew their minds." --Tommy Newberry, The 4:8 Principle

My verse for today: "Seek the Lord and his strength; seek his presence continually!"

My quote for today: "There is no use trying," said Alice; one can't believe impossible things."  "I dare say you haven't had much practice," said the Queen. "When I was your age, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast." --Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

Gazelle photo courtesy of Stig Nygaard

Wings & Poster courtesy of Moi

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 1171

JUNE 6th Aftermath

This morning, I briefly thought about writing a post. That's what you DO on a blog, right? But I didn't. All I could think of was: I got nuthin to say.

Well... now I do.

Jim is doing his civic duty today, for Jury Duty. I'm baby sitting The Pup. She has Barkarrhea today. That's like diarrhea... only with noise instead of... well, you know.

My thumb is infected. Hurts. Has hurt for the last 8 months actually. Some days I get frustrated and start whining and feeling sorry for myself. Some days it feels like my "pain cup" is already full, and the least little thing will make it overflow. The old "I can't take any more" crapola thinking.

So, for the umpteenth time, I bumped said thumb. That was IT. That was all it took... I let out a scream, more in frustration than the pain. Then I felt bad because Joey came running, all worried that something was wrong. She wanted to lick me, to make it better. Sigh... then of course, I felt silly, and my pride wondered if the neighbors heard my meltdown. Double sigh...

THEN... I thought of all the stuff others are going through. Not in the  big world; you could overwhelm yourself if you went there. No, just my own little world... the people I know, my family and friends. And then I really DID feel silly. 

It's not life threatening, or crippling, or even life altering. It just hurts a lot. And sooner or later, it will get better. And I started thinking of all I really DO have to feel thankful about... and it's a lot. 

Yesterday I watched a PBS special: Yanni Live in El Morrow. I've always loved to paint to Yanni music. It's instrumental mostly, and relaxing and uplifting to me. During the special, he said that he doesn't write his music when he is in the middle of hard times. He waits... and writes it after he's gone through the healing/learning process. Ahhh... I could relate. I realized that's the way I like to write my blog, and that's even the way I paint.

So here I am, done with the screaming, and shifting my focus to gratitude.

Thank you, Joey, for interrupting my pity party.

My book quote for today: "I've observed that all lasting change is preceded by changed thinking. Any other type of change will be only temporary. The place to begin, then, is with your thought life, with a revival of your mind." --Tommy Newberry, The 4:8 Principle

My verse for today: "When I said, 'My foot is slipping', your unfailing love, Lord, supported me."

My quote for today: "If you wait for circumstances to be perfect before moving forward, you'll do much more waiting than achieving. If, instead, you make the most of what you have here and now, life will be full indeed. You are here, in this place at this time. There's something unique and wonderful that you can do with it all." --Ralph Marston

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 1018

APRIL 2nd I'm Still Alive!

Hi Journal & Friends,

Sunday night I had a dream.

I died.

It wasn't scary or morbid or anything like that. But man, it was so real! It came unexpected, and swift. There was a LOT to the dream, and I remember exactly what I said when I realized I was "there" and not "here" any longer: "But I'm not finished".

Like I said, there was a whole lot more. But the take away messages for ME was this:

None of us know when our time is done here. So live to our fullest NOW.

There is Love there. But also make sure you live in Love here, and NOW.

I feel in my heart I am not finished here yet, so I want to not waste any time NOW.

Master the Now!

Just yesterday (Sunday) I watched a video on Coach Dayne's blog, Coach Your Mind.  The line I wrote down from the video to remember was: Master the now!  I can see how that also worked itself into my dream.

I was going to write a whiny post about how I gained 3 lbs last month, and how I'm going to work harder, yadda yadda yadda. Well, it kinda pales in significance to dying!! Yes, I AM getting my rear in gear. And getting on with this. But not "to lose weight". That will be a great side benefit.

I want to get on with the program and lose the weight so I CAN live now, so I can finish my business here. So I can give that love NOW, in my own way.

Wow, what a dream!! 

I woke up early, feeling excited and bursting with energy and renewed motivation! Now... to add the ACTION to that motivation.

My book quote for today: "You can always do more than you think, you can always go a lot farther than you think." --Richard Machowicz, Unleash The Warrior Within

My verse for today: "But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more."

My quote for today: "Success isn't a destination, it's a belief. Belief isn't taught, it's decided. When will you decide?" --Dayne Gingrich

Enjoy the Journey as long as it lasts,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 959

JAN 30th Weight Loss & The Dentist

Hello Journal & Friends,

 

A weight loss journey is like going to the dentist...

...because sometimes it hurts. You don't wanna do it, but you NEED to do it.

...because sometimes it takes longer than you thought it should. But you hang in there, knowing it will soon be over.

...because it doesn't come cheap. But it's a price you pay, cuz the alternative is worse.

...because when the numbness goes, the pain comes. You remind yourself it's temporary, and you deal with it.

...because sometimes it's necessary to dig deep... to drill into your very core, your bone, in order to have a better outcome later. 

...because sometimes you could kick yourself, knowing if you have taken care of issues sooner, you would be in better shape now.

...because no one can do it for you, or take your place. You have to face it, choose to deal with it, and go through the process. 

...because you can't blame the dentist - or anyone else - for your problems. 

...because after the numbness wears off and all you want to do is escape the pain, you can't. You take the pills, but sometimes nothing works. You learn to deal with it... it's a part of life everyone faces at times. 

...because you catch yourself pouting "it's not fair"... why did I get stuck with these genetics? Why didn't someone teach me better, earlier? Boo hoo... life isn't fair. Get over it.

...because you know if you relax and roll with it, eventually you will be glad you did it. Right now, anyone within reach would get shredded... but eventually... some day... in time... you will smile and be happy it's over and done with. But for now... leave. me. alone. 

Yep... you guessed right. I went to The Dentist today. Drilled into the bone on both lower jaws; inserted implants; sewed me back up to go home and heal for 3 months so I can come back to finish. "Might be a little sore..." Uh huh, ya think!?

Stick a sock in it!!

From Dr Phil's book: "Start behaving in ways that make you feel really good about yourself."

My verse for today: "Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer."

My quote for today: "If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them." --Phil Pastoret

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 896

NOV 10th Yawn yawn, Grump grump, Choose choose...

Hi Journal & Friends,

It's about 2:00 pm here in Oregon, and I sit here still in my jammies. I'm on my second cup o' joe (unusual for me), and I still feel like this:

Well, quit yer b*tchin, and just go back to bed, you say. 

Good idea, I say. 

But... here is why I can't:

Joey and my noisy hubby are also the reasons I didn't get enough sleep... grump grump. ;-)

For the last week or so, it's been hard to put a post together. I have one I started... even took photos for it. But I ran out of steam. It just doesn't seem very important. Maybe tomorrow.

I suppose I'm still thinking about my friends death, and time and priorities. And I have to face the truth that I waste so much of this precious thing we have been given called Time.

I learned from Jack Sh*t that we don't always have to go around moaning and groaning and being so super serious. We can enjoy this journey, even as we learn. But... right now that seems hard to do. Maybe I just need a good nights sleep??  :-}

Tomorrow will be better, I'm sure. Come to think of it... today can better, too. I just remembered... Life is Now. 

Yesterday I was reading a library book called The Alchemist, and liked this sentence:  

"Life is the moment we are living right now." 

Funny how I seem to forget that I have a choice. :-}

From Dr Phil's book: "There is rarely a time in your life when all is at peace and balance. That's neither good nor bad; it is simply the ebb and flow of how life works."

My verse for today: "But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble." 

My quote for today: "Happiness isn't something that depends on our surroundings. It's something we make inside ourselves."  --Corrie Ten Boom, survivor of Ravensbrook Concentration Camp during WWII, author of The Hiding Place

Enjoy the Journey (trying),

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 816